Bottom of the Blackest Hole

“Bay? Are you sure you’re fine?” Courtney asked again this morning of Monday.

“Fantastic,” I managed to squeak out before running back into my newly polished, and clean bathroom to throw up in the toilet.

“Maybe we should go see the doctor, just to make sure. You know, you’re becoming like a preg-”

“No,” I said sternly, “Don’t even say it. I am not that.”

“But Bailey! I’m really worried! Please just go check?” she begged as she pointed to the untouched bag that had the test she bought last night. I narrowed my eyes at her.

“No.” I said again.

“But-”

“No.”

She groaned, “Fine. But maybe I should call sick and stay home to take care of you.”

“Really, Courts. I’m fine, just super.” I assured her and gave her a weak smile, “I’m just a little queasy, that’s all.”

“Queasy for a week already…” She trailed off as she gave me a quick hug and walked to the front door to go to work.

I groaned before getting up from the bathroom tile floor and collapsed on the new leather couch. We have been living in New York City for two to three weeks now. Courtney got a job as a waitress in a small, yet popular diner. As for me, I worked as a salesperson selling photography and art work called Anderson’s Art Gallery. The name was oddly familiar.

We went and repainted, bought furniture–our desks and beds and a couple of things were already brought to us-cleaned, and decorate the apartment to make it look homier, and it did.

I now stared at the bag that contained my hope and possibly future. If I really did have a baby inside of me, what would I do? Would I tell him? Or would I not tell him and take care of the baby myself? And if I did tell him, would he take responsibility? Or would he run away and ignore me like a coward some men were? One thing for sure, if I was really pregnant, I would never get abortion. I could never take away a life that hasn’t even started yet. That would be cruel and wrong.

I inhaled deeply. I would have to do it sooner or later. Wouldn’t want people to see that I might be a huge elephant a couple of months from now, now do I?

I exhaled the breath I was holding in and stirred up my courage to grab the two tests in the bag before walking to the bathroom.

--

“Bailey? Where are you?” I heard Courtney’s voice from the other side of the bathroom door. I was probably in there for a long time.

“I’m in here, Courts,” I whimpered. I saw the doorknob twist and out came a very tired Courtney. She saw my tear stained face and what I was holding, the test.

“Aw, honey,” she rushed to me and hugged me tightly.

“It’s positive!” I managed to squeak out.

Courtney helped me up from the toilet lid and took me outside and sat on the couch. “Everything’s fine. We’re gonna go through this,” she assured me and smoothed down my hair.

“I thought it wasn’t supposed to be like this the first time!” I got up and began pacing around, flailing the arm that held the test.

“Accidents happen. Do you even remember him putting on a condom?” she asked skeptically.

I groaned. “I don’t know. It was pretty rushed when we took off our clothes! And then he was just in! I didn’t even notice! Everything was so blurry and numb!” I yelled and sat back down next to Courtney.

I put my face in my hands, “What do I do?” It was a semi-rhetorical question.

I felt her rubbing my back up and down in a soothing way. She always did this when I was troubled or upset.

“Well, first things first, you have to tell him,” she said thoughtfully, “then we’ll figure out from there. What do you want to do?”

I had a lot of thinking time in the bathroom, so far I only came up with one absolute answer, “I could take care of the baby myself. There are a whole bunch of single moms out there. I’m not getting rid of the baby, if that’s what you’re asking. I want to keep it.”

Just then, the serious and caring Courtney turned excited and jumpy. “Oh my gosh! We’re having a baby! We’re having a baby! Think of the little people he or she will make! The chubby faces, the tiny clothes and tiny shoes! I can’t wait to go shopping for the mini clothes! The tiny fingers and toes…the tiny you! I am so going to be the best of the best aunt ever!” she screeched in delight. I could tell already that the looks on her face; she was imagining what the baby will look like.

“You’ll help me get through this, right? You won’t leave me?” I asked, looking up at her.

“Of course! We’re best friends, remember? I’ll always be there and on the lookout for you no matter what,” she replied gently with care.

I sighed in relief and hugged her, “Thanks.”

She began stroking my hair like her mom did before, “You have to tell him Bailey. Let him at least know. He’s going to be a father, you know,” she told me, “and that’s big.”

I reluctantly nodded. “You’re right.”