"Love is Like A Glass Door..."

Dear Diary...

My mind's plagued with big city dreams I wish I could grasp... I- I haven't really been myself these days, and I have no clue what's going on inside me. It's like there's this hazy fog building up and ballooning in my heart- and in my brain. Nothing's clear anymore; my own emotions don't make sense to me anymore.

I spent a misty evening meandering down the city streets of Cartegena, which was about four and a half hours away from Madrid, smack- dab in the center of Spain, where our concert tomorrow night was taking place. Accompanying me was Vee, her tiny hand enclosed in mine as we wandered down the quiet sidewalks, uncovered manholes emitting lazy steam around us. We were cloaked in the privacy and silence of the darkness, wrapping itself around us like a blanket from infant years. Every couple of yards, we walked beneath the pools of warm, yellow light of the street lamps. There was no need for words. For this night, I simply thrived off of the pleasant frisson of delight that came along with this puppy love.

And yet...There's something missing from this Big City Dreams picture.

Don't get me wrong; I loved her company which ebbed away some of the loneliness I've been wishing to block out. Any sane person could see what a perfect match Violet was for me- but that's the problem; I'm not sane. I'm cursed with impaired senses to distinguish whatever muddled mess that has become my thoughts. I need to sort myself out, but I'm so lost in this sea of enigma swarming around in my mind and sucking me in.

I first met Vee after a concert in London, backstage, accompanying the Minus IQ band. Or, you could say, that they were accompanying her. At any rate, I was drawn to Vee at first smile like a magnet. And I guess you could say that it flew from there. What first started out as a cordial conversation about band instruments- of which she knew a surprising amount of- sprouted immediately to a phone call and a relationship.

I'm sure we managed a couple dozen blocks of meandering and just savoring the moments of the hushed peace before we'd retraced ourselves back to the black rented Mercedes waiting for us at the curb in front of a cozy little Chinese fast food restaurant. We went inside for a bit and ordered a carton of noodles and Szechuan chicken to share between us in the car. The ride home was spent between a Copeland CD, alternating between driving and eating, and sharing invaluable sweet nothings.

We get to a snug-looking mini hotel where she was staying at with friends for a couple of days. As I help her out of the passenger seat, I offer one last time for her to stay over with me and my family- I mean, really; there was more than enough room for fifty ADHD kids. But she declined and insisted she'd be fine. At the threshold of the hotel, I kiss her lightly on the forehead, stroked her auburn hair and bid her goodnight. She disappears into the warmly-lit lobby, and it's not long until I feel a sinking loneliness fill her space like a draft. The rest of the drive to the tour bus was quiet, save for some Copeland and Switchfoot.

I reach the site of the tour bus and park nearby. Turning the car off, I sit in the stifling stillness, staring at the key still in the ignition, sleep and more of my nagging thoughts nibbling at me. Finally, I leave the car. Standing in the grass, a silhouette in the unnerving darkness and mist, I paused yet again, scuffing the ground with my converses aimlessly as I brooded. After some time I feel the need to curl up in bed and sleep. Yawning, I made my way for the bus.

And here I am, now. I'm unable to sleep, scribbling in your secret pages, diary. Writing about how confused I am. I'm writing that my mind and my heart are in a heated debate. Screaming, screaming infidelities inside, deep down in my own little word while Nick and Kevin sleep, unsuspecting, nearby. I'm keeping you prisoner and recorder of my innermost inhibitions and fears.

My mind rants Violet, Violet, Violet, while my heart's pleading Penelope, Penelope, Penelope. I'm so lost, it leaves me subdued and frustrated at the same time.

Violet; I know for certain that I am better off with her.

But, Penn; I have almost no inkling of who she really is, but I want to find out. I want to be the one that makes her smile. And, go ahead, frown disapprovingly on me. Say I should be happy for Nick and Penn- because they're so obviously perfect counterparts of each other- and I should love Vee for all that she deserves. I know. This is what I'm trying to grind into my heart.

But my heart knows better. But my heart is stubborn.

Don't ask me what I feel; I've yet to find out.

Until then,

Joe.