Brian Haner Jr

"So how's my favorite girl in the world?"

Nicole leaned back in her chair and smiled. "I'm great, Dad. How are you?"

"Not bad for an old man."

Nicole shifted the phone so it nestled between her shoulder and her ear, then slipped off her pumps. She'd spent most of the day on her feet. For once she hadn't been interrupted by one of her patients giving birth, so she'd actually gotten through her regular appointments. Now it was nearly six and the office was quiet.

"You're not old. You're just getting started."

"I like to think so," Paul Milencovich answered. "But some mornings it's tough to pull on my sweats and go jogging. The boys are starting to beat me."

"I don't believe that."

Her father was as fit today as he had been when she'd been a little girl. He ran every morning with the high school athletes. Some of them were members of his church, but most weren't. Paul had been a fixture on the morning exercise scene through hundreds of students' lives. He was always available to listen, or even give advice if asked. More than one crisis had been averted because the kids involved had gone to Paul. somehow a man out jogging and sweating wasn't nearly as scary as approaching a minister of a church.

"Tell me what's going on in your life," her father said. "I know you're keeping busy."

"Of course. It comes with the job." She told him a little about work, then brought him up to date on the situation with Brian and Sky.

Paul chuckled. "A newborn in the house and a girl at that. I can relate to his shock. You weren't at all what I expected. You were pretty enough, but those diapers. I always wondered how something so small and sweet could produce something so nasty."

"Oh, Dad. You need to let the diaper thing go."

"I can't. I'm scarred for life."

She grinned. "I think Brian is going to be as well. He's still getting used to the challenges and the responsibility. Sky is a sweet baby, but it's changed everything for him. Hes involved with a huge music project and now hes got a daughter."

"He's going to find that she's the greatest joy of his life," he said. "Just like you're mine."

"Thanks." As always, his loving support made her feel safe inside. Even if her father had stopped being proud of her when she'd gotten pregnant, she never doubted that he loved her.

"So," Paul said. "Tell me about his Brian Haner. He sounds like a decent guy. Is he cute?"

"Oh, Dad."

"That's twide you've 'oh Da-ad' me in one conversation. What am I doing wrong?"

"Nothing. It's just that you're matchmaking and it's not like that between Brian and myself." She forced herself not to think of the kiss they'd shared over a week ago. Despite the fact that memories of it haunted her nights...not to mention her days.

"So there's no spark between you two? Is park the right word or am I dating myself?"

"No on says spark much anymore," she said, then ried to figure out how to answer the question without actually lying. "As for Brian and me, we're just friends. Neither of us are in a place where we'd be comfortable having a relationship. He has a new baby and his work and I'm always swamped with my practice."

There was a long pause, then her father sighed. Nicole's hand tightened on the receiver. She hated that sigh- she knew it ment she'd disappointed her father in some way.

"Dad?"

"I don't understand why you're still hiding," he said at last. "When you were younger and medical school kept you busy, I thought things would change in time. You've done so well. How can I not be proud of you? But you've been in practice for three years. Other doctors manage to find time to have a life. Why not you? Why are you making excuses?"

"It's not like that," Nicole said, stumbling over the words. Hiding? Is that what her father thought?

"Maybe it's not surprising," Paul went on to say. "After all you grew up without a mother, but more importantly, you grew up without being able to see a loving marriage first hand. I worried about that, and many times I thought itwould be better if I remarried. Except I could never fine someone I loved as much as I had loved your mother."

"Daddy, you did a great job," she told him. "No daughter could have asked for a better father. I never missed having a mother because you were always there for me." It was true. When there were awkward "girl" things to discuss, her father had always sensed her needs and had one of their family friends take her out to lunch so she could talk.

"I hope that's true," he said. "But I wish you could have seen the two of us together. Loving her changed my life. It changed me. I was a better person when I was with her. She was the light of my life- my other half and I still miss her."

"I know you do."

"Do you? You've heard me talk, but you have no memoiries of your mother. I want so much for you, Nicole. I want you to be happy in your workd, but I also want you to be happy in your personal life. You don't have to sacrifice everything all the time. Sometimes it's okay just to be."

"I'm fine," she insisted, trying not to think about her small, sterile apartment or the fact that she hadn't been on a date in several years.

"If you're sure, then I won't interfere. I love you, Nicole. I hope you know that. I just want what's best for you."

"I know, Dad. I love you, too."

"Call me in a few days?"

"I promise. Bye."

She hung up the phone. But it was a long time before she collected her purse and left the ofice. All the way to her car and even as she drove out of the empty parking lot, she thought about what her father had said to her. That she was hiding.

Was he right? Is that what she'd been doing all these years? Thinking about it, she could see that it was a hard habit to break. She'd been determined to maintain her grades when she'd started college. As a pre-med, bio-chemistry major, there hadn't been much time for anything except studying. that first year of school, when everyone else had been making friends and joining clubs, Nicole had buried herself in her books. When she did surface, it was to deal with the guilt of having given up her daughter.

The past returned and with it the moment when she'd told her father that she was pregnant, and then had watched the light go out of his eyes. No matter how hard she'd studied or what she'd acheived later, she'd never been able to make the light come back. When she'd finally realized it never would, it had been the only time in her life when she'd wanted to die.

Nicole drew in a deep breath. Part of the reason she'd worked so hard had been because of her father, but the rest of had been because of her daughter. It was as if she had to keep provig that he decisioin to give up Jenna Rose was the right one. If she turned out to be a good doctor, then he daughter would understand why she'd made the choice she had. Except deep in her heart Nicole still believe she'd taken the easy way out.

Despite what her father had said all those years ago and despite what Brian had told her last weekend, she knew they could have made it. Oh, their lives might not have been full of material things. She would have had a baby and been working while going to school part-time. but they would have survived. Atleast then she wouldn't always wonder how it could have been.

As she wondered now. Except all the wondering in the world didn't change the past. She'd made her choice and there was no going back.

So why was she still hiding?

Her father's question returned to her. She knew there was truth in his words. Was it because she hadn't paid her debt? Was it fear or simply habit? and if she accepted that she was hiding, how much of life had already passed her by? It was too late to change the past, but could she still change her future?