Pushing My Limits

Ring. Ring, ring. Ring, ring ring.

"Please pick up," I whispered, cradling my phone to my ear. I was still sitting in the corner of my room, and I had been all night. My back ached from the curled position, and my legs were numb from my wooden floor.

Ring, ring. Ring ri-

"Hello?" My voice instantly more alert than it was a minute ago, and I prepared myself to hear a voice. Except it wasn't the voice I was expecting.

You have reached T-Mobile answerphone, the owner of the phone is either busy or cannot get to the phone right now. Please leave a message after the tone.

"No!" I screamed, and chucked my phone across the room with all the energy I could muster from my sleepless night. My phone hit the wall and bounced off, skidding across the floor yet weirdly still in one piece, though the plastic was probably cracked.

I rested my head on my knees, wishing I could cry, just to let some emotion out. It felt like it was trapped inside of me, pushing at my insides, gripping my mind. But alas, my body wouldn't let me. After a night of full-out sobbing, I had run out of tears.

A gentle wind blew through my open window, and engulfed me in it's breeze, making me shudder and try to pull my knees closer to my chest. I winced in pain as the cuts on my stomach stretched, the pain shooting up my body. I ran one of my hands along it gently, feeling the dried blood crumble beneath my fingertips.

Disgusting. My mind spat at me, Disgusting, that's what you are.

I nodded in agreement, my glassy staring at the birds that landed on my window sill. I watched how they socialised with each other, how they jumped around each other with ease. I listened to their song, and watched one of them jump up and soar out of view, coming back only moments later with a worm in it's beak, offering it to his partner.

I envied the security that these birds had, I envied the fact that they didn't have to pretend to be someone else to be liked. They just had to be good at catching worms. Birds didn't have any worries, a few cats or foxes but hell, only the stupid or injured ones got eaten. The one's that didn't fly off in time.

"Yup." I mumbled, "Disgusting, that's me."

Something inside of me made me snap back to reality, and I looked down. My stomach was all scrunched up in the position I was sitting, and formed rolls of fat, that bulged over my trousers. I instantly felt sick, my stomach churning.

Get to the bathroom, idiot!

I dragged myself up from my sitting position, groaning from the shooting pains in my back and stomach and covered my mouth as I felt the bile rise up my throat.

I tried to walk into the bathroom but my legs refused. It seemed like a weight had been tied to each of them, and I couldn't lift them.

Move! I instructed in my head, worried of opening my mouth in case I was sick. I managed to lift one and took advantage, starting to run out of the room to get to the toilet. My legs caught up with me and a sharp pain ran through them, another stabbing feeling every time I put weight on them. I stumbled against the bathroom door, collapsing into the bathroom. My knees hit the floor with a thud and I lent over the toilet, wretching and screwed my eyes shut tight so I wouldn't have to see anything.

"Stupid body," I cursed, rinsing my mouth out with the blue mouth wash that tasted like spear mint. A sudden worry swept through my body, before the voice in my head kicked in again.

It's okay Sonny, remember? There are no calories in mouthwash.

I nodded to myself, and dragged my numbing feet back into my bedroom, standing in front of the mirror to see if the latest puke-session had made me lose anymore weight.

I stood front on, and examined every inch of my body. Just as scrutinising as yesterday, except today was worse. Today my eyes were red and swollen, my hair matted and my stomach red and crusty with dried blood.

I turned side on and measured the fat with my hands, trying to figure out what I'd have to do to get rid of it.

Gym! I thought suddenly, I could go to the gym to lose weight.

Are you insane?! You want everyone to stare at you when you work out. You want everyone to see your fat bounce as you run? I don't think so, somehow.

"Well then," I spoke, the bitterness of my thoughts reflected in my voice. "I'll bring the gym to me."

I pulled my laptop out, and sat down on the floor with it on my lap. Why the floor? I asked myself, It's not as if it's comfy.

You don't deserve anywhere but the floor. You don't even deserve this flat. You should be homeless.

I tried to ignore the nagging, and opened the internet. I browsed about ten different websites for exercise equipment and I didn't even stop to look at the price. I read the reviews, trying to find out which ones were best for losing weight.

I ended up ordering about seven different types of equipment. I wasn't sure what some of them were, but decided I'd figure it out. Anything that helps you lose weight must be good.

I know my weight isn't the only thing wrong with me, but it's a start. I'm taking it one step at a time.

The Aphex Twins blasted out from somewhere, and my head whipped round in search of whatever had broken the silence. I looked at my computor, but itunes hadn't turned itself on, my head turned to my stereo which was unplugged and switched off. My T.V was switched off, but yet there was nothing else electrical in my room.

My eyes wandered the room, until I found the culprit. My phone lay in the middle of the floor, vibrating and dancing it's way around in a rhythmless pattern. I lunged forward to grab it, and checked the caller I.D before answering.

"Kelly?" I whispered, my voice hoarse.

"Is this Sonny Moore?" She asked, and I scrunched my eyes up in protest.

"I don't know who I am anymore!" I pulled my knees up to my chest again, and pushed my phone closer to my ear, enjoying hearing the voice of someone who wasn't judging me.

"Are you okay, Sonny?" Her voice was laced with concern, and I tried to imagine what she would be doing as she spoke, but my mind had already blurred my memory of her.

"Do I sound okay?"

"Meet me at Starbucks. In an hour, we can talk." She more told me than asked. I nodded sub-conciously before realising she couldn't see me.

"Starbucks, one hour." I muttered in response, not knowing what else to say, I went to hang up the phone before I heard her voice and quickly pulled it back to my ear.

"And please don't do anything stupid."