Pushing My Limits

I pushed the door open to Starbucks, hearing the familiar swish as it rubbed against the wooden floor. I hugged my jumper closer to my body, and didn't let my eyes meet anybody else's. I could feel them all watch me as I approached the counter, the laughter that scorned me echoing in my head.

I'd spent 45 minutes debating with myself. To go or not to go, that was the question. I couldn't bear to know that everyone was looking at me, laughing at me, mocking me in their harsh tones; whispering to their friends that they thought I was hot with sarcasm dripping from every syllable. I couldn't bear to go out knowing that everybody could see how fat I'd become, how I'd gotten uglier with age, how I'd left my hair to grow greasy and tangled over the few days I'd been home - no stylists here to shout at me.

But then, I wanted to see her again. The girl that had made me forget that last night of tour, the one that had made me smile by telling me something that should have annoyed me; would have annoyed me if it was anybody else. The girl that I knew I could talk to, that I felt I could trust without my secrets being spread all over the internet.

Maybe I'm wrong. I normally am. But I can always deny the rumors, right? It's my word against hers.

"What would you like, sir?"

I jumped as the girl in front of me waited impatiently for my answer. Her manicured finger was tapping the counter, and her body language stiff. I let my eyes scan the menu that I'd seen so many times before, the menu that I could probably recite, word for word.

"I'll have a tall cappuccino please."

What are you thinking? Do you even know how many calories are in a single cappuccino. You're an idiot! Take it back! Get rid of it!

My stomach turned, and I suddenly felt like I was going to be sick. I grabbed at the counter, my hand making a loud thwack on the marble top, making the girl spin around quickly.

"I'm sorry, Can I have a water instead?"

She sighed, her eyebrows furrowing in annoyance. She lifted the cup and placed it in front of me. Those manicured fingers pressed tightly against the side, making an almost unnoticable dent in the material. I could faintly hear her shoe tapping over the murmers of everybody else in the room.

"I've already made it now!" Her voice was sharp, irritated. "I'm going to have to charge you."

"Okay, it's fine." I mumbled, I hated the fact she was making such a scene over me changing my order. "I'll pay for both."

I felt a presence at my side, the warmth of another person pressed against the arm that was resting on the counter. I withdrew it quickly, suprised.

"Don't worry, I'll take the cappuccino."

"Kelly." My voice was quiet, and matter-of-fact. My gaze moved up from the counter, her purple and black vans were peeking out from the bottom of her musky-blue flared jeans that got tighter as they moved up her leg, a studded belt hung loosely around her hips, showing off her slender figure. She wore a purple tank top, that fit her perfectly, hugging all the right places. I allowed a smile to grace my lips as I met her eyes; her hair was tied back messily, and her face showed no sign of make up other than a slight smudge of eyeliner around her vibrant green eyes. She didn't need it.

"How are you feeling?" As if it wasn't written across my face. In a way, home brought out the worst in me...I didn't feel like I had to fake it, there were no false pretenses, but at the same time, I couldn't hide the things I wanted to. It's as if as soon as I cross the border into California, my mind pulls down the sheild and let's the emotions through, plain and easy for everyone to see. I ignored her question and turned back to the cashier.

"That's $5.20 please," I dug through my pockets and pushed the money into her hand, grabbing the bottle of water before stepping out of the line and scanning the room for a spare table. Kelly touched my arm and I flinched at the contact, not wanting anybody, least of all her, to touch my skin, to feel how fat I really was. She didn't seem to notice, or if she did, there was no evidence of it on her face, which I was grateful for - I'd had enough of feeling like a nutcase.

"There's one." She lifted her hand that was carrying the hot container and motioned it towards a table at the far end of the room, smiling quickly at me before starting to weave between seats.

I sighed and followed her, trying to blend myself in with everyone surrounding me, trying to be inconspicious...To at least look normal.

I placed the bottle of water on the table and dropped into the seat opposite her. For a long time we didn't say anything, we just sat there in a silence. It wasn't an awkward silence, but at the same time it wasn't a comfortable silence. It didn't leave me gagging to run out of the shop and back to the safety of my own home, because at least here i was safely out of the view of mirrors. I couldn't see myself; and thereefore, for the short time when I was out, I could pretend that I was normal, that I fit in.

My eyes were fixed on my water bottle, to anybody passing it would have looked as if i was reading the label, but both Kelly and I knew that I was just avoiding not only hers, but everybody in the room's gaze. I could feel her studying my face, and again I wondered how she knew, I wondered what I was doing there. She was a fan. A fan that made an assumption and got it right.

That wasn't true, and I knew it. However many times I tried to tell myself, I knew she was different. I knew that she must have something special about her to know, to have seen beyond my superficial smiles, my barriers.

"You came then."

Her voice was quiet and it was suprised, but it held no other judgement. I couldn't detect any sense of disgust or mock in her voice. I nodded slowly, and grabbed my bottle of water despite the fact that my stomach lurched at the thought of drinking any. I gently passed it between my hands as I thought about my answer.

"How did you know which Starbucks?" The words that escaped my lips suprised me, but as I waited for her answer, I realised that the same question had been playing on my mind all day, trying to think of possible answers.

She was a stalker? No, she didn't seem like the stalker-ish type. She was too sensible for that, too...I don't know, but she wasn't a stalker. I could feel it in my bones; she wouldn't disrespect anybodys privacy for her own sick mind games.

She was a spy, a detective? She was too young for that, and who would want to know about me anyway. She wouldn't have just picked me off the streets.

She worked here? No. I'd know if she had ever served me. I'd remember the way her hair fell over her face, the way her bright eyes seemed full of hope.

I was out of solutions.

"I come here a lot," She paused and her eyes flicked over to a table on the other side of the room. "I sit over there. I normally come to complete an assignment or read or just...escape reality."

"Me too."

"I know." My eyes looked up at her in suprise. Maybe I was wrong, maybe she was a stalker after all. "I see you sometimes. I don't follow you or anything, you just catch my attention, knock me out of one of my numerous daydreams...I don't know." She shrugged. "I live a couple of blocks away, and the costa coffee nearer to my house makes coffee that tastes like cardboard."

"Stabucks," I let out a dry laugh, "Expensive, but tasty."

"Damn straight." She grinned, and sipped her cappuccino. "I may have to add some sugar."

I put down the water bottle and unscrewed the blue cap, twisting it around and around until it was almost off and then tightening it again. Twist, tighten. Twist, tighten. It started to hurt the palm of my hand after a while.

"Aren't you going to ask me?" I ignored the stray piece of hair that fell into my face.

"Ask you what?" She took another sip of her coffee before sighing in satisfaction. "That's much better."

"If I'm alright. Why I'm like this. I dunno, whatever you're thinking right now, I know you want to ask me something." I sighed, "Don't you want to just snap your fingers and fix me?"

"Nope."

The scratching sound of the cap stopped as I looked up at her.

"What?"

"I'm not going to ask you any personal questions because it's not my place. I want to be your friend and I want to be there for you if you want someone to lean on. I'm here if you want to confide in me but in the mean time I'm just going to work on being your friend,"

"Kelly?"

"That's my name," She smirked, waiting for me to reply.

"That means a lot to me. Thank you."