You Should Know

The band took the stage. I still hadn't heard or seen Sadie or Emily. I had been checking my phone all day. I was pathetic. I didn't want to text either of them. I wanted to play it cool, but it was not easy. I was really hoping that Sadler would have wanted to come hang out before the show. But, at this point I was just hoping she would at least come to the show. I did want to see her, but maybe it was better. Better that I didn't see and hang out with Sadler. Could I even just be her friend? Maybe, Sadler was just supposed to be the brief year and a half of my life and that was it.

"We're too young...I hate to love you. The night's gone and you're gone too. But you can't be missed if you never go away...It's the end of a broken heart." I sang as our last song; it was only fitting. It was the first time we had played the song live and as a band.

The lights went out and we all jogged off stage. The rest of the band was going to hang out and then watch Gym Class Heroes' set, but I wanted to change quickly I was a sweaty mess. I headed back to the bus.

Sadler was by the bus, pacing. She had her all access pass I left for her on her shirt and she was playing with it as I approached her. I couldn't help but smile.

"Sorry, I'm a little late...I just didn't know if it was the best, but I couldn't stay away either," Sadie smirked.

"Better late than never," I said and I put my hand on her face and neck. I stroked her cheek with my thumb, like I used to do. I did it out of instinct; I didn't even think about what I was doing. Sadie closed her eyes and tears fell down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry," She sighed. "I know I did it. I know it was me and I know it's a little crazy...but I just can't seem to let you go," She said putting her hand on my wrist that was near her face.

"It's okay," Is all I could muster. "Come and sit on the bus...talk to me while I clean up and change," I said taking my hand off of her face and taking her hand in mine. I pulled her behind me and onto the bus. What was I doing?

"Do you hate me still?" Tears were streaming down her face and she was shaking. I just wanted to scoop her up and hold her and protect her in that moment, but I tried to remind myself to keep my distance. Why did she do this to me?

"Sadler..." I sighed and my impulses took over. I took her in my arms. "I never hated you...did you honestly think I could?" I asked in a hushed tone to try and soothe her. She just nodded into my chest and I smoothed out her hair with one hand and held her tightly with the other

"I'm sorry...I should go," She said abruptly breaking our embrace.

"Stay...I just want catch up," I scrambled to get that out. I didn't want her to leave, but I didn't know what to say to make her stay without seeming too much.

"Do you think that's a good idea considering I've been replaced?" She asked slowly stepping away from as if she were getting ready to run off the bus.

"We're just spending time," I offered, even though it was far from being just that. And I cursed myself for letting myself be in this situation.

"I meant it when I said I want everything for you, but disappointment," Her lip was quivering and she bit it loosely to stop it. She was still crying and I felt awful. I looked around the bus and found a napkin and handed it to her. She smiled in appreciation and wiped her face.

"I know...and me for you."

"You should clean up and change," She said with a forced smile and tear stained cheeks. She was acting like I had forgotten all of her mannerisms, that I wouldn't notice the fact that she was scared and wanted to runaway.

"I'll be right back, okay?"

"I'll make myself at home."

I went into the bathroom and wash my face quickly. What was wrong with me? How was I in this situation? We couldn't be friends; I had already crossed many lines with the way I had touched her. The way I wanted to comfort her. The way I had forgotten about my girlfriend. We definitely could not be friends. How was I going to handle this now that I had opened up that door? This was not good.

"Sad, you remember those 'Gucci' sweatshirt we bought on Canal Street?" I shouted out to her to try and make things less awkward. "Some girl ripped it off me a few days ago. I was like, totally sad – it was my favorite," I rinsed my face and it was silent. I turned off the water. "Sade?" I asked as I stepped out.

She was gone. My heart sank. I shut off the light in the bathroom and took off my shirt as I walked back toward my bunk to get a change of clothes.

"Gabe?" I heard out of nowhere. It was a female voice, but it wasn't Sadie and my body tensed up.

"Morgan?" I asked and spun around. She was at the top of the bus stairs.

"I see you're ready for me," She smiled and put a carry-on sized bag down on the couch.

"What are you doing here?" I asked as I willed my feet to walk toward her. I gave her a kiss.

"I thought I'd surprise you. I missed you," She kissed me again and wrapped her arms around my neck.

I just focused on kissing my beautiful girlfriend hoping that would bring my nerves and my racing mind back to normal. It was actually a blessing that Sadie bolted when she did. Morgan, my girlfriend of six-months, surprise would not have gone as smoothly if she hadn't. I wondered if they had walked past each other, almost like a revolving door. I couldn't get the thought of them almost meeting out of my mind. And what if Morgan had found Sadler on the bus? What would have happened?

Morgan knew vaguely of Sadie, basically her name, that she was my ex-girlfriend, and she destroyed me. But, she didn't know much else. She didn't know the extent to which I still thought about her or that I had written a song on our album about her. Morgan didn't need to know any of that stuff. I was happy despite what my actions may have said for me.

Morgan made me so incredibly happy. She thwarted my thoughts about Sadler when we were together and most times really. My thoughts of Sadler had gotten fewer and fewer until now. I was excited to have that. To have overcome those feelings that plagued me for so long, but that feeling was clearly too good to be true. I had to have her hit me like an 18-wheeler.

"I missed you too," I kissed her again.

"My flight got delayed, but I was supposed to be here for the show. Bummed I missed you guys," She pouted as she hung off of my neck. "How'd it go?"

"It went really well. I'm glad you're here," I said kissing her again. I felt like I had to keep kissing her to convince myself I didn't do anything wrong, which I hadn't.

"I'm only here till you reach the next stop. I'm flying out tomorrow night. I just really wanted to see you," She smiled up at me.

"Such a short period of time! What time is it?" I asked her as I pulled her closer to me.

"Nine fifteen," She said looking at her watch.

"We've got probably fifteen minutes before someone tries to wander back onto this bus," I said kissing her neck.

Morgan pushed me into the back lounge and shut and locked the door behind us. I smiled at her and looked her up and down; she looked so pretty. I was actually really happy to see her and had missed her. I had narrowly missed a huge mess and was thankful. I don't think I wanted those two paths to ever collide or cross. Sadler and Morgan were so different. They definitely had some things in common, but they both represent different places in my life and I didn't want my past colliding with my present at all.

I was trying to be attentive to Morgan, but my mind was racing about what if's. If Morgan knew I had seen Sadler, as in we had randomly bumped into each other on the street, I think she would have been cool with it. But, what if I told I was holding out on her now and that I had seen and been alone with Sadler? I am sure that would have been it; Morgan would dump me so fast.
I felt awful. I should have known better. Sadler just being here and being on the bus was bad, but I held her hand, I was affectionate with her and that was worse. I should not have done any of that. I had to put my past behind me where it belonged. Morgan trusted me, she loved me and that's all I needed. I was happy.

Ryland, the guitarist in my band introduced Morgan and me about seven months ago; she was a friend of his girlfriend and they thought we'd hit it off. Ryland wanted me to finally date someone that could be serious and to get over Sadler. He didn't even know the whole story, really only Victoria did now. Ryland knew she broke my heart and that I hadn't really dated since the breakup. What I had been doing wasn't in the dictionary definition of dating. I was non-committal; just hoping to forget Sadler.

Ryland, his girlfriend Kristen and Morgan met up with me on a day off from press and final album touches for dinner. Morgan was gorgeous. I remember setting eyes on her and immediately being attracted. She was tall, 5'10", with shoulder length light brown hair and really light grey eyes. She had the fullest lips I had ever seen and the cutest dimple ever. Morgan was put together and looked like an adult. I didn't really see myself as an adult. I didn't have that desk job and I could wear whatever I wanted. Morgan wore jeans and a fitted sweater, but they fit her perfectly and she just put out and air of being responsible and together; we were likely not going to click. I was none of that most of the time. I was nervous now. I had to be on point.

Introducing myself and after talking to her I was more at ease. I shouldn't have assumed the worst; she was friends with Ryland and Kristen, should have known she'd be down to earth and funny. She was also passionate about a lot of things and was very vocal about those things.

After dinner, we split up and Morgan and I walked around the city and the time just flew. The sun came up and we were still talking and having a good time. It had been so long since I had a connection with someone like this; since Sadler and I was convinced I'd never have this feeling again.

We took it slow because we were about to go on tour and doing a ton of press and traveling- it was a crazy time. Eventually, we both gave in and said we were dating. She made me happy and kept my mind on track. Morgan had already come out on our press tour for a bit and now on tour and I had nothing to complain about. I loved that she was trying just as much as I was. I made sure to be in constant contact. Morgan was a great girl, but there was always a part of me that would continue to love Sadler and it was not anything against her. I think it's pretty normal, but I still always curse myself for not being able to just let go of the past. I certainly wasn't going to have an easier time with putting the past in the past now though. I needed the space.

"I love 'I miss you' sex," She said kissing my chest.

"Me too. I still miss you..." I said rolling over on top of her. I was back and focused on Morgan.

"I don't think I'm done missing you either."

"I'm surprised no one has come to interrupt us yet," I laughed seeing it was almost 10pm. "Think we can be super quick?" I wiggled my eyebrows at her as I traveled a hand up the back of her thigh to grab her butt.

"It's not me I have to worry about," She laughed. "I'm always up for a challenge," She said kissing me and pulling me into her.

Morgan and I quickly got dressed and walked back into the bus, it was surprisingly still empty and I looked outside. Everyone was with the fans. Fuck.

"Fuck. I should go out there too. I'll be right back," I said kissing her.

"Do your thing."

I walked out of the bus and over to Alex and Victoria. They were signing autographs and taking pictures. I felt awful for leaving them out here and not being part of the team and I had not been fair to the fans.

"Hey everybody!" I shouted excitedly as I got off the bus. I put on a smile as I was rushed by people.

"Hey guys," I said to my bandmates. "I'm sorry."

"My wrists Gabe!" Alex whined giving me shit. I just laughed.

"Get your wrists in better shape, Saurez!" I shouted back to him. He made a lewd gesture with his hands and wrist and I just laughed.

"You're a sweaty mess," Victoria winked at me and smiled devilishly.

"Morgan surprised me," I said and began to autograph stuff too.

"Did you guys enjoy the show?" I asked. Being out here with the fans and with some breathing room my heart started to sink. I had a rush of weird emotions and it was sinking in. Everything really wasn't in the past. Seeing Sadler was definitely a shock to my system and I definitely still had strong feelings for her. Sadler bolting had to mean something too, right? She said she couldn't let me go, but what did that mean? The idea of me? Or did she feel the same? I had such strong feelings, but I needed to forget them. I would likely never see Sadler again unless I sought her out. I was on tour and I was, despite everything I was feeling, really happy with Morgan.

"Did S show up?" Victoria asked in code.

"Yes, she left and probably a good thing because she just missed M."

"That was close. Are you okay?"

"I will be," I sighed. I would be. Victoria hugged my side.

****

"It was so good having you here, Morg. I'm going to miss you," I said kissing Morgan.

"You're a touring machine and amazing. There'll be more surprise visits for sure. Even just to get some sex in," She smiled holding me.

"I feel like you're just using me for the super amazing sex," I scoffed pulling away.

"Well, that's part of it. And the other part is you make me laugh, you're so driven, you're kind, genuine and I love you."

"So, it really is all about the sex!" I grabbed her again and kissed her and when we parted I kissed her nose and forehead. "I love you too. Have a safe trip." I said and she got into the cab that was waiting to take her to the airport, she had to travel for work.

She smiled and waved to me as the cab took off. I was back to normal for the most part. I waved to her as she drove off and smiled.

I had a tiny flashback to when Sadler surprised me on tour one time. I had a chance to actually take her to the airport. In some ways it was scary how Morgan would say things that Sadler would say, but I guess it was obvious that I was drawn to certain types of women. I walked her to the security gate and I didn't want her to leave me.

The trip had been a little rocky. We'd been apart for like two months and it was taking its toll. We fought about so much in the short time she was there. I only had four days with her and most of those days were spent fighting. One fight in particular was blown out of proportion and my fault. All the fights had really been my fault. I just keep trying to pick a fight and I didn't know why.
We all went out after a show and I got drunk. I was just having fun. Sadler was drinking too and we were actually getting along and I was so happy. We had gotten a hotel that night because she was leaving the next day and we had a show only four hours away, so we were going to leave after I dropped Sadler at the airport.

Sadler went to take a shower and I took her cellphone off the night stand. I was going to leave her a note so that she'd find it later and hopefully it would make her smile. I opened her phone and there was a text from Mike, I knew immediately it was ex-boyfriend and I got really jealous seeing his name in her phone. I opened the text against all better judgement. He had texted her that he had done a lot of thinking and was sorry and that he loved her and wanted to try again. I shouldn't have been annoyed with the text like I was. Clearly, she had not been texting with him and I trusted her to shut it down, but I was drunk and wasn't able to be rational. I was mad.

Who the fuck was this guy to be texting her over two years after their break up. Why did Sadler still have his number in her phone? Was she talking to him on the phone? I went and looked at her call history, like a crazy person. No signs of a call to or from Mike. All these thoughts kept going through my head. I was furious.

When Sadler came out of the bathroom I just launched into an angry, drunken tirade.
"I thought you said you haven't talked to your ex since you broke up two years ago," I yelled at her holding up her phone.

"Um...what?" Sadler was startled by my yelling and stepped back toward the bathroom. "I haven't! What are you talking about?" She laughed incredulously.

"He just texted you that he loves you and wants to try again," I said throwing her phone on the ground at her feet. She looked at me in shock.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" She asked angrily as she picked up her phone.

"Me? You tell me the truth," I was so drunk and this fight was not necessary. Thankfully, Sadler was sober. She only had two drinks tonight, she wasn't used to the tour bus and hadn't slept much; she had been too tired to drink a lot tonight.

"I don't know, Gabe. You're the one that read my messages. I haven't talked to him since we broke up. And I don't know who you think you are reading my texts and talking to me the way you are right now –drunk or not!" She calmly, but she was exasperated. I could hear some tears in her voice and I felt instantly awful.

"I was going to leave you a note for you to get later and it was just there. Be honest with me Sadler. I know I am away a lot. Are you cheating on me?"

"I can't believe you just asked me that," She said angrily. I knew she wouldn't cheat on me; I don't know why I even asked. Sadler was loyal to a fault.

"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry," I apologized as I got down on my knees in front of her.

"Gabe, you have to trust me. I love you and only you. Mike's an asshole and I am sure he either meant for something like this or just texted me drunkenly. I have no feelings for him at all...I fall more in love with you every day – even when you're a drunk asshole trying to pick meaningless fights with me. I'm so proud of you," She sighed and cupped my face in her hands.

"Me too. I just saw it and I'm drunk and I overreacted," I apologized and hugged her legs.

"I know, but seriously, we've fought this entire time I've been here. I know there is a lot going on, so I understand we're both on edge, but you can't talk to me this way or go through my phone," Sadler ran her hands through my hair. I was so drunk I could have fallen asleep clutched to her legs and on my knees as I was.

"I could create a million and one scenarios if I really wanted to with you out on the road, but I don't. I trust you...trusted you," She started and hooked her hands under my arms to pull me up. "Get in bed, please," She instructed warmly. She went and threw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt from her suitcase and came back to me.

"I'm sorry...I don't know why I snapped at you. I've never snapped like that before. I have never felt so jealous in my life. Being away from you has made me crazy," I blame the alcohol and lack of sleep, but I started to get teary eyed.

"Stop," She whispered as she sat next to me on the bed and looked me in the eyes. "If you cry, I'll cry," She laughed. "People fight Gabe, it's okay. It's healthy, generally, but you talk to me this way again and I'm gone," She was serious and I straightened up against the headboard of the bed.

"I'm sorry...I love you. I should never talk to you the way I did," The threat of her even ending our relationship, as rocky as it was this trip, made me so sad.

"I love you too, dick," She smirked and then leaned forward and gave me a kiss.

In the morning I was surprisingly awake before Sadler's alarm. I think our fight sobered my up quick. I had a slight hangover, but wasn't too bad. I let Sadler sleep and I went and showered and wanted to look nice for her. I wanted to not look like a piece of shit, dirty nomad like usual. I called for room service as well to surprise her. I wanted to send her off on a good and positive note.

I crawled in next to her in bed. Her alarm would go off in twenty minutes and she looked so peaceful. I just stared at her sleeping face. Her mouth a little agape and her hair all over the place. It had dried a mess and I had missed this. The little things like waking up next to her and her wild hair. We had only been together about a year, but I was crazy about her and so in love with her.

I kissed her jaw and then her neck as she slept. I put my arm around her. She stirred a bit and then slowly opened one eye and looked at me. She closed her eye and I just laughed silently at that action.

"Why are you awake?" She asked without opening her eyes.

"I don't know," I laughed and pulled her into me tighter.

"Can I get five more minutes?" She asked as she rolled over to face me. She slipped her one hand under me and pulled herself close and rested her head on my chest.

"Not if you're going to rub yourself against me like that," I laughed as I felt her grinding against me slightly, all while she still had her eyes closed.

"I am not rubbing myself against you," She kissed my chest and finally opened her eyes.

"Oh, okay...grinding then," I was aroused.

"Sorry," She whispered and stopped. I rolled over onto my back and pulled her with me so she was on top of me.

"Ugh, why do I have to go back?" She asked between kissing me.

"Quit school and your job and runaway with me," I told her as she sat up on my hips.

"Running away with you is not just you. It's you and like ten other dudes. I'm not looking to start leading a polygamist lifestyle just yet," She laughed and pulled her up over her head and tossed It to the side of the bed.

"I'm not willing to share shirt this with anyone," I ran my hands all over her skin and just gawked at her. She was so beautiful.

"Good," She pulled my hands off of her and into her lap and just sighed as she smiled at me. I pulled myself up to kiss her and she snaked her fingers through my hair as I did. I did not want her to leave, but especially without a proper send off.

We got ready and we got a cab so I could drop her off at the airport. I walked with her as far as I could and brought her up to security and my heart was already beginning to sink in my chest.

"I don't know if I tell you enough how proud I am of you," She said running a finger up and down my chest and avoiding looking up at me.

"I think you tell me too much." I said catching her hand and brought her finger up to my mouth to kiss it. "I definitely don't tell you enough how proud I am of you and how much I love you."

"Don't make this harder," She said with tears in her eyes.

"I'm sorry for being an ass and fighting with you. I know partially it was because I was drunk, but I'm pretty sure it's just because I missed you, if that makes sense."

"It makes perfect sense. I'd much rather hate you than love you," She laughed twisting on her feet.

"Call me as soon as you get back. I want to know you made it safely home." I kissed her again.

"I will. Have a great show tonight. Give the boys a kiss for me and tell them I love them. And I love you."

"Love you too."

And she left. I was really depressed after she left. Maybe that was the beginning of the end for us? Maybe my temper and how we fought did more damage than I wanted to think. In that moment, I just missed being away from her, but her being proud of me kept me going. Just like Morgan being proud of me keeps me going now.