You Should Know

"Sadler!" I heard my name screamed across the restaurant parking lot. Standing on the curb next to the restaurant was Rob, the drummer in Gabe's band.

Gabe and I were meeting up with the guys in his band, by my request, to get some food and catch up. They were like my brothers. I loved them all and we got along great, which was such a relief. Gabe is with these guys 24/7 and when we are together most of the time they're there.

Gabe really wanted the two days to himself and to hang with me, but I had missed the boys too. So we were meeting for lunch and then we'd have the rest of the day to ourselves. I was thankful all of Gabe's friends and myself got along and enjoyed each other's company. It would have been terrible and awkward if we didn't get along like we did.

"Robert!" I shouted back with a laugh.

"What about me dude? I'm not just some piece of pretty meat that just hangs off her arm," Gabe shouted back trying to act hurt. He struck a pose and tried his best to look sexy.

"You're like my favorite accessory though!" I wiggled my eyebrows and waited for Gabe to catch up to me.

"I do go with everything you own. And I clean up pretty nice," He smiled giving me a small kiss.

"Robert, your hair looks amazing," I said as we got to the curb where he was standing. He had parted it and slicked it back, like he had really made an effort into his appearance today.

"I did it just for you," He said flipping his hair back before giving me a hug.

"The part is perfect," I teased him. "Why didn't you let the guy that cut your hair cut this ones?"

"Oof, right?" Rob laughed as he swatted Gabe in the stomach.

"Enough about my hair! I'm self-conscious guys!" Gabe whined and stalked off toward the entrance to the restaurant.

"Heath and Tyler here yet?" I asked Rob as we walked to the entrance.

"Not sure...maybe they're inside," Rob responded.

"Fucking about time!" Tyler joked as we entered the restaurant. Tyler and Heath sprung up from the bench they were sitting on, waiting for us.

"Family establishment," Heath corrected Tyler with a laugh.

"We're on time," Rob said playing with the part in his hair. I hoped he knew I was serious about liking his hair and wasn't being sarcastic like usual.

"Stop, you'll mess up your hair. I was being serious, I like it, you know?" I whispered to Rob. He just started to laugh at me.

"I know...It's just new for me this part." I took his hands away from his hair and chuckled.

"Let's get a table," Gabe said and made the motions with his arms to corral us to the hostess stand. We started moving and he brought up the rear.

"Table for 5, please," Tyler said to the hostess and she took us to a booth.

"I'm dreading getting up at like 6am tomorrow to get me ready for the next days bus call," Tyler said looking over the menu. They had to be on the road at 6am to get to the Warped tour location in Jersey.

"Gabe got up with me today at 6 to prepare," I gave Gabe a quick wink.

"Well, I wasn't actually up...I just pretended to be awake enough to get me by, but the other stuff that happened I was fully awake for." I rolled my eyes at Gabe and blushed a bit.

"Dude, she's like our sister...enough," Heath said setting his menu down. I laughed at Heath's disgust at Gabe discussing our sex life. I put my menu down.

"I'm in such a routine for work and school that I like can't sleep in these days. I took this week off from work, but still have to finish stuff for my classes. I'm trying to get it all done so I can come and rage at Warped Tour!" I kissed Gabe's shoulder as I sat next to him.

I felt this weird feeling in my stomach and I couldn't place what it was. It had been nerves and butterflies and uncertainty for the last few weeks. I couldn't shake the feeling, but was doing my best to pretend everything was okay. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I had an amazing boyfriend and he loved me just as much as I loved him, if not more.

The waitress came and gave us our drinks and took our orders. I watched as everyone placed their order. I was so content and also crawling out of my skin with anxiety. I had to relax. Gabe gave me a look and raised his eyebrows at me – nonverbally asking me if I was okay. I just nodded and smiled. He put his arm around me and rubbed my neck. He knew there was something wrong. He had known since last night, but I couldn't even figure out what it was. I didn't know, so I couldn't communicate it. It was just a gut feeling at the moment.

"Can you believe after this Warped Tour, we will have our last tour of our own?" Tyler asked as we sat waiting for our orders to come out.

"It's a little surreal, isn't it?" Gabe seemed a little sad, but they had wanted to all do their own separate things. Go different routes.

"Once you guys are done, I'm sort of stuck with you at all times..." I gave them my best frightened face.

"You won't know what to do with me," Gabe laughed and looked me over.

"I'll know what to do with you, but eventually we'll get done with all that and then I'm gonna have to kick you to the curb," I said motioning with my thumb that he'd have to hit the road.

"We were pretty much together for the entire year we got together...when we were recording the album. And you stuck around."

"But, only because I knew you would be leaving for months on end," I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Oh snap," Rob laughed.

"I'm sure it goes both ways," I patted Gabe's knee and then kept my hand there.

"I actually was going to break up with you at dinner tonight," Gabe said straight-faced and gripped my shoulder in a "Sorry Kiddo" type way.

"Can you at least wait till I eat a little bit? I can't handle a break up on an empty stomach," I pleaded. I loved food too much and he laughed at me wanting to eat before being broken up with.

"You get two bites and we're done. And I am ordering for you." Gabe put me into a loose headlock.

"Totally fine. Tyler, maybe we can reconnect," I aid and mouthed "call me" to Tyler.

"Seriously? Tyler? You pick Tyler over me?!" Rob exclaimed sounding hurt. I just laughed and Gabe released me from his headlock, but kept his arm slung around me and I nestled into his body and the crook under his armpit.

"You're like my ultimate fantasy, Rob. I can't have you just yet. I have to wait for it," I told Rob and gave him a wink. I would choose Rob over anyone else in the band any day. He was literally like my little brother – absolutely no attraction, but he was the sweetest, kindest and best person I had ever met.

"Sounds about right," Rob said puffing out his chest.

"Dude, marry this girl," Heath chimed in. "...She'll be like our 5th member." I could feel my face blushing and I then also started to sweat. What was wrong with me?

I looked at Gabe and fell more in love and also felt so much panic. I appreciated the sentiment and that the guys loved me. I loved them too. Gabe kissed the top of my head lightly. Did I want to marry Gabe? I thought so? I wasn't sure if I was ready for marriage just yet. We hadn't talked about it yet.
I needed to change the subject. It was too serious for me, even if it was meant in a lighthearted way.

"I don't do laundry."

"Yes you do. My whites are always crisp," Gabe blew my cover.

"Fine, but I will charge a fee. Even you will have to pay," I nudged Gabe with an elbow to the ribs.

"I'll pay you in sexual favors," He pulled me closer.

"No, I want money; cold hard cash," I put my fists down on the table and broke away from his body.

"You're a smart business woman, Sadler," Heath laughed. "Gabe's sexual favors are lacking."

"Tell me about it," I laughed. "I can separate my personal life from business and laundry is strictly business," I sipped the wine I had ordered.

"Oh, I made you guys some brownies and cookies and all that good stuff. I have it in the car...I'm trusting Heath with it. I know he'll make sure they get on the bus."

I had baked this morning so they had a treat on the bus. I liked taking care of them, even if the brownies were just for the hour ride to the venue. I would make a bunch more to bring them when I met up with them right before their set at three O'clock. Gabe's dad was letting me takeover his kitchen. I always mad him some too and he hated it and loved it at the same time.

When our meals came, we ate, talked, laughed and enjoyed each other's company. I tried not to think about this being almost my last night Gabe, but I couldn't completely push it out of my mind.

I kept thinking about how hard it was going to be when he left, but also about all the details for tomorrow. Gabe had planned a full evening for us; dinner at my favorite restaurant. He even ordered my favorite cheesecake from this little place in Brooklyn, I overheard him confirming pick up. The days we had just together made it that much harder when he went away. I almost wish he just stayed on the road, this few days was such a tease. But, we've made it this far and we support each other and our goals, whether the same or totally different and I just had to take it one day at a time instead of thinking ahead. The thinking ahead is what scared the shit out of me.

****

"Sadie...you okay?" Meghan, my best friend since I could remember asked as we ate lunch.

I had to get into the city to do some research at the library and drop off a paper before my date night with Gabe. I wish I could take time off and just leave with Gabe in the morning and not have to come back and forth between every tristate area show the next few days, but my life wasn't that simple and I couldn't afford to do poorly in school.

"Oh yeah, totally," I nodded as I came out of a fog.

I had a war going on inside me for the past week. I was having conflicting thoughts about my relationship with Gabe. I loved him, probably more than one woman should, but part of me was aching for more time with him and part of me was torn on whether or not I was holding him back from experiencing the whole "rockstar" thing.

I was so proud of Gabe, watching him on stage and watching him with his fans, there were no words to describe how I felt – just pure joy and excitement wrapped in this awe. I just wanted him to be able to get everything he wanted and I wanted things for me too. I tried to put it off, but I couldn't shake it. I hid it well most days, but then other days everyone would ask me if I was "okay." I'd get lost in my thoughts and zone out.

"What's running through your mind? I've known you way too long for you to think I'm gonna let it go," Meghan smirked sipping her drink.

"I've just been thinking a lot about me and Gabe...I just sometimes think I'm too young to be in love. I mean, I met him when I was what 22?" I laughed a bit, to not make it all so serious. "And I'm 24 now...he's gotten much more successful...shouldn't he enjoy that more without being attached?" I asked sheepishly and avoided eye contact.

"Sometimes you can't help when you fall in love...And if Gabe didn't want to be attached he could have broken it off too. He loves you," She was almost stern in her delivery and she didn't hide the tone of her thinking I was crazy.

"I know...I just don't know if I can do it again. If I can go on with him leaving for a year at a time...I'm not sure if it's what I want." I confessed.

"Have you hinted at any of this with Gabe?" She seemed shocked. I was never this wishy-washy. I was usually carefree and go with the flow and able to take things day by day, but I was so anxious lately. There was something bothering me and I couldn't stop obsessing about the future and it not having us together.

"Of course not...I don't know...I just know I feel like I want to vomit from anxiety all the time," I sighed and put my elbows up on the table and then propped my head in my hands.

"Sadler...just trust your heart. Don't think with your head. You've never been one to get so riled up like this. Things happen for a reason and if you two are meant to be you'll be and you'll try and make things work," She assured me.

"Thanks Meg," I smiled at her and she hugged me.

"We love Gabe. Don't do anything irrational, okay? And If you need anything let me know. I gotta get back to work," Meg kissed the top of my head, cleaned up her area and scurried off to hail a cab back to work and I left the courtyard and walked back into the library.

I didn't know what I was thinking or feeling. I hated the emotions that were coursing through my body. All I knew now was I needed to find a bathroom or a space to get ready for tonight. I was actually really looking forward to it. I had gotten a new outfit. I loved that excitement of getting dressed up and having fun with Gabe and then it was met with such anxiety and gloom over whether or not I was the right person for him. Why was I questioning this? Why couldn't I shake this feeling. Was I a commitment phobic person? Is that what this feeling was? I just needed to shake it all off.