Lost without You

I didn't hear it.
I should have.
I could have noticed the change.
Or at least I should have seen the signs before hand.
Oh how I wish I would have.
Because when I found you your eyes screamed at me.
So empty.
So dead.
There was no change from when you were alive.
I should have seen it.
At least before I saw the bullet hole in your forehead.
I should have been there to unload the gun with you.
But now I get to sit next to you.
Dead.
But what change is that?

I don't know if I want to read it.

I think that if I just put it down now I can save myself from your words. I can just walk away and never have to hear all the things my ears were deaf to anyway.

Oh how I wish I could.

But it's too late and my eyes scan hungrily over the page devouring the words on the flimsy paper.

Jenna Bear,
I'm sorry. For everything that I may do to you because of what I can't keep doing to myself, I'm so sorry. But please, Cubby, don't hate me. I'm doing this for you and for me, you always said that I had to think about myself sometimes.

I feel as though I've been so selfish to even think of this, to think of leaving you to take care of mom and yourself, but I know that it is what it is. I'm thinking of myself for once.

All I can ask is that you're strong. Jenna, you're beautiful and life comes so easily to you. I haven't learned it well, and what I have learned I don't want to know. You probably don't understand what it's like to walk through a life that isn't yours, but I need you to realize that I'm doing this because the brother that you want isn't who I am.

Happy isn't something that I've been in a very long time. And I'm sorry that I never told you, I know that your probably going to get hurt most over that, we never kept anything from eachother. But I couldn't put the thought into words that I could tell you, they all seemed so fake.

Please, move on. I did.

I'm not anything that, when you look back, would have made a big difference in your life. I'm only a hinderance in anything that I am a part of. You, on the other hand, make things so much better. But the smiles that you brought on my face weren't enough to keep the truth from me. I know now that I'm better where I'm going to be then in a life so innocently placed near what sham of a life I have lived.

Don't feel bad. Don't blame anyone but me. You need to continue life the way it was meant to be lived, and I know that you can do it, you're so much stronger then I am.

Just remember, J, that I love you more then you will ever know.
I love you more then death but death has such a hold on me.

Live for me, for you.
Christian.

I didn't know that the truth hurt so much. And I almost wish that it would have just been lies so that I wouldn't have to feel what it is that I feel.

God you play a cruel game.