If It Feels Right...

It had been a week since he told me about his sexuality. And that very same day, he confessed something more, his feelings for me. We ended up having a talk about it, and I reassured him that I was completely fine with his sexual orientation. As for his feelings, I wasn’t so sure I felt the same. I mean, I’m straight. And I love him, I’m just not sure if it’s in that way.

But ever since then, I can only think of that day as the best day of my life. There was something inside me that made my stomach do flips when he said the words.

I’m in love with you, Zee.

He pressed his lips to mine. And I kissed back. I didn’t expect it to be like that. I thought if it did happen, I would push him away. I would say, “I’m really sorry Brian, but I don’t feel the same.” But I didn’t say that, and he proved me wrong. I kissed back, and I enjoyed it. I didn’t want to. I couldn’t. That wasn’t me. At least, I didn’t think so. Ever since then, I’ve come to the realization, that I may in fact like Synyster Gates more then a friend.

But now, his words are repeating in my head. I haven’t done anything all week besides play shows, eat occasionally, shower, and lay in my bunk. I can’t sleep. I won’t eat as much. I needed time to think. How do I really feel? Did I just like it because I hadn’t been kissed in a while, and needed it? Was it something that got triggered in my mind that felt obligated to kiss back? I mean the man just confessed his love for me. I searched my thoughts deeper, and he was everywhere. I realized that I had admired him much more then I thought. I loved the way he smelled, his hair, his smile, he was always there to talk to and be serious when you need it. He always defended me. And hey, there was nothing wrong with being bisexual or homosexual. We wouldn’t judge someone, on religion, or race, or anything. So why is gender any exception?

As I heard Brian’s foot steps approach, I turned over in my bunk, making it appear as if I was asleep. He let out a low sob, silent enough so that no one had heard. It broke my heart. Did he really feel he had to cry alone? That, he had no one to come to when he was down? That he couldn’t let anyone know that he was feeling anything but happiness?

He sniffed a little and went back into the kitchen area of our bus. I sat up, stretched a little and followed. Brian sat himself at the table. I chuckled as I noticed Matt had passed out, or fallen asleep, taking up residence on the couch. Jimmy, in a chair. And Johnny, on the floor. I walked over to him, shook him awake, and told him to go get some sleep in his bunk.

I sat myself down across from Brian, and noticed he was deep in his thoughts while staring out the window. I sighed. His words, that were constantly filling my stomach with butterflies, were still ringing in my head.

I’m in love with you, Zee.

All of a sudden, I was nervous around him. Wondering what to say, and if I looked okay, or if I stunk, I spoke lightly.

“Brian?” I said. He jumped a little, as I brought him back to reality. He looked at me, his eyes were tired and a bit red. But not enough to tell that he was crying. Unless you heard him.

“Oh, sorry Zacky. I didn’t hear you sit down. What’s up?” He asked. I gulped. Now was the time. Spill out everything to him. I know he can help.

“I-I heard you crying back there. Is there anything I can help with? What’s wrong?” I asked. He sighed loudly.

“Someone I love very much has been ignoring me for the past week or so. I think I upset them, and I think they hate me now.” He said, biting his lip.

“Brian, listen. I’m really sorry for that. I…I just didn’t know how to react! And since you kissed me. I got confused about myself. I just…don’t know what to do.” I mumbled, looking down and fumbling with a napkin at my hands.

“What are you saying?” He asked.

“I-I don’t know. I just need your help. Help me figure out what I like and what I don’t. I’m so confused at this point. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.”

“Come here.” He said, motioning for me to come to his side of the table. I looked at him, completely and utterly confused. He motioned again for me to go, and I did so. He took one of my legs and swung it around his waist, so I was sitting on his lap facing him. I laughed a bit.

“Well hello there!” I laughed again. He smiled.

“How does this feel?” He asked. I shrugged. He asked again, a bit more serious this time.

“I don’t know,” I said, “it feels like I’m sitting on you.” He sighed, and wrapped his arms around my waist.

“Put your arms around my neck.” He commanded. I did so. He looked me straight in the eye and asked, “What are you feeling now?”

“I feel…” I exhaled. It felt good. I felt protected. I laid my head on his shoulder, and slightly buried my face in his neck. I inhaled taking in his scent. He smelled like cigarettes and cologne.

“I feel like this is where I’m supposed to be. Where I belong.” I finally felt a bit more content and comfortable with myself at this point.

“Brian, I think I love you.”

“I know I love you.”

I sniffled a little. “But I’m still afraid.” I whispered. He rubbed my back reassuringly.

“Of what?” I looked out the window, to see a line of screaming fans go by as we quickly rode past them.

“Them.”

The fans.

I turned my head to a sleeping Matt and Jimmy.

“And them.”

The band. Our friends. Our family. What would they all think? Would they hate us and call us fags? Or accept us? And still love of for who we were.

“But this feel’s so right. I love where I’m at right now and I don’t want to mess it up. So I’m almost tempted to say, ‘I don’t care.’”

“Good, because all I can say is that if you’re happy, then I’m happy. I will never, ever let anyone hurt you. I quite frankly, don’t give a shit what they say.” He said, lifting up my head a little bit with his finger tips. “And I love where I’m at too. So I’m going to say, ‘I don’t care.’”

We pressed our lips together lightly. And at that moment I knew I was really in love with him. And as long as I had him…

I don’t care either.