Medically Speaking You're Adorable

Bursting through the door of my house, I slammed it shut before bolting up the stairs. I made it to my room in record time, closing the door I sunk onto my bed just sitting there, staring at my blank wall. For a moment my whole mind went empty, I didn’t have a clue what had just happened, I had forgotten it all. But slowly it seeped back into my head and I pinched myself, hoping, wishing I’d wake up realising this was all just a dream.

Sadly I had no such luck.

What had just happened?

I never realised Gerard liked me more than his best friend, sounds like some romance novel, “Gerard falls in love with Frankie years after knowing each other”, this was all sounding a little to cliché to me, hmm but what isn’t cliché this days?

Does he like me more than a best friend though? What if the kiss was some sort of accident and I was over reacting….

I remember once in primary school Gerard didn’t sit with us at lunch, of course being eight and nine years old both Mikey and I decided it was because he didn’t like us anymore and thought up plans of revenge. But it turned out he had an assessment with one of his class mates that needed to be finished. What if this was the same thing, what if I was seeing the kiss in some other way, but what other fucking way could you take it?

What was I meant to say to him?

I don’t think I like him. I’ve never liked someone before it’s just been Mikey, Gerard and I, all best friends. I hadn’t even known that Gerard was gay or bi-sexual, we never talked about anything to do with relationships, it just wasn’t on our agenda, well at least not on mine.

I’ve always seen relationships as a burden, after watching my mum struggle through horrible marriages with both my father and Jake it just didn’t seem worth all the trouble.

I lay in my bed letting the thoughts run through my head, this was one time when I needed to think.

Why did he have to do it? It’s spoiled everything, if he hadn’t kissed me I would be asleep curled up against his chest comfortable, silently adoring him. I wouldn’t be here worrying if our twelve year friendship was over because I didn’t understand, all because he kissed me.

I just didn’t love him, not like that. I couldn’t love him, I would know if I loved someone, I would know if I really loved them.

Then it hit me, would I actually know? I had never been in a relationship, they had never interested me before, so how would I know if I loved someone?

I thought over that, I thought for hours.

I just lay in my bed doing nothing but letting the event, while brief, run circles through my mind. I thought about Gerard, I thought about Mikey, I thought about the kiss and everything in between.

I knew I loved both Mikey and Gerard in a way that I thought had been friendship, but, laying their thinking, I was seeing differences. It was nice that Mikey understood me, it upset me that I couldn’t read Gee. Mikey’s hugs were nice, Gerard’s hugs were home. Mikey was fantastic, Gerard was fantastically beautiful. Mikey was my best friend, but if that’s how I felt for Mikey, what the hell was Gerard?

Oh, I don’t know. All these emotions, feelings were hitting me at once and I didn’t know what to do with them, where to place them or how to take them all in. I felt like my head was going to explode.

It wasn’t pleasant.

I must have fallen asleep sometime during the night, I woke up seeing it was now ten am, I am surprised I didn’t wake up my mother last night, I was pretty loud.

I think I knew what I wanted to do, I needed to speak to Gerard that’s for sure.

Making my way to the bathroom, I showered trying to let the warm water take away my problems, just wash them all away.

It didn’t help, I ended up using all the hot water.

I dressed quickly, trying to towel dry my hair. I looked in the mirror, damn, I looked like shit, it’s probably because I only got five hours sleep. I didn’t care today, I didn’t care about anything except for the drama that occurred last night. It’s all I could think about, it’s all I wanted to think about.

Mum greeted me with a look of surprise as I walked into the kitchen, pouring myself a glass of apple juice, I really loathe orange juice, it’s too tangy and sour for me.

“Weren’t you over at Gerard’s?” Mum said, giving me a questioning look.

“Nah, I’m going over there soon though.”

Mum nodded, packing her bag for work, the only day she gets off is Sunday. I hate it, but, mum doesn’t mind, she loves being a nurse. It really is her dream job, so I’m happy, I guess.

Mum soon left me sitting on the kitchen stool, damn I’m going to have to go over there.

I slowly walked up the front path, standing at the door awkwardly. I was nervous, so fucking nervous.

I knocked, pretty much the first time in years. Mama Donna answered the door.

“Hey Frankie, weren’t you over here before? I swear you were going to sleep the night.” Poor Mama Donna looked confused.

“Oh, I didn’t sleep here but I thought I would come and see Gee now.”

“Yeah that’s fine, but I don’t think he’s up yet, he hasn’t come down stairs, will you wake him for me?”

“Yes, of course Donna.” I tried smiling, but goddamn it was so fucking hard knowing what I was about to do.

Donna left for the kitchen to return to her baking.

Walking up the stairs I greeted Don and made my way for Gerard’s door.

I knocked softly, fucking hell, I’m not sure if I could do this.

No answer, I knock again louder this time, still nothing. I pushed the door open revealing Gerard lying on his bed, eyes fixated on the ceiling above.

“Mum, could you just leave me alone for now.” Gee’s voice came out softly, almost pained.

“Gee, i-it’s m-m-me, I need to talk to you, now.” My voice was shaking, I was so anxious at the moment.

Gerard’s head quickly snapped into my direction, he eyes open wide staring at my own. He started looking frantically around the room, beer bottles easily seen, thrown on the carpet. I felt so guilty, this was all my fault, why did I have to act so immaturely, why did I run?

Gerard’s mouth starting moving, open, close, open, close. It reminded of a fish. He looked down ashamed.

“G-Gee, I’m so sorry, I’ll understand if you don’t w-wa-wanna talk to me.” I let out a choked sob towards the end, making me sound like some angst-ridden 11 year old girl.

Gerard looked back at me, I couldn’t understand why he was looking at me like that, he looked…. confused?

I took this as my queue to leave, turning to open the door, gee let out a squeak.

“You’re sorry, you’re sorry? What the fuck Frank, it was my fault, I kissed you. I was such a fucking idiot to ever think you would like someone so ugly, so repulsive as I am. I’ll always be the best friend, the fucking best friend, probably gone and lost that now since I’m such a bloody fuck-up.” Gerard had tears streaming down his face, hands pulling at his hair, sobs racking his body.

God I hated seeing him like this, I just wanted to hug him, shush him with soft words, just care for him, I just wanted to make him happy again.

That’s it, Mikey may be my best friend, but the difference is, I want to be the one person to make Gerard happy.

Gerard was still sobbing as I sat next to him, this normally would have made me feel extremely awkward. But not only did I need this, I hoped Gerard did to.

I gently placed a kiss upon his lips, it was so innocent, my first real kiss. So soft, so light that it could have been shared by eight year olds and no one would have raised an eyebrow.

But to me, it was heaven.