Frankie Fever

“Step four: hang out with like-minded people!”

This step was taken to straight away. Everyone found someone in the group to chat to. It seemed everyone was seeking an opposite-sex person to chat to. I dithered in my seat awkwardly. It seemed everyone was gone. And who’d want to talk to a sealed-up freak like me, anyway?

There was a blur beside me as someone sat down. Someone with long, dark hair and in desperate need of a shave. He was pale and looking around the room, his eyes flicking from person to person.

Should I say hello? Is he waiting for me to say something? Say something to him, you idiot! You‘re here to make friends and you clearly have something in common if you‘re both at bible classes for the homosexual!

He turned to me slowly, smiling awkwardly. His blue eyes sparkled in the light.

“You like music?” He questioned awkwardly.

Excuse me? But, still, he’d been confident enough to talk to me. I on the other hand. . .

Well, I should probably say something in return now. I didn’t need to further my reputation as the crazy guy. I already had drug mishap, obsessive crush, self-assaulting and socially awkward under the belt. I didn’t need any more.

“Um. . . yeah,” I replied with a shy smile “You?”

He nodded, smiling in return. But he didn’t say anything. Oh God, I had to make the conversation.

“So. . . uh, what kind of music do you like?” I questioned awkwardly.

“Dunno’,” He shrugged “Dillinger Escape Plan, Queen. . . Smashing Pumpkins-”

“Oh my God, me too!” I exclaimed with a grin.

He grinned and nodded his head.

“Billy Corgan, eh?” He questioned.

“I love him!” I grinned.

We both grinned like idiots until it dawned upon us. And we both sort of shuffled away from each other awkwardly. I’d scared him. Well done, Gerard, good on you. Not.

God, I was such an idiot!

He managed an awkward smile before he got up, patted my arm and - with a rushed ‘See you around’ - wandered off. I watched his back as he shyly edged into a conversation with Valerie and Mike.

I sighed to myself. Now I was alone. Alone. Watching everyone else enjoy themselves. . .

“Come come, now, Gerard,” The voice said next to me.

It was Eddie, come to keep me company. He was shaking his head sympathetically at me. I shrugged a shoulder awkwardly as he sat down beside me.

“I don’t. . . mix well,” I explained “I find it hard to talk to people.”

“I understand, son, but this is a vital step!” He said gently “Come on, we’ll both go and talk to some of the others, yes?”

I nodded slowly, standing up with him and shyly shuffling after him. He led me over to a group made up of Stephanie and Chris. We listened to their discussion about films for a few moments before Eddie muscled in.

He had this uncanny habit of being able to swing a conversation in the direction he wanted it to go. A more elegant, devious version of Frank’s blunt making a statement that bears no relation to the subject.

“I’ve never cared much for films, myself,” He commented “I’m more of a reader!”

“Oh, yes,” Stephanie agreed “I love curling up on the couch with a good book!”

Chris nodded and smiled enthusiastically. I wore a shy smile on my face as they launched into a discussion about books. ‘Oh romances are so wonderful’ Chris would simper. ‘Yes, I love a good romance’ Stephanie would agree. We learned her favourite book was ‘The Rubyfruit Jungle’, to which Eddie frowned disapprovingly. I was perfectly content listening to them swapping book titles but that wasn’t enough for Eddie, oh no.

“What are your favourites, Gerard?” He demanded, making me start.

I blinked like a rabbit caught in headlights. They were all looking at me expectantly. Oh God, what did I say now? I wasn’t a huge fan of romances. I’d never read ‘The Rubyfruit Jungle’ and I had no idea what ‘Enduring Love’ was.

They’d laugh if I told them what I liked to read. Oh God. Oh God ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod. They’d laugh. I hated the idea of being laughed at! I wouldn’t be able to cope with being laughed at or treated like an idiot.

My palms began to grow sticky. I felt a slow tremble begin to travel through my entire body from the hairs on my head down to the tips of my toes. The hairs on my arms began to stand up. I was so nervous it was stupid. I felt like I was going to vomit. I was going to faint. I was going to forget how to speak.

And then Gee returned to me: Well, they’ll have to like it or lump it, won’t they?

After that, I felt a boost of confidence.

“Well, I’ve just finished Wuthering Heights not long ago,” I began.

The expression on Eddie’s face was anything but mockery. He looked surprised and interested. Chris looked confused and Stephanie smiled widely at me. Not the reaction I’d expected at all.

“Oh, I studied that as part of my English Literature degree!” She trilled excitedly “It’s such a good book, isn’t it?” A small nod and smile on my account. “What else have you read?” She pressed keenly.

“Well, I like The Catcher in The Rye, Dracula, 1984, Sons and Lovers. . . I’ve read some Shakespeare too. My Mom loves all those old books and I asked if I could borrow some of them.”

“It’s so good to see the younger generation taking an interest in the classics,” Eddie smiled.

“Well, I uh. . .” I stuttered shyly “That’s not all I read. I mean, I’ve read Harry Potter and the Alex Rider series and Stephen King books too-”

“Yes, yes, of course,” Eddie cut across “It’s just nice to see that you read something challenging as well as all those teenage angst books!”

I smiled awkwardly.

* * *

“Step five: Read the bible and be sure to pray.”

“Dear God, please help me stop lusting after Frankie!” I prayed sincerely “Help me find a gorgeous girl to love instead!” I finished.

But then I wondered.

I mean. . . who knows about God, right? It’s always best to keep all bases covered. . . just in case. Because, well, who knows?

“Okay, maybe you’re okay with the whole same-sex thing, no one knows for sure. If that’s the case please help Frank stop treating me like a toy and help him realise the only place for him is my bed!”

I finished my prayer with a cross. Forehead, chest, shoulder, shoulder. Then I clambered into bed, feeling pleased with myself. I’d achieved a lot. I’d managed to overcome my shyness, I’d met some new people and I’d kept all areas covered on the off-hand chance that God didn’t mind same-sex relations. I was a clever boy.