Spike Me and Save Me

Frank’s P.O.V.

Life seemed to slowly settle back into something normal. Breakfasts were not silent and awkward anymore. We were chatting again – perhaps even at the same level as before. It was hard to remember what “before” was, but it seemed that we were close to it.
Gerard and I were sitting next to each other, Mikey on the other side of the table. The brothers were eating their bacon, while I ate cereal. I could be eating soy bacon, but I was too tired to make it. Gerard’s foot was in between mine. We kept our kisses private – no one knew. I’d rather keep it quiet forever, than not being able to do it at all.

Suddenly Ray came storming in though the open bus door, and continued storming down the hall. He stopped abrupt in front of the table – he had a huge smile on his face. Bob came trotting up the stairs. Ray turned around.

“Move your ass, Bryar!” His voice was insanely cheery. Have I ever heard him like this? Is he going insane? Or is he just stealing my style?
Bob grunted conflicting, but sped up a little and sat next to Mikey. Ray looked like he was about to explode with joy.
“So, Brian called”, he said. I looked at him with an impatient look, but he just returned it with even more excitement. I kept staring at him as his eyes shifted between ours, while a giant smile was splattered all over his face. Heck, even his body resembled a smile. He was starting to annoy me.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, come on!” Bob said – obviously more annoyed than me.

“Okay, okay”, Ray said, taking some of the smile away from his face, so that he was able to talk. He paused for a bit, but continued after Bob let his fist drop to the table.
“We’re playing Madison Square Garden!” He looked like he was about to scream – Mikey beat him to it. He jumped up and started jumping in circles. Bob was no longer mad and jumped up to hug Ray. I was in pure shock. I couldn’t move – I just sat there and sucked it all in. I didn’t snap out of my coma until Gerard crawled over me, got down off the couch on the other side and jumped over to hug Mikey. They looked like two schoolgirls, who had just been accepted onto the cheerleading squad. They were screaming their laughs. Is he gonna be there?
I swallowed. I pushed the thought away. I wanted to get up and jump about like a monkey, but I couldn’t. Something held me back, and I knew what it was.
“It’s not until the beginning of May, but seriously – Madison Square Fucking Garden!” Ray was practically yelling. Bob was already on the phone calling everyone he knew. I was surprised that Mikey hadn’t already told the world. I looked over at him and Gerard – they were still yelling and jumping. Is he gonna be there?
The sadness continued to built inside of me – weighing me down like lead around my angles. I felt sobs build in my throat, but I held them back.
Suddenly Mikey jumped across the table – nearly knocking everything off – and practically flew into a hug with Ray. Gerard followed over the couch – wiser choice – and hugged Bob. I wanted to join them, but I couldn’t get up. My sobs were growing in my throat – pressing against my Adam’s apple.
Worm came up on the bus with a wide smile on his face – he already knew. Mikey released Ray and ran into Worm’s arms. Everyone was cheerful and excited. So was I, but I couldn’t let go of that one thought. Is he gonna be there?
The sobbing started making me sick. It felt like vomit in my throat. My stomach was twisting and my eyes were burning. I started thinking of ways out. If I went to the back of the bus, they would come eventually – worrying – but I couldn’t get past them. In order to get out of the bus, I would have to get past them. I could always crawl out the window.
I couldn’t sit there anymore. My thought was burning in my head – and my heart. I got up quietly and walked towards the bunks. I didn’t know whether to lie down in my bunk or go for the window, so I just walked slowly – quietly towards the bunks.

“Frank?” Gerard called. Shit.
I wanted to vanish – disappear off this earth and not return until I was done crying my heart out. I don’t want you to think you’re hurting me.
I walked slower, but I didn’t stop. I walked past my bunk – it was too cramped. I heard footsteps behind me.
“Frankie?” Gerard called again. This time I stopped. I grabbed onto the slide door to the living area and closed my eyes – tightly. I tried hard to disappear, but soon felt his hand on my shoulder. I let out a sob, but choked back the next. Don’t show him.
I wrenched out of his hold and sat on the couch. I laid my hands between my knees and stared at my fingers. The sadness, the sobs and the tears were building up inside of me – I held them back.
Gerard squatted in front of me and laid his hands on my knees. I knew he was trying to make eye contact, but I couldn’t look into his eyes.
“Frankie?” he whispered. Immediately I broke down – loud sobs escaping my lips, my throat, my heart. In a single heartbeat Gerard was on the couch next to me – holding me. I laid my head on his chest and sobbed like never before. My sobs were so loud that I couldn’t even hear his heart beating. Is it gonna beat in Madison Square Garden?

Gerard’s P.O.V.

Frankie sobbed for a long time. I had no idea how long we sat there – I lost track of time. I am lost in you.
I stroked Frankie’s hair until he fell asleep in my lap. As I looked at him lying there, my thoughts started to trail off. For the first time, in what seemed like an eternity, I thought about the future. And for once, my thoughts didn’t scare me – they weren’t as intimidating as before.
I wanna sit on a porch with the guys on my 80th. No! I wanna be on stage on my 80th with them. Even if I have to sing with an oxygen mask by my side and a cane in my hand, I still wanna ‘strut my stuff’ on a stage and act like the biggest fag in the world.
I looked down at Frank.
Face it, I am the biggest fag in the world.
I leaned down and kissed his forehead.
I wanna be 80 with you.
I smiled to myself as I looked down at his serene face.

“Is he okay?” I looked up at Ray, who was leaning against the open slide door. I turned the corners of my mouth up a little, before I looked back down at Frank. He was completely silent.

“Yeah”, I whispered. I didn’t know how things were going to be when he woke up, but for now – just in that moment – everything was okay.