Lost without You

It was so early.
The sun was barely kissing the horizon and you were shaking me awake.
We went silently out the front door.
Into the car.
And straight to the 24 hour burger joint down the freeway.
Joey's.
Chocolate shakes and french fries.
You handed me a card, a necklace in the envelope.
Happy Birthday.
And it was the happiest birthday I've ever had.

Today was my birthday.

Yesterday I had seen the shrink. George wasn't horrible but he still wasn't my cup of tea.

And now I was sitting in bed and staring at my ceiling. The numbers on my clock glowed red, 4:42.

Yay.

I hadn't been able to sleep well at all. Tossing and turning all night because I had avoided the bottle of sleeping pills on my nightstand.

Your shirt was comfortably cool around my thin body and all I could think about was the thirty eight days in between our birthdays.

The birthday you would never celebrate.

But I was tired of thinking.

Sitting up I took another look at my clock.
4:44.

Pulling myself out of bed I grabbed my tennis shoes, pulling them on without bothering to change.

Who cared if I was wearing your gym shorts, they were comfortable.

I pulled open my window, staring at the suburbs around me.

It was a little chilly but nothing I couldn't handle with a jacket. Too bad it was downstairs. Next to mom.

Oh well, I'd live.

Prying the screen off the window frame I made sure to tuck the few ones i had in the waistband of your shorts.

---

My legs felt like they had a mind of their own, the minute they met the pavement they went, my brain giving over the wheel and dropping into the backseat.

I was passing row after row of houses, some pristine and well kept while others looked a little worn.

All looked peaceful.

I didn't really realize that i was walking toward town till saw the mini-mart.

Something familiar panged in my stomach.

A few more blocks and I was passing another row of houses. Then an empty field. Then another stretch of houses.

Finally I was walking past the gas station.

I was close.

The sun began to wake, it's light peeping from the hills.

And I was there.

At the little burger joint you had taken me to so many years ago.

I stood there, on the sidewalk, just staring, not daring to cross the parking lot.

The sign still blinked blue and red and there was still a small collection of cars out front. Truckers and those unable to sleep came here most often. Only a few people sat in the booths.

I didn't notice I was crying till the world went out of focus.

Colors smeared together and the lights burned.

My shaky steps brought me closer to the memories.

And right through the door.

I sniffed, not wanting to look too disheveled before being seated.

"Do ya need a seat, hun?"

A petite gray haired lady leaned against the front counter, smiling.

All I could manage was a nod.

"Alright, right over here."

She set off, ushering me to a booth in the back.

"Can I get you something to drink?"

She was genuinely nice but I couldn't speak so I just shook my head.

She nodded, walking off behind the counter to chat with a trucker at the front.

I just stared at the red cover on the booth across from me, remembering all the things that we had laughed about.

All the things that didn't matter anymore.

My trance was broken when someone cleared their throat.

"Hey."

When I looked up it was the boy from the library standing next to my table. His sandy hair was messed up a bit but his smile was still strong.

"Mind if I sit here?"

The smirk was back. But I just shrugged, not caring enough to fight about it.

He slid in, resting his elbows on the table and looking me straight in the eyes.

"Funny to find you here so early."

His watch read 5:28.

"You hungry?"

I met his eyes, slightly lost at the question.

"Or do you want to get something to go?"

That made no sense.

"Where am I going?"

The question sounded funny, my voice strained.

"To the beach of course."

I was shocked.

But as I sat in his beat-up pickup, a box of fries on my lap and a shake in my hand I knew that this is what I needed.