A Funeral of Hearts

The next time I woke up I found myself on the bus, an uneasy feeling settled in my gut. It was mainly guilt and fear I think, I was having dreams, but not the dreams I would've expected to have about Gerard and the other guys. Most of them were set in the hospital, featuring Gray for the most part but also Lily and Lotta and Litta and the staff. That made my heart skip a few beats, I was worried I wouldn't find anything in Jersey but a confirmation of my unstable mind.

I was a nerve wreck when we finally arrived in Jersey. I couldn't sit still, I had to keep moving.
And if I could have it my way I'd run to the familiar street where I believe Gerard and Mikey to live but I didn't. Gray forced me to eat and change clothes, leaving our white robes in a trash can.

He didn't look as calm as he did when I fell asleep, he was sweaty and his breathe wasn't as even as I remembered it to be, and when I asked about the reason to his anxiety he muttered something about medication. Which didn't add to my already jumpy condition and I was determined to make Gerard take him to the hospital as soon as he answered all my questions...Assuming Gerard was real.

The ride went faster then I imagined, the cab came to a screeching halt next to the house I spent my entire childhood trying to make Gerard miserable in.
The color wasn't as fresh as I remembered it, it peeling in some places but otherwise it was the same as I remembered it.

I was taking it all in while Gray struggled to count the money with his shaking hands and the driver was taping his fingers on the wheel impatiently.
Suddenly the front door flung open and a short guy bolted out, laughing loudly and shouting something at the other guy with glasses who followed him out, pouting. The tall one caught up with the short guy who came only to his shoulder and swatted his head, which made him laugh.

I gasped with shock, putting my hands on the window. I watched them as they disappeared around the corner. My mind was yet to register that the short one with the long tattoo on his arm was Frank and the one with the glasses and the messy hair was Mikey.
I was sure about it, I just knew it was them. The way they moved and the way they smiled. They are my friends. Or were my friends.
It was all too real, there was no way this could be a coincidence, that would be too cruel.

"Viola," Gray's cool voice broke through my daze, "You're ready?"

I don't know what I said or if I said anything at all but I almost fell out of the car when he opened the door for me- leaning the way that I was on the window.
"They're real"

"Hmm?," Gray looked around the quite neighborhood with only the light afternoon breeze playing with the leaves.

"I saw Mikey and Frank," I think I smiled, "Just now."

He shrugged indifferently, struggling for control over himself. He didn't look so confident now, without his pills and it made me feel sorry for him.
I squared my shoulders, grabbed his elbow and marched towards Gerard's home, pushing the gate open.

I stood, staring at the door. I touched it with trembling hands, just running my hand on the smooth surface. How often did I walk past this door and never gave it a second thought and now all I was able to think was about it's rich brown color which was a bit faded at the center- years of knocking.
I positioned my balled fist exactly at the faded spot, took a deep breathe and knocked at the same time as I exhaled.

A moment passed and my hand dropped to the side, I was aware of Gray shivering behind me. Another moment passed with me gazing at the door.
The next moment my heart picked up it's pace as I slowely realized the door was still closed and a silent whimper shook my body. I was ready to turn around and run, but Gray blocked my way. Reaching past me he knocked, or more like pounded on the door a few times.

We waited.

And waited.

Occasionally my breathe came out with a sharp sound.

Gray pounded again, annoyance twisting his beautiful features and his eyes took on a new blue shade I haven't seen yet. I took the time to examine him, he looked like he didn't belong here, in my memory, on my doorstep. He looked like a stranger, I gazed up at him like it was the first time I ever laid eyes on him.

The door flung open, "Motherfu-," the voice was cut off with a loud gasp.

I turned to look at him, losing my voice completely, not breathing, not blinking just in case he wasn't real.
He stared at me, his little mouth and hazel eyes forming the same round O.
The round face I remembered wasn't much different, except for the dark circles around his eyes that made him look a lot older then 21, and made his skin too pale and ill looking.
His jet black hair was much more longer, reaching to his shoulders and much more messy.
His eyes seemed to analyze me as much as I analyzed him, bewilderment was still visible on his face.

"Hi Gerard"

It happened so fast, I didn't even notice Gray move past me and punch him in the jaw. Now it was my turn to gasp as Gerard staggered into the hall backwards.

"Gray!," I exclaimed, pushing past him, "What the fuck?"

Gray muttered something but I shook my head violently, glaring at him with my hand on Gerard's shoulder.

Gerard held his cheek, rubbing it and seemed to be more shocked then hurt.

"Can we talk?," I blurted.

He shrugged and walked into the kitchen. I turned to glare at Gray darkly, "Explain."

"Sorry," he sent his hand through his hair, "I didn't mean to."

I regarded him for a second and turned on my heels to follow Gerard into the kitchen.

"Can I come?," he whispered pathetically.

"No," I snapped, "Stay here and try not to demolish anything."

I heard him sigh before I reached the kitchen, but it didn't make me less pissed off, and I shut the door behind myself.

Gerard was sitting at the table with an ice pack on his jaw, staring at the table. I sat quietly opposite him and glanced around the kitchen without saying anything.
He was the one to break the silence, "Coffee?"

I nodded. I watched him move around the kitchen, working with one hand and keeping the ice pack in his other until he set a cup of hot steaming coffee in front of me and settled in his seat again. He didn't ignore me anymore but stared at me, I could still detect the shock in his eyes.

I mulled over what I wanted to ask him first and how should I do it. Mentally crossing out sentences as I sipped my coffee, unaware of the burning in my throat.

So what were you up to the last 3 years? Too casual.

Where the fuck have you disappeared to? Nowhere apperently.

Why did you leave me? Too needy.

I just ran away from a mental house so you could confirm that I wasn't retarded! Yeah, right.

"Is there enough sugar?," he asked.

"What?," I looked up from my cup, "Yeah, yeah. Thanks."

"I wasn't sure if you still liked it sweet or what," he smiled faintly, looking away, "I'm glad it's OK."

"Yeah, yeah. Perfect," I muttered.

"Good."

"Good."

I sighed and returned to chew on the inside of my lip. I had no idea what I wanted to say or to ask. I don't think I actually wanted to speak at all, just to find him there, being all Gerard-y was enough for me but the silence was strained and I knew he was waiting for me to talk.

"I'm sorry about," I motioned on the ice pack he was still holding.

He frowned, examining it as though he was seeing that for the first time, "You didn't do it."

"I know, but I...," I thought about the right words to say, "Feel responsible."

"It's OK."

Another silence as I fidget with the tablecloth. I was comfortable just where I was. I didn't want to talk or to do anything to remind me why I was here.

"Who is he anyway?," Gerard made a face, jerking his head back at the door.

"Gray," I was surprised at the smile that lifted up the corner of my mouth, "My fiance"

"Whoa," he leaned back at his chair, gawping at me.

"Gerard, I need some answers," I finally said, a pleading edge in my voice.

"Me too," he said angrily, almost demanding.