Pushing My Limits

I pushed the door shut, breathing in the familiar musty smell of my apartment. I took in my surroundings, disgusted at the mess I'd let cluster and sighed. I wished I was back at StarBucks with her.

You don't deserve to have friends, Sonny. That's why she left, can't you see? You're worthless. You're nothing.

I frowned, and leaned my head back against the door. I wasn't in the mood for this.

'I'm not worthless....If I was worthless, why would she have wanted to meet up with me in the first place?'

She felt sorry for you. Aw. Did you actually think somebody cared about you, Sonny?

'She does care about me...' I wanted to fight, I wanted to tell the voice in my head that he was wrong, but I felt myself beginning to believe him, my confidence slowly fading away. 'She does...'

You know I'm right. I know you do. You're fat, you're ugly. You know everybody was staring at you in there? Or were you too busy staring at Kelly? The name was said with disgust, I shuddered. You're pathetic, Moore. And she's just an attention seeker. She wants your story, she wants to post it on a forum, she wants to let the world how pathetic you really are.

"No!" I screamed out loud, clamping my hands down over my ears. "She's not! You're wrong!" I squeezed my eyes tight shut, and held my breath, waiting for him to stop. Kelly was going to help me, she was going to help me get better, like I hoped she would.

She hates you, Don't you see? She won't help you. She's a liar, she's a useless, terrible, untrustworthy liar.

"Shut up! Shut up!" I grabbed at my hair, winding the black strands around my hand and pulling down hard. I winced at the pain, but the voice was in my head, he was in my head and he needed to go. I yanked at my hair, until my arms got too weak to hold themselves up anymore. My scalp was burning, but the voice was still there, teasing me, taunting me, mocking me.

"Leave me alone!" The tears that ran down my face were not only from pain, but from apathy. I knew what it was saying was true, that's what made it so unbearable.

Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. He repeated the word over and over again, seemingly jumping around in my head. The sound came from behind my left ear, then jumped to the back, so it was quiet, then to the front of my pounding head, laughing cruelly and then suddenly right in my ear, loudly, shouting.

"Please..." The tears fell from my face and landed on the dirty carpet, I sqeezed my eyes shut tight. I just wanted to disspear.

Sonny? He was quiet, suddenly he sounded concerned. I wanted him to leave me alone, I wanted him to get out of my head.

"What?" My voice was a whisper now, almost matching his.

You're fat! The voice was laughing hysterically. I didn't reply as the tears ran down my face faster, everything was distorted now; blurred.

"I know I am," I cried, pulling my head away from the door, only to slam it back again. "Get out of my head, get out!"

Do you need to be sick, Sonny? I think you need to be sick. I think you need to lose some of those big fat calories that are about to settle in your stomach, about to produce another layer of fat on your bloated stomach. Think of them, Sonny. Think of how even more disgusting you're going to be if you let them stay. I think you need to be sick, Don't you?

"I need to be sick." I pushed myself away from the door, trying to make my way to the bathroom through the tears. I felt the bile rising in my throat, I didn't need to use my fingers today. Just the thought of it, I needed to let it out. I didn't bother holding my hair out of the way, i didn't like it anyway.

I started to feel dizzy from lack of food, I put my hand on the wall to steady myself, and took the time to question what I was doing. I didn't like being told what to do, in fact, I hated it. So why was I listening to the voice in my head?

It's because you know I'm right. You know that I just want to make you better...

"Make me better." I nodded. "That's all you want to do."

See, Sonny? Isn't it better when we understand each other?

"Much better," I agreed. "Better, better, better."

Better. The word circled round my head, and I continued to say it until it lost it's meaning. Better. Good, he's going to help us. It's better.

"Better!" I started to giggle, "It's better, so much better."

I let my knees collapse, and slid down the wall. I clutched my ribs as my giggles became laughter.

"Better!" The word rolled off my tongue, but the meaning had been lost. I liked the word, it sounded nice, sounded fresh. My laughter become hysterical, and I fell to the floor, unable to keep my balance. I rolled around on the bathroom floor, eyes streaming - but this time with laughter.

"Better!" I yelled. "He's making me better!"

I felt something vibrate in my pocket, I stopped laughing. My eyes widening more as the seconds ticked on. I pulled it out of the tight pocket, and lifted it to eye level, wondering who was calling me.

Kelly.

She's a liar, Sonny! Remember, I told you! She's lying, you're better off without her.

I placed my phone inside the medicine cabinet and shut the door, leaving it vibrating on the shelf. I walked out of the bathroom, with a small smile on my face.

"Better," I agreed. "So much better."