Bottom of the Blackest Hole

I shoved my spoon again in the Haagan Daz chocolate ice cream before stuffing it in my mouth. I wiped my hands against my pink, puffy eyes before repeating my actions with the ice cream.

Courtney came out later looking at me amusedly. “Um, I put Leila to bed.” I looked at her blankly.

“You wanna talk about it?” she sat next to me and turned off the TV.

“I was watching that!” I protested.

She rolled her green orbs. “Oh please, you don’t even like that cheesy crap stuff.”

“I could,” I mumbled. I set the ice cream down on the floor then buried my face in the couch, muffling my screams.

“What is wrong with you?” Courtney pulled me up so I faced her, “I come home and I find you sitting in front of my door in the middle of the night…drunk and crying.”

I pulled an unattractive face. “Do you know that you are the most depressed drunk ever?” she complained.

I groaned some more. “Come on,” she pressed, “I picked up Leila from Sofia’s like you wanted me to this morning. Would you please, please tell me what’s going on?”

“I’minlovewithhim,” I murmured incoherently. Unlike anybody else, Courtney knew what I said. Her face broke out into a smile.

“What did you say?” she asked smugly. I narrowed my eyes at her. “Alright, alright. But what’s wrong about that? I don’t see why you have to be all crying and stuff. Shouldn’t you be making another baby by now?” I had the nerve to smack her with a pillow but didn’t.

“I saw him kissing that stupid Adrianna!” my voice broke at the end and I wailed loudly. She looked wide eyed at me.

“What?”

“He was kissing her! She was on top of him!” I sobbed, and not so quietly, mind you.

“Shhh,” she soothed, “Would you please crying quietly? The neighbors might think I’m going to kill you or something.” I cried louder.

“I was about to tell him how I felt!” Courtney gave me a sympathetic look before hugging me.

“Just quiet down for a little bit. Who’s Adrianna?” she asked as she patted my head.

“Some client of his,” I sniffed.

“And this all happened yesterday?” I nodded against her chest, “Did he try to explain himself?”

“Yes,” I said softly.

“And did you let him?”

“…no.” Courtney sighed.

“You should’ve.” I shook my head stubbornly. She sighed again.

A couple of minutes later, my phone rang. Twice. Thrice.

“Are you going to get that?” Courtney motioned towards the cell phone on the coffee table.

“It’s probably Josh,” my voice cracked and tears spilled from eyes just saying his name. Courtney reached to get the phone when it stopped ringing.

“Oh my god!” she shrieked suddenly, making me break apart from her. She glared at me, “102 missed calls, 66 text messages?!” I shrugged and continued being depressed.

She smacked me with a pillow. “Hey!”

“Go call that boy now! It’s pretty obvious he wants you!” She began pulling me up.

“Well he sure has a funny way of showing it!” I yelled, “Stop pulling.” I whined.

--

Two and a half hours later, I was all dressed up in jeans and a tank top with a hoodie over me. My hair was messily tied up. I sat angrily across from Josh who was biting his lip to keep himself from smiling. I didn’t find any of this funny.

“What?” I spat out. He shook his head.

“Nothing,” but his eyes danced with laughter.

“Tell me,” I demanded.

He sighed. Amusement left his eyes, “We’re wearing the same things.” I glanced at his attire, and sure enough, we were.

He was wearing the same color jeans and the same color hoodie. I didn’t ask to see if he was wearing a white wife beater. His hair was also messily done.

I felt myself soften a little. He must’ve noticed because he gave me a weak smile.

“What do you want?” I finally asked exasperatedly.

“Please come home,” he begged.

“I am home,” I said simply. I was trying so hard to be composed. I wasn’t going to cry in front of him again. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of knowing what he has done to me.

“Can you please just let me explain?” I didn’t say anything. He continued.

“We were talking and the next thing I knew she was on top of me.” I gave him a pained look. He scratched his head pathetically.

“Did you know what I was thinking when she kissed me?” I remained silent as a stone.

“Right,” he mumbled, “I was thinking: ‘Bailey would never do something like this.’” He gave me a careful grin.

“You’re not making this any better,” I growled.

His eyes danced around in horror. “What I mean was that, what she was doing didn’t feel right. It never would feel right. All I thought was of you. A normal guy would have continued whatever she was hinting but I just thought of you. You were the only thing in my mind while another girl was practically throwing herself at me. You get it?”

I shook my head. “No.” He sighed and got up. He turned my chair around and knelt in front of me. He held up the ring I had thrown at Adrianna.

“This is yours.” And he slipped it on for me, ignoring my protests and threats.

I closed my eyes. I knew that inside I had already forgiven him. But I was scared. I didn’t want to get hurt again. It was now or never.

I opened my eyes to see him inches from me.

“I want a divorce.” I whispered.