Spike Me and Save Me

Frank’s P.O.V.

So here we are – gathered around a white, steel framed bed.
Gerard was sitting up – legs crossed like a little kid. Mikey was in a chair on the right side of the bed – back against the window – Ray on the left, and me at the foot of the bed. Worm was behind me. Bob had stayed home. He didn’t want to come. I guess he wasn’t ready. I’m not sure I am either.
I had my arms crossed over my chest. My breathing was slow and heavy – I think I was close to having a panic attack, but I probably wouldn’t have noticed if I had one. All that was on my mind was Gerard. He was talking to Ray about something, but I wasn’t able to hear what they were saying – my mind was too loud. Mikey sat with his elbows on his knees and looked like a worried parent. This must be hard for him. I know it’s hard for me.
Suddenly the door to the room opened, and a doctor entered. I snapped out of my mental coma and was suddenly more alert than ever.

“Hello. I’m doctor Jasperson”, he said as he shook Worm’s hand, which was the first he met. He shook Ray’s as well, before he reached Gerard.

“So, Mr. Way. I guess you know the drill.” Gerard nodded and pulled off a quite impressive smile considering the circumstances.
“Okay then. Since you’re having your treatments at different hospitals, we need to go through everything. We’ve got your medical record, but to make sure everything is going as it should, we need to do some blood work and go through a few questions.” Gerard nodded again, and this time his smile was less impressive. I guess all of this was somewhat of a drag to do every single time. I guess it would be better to do every treatment at the same hospital. Maybe we should stop the tour. Has he considered that?

“Do you want your friends to stay, or…” the doctor asked, dragging the last word out.

“No, it’s alright. They can stay”, Gerard said slightly uncomfortable. I guess he didn’t want to talk for all of us. I nodded to reassure him of the fact that I wanted to stay. His eyes smiled at me, even though his lips didn’t move.

“Okay then”, the doctor said, while flipping over a piece of paper on the chart, then pulled a pen out of his lab coat pocket. He pushed the end of the pen, but the tip didn’t come out. He frowned slightly, until he realized it was “twisty-bottom”-pen. Success spread across his face, when the tip came out of the pen.
“There we go”, he said before his eyes turned serious and concentrated on the piece of paper in front of him.
“So, side effects: Nausea?”

“Yes”, Gerard said with a slight nod.

“Vomiting?”

“Yes”

“How often?”

“Just two times after each treatment. Three times after my second, though.” I noticed that each time the doctor asked a question, he looked at the paper while asking, and Gerard looked at him. Yet as soon as the doctor had asked his question and looked at Gerard, Gerard would look down at his feet, which he was holding in his hands.

“Any blood at any time?”

“No…” Gerard dragged it out a bit.

“No blood while vomiting, or no blood in general?”

“Uhm”, Gerard said. He started to look a bit uncomfortable, but not because of our feelings – it was about his own now.
“After my last treatment there was a bit of blood in my…urine.” He wasn’t used to formal terms.
“But it was only once. And it was about… 3 hours after I had gotten the treatment.” He seemed to be defending himself. I didn’t quiet understand why.

“Okay”, the doctor said understandingly, while he wrote something down. Gerard looked really uncomfortable now – almost embarrassed. I guess there were some things he weren’t completely ready to share with us all. Should we leave? Or would it be better to stay and hear everything?
No matter what, we all stayed – through all the questions. There were times when I thought about leaving, but my mind couldn’t move my body – the connection had been cut off. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t leave. But then again, what would I do outside this room? I’d probably walk right back in.

Gerard’s P.O.V.

“I’ll send in a nurse to get some blood for the tests. When those get back we can get you started”, the doctor said, before he finally left. It had been a little uncomfortable – having to talk about personal stuff in front of all the guys. But I guess they needed to know now. I had let them in. I couldn’t keep anything from them anymore – they needed and deserved to know everything. And now they do.
I sat like an embarrassed 5-year-old on the bed and picked at my sock. I didn’t want to look up and see all their pity and sadness. At first I had felt guilty, but after a short while I began to get frustrated. Do they need to be here? Why leave Bob on the bus – alone? Why don’t you go back to him? He shouldn’t be alone. Me on the other hand, I should! I’m used to it. And besides, I’m strong enough to handle this on my own.
Mikey sniffled. Instinctively I turned my head and looked at him. He wasn’t crying – yet. His eyes were slightly red, but he didn’t cry. He didn’t look at me, but looked at his folded hands in his lap. He was hunched over in the chair. A sudden feeling of guilt rushed over me, but was quickly replaced by pity. I pitied him. Oh, Mikey. Why don’t you just leave?
His eyes suddenly met mine, and it seemed to comfort him. The muscles around his eyes relaxed, and there was a slight twinkle in his eye. It comforted me to know I comforted him. I reached my hand towards him, and he lifted one of his to meet mine. For a second, I thought of his first day of school. Mom was with us, but I insisted on holding his hand and walk him to his seat. I will always protect you, Mikey – always!
The door opened, and I swallowed the lump in my throat. A nurse walked in with a metal tray in her hands. I saw Ray as she passed him, and he was still in his concerned position. Don’t be concerned – I’ll be fine.
Ray’s face disappeared behind the nurse’s pink blouse, when she placed the tray on a metal rack. As soon as I saw the needle I turned my head. My eyes met Mikey’s on the other side of the bed, and there they stayed as the nurse drew my blood.

Frank’s P.O.V.

I didn’t take my eyes off of Gerard. I was aware of everything around me, but I only saw Gerard. My arms were still crossed, as if they were able to protect me from something.
As the nurse drew blood for the tests, Gerard’s eyes were focusing on Mikey’s. Gerard flinched as the nurse stuck the needle through his skin, but his eyes never left Mikey’s. Both Mikey’s hands were locked tightly around Gerard’s left – every knuckle white on all three hands. I wanted to join them. I wanted to hold Gerard’s hand. Face. Everything. I wanted to hold him tightly to me – to my heart. I had to restrain myself not to walk over and kiss all of his pain away. I’m sure Gerard wouldn’t have minded, but I doubt any of the others would have seen it has normal behaviour – even for us.
The nurse soon left. Gerard soon relaxed, and so did everyone else. I did too, but only because Gerard did. Yet there was still something within me that wouldn’t relax. My chest was clenching. At first I was seriously worried that I was going to have a heart attack, but when the clench moved upwards to my throat, I knew it was reality striking. He’s dying.
I swallowed once, but as soon as Gerard looked at me, my eyes started to burn. You’re dying.
I let my arms drop to my sides as I turned to the door and walked – almost ran – out of the room. I guess I was trying to run from the reality, but initially I was running from the shame of breaking down and being weak in front of the one person I had to be strong for. Gerard.
I crashed on one of the chairs on the other side of the hall and buried my face in my hands. I didn’t sob – I just let the tears run down my cheeks into my palms. I couldn’t think of anything anymore. My mind seemed paralysed. All I could do was cry. I barely even felt reality around me – nurses, doctors, other patients walking by. I barely even felt Worm’s hand on my shoulder – it was his voice that brought me back to reality.

“I know”, he sighed – breath heavy. I looked up at him. He wasn’t crying – his eyes weren’t even wet or red. He stared towards the door to the room we had just left.
“I know”, is all he said, and nothing else needed to be said. We are in this together – of cause you know.

Gerard’s P.O.V.

The door opened and in walked the doctor. We – including Frank and Worm who had come back after a coffee run – had waited for about two hours, but it was better than the three and a half I had to wait at the last hospital. Or maybe it’s because of the company I now have. The time has passed fast with them here.

“So, Mr. Way”, the doctor said when he reached the side of my bed. He had an encouraging smile on his face, but his eyes were dead serious. Bad news.
“We have had a chance to look at the test results, and we think it’s best to set the dosage up.” Shit!
“Your white blood count is a bit higher than last time, which could be a sign of resistance. Your cells are simply not responding as much anymore, which is why we are going to slightly increase the dosage. Unfortunately, this might cause some more side effects, or perhaps worsen those you have already experienced – just so you will be prepared.” I nodded as I looked down.
“So, I’ll let a nurse get you started on your treatment. You know the procedure – just lie down and relax. I will bring you your chart after the treatment.” I nodded, and the doctor left the room. I looked around at everyone.
Ray had loosened up completely about an hour ago, but now he was back in his concerned position – one elbow on the armrest and his fingers covering his mouth, while his eyebrows were wrinkled above his eyes, which were fixated on me.
Worm was now in a chair by the window with a blank expression on his face.
Mikey hadn’t let go of my hand once – not even when he had gotten the pathetically small cup of coffee. When Frank had gotten back in, he had sat down on the bed, next to my feet. He leaned up against the wooden – or plastic, not sure – board at the end of the bed. After an hour, he seemed to have forgotten why we were here, and he hadn’t stopped smiling. That was why it saddened me, when the nurse who had drawn my blood walked through the door, with the bag of poison hanging on a metal rack. My heart ached when Frank’s smile disappeared from his lips and his eyes turned from bliss to concern. I had to look away.
I turned my head and followed the nurse’s walk to my side, and behind her I caught Ray’s expression – shock. Just leave. I can’t handle to see you in pain.
Then again, it wasn’t pain – it was shock.

“Hi!” the nurse said cheerfully.
“If you would just lie back and relax, please.” I unfolded my legs and lied down. Even though I was wearing a t-shirt, the nurse still rolled my sleeve up a bit. She patted my arm a bit to find a vain, then cleaned the area with iodine until my skin was covered in dark orange. As soon as she pulled the needle out of the safety cap, I shot my head towards Mikey. My eyes quickly met his, and I felt his hand squeeze mine. It made me feel safer – protected. When I felt the needle go through my skin I frowned, but my eyes never left Mikey’s, nor Mikey’s mine. He took my hand in both of his and squeezed – hard. I love you, Mikey!