Don't Go

He was leaning over the mirror. The next ten minutes were a blur. The door had opened but he made to sign to show he had noticed it.

“Gerard?” The bed sank as another body sat down. Bert put his hand on Gerard’s shoulder. “Gee?”

Gerard turned his head, his eyes bloodshot, pupils dilated, his irises refusing to stay still. He said nothing, just reached up and clutched Bert’s hand with his own.

“What did you take?” Bert asked, squeezing Gerard’s shoulder. He received a gasp, not from pain but from surprise. “Gerard, I’m not mad. I won’t get mad, I promise.”

Gerard took a shallow breath as tears shone in his abnormal eyes. “Coke. Oxycodone. Valium.”

“How much, babe?”

“Uh . . .” Gerard closed his eyes as he tried to remember. “T-Two lines, fifty of the Oxy and then sixty.”

Bert sighed and pulled Gerard into his arms. The raven-haired man burst into tears. He was supposed to be clean. This wasn’t supposed to happen anymore, Bert talking him down and promising not to tell.

“I’m sorry.” Gerard whispered through his tears. “I-It . . . I . . .”

“Shhh.” Bert said, kissing his best friend’s forehead. “You can tell me later. We just need to calm you down now.”

“Sorry.” Gerard said again.

“It’s not your fault.” the other man said soothingly. “You’re sick, Gerard. You need to see a doctor again.”

“No.” Gerard shook his head against Bert’s chest. “No doctors.” Then he bolted to the bathroom and started vomiting into the toilet bowl.

Bert’s cool hands pulled his hair back. “It’s going to be okay, babe.” he whispered. Gerard reached up and pulled the toilet hand, collapsing with his back against the bathtub. Bert stood up and turned on the sink, grabbing a washcloth.

“Don’t leave.” Gerard whispered.

“I won’t. Don’t worry.” Bert filled a glass of water and knelt in front of Gerard, first wiping at his face and then holding the glass of water to his friend’s chapped lips.

Gerard put his shaky hand over Bert’s a took a few sips of the cold liquid before pushing the glass away. Bert put his hand on Gerard’s flushed cheek. “I want you to get in bed, babe. Can you do that for me?”

Gerard put his hands on the cold tiles and tried to push himself up. Bert caught him before he slipped. “It’s okay, Gee. Calm down. I’ll help you.” Bert stood up and pulled on Gerard’s hands. “Come on, hon.” He lead Gerard to the bed and help him sit down. “Can you lay down for me, Gee?”

Gerard gripped Bert’s wrists as he leaned back on the mattress, his dark hair contrasting with the white pillow. “D-Don’t tell?”

“I won’t, baby. I won’t.” Bert sat down on the edge of the bed and took Gerard’s hands in his. “You’ll be okay. We’ve handled worse than this, haven’t we, angel?” Bert leaned down and kissed Gerard’s temple.

“L-Lay down with me?” Gerard asked.

Bert complied, wrapping his arms around his best friend. “you okay, darlin’?”

“I’m scared.” Gerard whispered, bring his hands up to clutch Bert’s oversized shirt.

“Shhh.” Gerard started sobbing. The blue-eyed man brought a hand to Gerard’s cheek, wiping at the tears. “It’s okay. I’m here. There’s nothing to be scared of.”

“I’m sorry.” Gerard whimpered.

“How long’s it been going on?” Bert asked, gently stroking Gerard’s hair.

“Since Mikey’s birthday.” Gerard whispered. “Mark had acid.”

Bert nodded and kissed Gerard softly on the lips. “We’ll fix this later, babe.”

Gerard closed his eyes, but Bert shook him gently. “No sleeping. Stay with me, all right?”

“I’m tired.” Gerard said in half a whine, half a whisper. “Please?”

“No.” Bert kissed Gerard again, this time on the cheek. “Stay awake.”

Gerard pushed away from Bert, who swore under his breath. Gerard’s struggle was always the hardest part of talking him down. “Stop it. Leave me alone.” Bert caught the other man’s pale wrist and Gerard kicked and thrashed, trying to get away.

This hadn’t happened in months. “Gerard, don’t make me do this.” Bert said softly.

“Leave me alone!” Gerard shrieked again.

Slowly Bert straddle Gerard’s waist, pinning the strung out man’s wrists to the mattress before depositing the weight from his legs over Gerard’s. “Come on, baby. Calm down.”

“No! Stop it!”

Bert had a fleeting thought of what would happen if Mikey came back from the party early to find his supposedly clean brother strung out and pinned to the bed.

But the thought faded when Gerard resumed his sobbing and letting out fragments of choked screams. “Let go. Please? I won’t do it again.”

Bert’s bottom lip trembled for a second. “Gerard, babe, that’s what you said five months ago.”

“I promise. I swear.”

“Gerard, stop kicking.” Bert said, trying to keep his voice even.

“Let go.”

“No.”

Gerard slowly stopped thrashing and stared up at his best friend who he barely recognized through his drug-induced haze. “I think I’m gonna die.”

“You aren’t going to die.” Bert said, falling on the mattress and pulling a nearly catatonic Gerard into his arms.

“Don’t go.”

A hand started stroking Gerard’ hair. “I won’t.”

Gerard's eyes kept falling shut and Bert kept gently shaking him. So long without a high and mixing three different drugs wasn't having the typical effect Xanax and vodka usually did.

"Don't let me die." Gerard whispered, nuzzling against Bert's neck, his clammy hands shaking against Bert's chest and arm. "Please don't let me die."

"You're not going to, Gerard." Bert promised, kissing Gerard's forehead before resting his chip atop his older friend's head.

"My head's going to explode." the other whispered. "My eyes are going to fall out. I'm going blind! There's blood, blood! So much blood!"

Bert put his hands on either side of Gerard's face. "Look at me."

"I can't see."

"Open your eyes, Gerard."

"They are open."

"God dammit, Gerard!" Two hazel eyes flew open and Bert managed a thin smile. "You're not blind, babe." he said softly. "There's no blood, see?"

Gerard's shaky, bloodshot eyes couldn't comprehend the latter part, but he registered his best friend's voice. "Y-You . . . Bert . . . I'm scared."

"I know, Gee, I know." Bert's thumbs lightly stroked Gerard's warm cheeks. "But I'm here, hon, and I'm not going anywhere."

Gerard smiled and his head relaxed against the pillow again. For a moment, at least. His eyes widened impossibly and Bert sat straight up as there was a quick knock on the door.

"Gee?"

"Jesus Christ." Bert muttered, looking at the man next to him. "Mikey, do not come in here."

"Bert? What the fuck's going on?"

"Mikey, just don't come in here, okay?" Bert snapped, shushing Gerard with a soft finger to the lips.

"Look, you're freaking me out, man. Is Gerard even in there?" Bert heard the electronic lock working.

"Get the fuck out!" Bert all but screamed. He tried to stand up, but Gerard picked that moment to start sobbing again and Bert's attention instantly refocused. "Gerard?" He laced his fingers with his friend's pale ones. "Gerard, babe, it's okay. Don't worry."

"He's high." Mikey said in monotone.

Bert didn't respond, just continued to whisper reassurances to his best friend. "It's going to be okay. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. Calm down, Gee, okay? Deep breaths, all right? No, Gerard, keep your eyes open. Look at me, baby. Look at me."

Slowly, Gerard's sobbing quieted and he just lay there, hiccupping and playing with Bert's fingers.

"What did he take?" Mikey asked.

"What part of 'get the fuck out' and 'don't come in' do you not understand?" Bert asked, head turned and voice so quiet it could kill.

"How long have you been doing this?" Mikey demanded. "He's supposed to be clean. You should have said--"

"I didn't know, okay?" Bert's voice cracked and he looked at Gerard, his hand coming up to stroke his sweat soaked hair. "I didn't know." he whispered. Mikey started for the door. "Sit down." Bert growled, his head turned once more.

"I'm going to--"

"You aren't telling anyone and you're aren't calling anyone. He needs to come down. We'll worry about the rest later." Bert said.

"What he needs is--"

"Mikey, if you give a shit about your brother, you'll sit the fuck down now." Gerard's hand reached up and Bert took it. "He needs to come off this without any extra shit, all right?"

Slowly, Mikey released the door handle and turned, sitting on the couch. His eyes were fixed on Bert and his brother.

"I'm scared." Gerard whispered again. "It's so hot in here. My face is melting off."

"No." Bert said gently. "It's not. I'm looking at you and you're fine. I'm not letting anything happen to you, okay?" Gerard nodded and ws softly shaken again when his eyes started to close.

"Why not let him sleep?" Mikey asked softly.

"He can't sleep for five or six hours after a high like this. The hallucinations he wakes up to are a hell of a lot worse than his face melting off." Bert answered, laying back down and letting Gerard's head rest on his chest.

"You know a lot about it." Mikey commented, almost apologetically.

"Yeah, I do." Bert agreed. He looked at Gerard and held up a hand with only two fingers displayed. "Gee, babe, can you see my hand?"

Gerard nodded.

"How many fingers, baby?"

"Th-Three?" Bert kissed the top of Gerard's head and let the man grip his hand again. "Was I wrong?"

"No, hon, you were right." Bert looked up and saw Mikey, who was staring determinedly at his hands, jaw clenched. "You okay?"

"Fine." Mikey forced out.

"You never saw him come down before?"

"Not like that." Mikey whispered, a tear falling down his cheek. "How do you do it?"

"He's my best friend." Bert said softly, bringing his other hand up to stroke Gerard's hair. "I just do."