The Stale Taste of Recycled Air

He came back today, he was home, and I'd never been so excited in my life. I wanted to kiss him, hold him, touch him and love him. Just the thought of his skin touching my fingertips made me tense with anticipation of seeing him again. I'd never gotten to Billie's house so quickly in my life. I burst through the gates to see Billie's car and a Mini Cooper. Disappointment rocketed through me, Adi was here.
I felt a hand on my shoulder as I walked up to the front door and I saw Phil smiling at me.
"Hey," he smiled.
"Hi Phil, how are you?" I asked turning to talk to him.
"I'm good kid how are you?"
"Great." I grinned remembering that somewhere behind this door Billie was waiting for me.
"I bet you are."
"I see Adi's here." I nodded toward her car.
"Yeah, dunno why though she didn't bring Joe and Jake..."
I looked at him worriedly and he smiled at me.
"Hey come and look at this thing that Billie got sent..." he grabbed my arm and took me to his little shed thing where he watched the house.
He showed me a small parcel, "Some kid from Minnesota sent it."
I carefully opened it to reveal a piece of folded paper. Cautiously opening it, the corners revealed a drawing of Billie Joe. I gasped at the details around his face, how the little artist had captured his cheeky grin and shiny eyes with their pencil.
"Good eh?" Phil asked folding his arms and sitting down glancing at the TV screens.
"It's amazing." I gasped still clutching the drawing, "This kid has him off to a tee, it looks so real."
Phil chuckled he watched the screens; I secretly took the drawing and put it into my pocket. For some reason I had an urge to keep this beautiful pencil picture.
He coughed suddenly and my head whipped up at the sound. He was looking at the screen that showed the kitchen back door with huge eyes. I moved closer to it watching from behind his shoulder.
"What..?" I stopped when I saw Billie stamp out a cigarette in the garden and an arm, Adi's arm, grabbing his own and pulling him back into the house.
Phil looked at me and I slowly gazed down back at him.
"What the hell is..?" he began to ask but I had taken off, ran from the hut and to the front of the house where I desperately tried to open the door, my hand shaking in confusion and despondency. Finally I got into the residence and dashed through the corridor to the big wooden door to the left.
I opened the kitchen door, shaking in hope and horror as my eyes scanned the room and there they were. Lips firmly connected, bodies encased within each other. My heart plummeted to my feet. I swallowed; my mouth suddenly became so dry. My head began to ache as Billie caught my eyes and broke from the kiss gasping.
"Erin," he said a deep shock spread across his face. I couldn't look at him; I turned on my heels and dashed out of the house. I ran, ran past Phil who was yelling my name, ran through the gates, down the road and around the corner.
The tears slowly formed, it hurt, it felt like my glass heart had been shattered into a thousand pieces, and the salty tears skidded down my cheeks. I shook my head in disbelief.
Suddenly it began to rain, drip drops landing all around my body.
God was a bitch. He had built me up, made me believe that I and Billie had something special and despite the nagging questions in the back of my head despite warnings from Ollie, Tre and even Brittany, I believed it trusted it, and trusted myself to fall in love. God I was such a fucking idiot and now to top it off I'm walking home in the rain.
"Erin!" I turned to see Billie leaning out of his car and following me along the road.
I stopped, "What do you want?" I asked wiping the tears from my eye.
"To talk to you, to explain."
"I don't want to hear it."
"Erin... "
"No!" I snapped, "just go Billie, please!" I started to walk again.
"Erin get in this is silly; it's pissing down with rain."
"I am perfectly capable of walking in the rain thanks," I sniffed turning form his gaze.
"You're being fucking stupid, get in the car now you're gonna get ill."
I stopped, anger building inside me because I knew he was right.
"Erin...come on."
I turned and got into the car without saying a word.

We drove silently along the street before Billie spoke.
"Erin, I'm sorry, she came around to sign the divorce papers and we got talking and..."
I sniffed pulling a hand through my hair.
"And you kissed her, she's your wife Billie Joe, that's what normal married couples do."
Billie closed his eyes in frustration. "Erin...if you'd just listen and understand." He tone was sharp and irritable.
"I do understand," I snapped like a spoilt brat, "I understand perfectly actually." I turned to look at him. That profile, his perfect face, the way his small nose perfectly forms in a curve, the way his large eyelashes flutter against his cheek. I frowned at him for making me melt.
"Erin, please, it won't happen again, I... "
The car stopped outside my apartment.
"Billie, to be quite honest, this is what I think, you have never stopped loving her, and you always will... you have just kissed her, you obviously are meant to be with her." I snapped harshly at him, I got out of the car and slammed the door.
"Erin."
"JUST LEAVE IT!" I screamed. I jumped, surprising myself at my own reaction. He shot backwards from the car window, a horror mixed with sadness in his eyes.
I turned and walked into the building. He didn't follow me.

I ran straight to my room, ignoring Adele's yells, I crashed into my pillow and sobbed, I cried for my disappointment, my foolishness for loving him so much. I couldn't believe it, it didn't register. Spilling it all out to Adele was the worst feeling in the world.
"Erin... I don't know what to say," she sat dumbfounded, but I had already worked out what I had to do.
"It's obvious he loves her, always has, they should be together for their kids sake, I'm not standing in the way of Joe and Jake's lives." I pulled out the drawing of him and ran my fingers across the picture's face, remembering how the real and 3D Billie Joe's face felt against my fingertips. I shuddered as more tears escaped through my eyelashes and fell onto the drawing. How could this have happened?

He sat down opposite me on the kitchen table, that table where we had first sat and he had opened up to me, a stranger whom he trusted enough to let inside his thoughts. My hands were laid out in front of me; he took the right one up in his own strong ones and inhaled.

"Don't go," he breathed softly holding my hands to his face. He looked deep into my eyes with those piercing green crystals of his. My heart broke as I knew I had to do the right thing. I wanted to be selfish, to stay and be with him forever but deep in my heart I knew that he had to stay with Adi whom it was clear he couldn't live with or without. My chest became heavy; it felt like I was carrying a ton on my ribcage, it ached every time I breathed. I started to think that having a broken heart wasn't a metaphor, could the heart actually break? Because the hurting in my chest told me it did.

Billie stayed silent as I searched through my brain; he just looked at me as he breathed heavily, he looked determined, determined not to let me go.
I swallowed, knowing I would have to speak sometime soon,
"I...I have to go..."
"No you don't," he snapped letting my hands drop and swinging his whole body around to land on his knees before me on the kitchen stool,
"You don't have to go, you should stay, please stay, for Joey, for Jacob... for me."
I took in his words slowly, tears beginning to form behind my eyes, he didn't understand, my heart had spilt, it was truly a goner, but Billie looked up at me, desperation in his eyes, a glint of hope shining brightly. I let out a sob, unable to bottle up my emotions any longer, it was as if he was a surgeon, who had cracked open my ribs and was trying to massage my heart back to life, but it was too late.
"Billie..." I sobbed, "Please don't do this...just let me...just let me go"
Tears trickled down my face and I reached up to cup his face one last time. His head fell into my palm and he rested there like a lost puppy dog, I could feel the pulse in his jaw escalate. I couldn't take much more of this, silent tears ran down my face and he looked up at me at last with understanding in his eyes. He knew now that he couldn't stop this, he couldn't do or say anything.
It took all my strength for me to pull away, I looked deep into his eyes once again, his beautiful green teary eyes that pierced through me I began wiping the tears from under my eyelashes and walking away, not saying a word and not looking back as I shut the front door behind me.

That was it, I had left. For good.

I sat on my bed listening to Bob Dylan, the words touching me in a way I'd never felt before,
I'm not the one you want, babe,
I'm not the one you need.
I clutched my pillow like a lost child and I felt tears forming again behind my eyes,
Everything inside is made of stone.
There's nothing in here moving
I heard Adele turn the key into the apartment door then slam it shut, I leaned back against my bedroom wall, I didn't need this now,
But it ain't me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.
The song stopped and a knock erupted on my door, "Erin" I heard Adele whisper, "Erin, can I come in?" she didn't wait for an answer as she swung the door open slowly, she took in the sight of my smudged mascara form and gasped,
"Oh Erin." She swooped down on me like a mother hen and began cooing in my ear. "You left then?" she asked, I nodded unable to bring myself to speak yet, I kept picturing him with his head resting in my hands, the look on his face, like I was abandoning him, it hurt to even think anymore.
"Come on Erin, do you want to get some sleep?" I nodded my whole body aching and in need of relief. She tucked me in softly and patted my head,
"It will hurt Erin, but you did the right thing, you're a good person." She smiled before leaving me to fester with my scorched mind. If I was such a good person I wouldn't have left. My skull ached, I tried to sleep, to find relief, No, you had to leave, and you weren't going to break up a family were you?
I crashed my head into the pillow, intent in smothering my mind to stop myself thinking.

"I don't understand Miss Kenyon, you want to switch back? But last week you asked to keep the job for good." I sighed at the man down the phone.
"I know that Mr. Leaver but I've changed my mind."
"Well that's ridiculous; you can't keep changing your mind all the bloody time."
He snapped at me clearly irritated and I slouched into the couch. I'd had enough.
"Do you know what Mr. Leaver?" I hissed through my teeth, "It doesn't fucking matter consider this my resignation, I'm quitting."
"Miss Kenyon..."
"No, Mr. Leaver, just give me last weeks pay and then I'll fuck of out of you're life for good, goodbye and go fuck yourself."
I slammed the phone back onto the receiver and frowned at Adele who was looking at me with a disapproving glare.
"What?" I snapped.
"You didn't have to quit." She stated dryly sipping from her tea.
"Well I wanted to." I snapped back folding my arms and tucking my legs underneath me.
"What are you gonna do for money?"
"I dunno, think you could have a word at the bar for me?"
"Yeah I'll ask today, I know they are looking for people down the road at The Rainbow," she sniffed.
"Hmm I dunno." I moaned not really wanting to think at all.
"You okay if I pop out to get some food?" Adele asked pulling on her coat and settling her empty cup down on the table next to her.
"Yeah Adele I'm not ailing."
"You're not what?" she asked confused.
"Ailing, sick, ill you know," I sighed running my palm across my face and looking at the TV like I was thoroughly interested.
"I'll see you later then." She smiled shutting the door behind her.
I groaned loudly, I hated everything and everyone right now. I felt like destroying the apartment just so I could have something to do. The aggression and sadness was building up in my throat. I sniffed hard; I wasn't going to spend all day crying over him. But...I suppose I could spend a few hours with a bottle of Vodka letting the tears spill down my cheeks.