Brian Haner Jr

Nicole stirred and rolled over. She opened her eyes and saw that it was a little after two in the morning. She blinked as she looked at the unfamiliar room. This wasn't her apartment and it wasn't the hospital. Where...

Then her memory returned. She was at Brian's house, in one of the spare bedrooms. Unlike Skylar's room, this one hadn't been remodeled. Old-fashioned wallpaper still covered the walls, contrasting with the heavy drapes on the window.

Nicole stretched and tried to figure out what had awakened her. Was it Sky? She looked at the clock again. She'd expected to be up before now to help Brian, or even take over one of the feedings. Oh well, now that she was awake, she might as well check on the baby.

Nicole threw back the covers and stood up. She'd deliberately worn sweats and a T-shirt to bed so all she had to do was fumble for her slippers and slide them on. She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and made her way into the hall.

The was all shadows. Sky's door stood open and she could see the faint light from a Disney nightlight illuminating a patch of hardwood flooring. As she stepped into the room, a slight movement caught her attention. She looked up and saw Brian standing by the window.

Nicole froze in place, staring. Brian wore jeans and nothing else. He held his tiny daughter in his arms, cradling her against his bare chest and half rocking her gently. Moonlight filtered through the half-open blinds, highlighting, then shading, the shape of his shoulders, the muscles in his arms, the tattoos on his soft skin.

Deep in her stomach, something stirred to life. Some small producer of female hormones, some long dormant cells secreted a long since forgotten bit of magic that made a woman want a man. She felt the first flickering of desire, but it was more than that. Her attraction wasn't just to the perfectly muscled body but also to the tenderness inherent in those incredibly strong hands. A woman could trust a man who held a baby with such tenderness.

She knew she hadn't made a sound, but Brian turned toward her. "Did I wake you?" he asked softly. "I tried to be quiet."

"It wasn't the noise that got my attention," she admitted, "but the absence of it. I came to check on Skylar."

"Great minds," he said. "That's what I was doing. She was awake and looked hungry, so I got her a bottle, then changed her diaper. She ate great and already back to sleep." He smiled. "I couldn't figure out why she was sleeping so much, but then I got a look at her diaper. It must take alot of energy to produce all that waste product."

Nicole laughed. "Waste product, huh? Interesting way to describe it."

In semi-darkness she couldn't see the color of his eyes, but she knew it. Chocolate brown. He was the kind of man women dreamed about meeting-handsome, charming, successful. So why was he awake at two in the morning holding a child?

"Who are you Brian Haner?" She asked before she could stop herself.

"You mean why me, why her?" he asked, nodding at Skylar. "I guess I'm just one man who wants to do the right thing. I'm terrified, but trying."

"That's all anyone can ask of you."

"Oh, I think Sky is going to have more expectations than that, but I have some time before I have to worry about them."

She'd been wrong about him. She realized that now. All those months she'd been Lily's doctor, listening to her patient grumble about the guy who'd knocked her up and had then insisted she have the baby, but who didn't want responsibility for it. Nicole had been furious with both of them for being careless during sex, but she'd been more angry with Brian. It was easy for men, because they didn't get pregnant. They ust walked away from the problem. Except Brian hadn't.

She leaned against the door frame and crossed her arms over her chese. "I was wrong about you," she said, her voice low. "I've been angry at you for most of Lily's pregnancy. I thought you were an irresponsible bastard who'd gotten caught and wanted out. But I was wrong about all of it. I'm sorry, Brian."

He was quiet for a long time, just staring at her in the darkness and rocking Sky. "Thank you for apologizing," he said at last. "That means a lot to me. But you were also right about me. Not about me being irresponsible. We used a condom, and as an obstetrician, I'm sure you're very aware that they sometimes fail. But about the rest of it. When Lily told me she was pregnant, I didn't know what to think."

He turned back to the window. Nicole didn't feel that he was shutting her out as much as protecting himself. As if he was embarrassed or ashamed of what he was saying. She wanted to go to him and touch him, tell him that she understood. But they didn't know eachother that well. Instead, she stood her ground and waited.

"The entire relationship was a mistake. In fact calling it a relationship gives it more credit than it deserves. It was the Fourth of July weekend. We met at a party. I hadn't had a woman in my life for a long time. It was hot, we were both in the mood, and suddenly we were doing it. I knew it was dumb even then, but what the hell, right?" He glanced down at his daughter. "Sorry, sweetie, I know I'm not supposed to swear."

"You don't have to tell me this," Nicole said, more because she thought she should than because she didn't want to know.

"Probably not, but I think it's important information." He walked over to the crib and set Skylar down on her back. "We said good-bye and I never expected to see her again. About two months later she called to tell me she was pregnant. Apparently she'd been debating whether or not to inform me for a couple of weeks. I think her plan had been to go get an abortion and get on with her life."

Nicole thought about Lily and realized Brian had summed up the other woman fairly accurately. Lily had not been thrilled to be pregnant.

"I didn't want her to do that," he said. "I didn't want the kid, either, but I wanted her to carry it to term." He leaned over and stroked his daughter's cheek. "Thank God. Lily fought me, but eventually I convinced her. I promised to cover all the out-of-pocket medical expenses her policy didn't. We both agreed to give the baby up for adoption."

He glanced at Nicole. In the dimly lit room, it was impossible to see what he was thinking. "I swear that's what I planned to do. Right up until the day she was born. Then something happened. I guess she went from being an abstraction to something real. And I couldn't walk away from that...or her."

Nicole dropped her arms to her sides. "I feel responsible for a part of that," she said. "If I hadn't let you hold her, you wouldn't have bonded."

His teeth flashed white. "I don't blame you, it's not your fault. If I hadn't wanted Sky, all the holding in the world wouldn't have changed my mind."

Nicole wasn't so sure. "Something happens when a parent holds his or her newborn for the first time."

"Do you think holding her would have changed Lily's mind?"

His quiet question made her pause. She'd checked her paitent before Lily had been released. The younger woman had expressed only relief at having her pregnancy behind her. She hadn't mentioned anything about the baby or what was happening to her.

"No, I don't," she admitted.

"So that proves my point." He straightened. "Tell you what, Doc, you can be guilty about any number of things in your life, but you're going to have to let this one go. You're not responsible for Sky." He motioned to the room. "But I do owe you. You've been a great help and I want to return the favor."

"I'll have to let you know," Nicole said.

"You do that," he said. "Because I'm not going to forget what I owe you."

Somewhere in the house a clock chimed.

"It's late," Brian told her. "We'd better get to bed and get some sleep while we can. I have a feeling this little girl is going to be up a couple more times before sunrise."

She turned to leave. At least that was her intent, but somehow her gaze got locked with his. She told herself to look away, to start walking back to her room, but she couldn't more. Her legs were too heavy and those suddenly awake hormones were busy swaying through her body, leaving her weak and wanting.

As she watched, his attention seemed to drivt downward...toward her mouth. She told herself it was her imagination. That he wasn't thinking about kissing her anymore than she was thinking about being in his arms. That she didn't wonder about how strong he would feel, or the warmth of his bare skin under her fingers. And that she'd never even once fantasized about the firmness of his lips or how his tounge would taste.

Then, because her thoughts both frightened and excited her, she turned on her heel and escaped.