Wreckage From the Past Haunts Me; Shakes Me to the Bone

The chilly air nipped at my skin as I stared out at the still darkened sky a head of me, on my left sat my older brother, who was deep in thought. Probably about whatever he wanted to talk to me about at four o’clock in the morning. We have been sitting here for about an hour, making it around five now, and he has yet to say one word to me the whole time. I’m sure I know what he wants to talk about his probably just doesn’t know how to word it. I watched the sun rise over the ocean, making the colors pop and seem much brighter, however the air turned colder making me shiver. I felt an arm wrap around my shoulders making me smile. I leaned into the warm embrace my brother was providing and looked up at his face, trying to figure out what was wrong. His normally light hazel eyes were now dark with confusion and frustration. The dimpled smile was replaced with a dark grimace. He opened his mouth, like he was getting ready to ask me those words I will lead me into a story he wants to know, he just couldn’t seem to get the words out. He closed his mouth and shook his head, probably mad at himself for not being able to ask. He’s always been such a straightforward person.

“You want to know what happened.” I said as I sat up.

“Yes.” He said as he looked me in the eye, “I want to see every scar. I want to know everything. Even if there isn’t a scar for it.”

“Lots of things happened. For a long time I felt like everything he said I was. Stupid, fat, ugly. I believed that I wasn’t even good enough to live, but then you kept telling me how much you love me and how much me and Tegan mean to you. Jimmy kept asking me to help him with stuff and always telling me that I was his best friend. All of you guys would tell me what I needed to hear to make me break that thought. You guys are what kept me going. I think Jimmy knew, but at the same time he didn’t if that makes sense. He tried to rape me, but I was always strong enough to hold him off. He tried to kill me, but I always ran to Jimmy or Tegan. Tegan I would tell the truth since she was in the same position I was, but Jimmy . . . I told him I got jumped. Brandon always beat me, but hardly ever left a mark where it would be spotted easily. He tried to make me have a miscarriage by throwing me down the stairs and even trying to push me out of a car while he was still driving. He made me sleep on the floor like I was some dog. Some nights he even made me sleep outside. He burned all of my clothes on time. Like I said, there’s lots of things and half of the time he was sober.”

I looked over at Matt to see his eyes had become darker, the grimace deeper and more painful. My brother’s face was contorted into a look of sever pain. It looked like he was trying to block out images. I set my hand on his arm, breaking him out of his thoughts. He looked over at me and swallowed hard, tears brimming his eyes adding to his haunted expression. My heart sank at the sight. The last time I had seen him cry was when mom passed away. He wiped his eyes on his sweater before looking over at me and running his thumb under my eyes. I hadn’t even noticed I had been crying.

“Can I see the scars?” He asked. I nodded and pulled up the bottom of my top exposing my hip.

“This is my favorite one.” I said laughing at the imprinted ‘6661', “One day he came home and wanted me to change my clothes. He said I wasn’t showing enough skin. I told him I wasn’t going to change because I was pregnant and didn’t want to show a lot of skin, but he got pissed and punched me so his class ring imprinted, but that’s all that scared. The long one on my chest is because the bikini top I was wearing showed too much skin. The four on my arm right here are from his nails. I don’t even remember what I did wrong that time, but I guess it was something bad. The ones on my back are because I wouldn’t make him pancakes at three in the morning. He threw me down the stairs and I hit a beer bottle that he had broken when I rolled into the kitchen.”

I stopped and pulled off my sweat pants, thankful that my shirt was long enough to cover my underwear, to reveal a few more scars that you probably wouldn’t notice unless you looked carefully, “These ones on my thigh are because I wouldn’t sleep with him. He broke a beer bottle on the night stand and dragged it down my leg. The one on my knee is from a knife. We went to dinner and he wanted me to order a salad, but I didn’t so he cut my knee.” I finished, well kind of.

“I know about the rest of them, but three. The one around your wrist. The one around your ankle and the one on your side.” He said as his hands tighten his grip on my shoulder. He could tell I didn’t want to say anything about them. I didn’t even want to acknowledge that they were even there.

“What happened sis?”

“I don’t want to talk about them.” I said as I closed my eyes tightly, trying to force the memories out of my mind. I could feel the tears start to build up at the rims of my eyes, but I wouldn’t let them fall. I would not cry over that selfish ass! I would not cry over the past.

“Sis I know I’m being selfish, but I have to know. I can’t get it out of my mind lately. Just the thought of that night replays over and over again. I have to know what happened. I let it go for so long, but it’s just eating me away now. I have to know why you didn’t tell me. You’re my baby sister. Tegan’s told me everything, but you haven’t. That makes me think that you had it worse then she did and I can’t bring myself to just drop it. Sis please. I’m begging you. Tell me what happened. I’m sorry I’m pushing you. I should just drop it, but I can’t. I just can’t.” He explained in a rushed tone of voice. I could by the way he was talking that he really was sorry. Sadly I knew I wasn’t getting out of this either. If something is eating away at Matt, he’ll do anything to get it off his mind.

“I didn’t tell you because I thought you would be disappointed with me. I thought you would be pissed and hate me.” I explained, the tears finally falling. I tried to wipe them as fast as they were coming out, but there was no use. The reason I never told him was out and he was going to confirm my worse fears. I set my head in my hands, feeling my body already start to shake. The memories were still haunting my closed eyes, like a horror movie stuck on repeat. I felt my brother pick me up and set me on his lap, pulling me closer to him. I looked up to see his face held a hurt and confused expression.

“I would never be disappointed in you. Sure you made bad choice, but who doesn’t. It was just a mistake. I could never hate you baby girl. If I wasn’t mad at Tegan why would I be mad at you?”

Those thirteen words are what broke me down even worse. I got up, pushing him away from me and started walking away. I couldn’t face him when he found out. I could hear him calling for me as I walked away. His foot steps matching mine as he stalked after me. I couldn’t take it. I broke out into a run, wanting nothing more then to get away from him. I screamed as I felt his arm wrap around me and pull me back into his chest. I struggled against his chest, trying to get out of his grasp, but it wasn’t working. His hold was too tight. He started running a hand through my hair trying to calm me down. I was shaking in his arms, scared of his anger after he found out that our sister was hurt because of me. I was shaking because I hated myself for ever setting her up with that monster. He was whispering calming words into my ear, the same words that he whispered when I was younger and got in trouble, but this was so much worse then just getting caught with my hand in the cookie jar. He knew that I felt guilty.

“Baby girl calm down and talk to me.” He said as he rocked me back and forth, trying to calm me down by himself since I hadn’t brought my purse with me so my medicine was at home.

“It’s my fault she was hurt Mattie. I thought Todd was a good guy. He always helped me when Brandon would hit me. I never thought she was be hurt. I’m so sorry.” I managed to get out through my sobbing. I just kept repeating that I was sorry.

“Oh god baby girl. None of this was your fault. I swear. He was just a manipulative person. You didn’t know that was going to happen. It’s not your fault.” He tried to reassure me as his lager hand ran through my hair. My sobbing slowly started to decrease.

“Do you want to lie down?” He asked knowing that I would want nothing more then to lay down with my older brother. He laid back with his back on the sand and my head on his chest. Silent tears ran down my face, but I never made a sound. I just let them run, not even bothering to wipe my eyes. Matt’s hand never stopped rubbing my back the whole time I was laying there. I kept debating whether I should tell him or not. On the bright side it would be nice to finally get it off my chest, but on the darker side it would make every thing become real. I’ve tried so hard to keep it programed in my mind that it was all some sick dream that he had somehow managed to make me believe. On the bright side of the darker, my older brother was here and he could make everything go away. He could tell Jimmy what I finally couldn’t. The brighter side out weighed the dark. Sadly I had to bring up the part of my past I didn’t ever want to think about again and I knew it was going to hurt.

“The scar on my ankle...he cuffed my leg to the head bored in the guest room. I spent the night at your house on your birthday a few years ago and he was actually home that night. He had made me dinner and ran a warm bubble bath and everything, but since I didn’t come home he thought I was cheating on him. He left me in there for two weeks with barely any food or water.” I explained as I closed my eyes tightly. The dark room haunting my mind. The blood that was smeared on the sheet that was from the large wound around my ankle. I lost so much weight in those two weeks. My natural tan skin went white as a ghost.

“The two weeks he said you guys were at his parents house up North. He said something to the effect of it was an emergency, his mom was sick. I knew something was off, but everyone told me it was just the protective side of me. ”

“His parents are dead and have been since he was 15. He made me tell you guys that I had caught something when we were over there and that’s why I was so pale. The one around my wrist is basically from the same thing, but he cuffed me to his car when we were in Vegas. I kept trying to pull my arm through the cuff since it was a little loose, but it wouldn’t fit. He made sure of that when he slammed my hand in the car door on his way out. He left me there all night. Out where the freaks could easily screw with me and I couldn’t fend them off. A cop came by and uncuffed me and took me to the hospital. I filed a report with them and they held him in custody for 48 hours which was more then enough time to get out of the state, but I was stupid and took his car. He had Todd track me down and Todd kept me in the basement at his house. Tegan didn’t even know.” I said, noticing my voice had went from emotional to monotone. It was flat and held no emotion, but inside I could feel my chest both tightening and becoming looser. My heart was both light and heavy, and my mind was both clouded and clear all at the same time.

“One more. Thank you so much for this.” Matt said as he kissed my forehead.

“The huge scar on my side is the one that bothers me the most. I had an old fashion microphone with your name out in the cord and it was like plugged into a bass that had Tegan’s name on the fret board. He didn’t like it, saying something like I had branded myself and that if anyone’s name had been on me it was his. One night when I was asleep on the couch and he decided to get rid of it so he held a burning hot pan to my side while he had Todd hold me down. The whole house smelled like burning flesh. The burn was horrible for a long time, but after a while I could stand it and not want to gag at the sight of it. Then when I got into the car accident it seemed like the best excuse ever. It fit perfectly. The fire next to me could have easily caused it. Then I was able to get a skin graph and you can barely see it now. Even Tegan believed it and after a while I did too. I got the pin up girl to cover what little you could see. God Matt I’m so stupid for ever believing that he loved me. He didn’t. He loved the idea of me being a play toy, someone to cook and clean and be his own personal slave.” I said as I sat up and started playing with the sand at my feet.

“You’re not stupid. You were blind, but the point is, is that you can see it now and you have the most perfect family ever. You have a beautiful daughter that loves you. A baby boy that is probably bouncing on Jimmy’s bed trying to get him up since he learned how to get out of his crib.”

“What do you mean he learned how to get out of his crib?” I asked cutting him off. He started laughing showing me his dimpled smile.

“When I went in to wake you up, he was at the foot of your bed playing with Jimmy’s drumsticks.”

“Nice of you to tell me this!” I said as I pushed him.

“Anyways, as I was saying. You have an amazing boyfriend who is the best friend anyone could have. Your sister is right down the street and you guys have the best bond in the world. You have the guys, who would die for you in a second. The girls have been around since high school and haven’t ran in terror yet so I’d say they’re here to stay. Plus you’ve got me for a big brother so what else could you possibly ask for?”

“A brother with a smaller ego?” I asked as I smirked. He stopped smiling and looked over at me before smirking. I gulped before jumping off of his lap to run, but I wasn’t quick enough. He threw me back and started tickling my sides making me scream.

“Say I’m the best brother ever!”

“Never!” I screamed back as I squirmed trying to get out of his grasp.

“Say it and I’ll stop.” He said laughing as he continued to tickle me.

“Fine!” I screamed, “You’re the best brother ever!”

“Thank you! Was that so hard?” He asked as he sat back in the sand. We both calmed down, still laughing slightly and smiled at each other. The air no longer held the tension it once did, but instead reeked of happiness as weird as it sounds. I started laughing even harder making Matt look at me like I was insane. I just couldn’t help it. I felt better then I ever had.

“Are you ok?” He asked as he bent down to where I was laying on the ground.

“I just couldn’t help it. Matt I feel like I used to. Thank you!” I yelled as I tackled him. He laughed as he fell back into the sand.

“Anything for my little sis. Now how about we go and wake up Misfit? The three of us can go out for breakfast?” He asked as he stood up, pulling me up with him as well and walking over to the car.

“Sounds good. I think I still have some clothes over there so I can get dressed.” I said as I opened the passenger side and climbed in. I looked at the clock to see it was now seven. Tegan was going to kill us. When we arrived at Zacky’s house we quietly got out of the car and into the house. We crept into Zacky’s bedroom where Tegan and Zacky where laying asleep. Tegan’s head was laying on the pillow and Zacky’s head was next to hers with his arm thrown over her back.

“They look so cute. Kind of makes me sad that I’m about to do this.” I said.

“What ar eyou going to do?”

“You’ll see. Tegan wake up I have Tacos!” I yelled. She quickly sat up and looked over at my hands.

“You’re a bitch! You lied! You have no tacos!” She threw her self back and laid back down, falling back to sleep. I glared at her sleeping form before coming up with a thought. I jump up on the bed and started yelling, “Mommy! Daddy! I had a nightmare! The incredible hulk was trying to eat me. Oh no there he is!”

“Oh shut the hell up!” Matt yelled as he tried to tackle me, but I moved so he landed on Zacky. I laughed and ran down the stairs as fast as possible. I opened the closet door as I ran by making Matt run into it. I laughed as I heard the thud and then light groan. Most people would go back and make sure he’s ok, but I’ve been doing that to him for years so I know he’s ok. I ran into the garage and slid under Zacky’s SUV. Matt ran in and went over to the tool section. I couldn’t see what he was doing, but I had a feeling it was not going to be good for me. I crawled out after I heard the door shut and eased my way inside, looking out for Matt. Zacky and Tegan were not walking down the stairs, Zacky was still just in boxers, but Tegan was now dressed in a Rock ‘N Roll v neck shirt with a vest over it. Her favorite pins, an Avenged Sevenfold and a Misfit, pinned on it. Her grey jeans going all the way down to her Four Horseman converse.

“So why did you wake up us at 6 in the morning?” Zacky asked as he scratched his head.

“We want to take Tegan to breakfast.” I said as I saw Matt smirking from the couch. I walked over to Zacky and hid behind him.

“Don’t hide behind me. You woke me up too early. I’ll feed you to the wolf...well more like giant ape, but still I ain’t saving you!” Zacky said as he glared at me. I just smiled innocently and ran upstairs to the guest room where my clothes would be. I locked the door and picked out a white loose shirt, black open vest, blue jeans and my black suede boots and went into the bathroom to change, making sure to lock that door too. I changed quickly and brushed my hair. I walked out of the bathroom expecting the bedroom door to still be locked, but no instead I saw my brother sitting on the bed smiling.

“Uh Hi, How are you?” I asked as I stepped closer to the door. He just shook his head, still laughing. I smiled back before trying to run out of the room. He just laughed harder at me running into a locked door. I looked down at the door knob and over to my brother who was still sitting on the bed. I just laughed a nervous laugh before trying to unlock the door, but Matt grabbed me and threw me over to the bed. He reached my sides and started tickling me again. I screamed out and tried to get away, but he grabbed both of my hands and held them over my head. I heard something click, but I didn’t think anything of it until he had stopped tickling me. I tried to move my arms, but found out that he had handcuffed me.

“Are you serious?” I asked as I tried to get out of them.

“Yep.” He said laughing. He reached down and picked me up, throwing me over his shoulder. He walked down the stairs with me trying to get away from him.

“That’s what you needed my handcuffs for?” Zacky asked with a lifted eyebrow. I looked over at him and then at the handcuffs.

“Eww!” I screamed as I tried to pull them off, but sadly they wouldn’t.

“Let’s go to breakfast.” Matt said walking out of the house.

“Can you uncuff me?”

“Nope.” He responded as he threw me in the passenger seat.