The Lover's Key

I wake up to the smell, more like an odor. Its that old “Hospital” smell. After almost months of smelling it everyday, I still can’t get use to it. I guess I am just to stubborn. It is a bright morning, everything seems peaceful. I think about what is really going on out there. What is going on behind the bright sun and clear skies. The things behind it like people sobbing, accidents happening, the screams of terror and pain, murder, starving children, stealing, conflicts, and so much more. All of this happening everyday.

Then I come back to what I dreaded most. Alexandre Collins. My life. My love. My everything. He was a person people wish they were and many wish they can grasp. A man of honor, respect, class, riches, kindness, love, trustworthy, dazzling, magnificent, brilliant, talented, and almost perfect it was scary or intimidating. This is what I thought, but I was wrong. I horribly wrong.

Behind that perfect man was a liar. A trader. He took my heart and shattered back into the stupid and pitiful self as when he found it. My mind drifts back to that time when he was caught on that afternoon. In that filthy alley, with that filthy woman. The site of them and what they were doing. All of it was sickening and disgraceful. What was more disgraceful was something else.

His face that I saw as I first woke up in the hospital. That beautiful face glistening in the dim light of my pure white room. The tears that wouldn’t stop falling from his face. All of it, all of it! Was completely disgraceful! Why was he crying with pain? Isn’t that what I should be doing not him. I was the one who found him, while he should be happy! He was finally lip locking with his beloved! So what now? He suddenly comes crawling back to me? He did what he did. There’s no turning back now!

Each day when I closed my eyes and let my mind just go as it pleased, I finally fell into my deep slumber. At times I had such vivid dreams where I felt as if someone was pressing something so tender and sweet to my lips. It felt so passionate, but somehow sad. It was like the feeling of someone telling you something, but at the same time hurting with you as well about the bad news. It felt like the kiss was somehow filled with an anguish of depression, but still so passionate. Like a longing. I stayed in my deep slumber thinking it was just a dream.

Now I knew it was not. It could not be a dream. It was to real, but dreams have that affect on people. The affect to make it seem like it is real by going into your memories and subconscious to make it real. I wanted it to be real, but at the same time knew I couldn’t handle it. So again it was another day at the hospital. This time it was actually different because I was being discharged. As I was leaving my designated room, I walked to the lobby. I noticed it had gotten so loud! So many people. Nurses rushing pass me, people crying, so many bodies pacing, the sound of conversations on phones, and loud footsteps. The hospital was so busy. Then I saw something I knew I would now have to face.