You Should Know

The few days that Sadler and I had together flew by way too quickly. I fell even more in love with her than before. She was an amazing girl. It felt strange to feel so strongly about someone and be so young, or at least that is what people on tour tried to tell me. But, I was sure they just wanted me to party and didn't want to deal with the fall out if anything had happened. They wanted everyone single to partake in their debauchery. I was able to partake and still maintain not cheating on my girlfriend.

Sadler and I had had our fights and our differences, but we worked through them and I came out respecting and loving her more. Tonight, was our last night together before I left in the morning. I'd see her tomorrow afternoon for a bit and then we were off to Buffalo and then California and I'd miss her.

I had gotten a call from our label and management that our date in Buffalo would be our last day on Warped tour. It was a lot sooner than we had thought. We only had a few weeks left on the tour, but the label wanted us to take some time to recuperate and prepare for our tour. We would be leaving so soon and it kind of put a strain on everything. I'd at least have tonight and tomorrow to be with Sadler. I just had to enjoy the time I had.

I had the whole evening planned. I picked Sadler up from the library, she had to get some research in for school and I took her to dinner at her favorite restaurant.

"Thank you for loving me even though I eat meat," She smiled as she ate her chicken dish. She was lit up nicely from the candle on the table and I just stared at her for a minute, taking her in.

"It's a personal thing. I'll change you soon though." I teased her. She rolled her eyes at me and wiped her mouth with her napkin.

"I really could give up meat. I don't eat it much and really; it'd be easy...Do you want me to?" She rambled and then asked seriously. Her face changed.

"You still have to be who you are," I said taking her hand across the table. "Like you say to me, you're not in the business of changing me...I definitely don't want to change you."

"Yes, yes you do," She laughed. "You wish I was less stubborn or trusting of strangers...I have a list of things you wish I wasn't," She smiled at me and batted her eyelashes.

"Those are things that make me nervous. You talk to anyone and everyone at all times of night and doesn't matter the location," I wanted to laugh, but I was also serious. She'd call me while walking home from the subway and talk to everyone. She'd also not back down from someone if they harassed her and she had no fear, but I did. I worried all the time about her.

"I'm an adult. I trust my gut. Sorry, I'm sociable." She was annoyed with me.
"Don't be mad," I laced my fingers with hers and gave her a wink.

"Can I pack myself in your suitcase?" She asked and her mood changed as she grinned from ear to ear.

"Naked?"

"Yes! Fold me in your luggage." Her eyes lit up and she was so happy. I was going to miss that smile.

"And then we won't have to worry about flying to visit me."

"Exactly! I won't have to fret about buying those four plane tickets to come see you."

"Wait, four tickets? I thought you were only coming to see me twice," I perked up. We had made plans for her to try over Thanksgiving and Christmas break when she had time off from school. I hated that they were so close to each other and then I'd have to wait to see her when I was in town months later and in May when she was finished with school.

"Oh, no! I told you last week I was going to do my best to visit you four times. I'll visit you four times in the year you'll be away from me," She got sad and held my hand tighter.

It was so hard to leave, but it was my dream and we were trying to balance it all. Sadler never asked me to stop, she knew from the beginning this was who I was and it was my dream. I never asked her to stop doing what she wanted to do either. She loved school, her students and her job and she was amazing at it. We just made it work. I guess we'll have to figure it out eventually, but for now we support each other's dreams and make our relationship work around them.

"This will be the longest we're apart. I mean months here and there – nothing, but this is over a year. I need to see you more than two times," She said forcing a smile, but her eyes were brimming with tears.

"I am going to miss you like crazy. I am going to need many trips to the bathroom for alone time this tour," I teased and reached across the table to cup her face with one of my hands and stroked her cheek with my thumb.

"I'll have to take some pictures for you tonight," She winked kissing my thumb.

"Can I take them? I'm a really good photographer. I've got a good eye."

"Obviously, you're dating me," She laughed taking my hand away from her face and just holding it. She kissed my knuckles lightly.

We finished up our dinner and went back to my place to spend the night. I had a car service coming to get me in the morning to take me to meet up with the rest of the guys. I wasn't ready for it.
Sadie helped me pack most of my stuff last night and all I had to do was pack up my toiletries. It was going to be an interesting tour. I wasn't touring much when I met Sadie. We had just started recording when we met and this year has really tested us. I don't know if either of us were sure about what it meant to be dating someone that toured, but I was proud of us. I was confident in us.

I was less confident that I would wake up on time to be ready for my car or that I wouldn't need a liver transplant after this tour, but as long as I had something good to come home too, I was happy.

"Gabe..." Sadie whispered as we lay together. I had to be up soon and I hadn't slept much because Sadler was tossing and turning all night.

"mmhmm," I said without opening my eyes. Trying to get any sleep I could.

"Do you ever think we're too young for love?" She asked with a distinct warble in her voice, as if she were about to cry.

"Sadler...go back to sleep," I laughed a bit.

"I'm serious," She said and I could feel her move and sit up. I opened my eyes and looked up at her.
She was sitting sort of Indian style, fidgeting with her hands as she faced me. "Maybe, this is all too fast. And...maybe we're too young," She just kept looking down and her voice cracked.

"Where's this coming from?" I asked sitting up. I turned on the bedside lamp and took her hands in mine.

"I just feel like...you're out touring...and I am so proud of you. You're living out your dream, but I just don't want to hold you back. I want you to experience it fully and this potentially being your last tour...you should enjoy it to the fullest. I just am a downer," Tears were now falling from her eyes. I was so confused.

"Did I make you feel like that? Like a downer? You have to know, that not once did I ever not want you to be my girlfriend and I don't regret being in a relationship and out on the road." I said taking her face in my hands. "I know it's been hard, but I love you," I kissed her lips and she sort of pulled away and just put her forehead to mine. I was getting angry.

"Is this how you want to leave things?" I asked her. "I leave in two hours and you really want to do this?" I started choking up now too, but I swallowed it. I was so pissed off.

"No...but, I just want you to have everything, but disappointment; disappointment that you didn't live a little more on the road and you didn't get to fully experience it."

"Last time I checked we were in a relationship together...this wasn't a dictatorship," I said angrily and started pacing around the room.

"I thought we had a relationship where we could tell each other our hopes and fears. A relationship where we could be honest and work through our issues, but apparently, I was wrong. I don't know who the fuck I've been dating for the past year and a half because it certainly wasn't who I thought," I just started yelling.

"I just want you to be happy...and I can't give you that," She cried as she got off the bed and she started putting her pants on.

"You're crazy," I said throwing up my hands. "Stop telling me how I feel about you and about the whole situation!"

"I'm not crazy!" She yelled back. "You'll see when you're out there without strings. You'll have a better time."

"Stop putting up these walls Sadler! You're just pushing me away because you're scared."

"No...I just can't do this anymore. I can't. I'm sorry." She said grabbing her purse, throwing on shoes and heading out the door.

"Fuck you!" I screamed after her. What just happened? Did she really break up with me and run away?

I wasn't about to chase her. I wasn't about to scream at her in the streets. I really wanted to, but I didn't have the energy. I felt like I just had the wind knocked out of me. I was crumbling on the inside. I didn't know what to do. I was so lost. When did she start feeling this way? Things seemed so great the last almost three days. I started to pack some things I had left out because I just didn't know what to do. I was going to be picked up in two hours. I couldn't go back to sleep now – I was too torn up.

I went and got in the shower. I couldn't even process what just happened. I was so blindsided; I didn't know what to do or think. My girlfriend just broke up with me for no apparent reason except that she had done a complete 180 and was completely insecure. She morphed into someone completely different. I was stunned.
I finished up in the shower and went back out into my bedroom to get dressed. Sadie was back and sitting on the bed.

"What's going on here?" I asked pulling up a chair in front of her. I was trying to be calm.

"I don't know...I just know that I can't do this anymore. I thought I could, but I can't. I just continually feel like I'm holding you back from reaching your potential and that I'm holding you back from the whole experience. I just sit here missing you terribly and I knew...thought I knew what it'd mean to date someone that was never there, but...It's so hard," She cried looking me in the eyes. It was hard, I wasn't arguing with her about that.

"Well, first, know that is completely untrue. I love you and if that were true, I would have ended it. And second, do you think it's easy for me? Easy at all for me to be away from you?"

"Gabe...if I said I just can't do this anymore...do you think we'd still be in each other's life at all?"

"Where the fuck did all this come from? I'm totally confused, Sadler."

"I tried to keep it down...I did, but something was missing and I just can't go on like this," She spat out through sobs.

"What's missing? I can't go on talking circles about this either," I said frustrated.

"You? Stability? I don't know...maybe I'll figure it out one day, but for now...that's all I can convey. I love you, I do," She said as she came and curled herself up on my lap. I wanted to shove her off and not touch me, but I also just wanted to try and make things better.

I just let her lay there. I smoothed her hair, she was crazy, she really was. I could tell by the way she was acting that she had kept this all inside. I had felt like something was off, but didn't want to think it was going to lead to this. She couldn't articulate why she was leaving me, it just was jumbled and vague sentences. She was always articulate and made sure to convey her point, this was so abnormal for her.

I didn't want to let her go. I didn't want her to just end this, but it seemed futile. She just kept shutting me down.

"I gotta go..." I finally said; the car would be here soon to pick me up. I still needed to get dressed.

"Right, I'm sorry," She said wiping her eyes as she sat up. I wanted to shake her and scream at her. She just made me so angry and yet I wanted to kiss her and hold her all at the same time.

"Good luck with everything," She said awkwardly as she headed for the door.

I went and just kissed her. I had to one last time. I still loved her with all my heart, even with this one crazy episode. She kissed me back and wrapped her arms around my neck. These signals were so mixed. I didn't know what was happening.

"I'll call you, friend," I said to her as we parted. I didn't want to lose her out of my life either. And who knew what was in our future. She just nodded and then finally left.

I got dressed and then headed out to meet my car, with the biggest broken heart ever.