Living With Joe Jonas

..::Joe's POV::..

That was the right thing to do, right?

I asked myself that as I watched Nicole nearly stumble out of my room. The words were so hard to force out. I wanted her, I wanted success, I wanted everything.

I ignored the fact that every fiber of my being was screaming at me that it was the wrong thing to do. I wouldn't force Nicole to wait for me. I wouldn't force my family to move to California. I would let Nicole move on with no strings attached. I would stay with my brothers and continue with music.

That was the right thing to do, right?

I asked myself that my first day back at school from suspension as I watched Nicole from across the cafeteria. She was sitting with Candice and some other girls at a table. She ate slowly, and spoke when she had too... But I knew better. I knew her better.

"Joe? Joe!" Jason snapped his fingers in front of my face. I slapped them away in irritation.

"What?" I snapped, pulling my eyes away from Nicole.

"What is up with you? Why do you look all messed up today? Did you party without me last night or something?" Jason asked humorlessly. I knew I looked like I hadn't slept all night. I hadn't.

"Sorry," I mumbled, not really that sorry. I looked back over at Nicole. Did she not want to be with me, or was she just agreeing with me for the sake of... agreeing with me? I guess it didn't matter, one way or another.

... But I wanted to know.

"Honestly dude, I don't know how you can stay so hooked on one girl."

I brought my attention back to Jason. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"If you guys have all these problems, why don't you just break up?" Jason asked. I seemed to have brought him down with my own bad mood. He didn't have to sit with me.

"We did break up. Can you shut the fuck up already?"

"Calm down," Jason said, but otherwise appeared unfazed. "You did? Why?"

He seemed surprised. "Didn't you just tell me that we should break up? What do you mean, 'why'?" I snapped. He sounded so fucking retarded right now. I looked back over at Nicole. She never even spared a glance at me.

"I didn't mean it. It's obvious that she makes you happy... except for when you guys are fighting. So who broke up with who?" He asked.

"Does it matter?" I asked harshly.

"Just wondering... But by your response I bet she broke up with you," He was trying to tease me, or something stupid like that, and he really wasn't getting the message.

"Dude, just shut up about it," I said dejectedly. "I broke up with her," I mumbled quietly.

I didn't think he'd heard me. "Why'd you do that!"

I don't know why I kept talking to him. I wasn't in the mood to talk to him right now, but I kept going for some reason. "Because she has to go back to California sooner or later."

"So? Why not have fun while she's here?" It was all so simple to him.

"Because then it will be harder when she has to leave," I grumbled.

"Yeah, because right now this is looking like it's real easy for you," he noted sarcastically. I started to stand to get up and leave, but his voice stopped me. "Wait, wait. I'm sorry. I know I'm being an ass right now."

I hesitantly sat back down. "Lost my job last night and got grounded," Jason explained. He didn't bring up the subject of me and Nicole again.

That was the right thing to do, right?

I asked myself that when I realized Nicole had ditched dance class. Nicole never ditched. Now I was the one sitting by myself the way she probably had when I'd been suspended.

..::Nicole's POV::..

"Don't look over there," I whispered at lunch, not looking up from my food as I spoke to Candice. She knew everything.

"Sorry," She apologized and averted her eyes. "But he's staring over here... a lot."

"Well... don't stare back," I mumbled, pushing around the food on my tray.

"He has no idea that I'm looking at him. He only stares at you... are you sure you didn't break up with him?"

I responded with silence, feeling a pain in my chest again.

"Sorry," Candice apologized, probably seeing my expression. I tried to keep my face straight...

"It's fine. I'm getting over it already," I lied. I'd called Candice last night after Joe had told me he wanted to let me move on. She hadn't answered her phone, and in my state I'd left a long, sobbing, and uncharacteristic message on her phone. Now, besides pain, I felt embarrassed at the message. Candice didn't seem to mind, though.

She didn't call me out on my lie, either. "It's suppose to get easier," She simply said.

It wasn't getting easier. It was getting harder as the information seemed to sink deeper and deeper that I was no longer with him. He didn't want me.

Going to fourth period was a definite no. I was ditching and I didn't care. I wasn't even sure if I was staying in New Jersey until this Sunday or until the end of the year. I tried not to think about it.

But when I did think about it, both options seemed horrible. I didn't want to go back this Sunday because... I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to leave, because leaving would mean never seeing Joe. Again. Even if I wasn't talking to him, the thought of being hundreds of miles away from him was unbearable.

But staying here for a few months longer to finish the school year? That sounded just as bad as leaving in a week. I didn't like seeing Joe because it hurt, but the thought of never seeing him again hurt too. It was just a matter of which one would hurt more.

Instead of going to dance I started walking in the direction of home until I found myself at the lake. I sat. I threw small pebbles in the water. I pulled strands of grass next to me. I forced myself to not think about anything. When I got home I went up to my room. It was the easiest way to avoid him.

The next morning I dragged myself out of bed late. I didn't want to go to school today. I was on the verge of just deciding to fake sick and ditch the whole day, but realized that I was falling into a faze that would be hard to come out of if I let myself do that. I'd already found things that used to be important to me slipping through my fingers. I wasn't going to let him leaving me do that to me.

I threw on a jacket and some skinny jeans before rushing downstairs while balancing my things on my binder. At the bottom of the stairs my phone cluttered to the floor, and as I bent down and reached for it my hand came in contact with another.

I looked up right into the eyes of Joe, who seemed to be staring into my soul. I couldn't look away for a few seconds, but when I did I hurriedly grabbed my phone and stood up. That had been the first time I'd made eye contact with him since Sunday.

..::Joe's POV::..

Nicole ditched dance again that day. It bothered me. It bothered me a lot, so I didn't bother staying. I left when I realized that she wouldn't show up, telling the Ms. B that I felt sick.

Not having anywhere else to go, I went home. Nicole wasn't there either, I noted in frustration. Not that it mattered to me anyways... She acted like I didn't exist. Day Two of the split and I was already out of her life. Quick and easy.

More like slow and agonizing...

Nicole came home a few hours later. I had no idea where she spent her time when she ditched fourth, and I was dying to ask her. I was dying to have any contact with Nicole, but she seemed fine not talking to me at all. She never looked at me, never said anything to me. Even when my family had dinner at the table she was great at pretending that I didn't exist without making it obvious to the rest of my family.

The next day followed the same pattern as Monday and Tuesday. I couldn't stand it. I knew that I'd broken up with her, but it wasn't like I wanted to. I didn't bother going to fourth period again that day. Instead I just went home.

I didn't know where everyone else was, but I was the only one home until Nick walked in the door. I was mad at myself for being hopeful that it might be Nicole walking in.

"Hey," Nick greeted as he threw his backpack aside and sat down in the living room. He started watching TV with me. "... Can I have the remote?"

I focused on what I was watching for the first time. Some home improvement show. In an unnecessary bad mood, I denied his request.

"Dude, you're not really watching this," He argued.

I ignored him. "So I'm staying," I stated. "I hope your happy."

"...Huh?"

"I'm staying here. In New Jersey," I snapped.

"That's great!" Nick exclaimed. I didn't know why I was talking about this with him right now. I didn't know why I wanted to blame him for everything, when nothing was his fault.

"No, it's not so fucking great." I tossed the remote at him. Or threw it. It hit him in the knee.

"What the hell? What's your problem?"

I stormed out of the living room and left the house. I started walking towards the lake. I hated how things were going. I was miserable.

I froze next to a tree when I spotted Nicole sitting in the grass near the lake. I was far enough for her to not hear my footsteps and her back was facing me. I hesitated before deciding to approach her.

I slowly walked towards her, surprised at how nervous I was. She jumped when I sat down next to her, as if I'd caught her off guard. We stared at each other for what seemed like forever while I sat next to her, and yet when she broke eye contact with me it seemed like we'd only looked at each other for a second.

“What...” she started slowly, looking over the lake. Her posture had become tense, when before she had seen me she had been relaxed. “What are you doing here?”

Not exactly how I wanted to start the conversation, but okay. “... I got into a fight with Nick.” Nicole stayed tense, as if debating whether or not to get up and leave. Sensing what she was thinking, but not thinking for myself, I said, “Don't go.” Nicole looked at me, surprised. “Look, Nicole... I know we're not, you know, together anymore but,” I paused, “I still want to remain friends.”

A long pause followed afterward. After seconds of her not answering, I became nervous. After a few more seconds, I expected her to just flat out reject me.

Finally she hesitantly nodded. “Okay,” she answered slowly.

I felt myself smiling before I could stop the idiot grin from plastering itself on my face. I didn't realize I'd feel so unbelievably happy just from her agreeing to remain friends with me. Nicole examined my face before smiling softly back at me. Without thinking, I started to lean in to kiss her. And within a second I snapped back to reality and stopped myself before I could do something that would mess up the... friendship I was building.

I didn't think Nicole noticed my mistake, but before she could I started talking.“So is this where you spend all your time when you don't go to dance?”

Nicole shrugged sheepishly. “Yeah.”

“You stole my lake,” I teased.

“Yeah,” she simply agreed with me, smiling.

“And,” I added, “I have to sit alone in fourth.”

“Now you know what it's like,” she teased. She was already in a surprisingly better mood than when I first sat down.

“Well, yeah. But I only sat out for one day,” I said.

Nicole seemed slightly alarmed. “Did you get a new partner?”

“No,” I responded, taking in her reaction. “I just haven't been going.”

“Oh... Then what have you been doing?”

“Not going,” I joked, and was relieved to see her smile. “I've been going home,” I answered seriously.

“Doesn't your mom or dad notice that you're not at school?” she asked. A strand of her hair fell out from behind her air. Naturally, I reached up and pushed it back. Only when I noticed her reaction did I realize that wasn't a 'friend' thing to do.

I quickly answered. “Yesterday I sneaked in and just went up to my room. Today only Nick was home.”

“Oh.” The wind picked up and Nicole shivered.

“You never dress warm enough,” I lectured.

“I'm not cold.”

Where had I heard that before? I rolled my eyes playfully. “Right.” I removed my jacket and gave it to her. She reluctantly put it on, mumbling something about me getting cold. “Did you come here yesterday?” I asked. Even though we hadn't spoken in nearly three days, I felt as if I'd missed out on a lot.

“Yeah, I did.”

“And the day before?” I inquired. She nodded.

“Are you going to dance tomorrow?” I asked.

She thought about it, which disappointed me. My hopes might have been too high to think that she would have immediately said yes to going. After some time though, she said, “Probably.”

“Probably?” I probed.

..::Nicole's POV::..

I hated the fact that I was loving the fact that Joe was so eager to find out what I was up to and so enthusiastically talking with me. I hated that I still loved him so much and he didn't love me. I felt a little pathetic that even though I knew I shouldn't let myself get so absorbed with someone who didn't share the same feelings I had, I was here letting myself indulge in him. Indulge in his smile, in his voice, his eyes, his hair, his words...

“Yes, I'll go,” I gave in. Letting myself indulge in believing that he actually wanted me. Though he was acting like he wanted me... It was probably all in my head. But some of his actions were really confusing me. The way I'd been catching him staring at me. The way he'd brushed my hair back.

I was probably making something out of nothing.

“Good,” he answered, smiling. Why did he act like he loved being around me so much? “Because if you are, then I'm not.”

I wondered if he could see my face fall or hear my heart shatter again. Maybe he did, because he stopped smiling. “Nicole... I'm just kidding.”

Suddenly I felt stupid and over-sensitive and... it wasn't a good feeling, but relief covered the bad feelings up. I choked out a laugh. “I know.”

“So anyways... You're staying until the end of the year, right?”

I paused to think, though thinking straight was hard when I was still recovering from what was almost another mental break-down and now he was throwing this at me. I thought that he didn't want me to stay...

“I don't know,” I answered honestly. Didn't you just say that you wanted me to move on? I hugged his jacket around myself, taking in the scent.

“You should,” he said after a brief pause. I met his eyes, afraid to refer back to his words when he decided to 'let me move on'.

“I thought...?” I didn't want to continue. I was too much of a coward to acknowledge that he probably didn't want me to stay or something like that.

“You thought...?” He prodded.

I mentally groaned, but decided to tell him what was on my mind. “I thought you wanted to let me... move on.” It sounded more like a question.

He stumbled on his words and I realized that I'd put him on the spot in a way. “You should move on,” he said quietly. “But we can... still be friends until the year is up... If you want.”

The very last part seemed like an after-thought. Of course I wanted to be around him. Did he know that I would do anything for him? I didn't know it until he really broke up with me. I didn't know that I'd probably jump off a bridge if he told me too. Ugh...

“I want to,” I tried to agree not so eagerly.

“So you'll stay?” His voice sounded as eager as mine wanted to.

I knew I hadn't thought about my decision enough, but that didn't sound important to me right now. All that was important was that Joe wanted me to stay. “Yeah.”