All Was Golden in the Sky

Spencer and Brendon had been friends practically forever. There were years of memories between them that I didn’t even know fully, and they were as close to brothers as two guys could get. I knew Brendon had been disappointed when Spencer decided to sit out the tour in place of continuing on focusing on his recovery, but everyone agreed it was for the best. Tour was full of temptations, and right now Spencer was too weak to ignore the constant presence of booze and rock star life.

Of all of our friends, Spencer was the only one I knew wouldn’t make me feel poorly. Not that everyone else did on purpose—I think they were all just terrified of upsetting me or hurting me further, knowing I had already been through so much.

Well, Spencer had been through a lot, too, and he didn’t like to be made to feel like less of a human. I knew he would relate.

“Can I get you something to drink?” he asked me once he’d invited me inside. He shuffled around in the kitchen, and it made me smile to see he had a little spring in his step. He must be having a good day.

“Just some water would be great, thanks,” I said. He dug out a glass and filled it nearly to the brim, offering an apologetic smile when a bit spilled onto my arm when he handed it to me. I just laughed and followed him out to the couch.

“So what’s up? Everything go okay at the airport?” Poor Spence, I could see the nerves fraying behind his eyes. I knew it was killing him not to go on tour.

Instead of reaching out to comfort him I just nodded and took a sip of my water. “Yup, smooth as ever.”

“You miss him already,” Spencer smiled.

My cheeks flushed, but it was nothing new—I blushed nearly every time I thought of Brendon. “I always do,” I said. “It never gets easier saying bye to him.”

He shrugged and leaned back into the sofa. “Yeah, but it’s not like it’s goodbye forever. You’re flying out to meet up with them in a couple of weeks, yeah?”

“Yeah.” I tugged my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around my legs to keep close. “It’s just, you know…hard.”

Spencer nodded slowly, and I could feel his eyes piercing into my face as he studied me. “Wanna talk about it?” he asked. His voice was very quiet, almost little, but it was comforting all the same.

I bit my lip and we sat in silence for a moment or two, me still hugging my knees to my chest and Spencer sitting back seeming very relaxed. I picked at a speck of fluff on my sleeve. “What was it like?” I finally asked. Spencer lowered his eyebrows, and I cut in to explain. “After everyone found out. What was it like for you?”

He sat up and rubbed his forehead. “After everyone found out about my addiction?” he asked, and I nodded. He looked away towards the window, and I could practically see the gears in his head running as he pondered over his response.

“Hard,” he finally said, “and at the same time a relief. It felt good to not have to keep it a secret anymore, but everyone treated me differently. It was like they thought I was going to snap at any minute, like I was—“

“Fragile,” I finished, and his eyes snapped to mine. “I know what you mean.”

He nodded and leaned forward, scratching the back of his neck. “It wasn’t a good feeling. Every day I had to deal with resisting the temptation of the addiction and worry at the same time about what my friends all thought about me.” He looked back over at me. “Watching everyone tiptoe around me, acting like things were fine but worrying I was going to—“

“Break,” I finished again. His coffee table had begun to fascinate me for some reason, and I couldn’t drag my eyes away from it as I listened to him speak.

“Exactly,” he nodded. We sat in silence again, until finally I felt Spencer’s hand on my shoulder and my trance was broken. “Now, want to talk about it?” I shook my head and tried looking away, but he grabbed my chin and made me face him. “It helps to talk about it, Annie,” he said quietly.

“I guess it’s just…hard to start,” I shrugged.

“Sometimes it helps to start by saying what happened.” The grip he had on my shoulder tightened. “It’s different saying it on person than it is on a blog. I should know.”

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. The air felt heavy flowing through my nostrils, like it could suffocate me if I left it in any longer. “I had a miscarriage,” I said, and the words made my heart plummet down into my stomach. It had been a true fact for months, but I hadn’t actually said the words before. Brendon had been the one to explain it to everyone else while I just sat quietly next to him.

Spencer’s arms wrapped around me and tugged me into his chest. He began shushing me and stroking my back, making me realize I had started crying. “Let it out, Annie,” he said.

“It was terrible!” I cried. “I didn’t even know…and then it was gone. And the doctors say that the chances of me conceiving again aren’t that great, and that terrifies me. And everyone is treating me just like you said—like I’m about to break, like I’m not even the same person I was and they need to tiptoe around me.”

It felt so good to vocalize everything, like a pressure that I hadn’t known had been on my lungs was tearing away and leaving me fresh. But there was still a lot to let out, stuff that Spencer maybe didn’t want to hear about but that I needed to vent about nonetheless.

“We haven’t had sex since it happened,” I muttered. Spencer stiffened and groaned, about to protest, but I carried on before he could speak. “I mean, we’ve done things, but it’s like Brendon’s afraid to initiate anything. Like he thinks it’ll upset me if he tries anything with me.”

Spencer pulled away, trying to hide the grimace he wore and failing terribly. “Well, he probably is worried about that,” he said. “I’m not sure if you’ve realized this but Brendon would put his own life on the line for you.”

“I miss sex,” I said, and I couldn’t stop the laugh that bubbled up at his blush.

He rubbed his hands over his cheeks, squishing his face to avoid looking at me. “Yeah, well, I’m sure if you just tell that to Brendon he will jump at the chance to help you with that one.”

I shook my head. “Not if he doesn’t think I’m ready for it. Not if he thinks I’m still an emotional wreck.”

“Well, stop crying, then,” he said. I stared at him, shocked, until he turned his smile upon me. “Oh, c’mon, I’m kidding. I know it’s not that easy. But if I recall correctly, from numerous uncomfortable stories and far too much information, you two get a kick out of convincing one another of things.”

I opened my mouth to protest again, but Spencer held up his arms. “Hey, now, that’s all the sexy talk I’m doing with you. All I’ll say of the matter is you should just jump him when you see him, but just don’t make him think you’re being crazy about it.”

“You got any tips on positions?” I joked, laughing when he pushed my shoulder.

“God damn it, Annie, I don’t want to think about all that,” he whined. “He’s my best friend; I don’t want to picture you two humping.”

I scoffed, feeling the weight on my chest growing even lighter. “Oh, so it’s fine when he talks to you about our sex life but when I bring it up—“

“He doesn’t talk to me about your sex life,” he said. He was the face of innocence, nose in the air and eyes closed in propriety.

I raised my eyebrows and sat back on the sofa to regard him. “Oh really?” I asked. “So when Brendon told me that he told you and the guys about that one thing I do and that you all were trying to get your girlfriends to do it, he was lying?”

He was quiet for a moment before he started mumbling. “Maybe Ryan tried…I knew better than to ask Linda.”

I smiled, “That’s what I thought.”

--

“He’s been such a pain in the ass without you,” Zack said. I arrived around the time the boys were set for sound check, and so Zack had been designated my chauffeur since Brendon was required to be elsewhere.

I chuckled. “What’s he been up to this time?”

Zack just sighed as we got to the back door of the venue, bypassing any chance of running into the fans that were already lined up. “Usual shit and shenanigans. Pranks galore.”

We walked past a few roadies who were doing some last minute jobs, all smiles when they saw us. The smiles at least looked genuine. “Should be a good show tonight,” I said, trying to start some more small talk. “People were really excited on Twitter today.”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah. It’ll be great.” He had been staring at me, scrutinizing almost, and I recognized it as the look all the guys had been giving me lately—like they were watching for any cracks in my foundation. He cleared his throat and glanced around. “Um, so I’ve gotta go check on some stuff. Brendon will probably be out—“

“You’re pissing me off,” I interrupted. I could tell my face had fallen into one of my infamous glares; Zack’s face paled considerably when I poked my finger into his chest with a frown. “Stop treating me like I’m some wounded animal, okay? I’m sick of it.”

Zack held up his hands in surrender. “Sorry, Annie. We just—we’ve just been worried about you. Want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I appreciate that, but I’d appreciate it even more if you guys just treated me normally again.” I made sure to maintain solid eye contact with him, in an effort to show him I meant business. Finally he sighed and tugged me into a hug, nodding and bumping his chin against the top of my head.

“I’m sorry, Annie,” he said. “I’ll talk to the guys about it, too. We just care about you, ya punk.”

I smiled and shoved him away. “Yeah, yeah.”

The guys all seemed excited to see me when I found them in the green room. It seemed for a minute they all forgot they were supposed to be worrying about me and greeted me like they would have had nothing happened: Pete spun me around in his arms; Dallon squeezed me so tight that blood vessels in my lungs could have popped; Patrick, Joe, and Andy all squeezed in bear hugs of their own; and Kenny and Dan both offered me friendly smiles and waves.

Brendon engulfed me in a huge hug, and when I felt his face bury itself in the space below my ear I shivered. It felt so good to have him so close, and I could feel him quiver under my embrace. It wouldn’t be hard to convince him after the show to stop treating me like I was broken.

“I missed you,” he whispered, pulling back to tussle my hair with a grin.

“You’re on in five, guys,” some passerby announced, and Brendon looked back at me with a pout.

I couldn’t stop my giggle and gently patted his cheek. “Go rock it, honey.”

And rock it they did. I swear, it never got old watching Brendon perform. He was just raw energy out there, and even though his backflips gave me the tiniest of heart attacks, I couldn’t deny what a talent he was. He had the crowd eating out of the palm of his hand. If he asked them to do anything at that moment, they would do it in a heartbeat, no questions asked.

Just like me.

We had to wait until after Brendon’s cameo for Fall Out Boy’s 20 Dollar Nosebleed for our escape, and even then Brendon seemed unsure as to why I vehemently insisted we hurry back to his hotel ahead of the others. Zack gave me a knowing wink our on way to the car, a wink which Brendon noticed and finally alerted him to my intentions.

“You must be pretty tired from your flight,” he yawned once we were in the room. He placed my bags down next to where his lay in a chaotic pile and then stretched. His shirt rode up his stomach, giving me a glimpse of that damn V I loved so well. I could feel my tongue running across my lips in approval.

“Not really,” I shrugged. “All the adrenaline from the show kicked in on me, I guess.” I sat down on the bed and ran my fingers over the plush comforter, keeping my eyes locked on Brendon’s. “I wouldn’t mind another form of bedtime though.”

He chuckled, although it was short, and tugged his shirt over his head. My heart leapt with joy for a millisecond before faltering into a somber murmur when he disappeared towards the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

I waited to see if I heard a stream starting, either from the sink or other things, but when no water falls sounded I hopped off the bed and knocked on the door. “What?” Brendon bleated through the wood, and I rolled my eyes.

“Open,” I commanded, and just like that, he opened the door a peek so I could squeeze in with him. It looked like he had just been about to begin brushing his teeth, holding his brush in one hand and toothpaste in the other.

I wasted no time in snatching them from him and tossing them on the counter top, replacing them with my hands in his to tug his body towards mine. It was nice to hear his surprised groan when I pressed my lips to his, rubbing our hips together simultaneously to encourage his groan to grow deeper.

“Annie, what are you doing?” he asked. His fingers were stabbing my hips as they clung to me, but it didn’t hurt. If anything it only fueled the fire growing below my stomach, urging me to only drag my teeth against his skin even harder.

My lips kissed everywhere I could reach without resorting to tiptoes—his cheeks, neck, eyelids, earlobes. “I miss you,” I whispered against his throat, kissing my way back up to his lips. “I miss us.”

His eyes closed in bliss when my fingers moved to his belt buckle. He grabbed my wrists when my finger stroked him through his pants and his eyes shot open. “Annie, are you sure you’re ready?” he whispered. His fingers traced up to my cheeks and he positioned my head so I stared him square in the eye.

I nodded in his grasp and pressed my hips closer to his again. “Yes,” I whispered. “I want this.”

“I do, too, baby,” he gasped when my hands returned to his buckle. “But you have to be absolutely sure. I don’t—“

“We have to be able to move on, Bren,” I whispered. I moved my hands to his cheeks, cradling his just as he did mine, and brushed away a tear that had slid down his skin. “We’re never going to be happy if we don’t move on.”

“Well, I did promise you I’d always make you happy,” he choked out as a laugh, brushing my hair away from my face.

I smiled and tugged on his hands, leading him back out into the bedroom. “I know something that would make me very happy right now.”

We had done our mourning. We had endured our fall. All that was left now was the recovery, and as the sheets tangled around our bodies and his hand found mine in the storm of our love, I knew our healing was beginning. We had each other, and we had a love that no heartbreak could vanquish. We had to move on in order to make new happiness.

And that night, against all odds, we did.