Spike Me and Save Me
Shadow of the Day
Ray’s P.O.V.
I woke up quite quietly – just opening my eyes and being awake immediately. I didn’t even want to stay in my bunk and just let my mind wander – I wouldn’t know where it would go. I swung my legs over the side and put my feet on the ground. I heard Worm’s snore. It must still be early.
I reached back for my watch, and put it on my wrist as I saw what time it was. 6:30.
I smiled slightly. Fuck. I haven’t been up this early since college.
A sudden feeling of melancholy rushed through me, but vanished when I saw someone move in the corner of my eye. I turned my head, and saw someone walk into the bathroom. Gerard.
I got up and slowly walked towards the open door. I stopped just beside the doorway and waited for a bit. When I didn’t hear any coughs, I decided it was safe to look in. I took a step forwards and faced the open doorway, just in time to see Gerard with one hand down the front of his pants. He looked up at me, with a completely questioning look on his face. I realized the situation was kind of embarrassing, so I avoided his eyes and instead looked down. The toilet bowl caught my eye. My eyes widened and my breath was caught in the back of my throat. My eyes shot back up to Gerard’s. He frowned with a saddened look in his eyes. He didn’t have to say anything. He had experienced it before – I knew that. In a way I was surprised that I was surprised by what I saw. I have been prepared for it, haven’t I? He mentioned it yesterday.
I finally breathed in a sharp breath. Gerard’s eyes were filled with sadness – not because of his situation, but because of mine. He was concerned about me.
We were frozen like that for a few seconds, before he finally reached forward and flushed away the red content.
It was that situation that made reality strike for me. Everything seemed clear again, but not a pleasant clear. Everything made sense, but not a pleasant sense. Nothing was a clutter of thoughts and fears anymore – everything was comprehensible.
Bob’s P.O.V.
The day went by, bit by bit – all the days seemed to. Gerard’s decease wasn’t a focus point, but none of us could forget it. We all tried to, but it kept nagging in the back of our heads. Even though we all felt that way, I think I was the one who thought about it the least – or forced myself not to think about it. I can’t face it.
Every time I thought of the ‘situation’, I felt sick – sick by the rising sadness in my throat. I never made it further than that – I didn’t allow myself to. It hurt too much.
“Hey”, Gerard whispered. Even though he came from behind the deckchair, he didn’t frighten me. His voice was in a low, soothing tone, which slowly made me drift out of my thoughts. He came around the front and sat down on the deckchair to the right. I was facing the bus.
“Hi. I thought you were asleep”, I said. I wasn’t quite out of my mental coma of thoughts yet, so I didn’t think about being quiet. The others were asleep on the bus. I couldn’t sleep because of the heat – I guessed Gerard couldn’t either. Even though we had kept the door open, it was still hot as hell in there at night. Throughout the day the tin-can would heat up, and by nightfall it would be hell on earth, and no matter what we did it stayed that way – the only time it was bearable to be in there was in the morning, when the night-air had cooled it down.
“Couldn’t sleep”, he answered. I noticed that he put his hands in his hoodie, before my eyes drifted off and stared into nothing. I didn’t think about anything. It was nice.
“It’s nice out here”, Gerard said. I knew he was trying to start a conversation, but I just wasn’t up for it – maybe because of the time of hour, or maybe because I already knew where it would lead. I didn’t answer. Silence ruled the night for a minute – calming, but awkward.
“How’re you holding up?” I looked at him. He wasn’t looking at me, but at the cigarette between his fingers. I frowned.
“Isn’t that what caused this fucking shit?” I asked angrily and defensively. He looked up at me to see what I was talking about, then looked back down at his cigarette – he looked ashamed. I realized it was a bit harsh, and began to form an apology. Sorry, man. I didn’t mean to be an ass.
“I guess”, he answered, just before I was about to apologize. I looked up at him, and then I knew exactly what to say.
“It’s hard, you know. Seeing you like this. Knowing we can’t help.” His eyes shot up at me.
“You know, we all felt bad that day – when you told us. We all felt bad that we hadn’t figured it out before. I mean – seven weeks is a lot. It’s a long time. Especially when you go through it alone.” His eyes were turning red. So were mine, I think.
“I think we all thought back to those Tuesdays, where we all went out and left you alone. We didn’t know, but we still feel guilty. We should have figured it out.” A tear rolled down Gerard cheek, and I paused to swallow the lump in my throat.
“We love you. You might think that you can go through this alone, but we can’t. We need you.” I felt two tears roll down each of my cheeks. I wiped them away and sniffled. Suck it up!
“I’m sorry”, Gerard whispered. I’m sure he didn’t worry about waking the others – he was hoarse from crying.
“Don’t be”, I whispered back. Silence filled the air for a short while, before Gerard sniffled.
“Why won’t you cry?”
I frowned. It was a weird question. I knew the answer, but the question was just so sudden – it seemed completely random.
It was silent for a while – I didn’t know where to begin. Gerard was always patient – he waited.
“It hurts too much”, I answered simply – my voice low and almost shameful. I looked down at my hands.
“That’s unavoidable.” He was calm. I was calm – collected.
“Not completely. If I don’t think about it, I won’t be sad and it won’t hurt.”
“You can’t just run away from this. You have to face it”, he said – this time more firmly. I looked up and met his eyes. They were sad and almost shocked. I guess he couldn’t understand my point of view. I paused for a bit, before I continued.
“I’ll deal with it, when there’s something definite to deal with. I can’t face something, I don’t know what is.” Gerard kept quiet, so I continued.
“You’re still alive. You’re still here – that’s the important part. If you die I will cry, but for now you’re still here. I refuse to cry twice over the same heartache.” I barely knew what I was saying, but Gerard finally seemed to understand. He didn’t object.
We sat there for a while. My eyes started feeling heavy. I got up, walked over behind Gerard and laid a hand on his shoulder.
“I love you. And I’m not saying goodbye yet”, I said as I squeezed his shoulder. I stayed for a while – thinking of other things to say, but I felt it was all said. Suddenly I felt his hand on top of mine, followed by a gentle squeeze. I squeezed him once more, before I let go and walked toward the bus. I heard Gerard crying softly behind me, but I knew he needed to be alone – just for now. I won’t give up hope. Not until everything is lost.
I woke up quite quietly – just opening my eyes and being awake immediately. I didn’t even want to stay in my bunk and just let my mind wander – I wouldn’t know where it would go. I swung my legs over the side and put my feet on the ground. I heard Worm’s snore. It must still be early.
I reached back for my watch, and put it on my wrist as I saw what time it was. 6:30.
I smiled slightly. Fuck. I haven’t been up this early since college.
A sudden feeling of melancholy rushed through me, but vanished when I saw someone move in the corner of my eye. I turned my head, and saw someone walk into the bathroom. Gerard.
I got up and slowly walked towards the open door. I stopped just beside the doorway and waited for a bit. When I didn’t hear any coughs, I decided it was safe to look in. I took a step forwards and faced the open doorway, just in time to see Gerard with one hand down the front of his pants. He looked up at me, with a completely questioning look on his face. I realized the situation was kind of embarrassing, so I avoided his eyes and instead looked down. The toilet bowl caught my eye. My eyes widened and my breath was caught in the back of my throat. My eyes shot back up to Gerard’s. He frowned with a saddened look in his eyes. He didn’t have to say anything. He had experienced it before – I knew that. In a way I was surprised that I was surprised by what I saw. I have been prepared for it, haven’t I? He mentioned it yesterday.
I finally breathed in a sharp breath. Gerard’s eyes were filled with sadness – not because of his situation, but because of mine. He was concerned about me.
We were frozen like that for a few seconds, before he finally reached forward and flushed away the red content.
It was that situation that made reality strike for me. Everything seemed clear again, but not a pleasant clear. Everything made sense, but not a pleasant sense. Nothing was a clutter of thoughts and fears anymore – everything was comprehensible.
Bob’s P.O.V.
The day went by, bit by bit – all the days seemed to. Gerard’s decease wasn’t a focus point, but none of us could forget it. We all tried to, but it kept nagging in the back of our heads. Even though we all felt that way, I think I was the one who thought about it the least – or forced myself not to think about it. I can’t face it.
Every time I thought of the ‘situation’, I felt sick – sick by the rising sadness in my throat. I never made it further than that – I didn’t allow myself to. It hurt too much.
“Hey”, Gerard whispered. Even though he came from behind the deckchair, he didn’t frighten me. His voice was in a low, soothing tone, which slowly made me drift out of my thoughts. He came around the front and sat down on the deckchair to the right. I was facing the bus.
“Hi. I thought you were asleep”, I said. I wasn’t quite out of my mental coma of thoughts yet, so I didn’t think about being quiet. The others were asleep on the bus. I couldn’t sleep because of the heat – I guessed Gerard couldn’t either. Even though we had kept the door open, it was still hot as hell in there at night. Throughout the day the tin-can would heat up, and by nightfall it would be hell on earth, and no matter what we did it stayed that way – the only time it was bearable to be in there was in the morning, when the night-air had cooled it down.
“Couldn’t sleep”, he answered. I noticed that he put his hands in his hoodie, before my eyes drifted off and stared into nothing. I didn’t think about anything. It was nice.
“It’s nice out here”, Gerard said. I knew he was trying to start a conversation, but I just wasn’t up for it – maybe because of the time of hour, or maybe because I already knew where it would lead. I didn’t answer. Silence ruled the night for a minute – calming, but awkward.
“How’re you holding up?” I looked at him. He wasn’t looking at me, but at the cigarette between his fingers. I frowned.
“Isn’t that what caused this fucking shit?” I asked angrily and defensively. He looked up at me to see what I was talking about, then looked back down at his cigarette – he looked ashamed. I realized it was a bit harsh, and began to form an apology. Sorry, man. I didn’t mean to be an ass.
“I guess”, he answered, just before I was about to apologize. I looked up at him, and then I knew exactly what to say.
“It’s hard, you know. Seeing you like this. Knowing we can’t help.” His eyes shot up at me.
“You know, we all felt bad that day – when you told us. We all felt bad that we hadn’t figured it out before. I mean – seven weeks is a lot. It’s a long time. Especially when you go through it alone.” His eyes were turning red. So were mine, I think.
“I think we all thought back to those Tuesdays, where we all went out and left you alone. We didn’t know, but we still feel guilty. We should have figured it out.” A tear rolled down Gerard cheek, and I paused to swallow the lump in my throat.
“We love you. You might think that you can go through this alone, but we can’t. We need you.” I felt two tears roll down each of my cheeks. I wiped them away and sniffled. Suck it up!
“I’m sorry”, Gerard whispered. I’m sure he didn’t worry about waking the others – he was hoarse from crying.
“Don’t be”, I whispered back. Silence filled the air for a short while, before Gerard sniffled.
“Why won’t you cry?”
I frowned. It was a weird question. I knew the answer, but the question was just so sudden – it seemed completely random.
It was silent for a while – I didn’t know where to begin. Gerard was always patient – he waited.
“It hurts too much”, I answered simply – my voice low and almost shameful. I looked down at my hands.
“That’s unavoidable.” He was calm. I was calm – collected.
“Not completely. If I don’t think about it, I won’t be sad and it won’t hurt.”
“You can’t just run away from this. You have to face it”, he said – this time more firmly. I looked up and met his eyes. They were sad and almost shocked. I guess he couldn’t understand my point of view. I paused for a bit, before I continued.
“I’ll deal with it, when there’s something definite to deal with. I can’t face something, I don’t know what is.” Gerard kept quiet, so I continued.
“You’re still alive. You’re still here – that’s the important part. If you die I will cry, but for now you’re still here. I refuse to cry twice over the same heartache.” I barely knew what I was saying, but Gerard finally seemed to understand. He didn’t object.
We sat there for a while. My eyes started feeling heavy. I got up, walked over behind Gerard and laid a hand on his shoulder.
“I love you. And I’m not saying goodbye yet”, I said as I squeezed his shoulder. I stayed for a while – thinking of other things to say, but I felt it was all said. Suddenly I felt his hand on top of mine, followed by a gentle squeeze. I squeezed him once more, before I let go and walked toward the bus. I heard Gerard crying softly behind me, but I knew he needed to be alone – just for now. I won’t give up hope. Not until everything is lost.