You Should Know

Sadie waved as her and Emily walked away. I just watched them for a minute as they walked down the street and as soon as they cleared the corner I got onto the bus. Sadler had consumed me now, like when I first saw her. Sadler had that effect on me – she was all consuming.

I don’t know why I asked her to go to the show tomorrow, but I wanted to see her again. I didn’t like the thought of us being so mean to each other. I laid down on the couch in the front of the bus. Everyone was in the back of the bus or their bunks, the front of the bus was unusually bare and open. Victoria, the keytarist in my band came out and sat at the table across from me.

“Hey,” She said as she opened her laptop. “Am I interrupting some alone time?”

“Hey…No, not at all.” I just kept staring at the ceiling of the bus.

“How are you after seeing Sadler tonight,” Victoria finally said breaking my staring.

Seeing Emily at the bar tonight threw me for a loop. After running into her I went backstage and I told Victoria about seeing her. I just needed to tell someone. It was so weird seeing someone from my past, which felt like another life and I honestly never thought I’d see Emily again. It was good to see her, but deep down I was hoping Sadler was with her. I had been thrown for a loop and needed to get it together to take the stage.

“I haven’t seen her in over a year,” I sighed rubbing my face with my hands. I didn’t know how I felt fully.

“Are you okay? You still look a little shaken up,” She was genuinely concerned.

“It’s just so weird. She’s really got this hold on me…And it’s like when you’re completely over someone, but then when you see them again – everything you felt comes rushing back.”

“Doesn’t it make you feel pathetic? Like why can’t I get over this person?” Victoria laughed a bit shaking her head.

“It really does. And what makes it worse is when you get all the feelings back, but the other person has completely moved on. That’s the worst feeling in the world,” I said and that’s how I felt at that moment. She was surely over me; she was so standoffish.

“You really think she’s over you?” Victoria asked in a bit of disbelief.

“The way she acted toward me. She didn’t want anything to do with me. She wouldn’t even let me touch her…”

“Then why did she come to the show? Why would someone that is completely over you show up after two years or whatever?”

“She is a very supportive person. When we broke up, she told me she only wanted the best for me and to be happy and she’s that person that means it. Plus, she didn’t want me to even know she was there. Emily told me…” I trailed frustrated.

“Excuses, Gabe!” Victoria sounded frustrated. “Why are you in denial that she could possibly still love you?”

“It’s easier I guess?” I rolled back to stare at the ceiling of the bus as we drove.

“How’d you guys meet and fall in love?” She exaggerated the word love, holding out it out obnoxiously.

“Seriously, Victoria?” I asked her, not really wanting to get into it.

“Seriously, tell me. You seem to have strong feelings for her still…and I love hearing about this stuff, so just tell me,” She said excitedly.

“Okay, fine,” I said shaking my head. I laughed. I couldn’t believe I was going to tell this story.

“Rob Hitt, you met him, the drummer from my old band and our friend James and I were heading down to this bar. The band had a two week break. James was driving and we stop at this light.” I propped a pillow behind my head.

“It’s good already,” Victoria smiled closing up her laptop to give me her full attention.

I hadn’t told anyone this story. Those that were there to witness how it all went down knew the story and then I of course told my family a version of the story. I had to admit I was actually excited to tell Victoria about this and reminisce, but also hard at the same time.

“Anyway,” I rolled my eyes at her. “We stopped at a light and I look in the mirror and this girl is behind us totally rocking out. I remember laughing because she was so into it and didn’t seem to care.” I laughed thinking about how hard she was going in the care that day.

“She was gorgeous. I just saw this long auburn hair flying all over her and her porcelain complexion…. She also has these really amazing eyes. They’re hazel, but they change color from like gold to green,” I stopped myself from describing her anymore. I was only supposed to be telling how we met, not giving a run down of how attracted I was to her. Also, I had a girlfriend who I loved. Just describing my ex in such detail would make anyone question. Sadler and I were in the past.

“…We pulled into a 7-Eleven to get some gum and shit and she happens to walk in after us. She was in the beer aisle. The guys were getting stuff and waiting in line and I decided I wanted to go talk to her,” I smiled remembering how scared I was.

“Slick,” Victoria laughed. “What were your first words?”

“I feel like I’m telling my daughter how her parents met,” I laughed.

“Sometimes it’s fun to tell the story of our first love. I mean, you know mine and the train wreck that was.”

“I guess it’s a little therapeutic.”

“Continue,” Victoria motioned with her hands for me to continue.

“So I walk over to her and I said ‘you were rockin’ out hard in your car. What were you listening to?’ and without missing a beat she answered with ‘fucking metal,’” I laughed.

“You look totally metal…let me guess Static-X,” I said as I grabbed her case off beer from her hands and walked with her to the register.

“Those pussies? Rammstein all the way.”

“She was so sarcastic and didn’t want anything to do with me. It was refreshing.”

“Gabe, c’mon man we’re leaving,” Rob yelled at me, half in the store and half out. He was tapping his foot waiting on me.

“So, Rob called me away, but I was totally intent on finding out exactly who she was.

“You’re so cute. She sounds hilarious,” Vicky gushed.

“She’s a riot. She made me laugh all the time. I wish you had gotten to see that Sadler tonight instead of the strange ex-girlfriend Sadler,” I wished Victoria could have met Sadler at a different time. I was positive they’d be friends if the situation was different.

“We were headed to the bar to play a benefit and then we went to this house party James got us invited to,”

“And Sadler was there?” Victoria interrupted. She was so into the story it was amusing.

“Well, I didn’t know her name yet, but, yes,” I laughed.

“I got a drink and started talking to the guys and out of the corner of my eye I saw her. She was with a group of people and she was laughing hysterically. She was lit up and there was something that drew people to her – drew me to her. She radiated this coolness,” I stopped myself before I got too sappy.

“I used my liquid courage and went over to her and her friends. I seriously went right up and stuck out my hand.”

“Hi, I’m Gabe.”

“Sadler,” she said shaking my hand. “This is Emily, Mike, Sean, and Meghan,” She pointed around the circle introducing me to her friends.

“I met Gabe earlier…he caught me rocking out in my car,” She explained to them.

“She was so into it. I was afraid she was going to rear-end me and my friends,” I smiled at her.

“I’m surprised she didn’t,” Her friend Emily laughed. “She went over a curb once while in the zone.”

“A curb?” I teased. “Rammstein make you do it?” I asked her.

“Rammstein?” Her friend Sean asked in slight disbelief.

“I told you – I love my fucking metal,” She bit her bottom lip and threw up metal hands. “And I didn’t hop a curb. I just didn’t clear a turn…” She smiled sipping her beer.

“Sadie, I was with you. You definitely were rocking out to Outkast and you had your eyes closed and we hopped a curb and drove for a bit,” Her friend Meghan sounded like she couldn't believe Sadler was not telling the truth.

“She’s a terrible driver either way,” Mike said nudging Sadie.

“I guess I’m lucky I survived with you on the road,” I teased, hoping my nervousness wasn’t too apparent.

“That’s it! I am a great driver! And new kids are not allowed to make fun of me,” Sadler laughed pretending to be offended.

“But, he fits right in,” Meghan said touching my arm.

“Gabe! Come here!” James screamed to me. I turned around to see him waving me over to him, Rob, Heath and Tyler.

“What the hell? Can’t they see you’re trying to mack?” Victoria asked sounding annoyed with the guys.

“Crazy, right? I was so pissed off.”

“Her friends seem really cool. It’s cute that she included you and didn’t act all weirded out by you.”

“She wanted me,” I said puffing out my chest.

“Of course,” Victoria rolled her eyes at me.

“I go over to the guys and they’re just shooting the shit. I was annoyed.”

“Dude, you’re hanging out with Sadler?” James asked.

“You know her?” I asked a little confused that he didn’t say anything earlier – he saw me talking to her at 7-Eleven.

“That’s Sexy Sadie,” He laughed. He had told me stories about this girl in one of his classes that he was obsessed with.

“Now I know what you mean. I had no idea that they were one in the same. She’s really cool too.” I said looking back at her and her group. She wasn’t paying attention to me. She was laughing again and seeing her lit up instantly made me smile too; it was a weird feeling.

“She totally took me over, V. Like no one has ever done before. She was just so confident,” I sighed sitting up on the couch and readjusting myself to better tell the story.

“She’s so hot,” James slurred.

“Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friends?” Sadler asked as she stood next to me. Hopefully, she hadn’t heard James.

“Of course…these are my friends Tyler, Heath, Rob and James.” I said “This is Sadler.” She shook their hands and told them it was nice to meet them.

“Rob, Tyler, Heath and I are in a band together,” I told her.

“What’s your band?”

“It’s not metal, so you may not have heard of us,” I winked at her. I was getting my confidence back, but was trying to still play it cool.

“Probably not, but humor me,” She sipped her beer.

“Midtown?”

“You’re sexy," James slurred.

“Thanks, but a lot of people call me Sadie,” She laughed. She didn't miss a beat. There was no judgement.

“Her friends left to go to another party, but she hung out with me and the guys for the rest of the night. She fit right in. She was so quick witted. I seriously think I fell in love with her that day,” I laughed to Victoria. She was still immersed in my story.

“How come you didn’t leave with your friends?” I asked her as we left the party. The guys ran up ahead to stand and wait for our cab.

“I wanted to hang out with you…you made a good first impression,” She smiled nervously and blushed a little.

“Just so you’re not completely surprised later down the road – that rarely happens for me.”

“I figured,” She laughed and I playfully pushed her.

“We’re playing a show tomorrow night. You should come and bring your friends.” I said through the nervousness that had pitted itself in my throat.

“Do you have a cell phone?” She asked stopping in the middle of the lawn. I nodded and she held her hand out for it.

“Call me with the info tomorrow.” She said after she put her number in and handed me back my sidekick.

“I will. How are you getting home?” I asked her.

“Emily lives across the street.” Sadler said pointing to the house directly across from us.

“Let me walk you,” I said and I was starting to feel how drunk I was.

“Okay, but I gotta warn you…I don’t put out on a first meeting.” She laughed walking ahead of me.

“That’s cool. I don’t have sex either,” I said catching up to her.

“Never?” She eyed me with a big smile, flirting.

“I…I mean the first time I meet someone too,” I stuttered trying to find the right words.

“Good to know,” She walked closer to me. I took her hand and she didn’t fight it. “It was nice meeting you Gabe. I had fun tonight,” She smiled. I wanted to kiss her badly, but was nervous. She let go of my hand.

“Me too. If you don’t come tomorrow, I’ll be crushed.” I told her. I had diarrhea of the mouth.

“Call me with the details and I’ll see what I can do.”

“I remember I just kept smiling at her and finally she went inside.”

“So! Cute!” Victoria squealed. “Okay, now how did you start dating?” Victoria asked and I just laughed.

“The next day I called her with all the info. I put her and her friend Emily on the list and she said she’d be there. By the time we took the stage, I didn’t see her, though it was really crowded. When we got off the stage we went to the bar and I didn’t see her at all. I just sat and drank. I was totally crushed and I know it’s pathetic because I only knew her like a few hours that point, but there was just something there.”

“Dude, we’re heading out,” Tyler said as he patted my back.

“I’m gonna stay. I’ll get a cab,” I said taking another drink.

“Okay, dude,” He said and they left. The bar was pretty empty too.

“You’re sexy,” I heard behind me and I felt someone sit next to me. I turned my head to look – it was Sadie. I just stared at her.

“You’re supposed to say ‘yes, I am, but I also go by Gabe.’”

“You’re too late. You missed the show,” I said drunkenly.

“No, I didn’t. I left at the last song because Emily was completely wasted and I had to take her home. I came back to see you.”

“What was the last song?”

“Part of the lyrics I heard were ‘pulling out would be twice as hard than to live it all down…bring us down.’ Is that right?”

“I’m sorry.”

“If we’re going to survive we need trust,” She joked.

“I will survive,” I slurred. I downed my next drink. I was completely alone and nervous.

“Can I take you home?” She asked putting her hand on my knee.

“Yeah,” I said and I stumbled out to her car. She put me in and put a seatbelt on me and then got into the driver’s seat.

“I promise I won’t jump any curbs,” She giggled a little as she reversed out of the parking spot.

“Can we listen to Rammstein?” I asked starting to fiddle with her radio.

“I totally forgot it, but I have Outkast,” She said putting in the CD.

“I leave in 2 weeks,” I blurted out.

“Where are you going? And where do you live?”
I gave Sadler my address. “I’m going on tour.”

“That’s awesome,” She said.

“What do you do Sadler?”

“I’m finishing my master’s in higher education. I want to run a first year experience at a college or university. Lame, I know,” She gave me a small smile as she glanced at me.

“How about you Gabe? Is it Gabriel?”

“Gabriel Saporta,” I said looking out the window. I was so nervous.

“Sadler James,” She responded.

“What kind of name is Sadler?”

“It’s my maternal grandmother’s maiden name,”

“It’s pretty. I like it.”

“Thanks. My whole name is just a bunch of last names,” She laughed and shook her head as we stopped at a a light. “Sadler Monroe James, my middle name is my paternal grandmother’s maiden name.”

“I still like it.”

“Do you speak Spanish?”

“I do. I moved here when I was four,” I told her. I watched her intently now; studying her.

“Speak Spanish to me,” She raised and eyebrow at me, if skeptical of my ability to speak fluently in Spanish.

I had to think of something good; something I didn’t have the courage to say in English. “Tu nombre es hermosa y usted está también.” I told her that her name was beautiful and so was she.

“I’m sure you were very complimentary to me.”

“I’m completely wasted. I’m sorry,” I said hiding my face in my hands.

“Why are you sorry?” She asked with a tiny laugh. “What’s the plan for us to get to know each other before you leave?”

“What makes you think I want to get to know you better?” I teased drunkenly.

“Fine. I want to get to know you better. Can I spend the next two weeks doing that?” She asked pulling into my driveway.

“I want to know everything about you,” I slurred.

“Good, let’s get you inside,” She said getting out of the car.

“Victoria- you see me. I never get nervous. I had met my match, she made me so nervous. No one has ever made me feel like that, not even Morgan.” I can’t believe I just admitted that out loud.

“Does Morgan know about Sadler?” Morgan was my current girlfriend.

“Well…she knows she’s my ex. I haven’t told her everything, it’s only been six months. I mean, she doesn’t need to know everything and feel insecure.”

“I get it. Girls, can feel insecure if they know you had a great love before them,” Victoria said picking up her dog Gizmo.

“I never want Morgan to feel second rate. I love her.”

I never wanted Morgan to feel like she wasn’t good enough or I was still hung up on Sadler. I loved Sadie and I will always love her, but she couldn’t handle my nomadic lifestyle and Morgan could. Morgan was great, completely understanding and trusting.

“I want to know the rest. It’s like a rom-com,” Victoria said giddily.

“Sadler helped me out of the car…”

“Okay, tall man, into bed,” She said as she set me on the end of my bed. She took off my shoes.

“Talk to me,” I said and cupped her face as she started to stand up.

“Okay, why don’t you lay back though,” She said guiding me up to lay my head on a pillow. She laid next to me, but kept her distance. We both were on our sides looking at each other.

“I have an obsession with popsicles – original flavors preferred. I love bad pop music. My favorite color is orange and I’m a dog person.” She rambled with a smile. “Oh and I tend to fall guys that are tall and usually musicians.”

“What about tall, Uruguayan dudes that play bass and sing?”

“The jury’s still out on that one. You’re turn.”

“I play bass in a punk band. I’m a vegetarian. My favorite color is purple. And I really like girls that are short, confident and have hazel eyes that change color.”

“I want eyes that change color,” She whispered.

“I was talking about you.” I said reaching over to her to pull her in and try and kiss her, but she just took my hand and kissed it.

“I should go.” She said softly getting up. I had offended her. I panicked. “Call me, I still want to know everything about you,” She smiled as she left. I was too exhausted and drunk to try harder, but relieved she wasn’t turned off by my advances.

“I called her and we hung out almost every day before I left. We were just friends I guess and getting to know each other. She didn’t kiss me and shyed away when I tried. It was crazy. Part of me wanted to just grab her and make out with her and part of me was oddly turned on by it.”

“Why no kissing? It’s totally obvious you both liked each other,” Victoria asked totally stunned.

“She didn’t know what would happen. She also said that she’d rather not know what she was missing if she kissed me, since I was leaving for tour.”

“I don’t think I would have been able to do that. I mean, I totally understand, but come on!” She was up in arms about it.

“The night we were leaving we had a small party at a bar a friend of ours owned. We were leaving at like one in the morning to get to our first stop. It was like 12:10 and Sadie still wasn’t there and I called her cell and she didn’t answer. I called Emily and she had no idea where she was. I was so mad at her. At 12:15 she came into the bar.”

“Hey,” She slurred a little bit.

“Are you drunk?” I asked her angrily. She just stared at me and there were tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry,” She said playing with the ends of my jacket and avoiding all eye contact now. “Can we go talk?” She asked. I took her hand and we went into the kitchen and into my friend’s office.

“I wanted you here tonight. I wanted to spend time with you before I left,” I yelled. “And now I only get like forty minutes!”

“I know…I partially planned it, though I didn’t mean to get drunk,” She started pacing.

“What do you mean you planned it? You wanted to spend as little time with me as possible?” I scoffed.

“I have to tell you something…and if you totally rejected me, I didn’t want there to be too much time for awkwardness,” She was nervous and still pacing.

“Do I even want to know? Can you stop pacing?” I sat on the edge of the desk in the room.

She stopped pacing and stood in front of me across the room. “I don’t know how you feel about me, but I really like you, but you’re leaving. It’s only been 2 weeks, but I don’t know if that’s enough time for you…if I tell you that I’d really like just to be with you,” Tears were running down her face a bit.

“You should know how I feel about you. From day one I was stalking you.” I laughed. She was fidgeting and wiping her face. “It’s been killing me not knowing if you not wanting to let me kiss you meant you didn’t like me. I liked you before we even met,” I told her and I held out my hand for her.

She walked over to me and took my hands and I pulled her into my chest. I just held her.
“I don’t know what I’m signing up for. To be with someone that’ll be gone all the time…but right now…as crazy as it is, I don’t want to be with anyone else,” She broke away from me and started pacing again. She was so cute.

“I don’t want to be with anyone else either,” I told her.

“I went to the bar tonight because I was so nervous. With you going away, I didn’t know what you’d say or if it was just a two-week thing. I can’t handle rejection, but from you would be so terrible,” She had the biggest doe eyes.

“I just walked over to her and kissed her. It was a little rough because I was nervous and it was pent up, but it felt so right. And then one thing leads to another and we ended up having sex in the office.” I laughed.

“That’s like the cutest story ever.” Victoria said excitedly.

“It was…now it’s in the past.” It was.

“You are so in love with her.”

“Not any more. I can’t be.”

“It’s okay to be. “Victoria assured me.

“It’s for the best. I’ve got Morgan and she’s down for everything I’m doing.” I told her and she was.

“I just want to make sure you’re happy.”

I just nodded and she went into the back of the bus and I rolled over on the couch. I wasn’t sure what it was that was going to make me happy. I was happy with Morgan, I was, but my system was in shock with seeing Sadler.