You Should Know

I left Gabe’s apartment and had no idea what I was feeling. I was feeling so many emotions. I felt relief, sadness, embarrassment, and regret all at the same time. I don’t know why I did what I just did, but there was this overwhelming sense brewing inside me that I couldn’t ignore. I could only see our relationship going downhill and ending terribly for us while he was on tour for so long. I’d never see him and I needed him. I needed stability and his touch. I needed him around to make me laugh and not just over the phone or through text. I needed him to be with me physically. I realized that even more with being able to spend the last three days with him. I didn’t want to be that needy girlfriend, but not being able to see him has taken more of a toll on my than I could have imagined. I didn’t want to give up my life and dreams and didn’t want him to give up his either, I’m not sure if we could have lasted without one of us compromising; I am sure it would have been me.

We had such a beautiful night until I ruined it. Gabe picked me up from the library, I had to fit in some school work unfortunately. I wanted our few days together to be uninterrupted, but with work and school I couldn’t seem to get caught up in time. I was trying to get caught up though so I could come and see him on the road the next few dates too. Maybe, my anxiety about our relationship was holding me back from getting on track.

We went to dinner at my favorite restaurant, this small darkly lit Italian place in the East Village. My anxiety was not outrageous at dinner, It came and went while he was home. There were times where I was so in the moment and was madly in love with him and just happy to have him home with me. And then there were times where I was a mess from pretending everything was fine. I felt crazy. I was sabotaging everything. I was more sad about him going back on the road and leaving sooner than anticipated. He was so sweet and caring and funny with me and I was swooning like when we first met. I was infatuated with him from the moment I saw him, despite me trying to play it cool.

After dinner, we walked around the village for a bit and through the park before heading back to Gabe’s place in Jersey City. He had gotten my favorite cheesecake and we shared it with a glass of my favorite prosecco. The whole night was so nice and Gabe was being so sentimental and so attentive, it made me so at ease.

We headed to bed early because Gabe had to get up and get to the next venue and had a car coming for him at six. Gabe fell asleep easily, like he always did. He could fall asleep in the smallest places and the loudest places, if he was tired he could pass out. I tried desperately to fall asleep, but without Gabe distracting me my thoughts just started to consume me. I tossed and turned until I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

The anxiety I was feeling felt sort of like a high school girlfriend with her boyfriend going off to a different college- that never ended up well. I don’t know what it was. I had never panicked like this before in my life.

I walked to the train and headed back into the city. I needed to see my girlfriends. I needed them. I needed some support right now and to not feel like such a fucking asshole.

Meghan and my other best friend, Emily from college lived together in Williamsburg and I had my own key to their place. I let myself into their building and walked up the five flights. I was out of breath and as I steadied myself in front of their door to get it together, I just started to cry. I shakily put the key in their door and let myself in. I locked up behind me and made my way down the hall to Emily’s room.

I knelt by her bedside. Thankfully, she was alone. “Em…” I whispered.

“Yeah…what?” She said rolling over away from me.

“It’s Sadler…” I started sobbing uncontrollably. “I don’t know what I just did or why.”

“Sadie?” She whipped around quickly. “Did you kill someone?” She asked moving over in her bed for me to get in. She patted the open space next to her.

“No…I broke up with Gabe.” I crawled into the bed next to Emily.

“What? Why? Have you not been telling me stuff?” She asked rubbing my arm. She was shocked and seemed fully awake now.

“I freaked. I panicked. He’s going away for over a year. Part of me wants him to experience tour and part of me thinks he’s just going to experience it anyway…and part of me wants him to stay.”

“Sadler, you need to get it together. That’s not you,” Emily said totally surprised. “When did this feeling start? I would have talked you down from this all.”

It wasn’t me. I was always confident and trusting to a fault. Maybe I freaked because I loved him so much? I don’t know. I just couldn’t shake this anxiety about us not working out. I let it get the best of me.

“I’m sad, but part of me feels relief…Like I was just holding him back, us back…this is for the best. You know?”

“No…I don’t know,” She looked so confused and pained. I felt even more awful at her reaction. What had I done? “I don’t really understand, baby,” Emily hugged me tightly.

“I’ve just been anxiety ridden the last week thinking about him leaving. I just couldn’t do it…I think I did the right thing for him…and for me,” I wasn’t sobbing any more, but the tears were just falling and streaming down my face.

“If you think this is the best thing for the both of you, then sure…I’m one of your best friends and I’ll help you get through this,” She said sincerely and kissed my hair as she held me.

I heard the apartment door close and someone walking through the apartment, it had to be Meg, she was up every day bright and early to go running.

“Meghan! Get in here,” Emily yelled out.

“Why are you up?” Meghan asked as she rounded the corner, she was dressed in running gear and sweaty.

“Sadler…” Meghan trailed as she saw me in the bed. She kicked off her sneakers and sat on the edge of the bed.

“What happened?” She asked.

“I couldn’t do it…I tried.” She knew what I was talking about as soon as I said it. I just started crying again.

“I’m sorry, Sadie,” Meghan said and played with my hair.

“It’s okay…I’ll get through it. I just…I love him so much.”

“He loves you very much too,” Meghan assured me. Meg came and laid next to me too.

“Lets not wallow today, okay? Let us all get ready and we will go get breakfast and some adult beverages and this day will be forgotten in no time,” Emily stretched out next to me with a yawn.

“I can call in sick today,” Meg said excitedly. “I love day drinking and eating terribly.”

“I don’t have work today, so I guess I’m not sleeping in today,” Emily laughed.

“I’m cool laying in bed all day. I don’t want to interrupt anyones day,” I felt bad about making them call in sick or interrupting Emily’s one day off this week.

“Oh shut up,” Meg pushed me in the back and then got out of bed. “We are here to help you with your breakup, but I’m not tolerating any bullshit about doubting your friends and that they want to be there for you,” Meg wasn’t great with supporting emotional situations all the time. And she definitely wasn’t about anyone doubting themselves. I groaned and rolled out of bed so that Emily could as well.

Meghan went and showered. Emily put on some clothes and threw her hair up in a messy bun; she was always so quick and low maintenance and looked amazing. I envied her and her casual coolness.

I stared at myself in the mirror above Emily’s dresser. I took a makeup wipe and ran it over my face, hoping to take away the bags under my eyes and make my eyes less swollen from crying, but sadly the wipe wasn’t a miracle worker. I opened Emily’s makeup bag and took some out to help my face look better. I took a couple deep breaths to keep myself from crying so that I could put on some concealer and not let it run all over my face.

Emily came up behind me and wrapped her arms around my shoulders and squeezed me. The gesture was nice. I wrapped my arms around her arms and she rested her chin on my shoulder. I wanted to cry again, but I again breathed in deep.

“I got you always,” Emily assured me and I could see her give me a smile in the mirror. I tried to smile back, but I couldn’t.

“Did I just ruin everything Em?” I croaked. Tears were stuck in my throat.

“Everything happens for a reason…Maybe there is something bigger and better that is going to happen for you?” She was really trying to be supportive and I loved her for it.

“You girls ready?” Meghan asked as she bounced back into the room. “Please don’t cry…” She had come around and was in a more empathetic place.

“I think I ruined everything. What did I do? I love him…” I broke from Emily’s hold and threw myself back into her bed and just sobbed.

“I’m sure if you want to call him and talk it out you both can work it out,” Meg offered cautiously.

“He won’t answer my call, I’m sure…He was so angry with me.”

“That dude is so obsessed with you, of course he’d answer your call,” Meg was trying to be optimistic for me.

“Can I get some tissues?” I asked pitifully through sobs. Emily handed me a few tissues and I blew my nose and blotted my eyes.

“What do you want?” Meg asked and gave me sad eyes.

“I want a boyfriend that isn’t gone all the time…”
Emily sat on the bed and put her hand on my legs. “Well, then maybe you’ll find that soon.”

“Well, not too soon…I mean, you can have some rebounds first,” Meg smiled brightly at me.

“Thank you guys…” I sat up on the bed.

Meg picked up Emily’s makeup bag and made her way over to the bed. “Lets get you actually looking decent and then we can go grab some food?” I just nodded.

I was thankful for such great friends. Meg put a face on me and then we were out the door in search of breakfast. It was nice to be outside and I just needed all the distractions I could get to keep my from crying or overthinking everything. I would get through this. I would feel better one day, this was what I had done and wanted, but I felt horrible and like there was a piece of me missing now.
Hopefully, that piece wouldn’t feel as big as it did right now over time.

“You feeling any better?” Meg asked a little tipsy.

“I’m just glad I’m not an emotional drunk because I’d surely be a puddle right now,” I said sipping whatever mimosa I was on.

“To being single!” Emily raised her glass to us giddily.

“Bitch, you’re not single!” Meg laughed as we clinked glasses.

“Whatever. Solidarity,” Emily smiled. We were all buzzed from drinking all day.

“Can you tell me if he has called or texted?” I asked nervously. Meg had taken my phone so I wouldn’t be tempted to drunk dial Gabe.

She pulled out my cell phone from her purse and gave it a look. “Nothing,” She showed me the proof. I wanted him to text me or call me, chase me and stop me from being crazy.

“Can I just text him that I’m sorry?”

“Why? You’re sorry, but you want a boyfriend that is around more than him…unless you’re going to quit your job or just be okay with what you signed up for, then why?” Meg came off a little harsh. Her tough love was sometimes hard to take when you just wanted to be coddled. Though, in the end it was probably better for me to not be coddled or told everything was going to be rainbows and amazing. I needed the reality, which is why I also loved Meg – even if her delivery was sometimes lacking in warmth.

“I know…I know, but I am sorry. I didn’t want to hurt him. I do love him,” I slammed back my mimosa and poured myself another from the pitcher on the table.

“No one doubts your love for Gabe. I am sure Gabe knows you love him too. You just need to give it time…It’s just all so fresh,” Emily smiled at me weakly and reached out for my hand. She took my free hand in hers and just held it. I raised my glass to my lips with my other hand. This wasn’t constructive, but was helping me forget just a little bit.

“Tomorrow is a new day,” Meg was trying to sound like she was Oprah and had all of the answers. She laughed at herself for even saying that sentence. “Sorry, so cheesy, but it actually is true. Tomorrow you can start anew,” She laughed even harder, cracking herself up. “You both know I’m not good at this shit, but I’m here for you forever and always.”

“I appreciate it. I appreciate you both – so much!” I grabbed Meg’s hand with my other hand and gave both Emily and Meg’s hands a squeeze.

“We love you,” Emily smiled.

We ordered another pitcher and became too drunk to function correctly. We hailed a cab back to Meg and Em’s apartment. I was gonna crash on their couch.

I walked in and struggled to get my shoes off. I fell over from lack of balance and finally got both of my shoes off. I plopped on the couch and wanted to pass out.

“Meg, can I have my phone? I need to set an alarm,” I lied, but I really wanted my phone to see if Gabe had texted or called.

“Sure, but that’s it. Go to bed,” She tossed me my phone and padded off to her room drunkenly.

There was nothing from Gabe and I was sad about that. I knew it would be me that would have to reach out and I know that I hadn’t given him much time, but I wanted to talk to him. It had been over thirteen hours and nothing from him. My heart was about to dissolve.

I was going to text him. If I could just focus to make sure I could type. I was too drunk. I started typing and then sleep overcame me and probably saved me from sending that text.