You Should Know

7 Months Later

"I just have to make a stop and drop off this merchandise and then we're off." Jake said as we drove into downtown Los Angeles.

"Celebrity endorsements and product placement is the coolest," I teased.

"You know it! Brainwashing all the emo and pop-punk teens into only wearing our stuff is the best," He said excitedly with extreme sarcasm lacing his words. He smiled at me as we drove and I couldn't help but smile back and feel happy.

"Did you call your sister?" I asked as I rested my hand on his leg closest to me.

I've been living in Los Angeles for about five months now. I was asked to assist along with a few other staff members from Brooklyn College with the winter first year student orientation program at UCLA. Apparently, while attending a higher education conference last year the dean at UCLA really loved our program at Brooklyn College. She really wanted to test it out and since their winter enrollment was smaller than their fall, she felt it was the best way to see if it would work and then roll it out from there.

I wore my boss down about letting me assist with this opportunity; I couldn't let the opportunity pass me by. I nagged her for almost two months to find the budget for me to go. Finally, they had found enough money in the budget and said I could go only if it didn't effect me graduating on time. I figured out everything with NYU and I flew out after my last final in December.

This semester I just had to work on my dissertation, which I had already submitted and I had to fly back next week to present. I was nervous about that. I had practiced and I was conifdent in my work, but I was still anxious about it all. But, nothing I could do now, so I was taking this week to try and relax and spend time with my boyfriend.

The first day of orientation I met Jake. He was dropping off his sister for the program. He kept finding me at different sessions and it was flattering and also a little weird, but he was sweet and funny. He found me at the end of the day and asked me out. I should have said "no," but I accepted because he was nice and I really didn't know anyone except my co-workers at that point and I selfishly wanted to have see L.A. from someone who lived in the area.

Jake was the head of sponsorships and endorsement at the company he started with some of his friends, Royal Ending, which was a clothing and accessories company. They designed and manufactured trendy and sporty hats, t-shirts and sweatshirts. His job was to get celebs to wear his clothes and be seen in them and also to broker sponsorships, like sponsoring Warped Tour and being a part of a lot of extreme sport competitions. Jakes was super driven and really loved his job, which was awesome to see and be around.

"Yeah, I talked to Lauren...she's meeting us for dinner tonight," He covered my hand on his leg with his. "She's bummed you're leaving...just as bummed as me, really." He squeezed my hand.

"Well, who knows where I'll end up," I really didn't want to talk or think about having to go back to New York. I didn't intend to meet anyone while here, but Jake happened and we'd figure it out.

Jake pulled up to a non-descript building, which I assumed was the rehearsal space he said he had to drop product off to. Jake got out of the car and pulled out a dolly and then started stacking boxes on it. I watched him work from the rearview mirror.

"Want to come in with me? It might just be a bit?" He asked as he came around to the passenger's side window.

"Sure," I said and got out to follow him.

"Hi, I'm Jake Dozer with Royal End Clothing," He said into the intercom and they buzzed him in.

I pulled the door open for Jake and he walked through pulling his boxes. I followed him into an open space with a receptionist desk. There were a bunch of instruments just laying around and to each side of me were glass studios set up for recording and there were a bunch of people milling about. It reminded me of a rehearsal space Midtown had rented before.

"I'm here to see Alex Sarti," Jake told a security guy, who then paged over his walkie-talkie.

"He'll be right out."

"You're so cool," I teased Jake and he gave me a quick kiss.

"Shit, are those our shirts and hats Alex?" A voice boomed excitedly from behind a man walking in our direction, which must have been Alex. The voice though was distinct and I knew it right away. I slowly crept behind Jake.

"They certainly are," Jake said and then my fears were confirmed, it was Gabe. Maybe he wouldn't notice me.

"Hi Jake, I'm Alex," He introduced himself. "This is Gabe, he's in the band," Alex introduced Gabe too.

"Nice to meet you both," Jake said shaking their hands. "This is my girlfriend Sadler," Jake said turning back to me. Of course he had to be polite and include me.

"Nice to meet you," I said trying to be upbeat and sound like everything was fine. Gabe stared at me open mouthed and in show.

"Here are your hats. They're in sections by band member,"Jake started.

"Sadie?" Gabe he asked as if he couldn't believe the situation either – he interrupted Jake. He shook his head and spun around.

"Hey," I choked out. Jake looked at me puzzled. "Gabe and I went to college together," I panicked. I didn't know what to say.

"It really is a small world," Jake laughed.

"It really is," Gabe smirked.

"How are you?" I asked in an excited way to keep things normal.

"Oh my god so good! It's been so long," He said dramatically. "Let me introduce you to the rest of the band, while your man does business with Alex," Gabe offered.

"Okay...sure. I'll be right back," I told Jake and he just smiled.

"The clothes are really cool," I said as I followed Gabe down a hallway.

"Yeah, they are," He said and then suddenly pulled me into an empty room.

"I thought we were going to meet the band?" The room was empty. I was annoyed, nervous and confused.

"You've already met them. Why did you leave that night?" He asked as he leaned against the wall opposite me.

"You know why. I mean, seriously...we couldn't just be 'hanging' out could we? And that was like seven months ago," I laughed, I had to or I was afraid I'd start crying.

"Yeah, we could have. I had a girlfriend. That's all we could have done. I am not one to cheat, Sadler," He was mad at me and defensive.

"Why are you mad at me? I never said you were a cheater and honestly, I told you how I felt and I just couldn't do it. I wasn't over you...even though I made the decision," I told him trying my best not to come across as annoyed and frustrated as I was. I didn't break eye contact and that was scary, but also felt so powerful.

"Plus, you could have called me if you were that concerned." That hit him. It was true. He could have reached out, but he kept silent. He could not be mad at me.

"I don't know why I'm so mad. Maybe seeing you with someone else? I know..." He digressed and ran his hands through his hair. "I know, I should not care. I'm happy if you are. I just didn't think I'd see you...physically....in the flesh with someone else. You were...you are important to me and you just walked away. I was taking your lead so I didn't call." Gabe was scattered, but being thoughtful about what he was saying to me.

I sighed in frustration. How could he make me so mad and then feel like I wanted to just hug him, even after all this time. It's been almost three years since we had broken up. It was a sick boost to hear that he was a bit jealous seeing me with Jake. It was definitely not a good feeling when he told me he had a new girlfriend when I saw him last, but I thought I had taken it better by just bailing on him. Why did I have to keep running into Gabe? I wanted to move on. I had finally gotten to a point where I could and I was happy; then of course he had to come walking back into my life.

"You were everything to me," I shook my head.

"Do you just cut everything out?" He countered.

"If you think you're dragging it down, yes. Why hurt the person you care the most about?" I asked him flailing my arms a bit in frustration. Why was this turning into this? Would we ever have a normal interaction?

"It's so one-sided. You didn't even ask me!"

"I didn't want us to end tragically," I said going to the opposite end of the room.

"We did though."

"I gotta go. This was three years ago. Why can't we just leave it all in the past and just move on? We clearly cannot be friends or in each others life," I didn't want to get emotional or cry about this. I crossed my arms and started basically running for the door; I couldn't do this. Why wasn't this just water under the bridge? I just wanted to move on. I acted irrationally three years ago and that should be it, but it wasn't.

"I'm not mad. I'm over it. I just wish you hadn't totally cut me out," He said in a softer tone as I got closer to him. He put his hands up and on my shoulders to stop me from leaving.

"Okay," I said looking up at him.

"That's it?" He smirked.

"It's over and done with. I obviously can't take it back, Gabe."

"Fine..." He muttered and turned to leave. I followed. "No, it's not fine. I just need to do this...to know," He said suddenly and spun around. He grabbed my face and kissed me. It felt like old times.

"Gabe," I said out of breath.

"I missed you," He whispered.

"We can't do this, we're over," I said placing my palms on his chest and sort of pushing him away. I can't believe those words came out of my mouth.

"How long are you here?"

"I go back to Brooklyn in five days... I'm just here for work," I explained. I nervously played with the hem of my shorts. "Do you think it's possible for us to be friends and start over?" I asked hesitantly. I was not sticking with my gut in standing firm on the fact that we couldn't be friends.

"Things are way complicated between us...really complicated. But, I don't want to lose you either...I mean, how does someone completely cut out someone that was everything to them?" I stared up at him and wanted to vomit. "This is probably a terrible idea, but call me tomorrow," I could feel my ears getting hot and they were probably red. I got red ears when I was doing something that I shouldn't. Gabe I think recognized the sign and stepped back from me a bit.

"I'm sorry...I should not have kissed you. That was inappropriate. Should we go back out front?" Gabe asked giving me more space. I just nodded and he let me leave first.

We walked back out to the main area and Alex and Jake were just finishing up. Alex handed Gabe a hat and he put it on. Gabe did a little dance and he gave me a smile.

"Looks good, but dancing was never your strong suit," I laughed.

I wanted to be hopeful this was the start of something new and would involve less of living in the past. I felt at ease with him suddenly, like things were going to be okay. Him being ridiculous also helped.

"Thanks again, Alex. Gabe it was nice to meet you," Jake said shaking Alex's hand and then Gabe's.

"Nice to meet you too," Gabe said politely.

Jake put his hand on my back and led me out of the building. It took everything in my body not to look back at Gabe. Part of me wanted to see if he was jealous and part of me just wanted to see his face again. What was wrong with me? This new beginning I had hoped for just five minutes ago for was already a bad idea.

****

"Can you come out and play?" Gabe asked as I answered my phone.

"I didn't think you'd call...but, I'm glad you did," I smiled to myself. I honestly didn't think he was going to be in touch. Part of me really didn't want him to call and part of me was dying for him to call.

"Where are you staying? I'll come get you," He said politely.

"Oh like come out right now?" I laughed. "What will you lose your nerve if you wait?" I teased, but then regretted how it came out.

"Yes," He laughed. "I'll be there in an hour. Where am I picking you up?"

"Oh god. Give me an hour and a half. I have plans at 8 tonight though, so I have to be home by 7..." I had a date with Jake tonight and I did not want to miss that with only so much time left to spend with him.

"I'll have you back in time, promise," He said seriously. "I don't know if you're ready for the massive amount of fun we're going to have," I laughed as I went through my closet for something new to wear.

"Oh, is that so?"

"It's so. What's your address?"

I gave Gabe directions to my address "I'll see you at 11," I glanced at the clock. I had about and hour and ten minutes to get ready.

Gabe came and picked me up and I was second guessing us being friends or trying to be anyway the entire time I was getting ready and waiting. What was I thinking again? Why did Gabe cause me to loos all rational thinking and make poor life choices?

I grabbed a small gift bag I had put together and walked out of the building and down the walkway to his car. The closer I got the more nervous I got. There was a huge pit in my stomach, but I tried to put out confidence so that my mind and body would match at some point.

"Hi," I said getting in the car.

"Hey," He smiled.

"This is for you," I said handing him a little present. A little friendship offering. I had found in my closet and hastily put it into a gift bag I had lying around. He took the tissue out of the bag and pulled out a red sweatshirt.

"You're giving me your sweatshirt?" He was excited and unsure a the same time. I had brought one of my favorite sweatshirts, which was one we had gotten together. It was a fake Gucci sweatshirt we go on Canal Street in New York. I really didn't want to part with it, but giving it to him was two-fold. I wanted him to have the sweatshirt he missed and as a friendly offering, but I was also trying to get rid of all the things I held on to of his and from our relationship in hopes of fully and genuinely moving on. Three years was crazy to still be hung up.

"It's worn in, but I figured it'd fit you. I had it with me."

"Fucking rad," He smiled excitedly.

"Hopefully, some girl won't rip it off you again," I smiled.

"You heard me?"

"I stayed for the story and then I bolted," I laughed. "What are we doing?" I asked changing the subject. I didn't want to reminisce.

"What is your favorite thing to do?" He asked and started to drive.

"That's hard...bowling or going to the movies all day," I had a sick ritual that started in college, usually friends and myself would pay for one movie and sneak into other ones after and spend the day in the theater.

"Damn, I guess it has been a while. I guess I don't know you anymore," He said defeated.

"Why? What did you have planned?"

"Oh, just bowling and then was going to take you to the movies, but you have a curfew," He smiled.

"Yes!" I said excitedly pumping my fists. I had not been bowling in the longest time. "Are you ready for me to maul your face off in bowling?" I asked jokingly.

"I know you're good, but I've been practicing. You may be the one leaving without a face," He winked.

"Not a chance! Plus, do you really want to mess this up?" I asked point to my face and smiled.

"I wouldn't dream of messing that face up," He said sincerely and I definitely was blushing. It was problematic that he still had the ability to make me blush.

We pulled up to the bowling alley and I had a flurry of excitement in my stomach. I was excited to be starting anew with Gabe, excited to go bowling and excited to have a friend in L.A.

We waited at the counter to get our shoes and pay for our games.

"Whoa, put your wallet away," Gabe said pushing down my hands with my wallet in them.

"Let's split it," I offered. This was definitely like old times; always fighting over who was going to pay.

"My treat, I invited you."

"It's not a date. It's okay to split it," I said and slipped my credit card out and over his arm to put toward the cashier.

"It's also okay for a friend to pay for another friend," He took my credit card from my hand and handed the cashier his. "Take this back," He shook his head at me and laughed as he handed me back my card.

"Thank you," I relented.

"You're welcome. Now let's get some balls," Gabe winked and sauntered off ahead of me to look at the selection of bowling balls.

"I don't know if having a blue ball is a good thing," I teased as Gabe displayed his two balls he had selected; a gray and a blue sparkly one.

"One is definitely not good. Two is worse," He scrunched his face as if in pain thinking about it. I just laughed and picked up hot pink ball.

We played three full games and I won every time. I was a little rusty and had a few gutter balls, but was proud of my performance. Gabe really wanted to play three more games in order to see if he could at least win one, if not match my number of wins.

It was really frighteningly easy to fall back into a groove with him. We were high fiving, chest bumping and hugging whenever either of us, but mostly me got a strike. I was able to keep most of my feelings under control and kept it platonic, but I did maybe linger a little too long on a hug or two.

"You were a lot closer to my score than ever before," I said trying to build him up as I put my bowling shoes on the counter.

"I lost to you by one strike in the second game," He was so frustrated. "One strike!" He held up a finger in my face to emphasize he only lost by one strike.

"You still lost all three games," I laughed swatting his finger out of my face.

"Whatever, I was super close and that counts!"

"Thank you for this and for paying..." I said as we walked out of the alley.

"You're welcome. You really have not changed," He rolled his eyes at me dramatically. "I don't know how I didn't murder you always fighting with me over who was going to pay," He pushed me a bit as we walked to his rental car.

"I'm just polite and courteous," I defended playfully pushing him back. "And you just drive to the movies," I commanded. We were going to see one movie at least to cap off the day. I hadn't been to a movie in a long time either, so this was a needed day of adventure.

Gabe opened my car door and I smiled at him and got into the passenger seat. He shut the door once I was in my seat and went to get into the driver's seat.

We drove for a bit in silence. We had talked about a lot while bowling, but mostly about each other's family and friends. Gabe wanted to know about Emily, Meghan, Sean and Mike and I gladly filled him in. I wanted to know about the band and about my Midtown boys and everyone seemed to be doing well. But, there was one topic we didn't discuss and I was nosy. He never mentioned his girlfriend and he didn't ask me one time about Jake, which was a relief and I'm positive he didn't want to discuss his love life with me either, but I had to know.

"You said you had a girlfriend yesterday. What happened?" I asked nervously and turned in my seat to look at him.

"Oh...well," He started. Maybe it was a sore subject and I immediately felt guilty for asking.

"I'm sorry. You don't have to tell me. I was being nosy," I told him and touched his arm lightly.

"No, it's fine. We broke up like two months ago," There was a pain, a hurt in his voice. I was such a nosy asshole for asking and prying. "I asked her to marry me and she said she didn't believe in marriage. I knew she was back and forth about it, but I figured because we loved each other she'd want to say 'yes,' but I was wrong. We tried for a bit, but it really just fell apart after that," He didn't look at me. He stared straight ahead and focused on the road.

"I'm sorry," I really was sorry. I regretted asking now for many reasons. A knife twisted in my heart at the thought of him wanting to marry someone else. He wanted to marry this other girl and he never even mentioned marrying me. We were young then and maybe it was ridiculous to think about getting engaged at twenty-four, but I was jealous that she had the option that I hadn't.

"I have faith that everything will work out just fine for you and your love life," I wanted to be positive for him. I settled back in my seat and faced forward.

"How do you have faith?" He laughed giving me a glance.

"So many reasons. First, you're in a band. For Christ sake look at Meatloaf, Michael Bolton, Flavor Flav, they all get ass because they're musicians, not because they're good looking," I said matter-of-factly.

"Are you saying I am like Michael Bolton?" Gabe asked only slightly offended.

"I'm saying that the ugly guys all got girls and you're a hot guy, so I'm sure the amount of girls that flock to you is insane," I smiled at him. He was very handsome and never had trouble meeting girls. I had experienced it first hand while we were dating and the girls that disregarded my presence while out with him, just to flirt.

"Obviously, I have to beat them off." He said in his best "obviously, duh" voice. We both laughed. This was so nice.

We got to the theater just in time for a good movie. Gabe paid for everything again despite my protests and me threatening the cashier to take my card over his. I jammed cash into Gabe's sweatshirt pocket, but he threw it back at me. He was annoying and sweet to be paying for me. We got some candy and popcorn went into the theater and sat down.

"Gabe," I said in almost a whisper. I don't know what happened to my voice in that moment.

"Yes," He said looking at me as we sat waiting for the movie to start.

"I've wanted to tell you something all day, but don't take it in the 'mom-way,' okay?"

"Okay, mom." He gave me a huge smile.

"If I have not changed, then you really have not changed," I rolld my head back. "I just want you to know that I'm really proud of you. It makes me so happy to see you doing what you love and all the success you've had so far."

"That means everything to me," Gabe clutched his heart and gave me an appreciative look. "aww, mom."

"You're such an asshole," I laughed stealing the popcorn back.

The movie started and I was having such a great time with Gabe. I really missed him and the times we had together. We always had a blast – we were each other's best audience.

Midway through the movie, Gabe put his arm around me – loosely, mostly draping over the back of my chair. I didn't see it as a romantic move, but more of him and his tall frame trying to get comfortable. His hand dangled a bit off the back and onto my shoulder and he absentmindedly tapped his fingertips on it. I hated that this felt completely natural and like we'd never skipped a beat.

I got caught up in the moment and was bold. I wanted to test the boundaries and see what this was. I put a hand on his leg, but I just kept staring straight ahead, as if this gesture meant nothing. What was I doing? I wanted to look at him and see if he had a reaction, but I didn't want to lock eyes with him. If we got caught in an awkward stare, I'd want to kiss him.

I felt his other hand cover and squeeze mine. He held it loosely and stroked the back of it with his hand – it made me smile inside, but I had to pull my hand back; it was too much and it was crossing a line. I had a boyfriend, who I cared a lot about. I felt restless all of a sudden and felt conflicted about the spot I was in, the spot I put myself in and kept testing. I took my hand back slowly.

I finally looked over at him, nervously and slowly, he was staring straight ahead, engulfed in the movie, but had a small smile on his face. I turned back to watch the movie and smiled too.

When the movie ended there was no awkwardness. We walked out like nothing happened.

"I wish you had time for another movie," Gabe said while stretching in the hall.

"I know. I'm sorry," I frowned. "I need to use the bathroom, I'll be back," I said rushing off to the bathroom.

I sat and checked my voicemail as well. I had one from Jake. I immediately felt guilty. I had to stop doing what I was doing. What was wrong with me? Gabe and I were just friends and we were only that. I had to keep repeating it and reminding myself to act that way.

After Jake and I left the rehearsal studio I felt guilty. I hadn't wanted to lie to Jake, but it was a weird and random situation. I needed and wanted to tell Jake about how I actually knew Gabe, even though it was true we met in college.

I told Jake about Gabe and me, the whole story, but without sounding like he was still someone I had feelings for. I didn't want to make Jake feel lacking or doubt me, but I wanted to be truthful about my past. I told him about how we dated and I broke it off because I didn't want to hold him back from reaching his goals. I told him I last saw right before I left to come to Los Angeles and that I missed our friendship the most, which was true. Even though we never were really just friends, he became my best friend.

When Gabe called I told Jake that he wanted to get together and catch up and put all the past behind us. Jake didn't even bat an eye at it. He was totally cool with it all and it was refreshing and amazing. He wanted me to have a good time and hopefully Gabe and I would be able to put all the stuff in the past and move forward as friends.

"Hey, just wanted to make sure you were having a good time and make sure you hadn't killed each other," Jake laughed. "I'll pick you up around 8 for dinner. Talk to you soon." I texted him back that everything was going okay, we were at the movies and there was no bloodshed, yet.

I came out of the bathroom and Gabe was leaned against the side of the entrance wall.

"You good?"

"Yes, thank you," I said and started to walk. I kept my hands in front of me and clasped as we walked so not to get into trouble. "Remember when I surprised you on tour and on a day off we watched all the movies in the theater?" I asked him.

"That was so much fun. Though, my legs were cramped for like days after that." He whined.

"It's not my fault that you're tall," I said matter-of-factly.

"Maybe you should find another favorite thing to do?"

"You don't have to go to the movies with me. I am perfectly fine sitting by myself," I waved him off.

"We just need to go to a theater that has couches or reclining chairs, but I like doing this," He assured me as he walked next to me. He looked unsure on what to do with his hands, like he wanted to hold mine or put his arm around me. I veered a tiny bit more away from him. Trying to be subtle.

Gabe once again opened my door and waited for me to settle in before shutting it and getting in the car himself. I felt a little awkward and it was all me because I was overthinking everything.

"So..." Gabe started. "How long have you been with Jake?" Of course he had to ask. I had been waiting for it.

"Um, I guess officially for five months? I met him at the program when he came with his sister. He asked me out and just clicked I guess. I wasn't looking for anything to happen while out here, but I guess you can't help what happens..." I was rambling and couldn't stop. "So, yeah, we'll see what happens after I leave Monday." Stop talking Sadler.

"Makes me happy to see you happy," He was sincere and it hurt.

"Thanks...I am," The butterflies in my stomach were in my heart now and I didn't want them. "This is you," He said as we pulled up in front of my building.

"This is me..." I trailed. I was feeling uneasy and unsure where things were going to be left as I took off my seatbelt. "I had a really good time. Thanks for everything. I'll talk to you soon?" I was a bit giddy, because I genuinely had a great time and was trying not to over analyze everything.

"Of course and can you please take that money out of the cup holder," He laughed noticing the money I tried to hide in the cup holder between us.

"What? That's your money..." I said trying to hold back a smile.

"Sadler Monroe James! Take back the money -now!" He said giving me the stare down.

"Gabriel Eduardo Saporta! Let me be nice -loser."

"Take your money back, loser," He commanded and I took the money back.

"You're so difficult," I sighed giving him a smile.

"I totally missed you and this," He said shifting in his seat toward me.

"Me too, it felt like old times."

"Like when we first started dating..." He trailed. It felt nice and things seemed like maybe we could just be friends. I am sure the tension would subside eventually.

"Yeah...I should go," I said opening the car door. It was getting a little awkward for me.

"Thanks again."

"Of course, talk to you soon," I said shut the door.

I waved to Gabe and walked into my building. I had the best time I had in a while. I had so much fun catching up with Gabe and being completely stupid. I forgot how much fun we had together.

Jake came around 7:45 and picked me up for dinner. I told him all about my day with Gabe. He was happy that we had a good time together and put everything behind us. I was relieved. It was refreshing to have someone that wasn't like every other guy who would get jealous or upset. We had only be dating for a few months, but he trusted me and I trusted him.

During dinner Jake got several calls in a row, so he went out to take it. He had to go and handle an account because the guy that was supposed to seal the deal quit. He had to fly out in the morning. I was really disappointed that he had to leave and I'd likely not see him before I left.

We went back to his place and I helped him pack. I cried a lot. I wasn't sure what was going to happen with us, but I was hopeful. I really was really glad he wanted to keep seeing each other and wasn't scared by the distance. I was lucky for once he was someone that traveled a lot, especially to New York, so I'd get to see him. I would also make trips and see him in Los Angeles and spend my vacations with him. We also agreed we would wait a year and then talk about our living situation. We would figure out who would move where or if we'd choose a place in the middle, but until then we'd just take it day by day.