Bottom of the Blackest Hole

“You know,” I started, “it kinda feels good to be home.” I grinned at the exhausted looking Josh. He grunted in response before collapsing on the couch. Coco mewed happily to find that his owner was back. Josh petted her subconsciously.

I dragged my suitcase to the bedroom and began unpacking; putting things in places they should be and dumping dirty clothes in my basket. When I was done, two hours had already past making it 10 PM. I stretched and walked out to the kitchen. Josh lay on his back peacefully, with his mouth hanging open slightly. Strands of hair were on his face. One of his arms was on his side while the other was holding his head. Coca slept curled up on his stomach.

I couldn’t help but let out a big grin at the sight. It was weird how small things from him made him look so adorable and a little vulnerable. The annoying sound of the phone rang the air shaking me out of my reverie and I quickly made my way to answer it, as to not wake up Josh.

“Yellow,” I greeted while walking into the kitchen to pour some milk.

“You’re back!” a voice screeched, I already knew it was Courtney.

“Mhmm,” I murmured as I drank the cold milk.

“How was it?” she asked excitedly.

“It was okay,” I said. I placed the phone between my shoulder and ear and washed the glass quickly.

“Aw come on! Details!” she groaned. I rolled my eyes and walked to the bedroom to lay on the bed.

“Details…,” I started, “Well, the hotel was nice, I went window shopping, saw some cool places,” I paused for a millisecond, “And I saw my mom.”

Silence engulfed the conversation.

“…Courts?”

“What?!” she shrieked, “You saw your mom?!”

“That’s what I said Courts,” I sighed. Here we go…

“How could you have not called me?! This is why you need to have a cell phone! Were you just going to wait until I ask you? You little…,” she trailed off not knowing what to say. When she didn’t have anything to say, she cleared up her throat, “Did you at least talk to her?”

I smiled a little. It was so Courtney. “Yeah, I did.” I inwardly hope that she wouldn’t press for more details about this. She didn’t.

“Oh. So…how was it?” she said in a teasing tone.

“I already told you. It was okay. Beautiful city, though.” I rolled over so I was on my back.

“That’s not what I mean. What I mean was...how was it?” I stayed silent to figure out what she was trying to say.

“Ummm…I don’t know what you’re trying to say here,” I said truthfully. I could almost here as if she rolled her eyes.

“The sex!” she yelled, “You’re sober now so you must know how it was.” I flushed pink. Oh, that.

“We didn’t have sex, perv,” I mumbled.

“Did you do anything? I mean, all those lingerie Sofia packed must’ve done something.”

I glared at the comforter. I knew it was Sofia. “I didn’t wear those,” I pressed.

“Oh, so you went naked?”

“No, I wore actual pajamas.”

“Did you guys kiss?”

“No,” I said in a faltering tone.

“Ah hah! You liar! Juicy details!” I sighed heavily but complied. After all, she was my best friend.

After our conversation was over, with much squealing and girly screaming on Courtney’s part, I went to get a quick shower. When I was done, I walked outside to find that Josh was still asleep. I walked to the closet and found an extra blanket. I draped the blanket over him so that it was under his chin. Coco already left to sleep on its own bed. I took off his shoes and socks. I contemplated if I should take off his jeans too. They were uncomfortable to sleep in.

I went with my judgment and began unbuttoning his jeans. I put the blanket over his leg and began pulling the jeans. When it was off, I folded it and placed it on the coffee table.

Then when that was done, I walked back to bed and slept.

--

It’s been two months.

I slid my new, sleek cell phone up and down. Josh had a gotten it for me when he had overheard Courtney complaining that I needed a cell phone. It was nice that he got it for me, I guess.

I sighed as Coco jumped on the couch to sit next to me. Coco and I here have been getting along a little better. Maybe a little too much. Sometimes when Josh was out meeting a client, I’d find myself talking to the cat. Complaining sometimes and telling it about my day. Shh, don’t tell anyone. I might be losing my mind. But dang. That cat was an excellent listener.

It didn’t help the fact that I have to stay home and not be able to go outside without someone else. Sofia and Courtney made that rule up and Josh totally agreed. I couldn’t even step out of this building. I glanced at the clock. It was three already. Sofia and Courtney were picking me up to go to the mall. They said something about me needing new clothes. I guess I needed it. I couldn’t wear my jeans anymore because they seem to be too…small. And my shirts won’t cover my growing stomach as much. And yeah. I feel like a total fat ass.

“I’m bored too,” I mumbled to the cat. I petted him as he stretched and yawn.

I sighed for the millionth time that day before getting my lazy bum off the couch and changing into something more suitable then Josh’s sweatpants and his t-shirt.

I put on a baby blue blouse that hugged my breasts but flowed freely on my stomach. Then I pulled on the baggiest jeans I could find.

“Honey! I’m home!” I could hear Courtney’s imitation at a deep voice and Sofia giggling. I shook my head at their childish behaviors.

I walked out of the room to find Courtney making baby noises at Coco and Sofia pouring orange juice into a glass. They both had a spare key to the apartment.

“Shopping time!” Courtney announced excitedly and dragged me out of the room.

--

I got home around nine at night to find that Josh wasn’t home yet. I checked my cell phone and saw that I had two missed calls and a text. It read: Won’t be home until really, really late. The guys and I are going to go for drinks. Don’t kill the cat.

I rolled my eyes at the last sentence. I set down my ten, literally, shopping bags on the bed and began putting stuff away. When I was done, I had the weird sudden urge to clean. To clean every little dust. I did just that. I washed the dishes again, cleared the fridge, change the bed sheets, washed mine and Josh’s clothes, and wiped all the shelves and tables. All the cleaning led to a certain hallway that I seemed to ignore.

So that’s where I was. I stared at the big, dark closet. It was as if it yelled: open me! Open me! Damn curiosity. I pulled the handle but found that it was locked. I sighed in relief. I was about to turn around until a certain shiny thing on the floor. It was a key. Half of it was under the cabinet, the other was shining up at me. Just waiting for me to pick it up. Again, curiosity got the best of me and I found myself unlocking the closet.

The first thing I saw when I opened it were pictures. A lot of pictures. It was Josh and another woman. She had dirty blonde hair, gray eyes, tan skin, straight nose, and plump lips. She looked beautiful. They looked like the perfect couple. I couldn’t help but smile at how happy they looked. Happy people made me happy. Behind the pictures I saw pink clothing and picked it up. It was a scarf. It felt soft and silky in my hands. I didn’t know why, but I took a whiff of it. It smelt of roses. That was nice.

The whole closet seemed to belong to that woman, Dixie. There were scarves, books, shirts, hair clips, pictures, a music box, and did I mention pictures? Now I knew why this place felt empty when I first saw it. These wonderful pictures and trinkets used to be around the apartment. Now, they were all trapped in ugly brown boxes. I didn’t know what made me do this weird action but I began taking things out. Not all of it, just some. I set a couple of pictures around the empty shelves and hung them on the empty walls. I set the music box on the table beside the bed. There weren’t many pictures I hung. Just two to three pictures. I didn’t want the man to suffer. But he couldn’t just put her away.

When I was done, I sat down exhaustedly on the couch. It was almost midnight. Sigh. I was just about to turn on the TV when I heard the sound of the door unlocking.

Josh strutted in carrying his briefcase and jacket. His hair was disheveled and he had a tired expression on his face. Now, a regular wife would’ve gotten up, took her husband’s stuff, got him a glass of something, and massage his shoulders. I was no ordinary wife. When I saw him, I just grunted before turning on the black flat box in front of me. He sat down next to me. His weight on the couch made me slid down so my shoulder was pressed to his.

“You gotten bigger,” he noted. I didn’t know what went wrong but I felt tears pricked my eyes.

“Well it’s your entire fault I’m fat and ugly!” I blubbered before stomping into the bedroom.

“Um,” I heard Josh’s voice after a couple of minutes. I wiped my eyes furiously before stuffing my face onto the pillow.

“I’m sorry?” it was more of a question than an actual apology. I remained silent and continued sniffing. I heard some shuffling then a quick breath of intake.

“Why is this music box right here?” Josh asked in a forced voice. I turned my head to see what he was talking about. My tears seemed to have dried up. I suddenly felt nervous. I sat down on the bed and began twiddling with my fingers.

“I put it there,” I mumbled quietly. At the corner of my eyes, I saw Josh slowly turning to look at me. I cringed when he won’t look away.

“Why is it here?” he asked in gritted teeth and all. I gave him a small shrug.

He groaned in frustration. “Why is this picture here then?” He seemed to be taking this pretty well. His voice was under control, but I knew how bad he probably wanted to yell and rip me apart.

“You and Dixie-”

“Don’t say her name!” he finally yelled. I stopped being nervous and looked up at him with narrow eyes.

“Don’t tell me what to do!” I said snobbishly, “I could say anybody’s name I want! Dixie! Dixie! Dixie!” I swear I saw a vein popped. I didn’t know what the hell was wrong with me. Maybe the pregnancy hormones were finally kicking in.

He glared back at me, just as harder, “What the hell is wrong with you?! Are you friggin’ PMSing or something?!” At that statement, my glare fell but my eyes began to water.

“I can’t be on my period because I’m pregnant, stupid! And it’s yours!” I screeched. I sobbed like a little kid.

“Fucking hell,” I heard him hiss softly.

“Don’t cry,” he said softly, “I hate it when girls cry. Please?” He placed his hands on my shoulders but I shrugged him off.

“I just need to know why these things are out here,” he continued with a soft voice.

“Dixie’s thing,” I corrected with a hiccup. He sighed.

“Yes, D…Dixie’s thing.”

“Because,” I started, rubbing my eyes, “she’s still part of your life. You can’t just put her away.” He sighed again.

“You’re right.” He murmured, “But can I put them away?”

“No,” I said stubbornly.

“Fine,” he breathed, “Just don’t cry, alright?” I nodded but the tears kept flowing out. He awkwardly put his arms around me.

“I’m sorry I called you fat and you’re not ugly. I’ll leave…Dixie’s stuff around if you want to,” he said. I hiccupped and nodded under his chin. We sat there for minutes of silence.

“Josh?” I asked, looking up a little. His eyes were closed.

“Hm?”

“I win this fight.”