Spike Me and Save Me

Gerard’s P.O.V.

Frank and I were lying on the couch in the back. His head was resting on my stomach, and I let my hand run through his hair and across his face and neck. He would bat my hand away when I tickled his cheeks, but I did it again and again despite his protests. My mind was all over the place. I was thinking of the past, the future, the present. At that moment, the present scared me the most. My life has never been this perfect before. It has never been this messy. My life is so…confusing. It’s like holding a coin – no matter which side you look at, it will still be the same coin. Even if those two sides are completely different.
I ran a finger down Frank’s left cheek, let it slide across his lips and run up his right cheek. He’s so perfect. I’m just a mess.
I loved Frank. I loved him to death. But there was nothing more than love. I wasn’t gay. Or bi. I just loved my best guy friend. I wasn’t homophobic, but I wasn’t gay. And how I was sure of that was by the fact that I was in love with someone else – a woman. I didn’t love her like I loved Frank, but on the other hand I loved her in a way that I never loved Frank. Frank was cuddles, warmth, safety and comfort. Lyn-Z was squeezes, wet kisses, tongues wrestling, licks and hotness. We hadn’t quiet moved beyond the high school relationship, but we were close to it.
I felt torn. I felt that it was wrong to deceive them both, but I didn’t want to break it with either one. Am I being selfish?
I loved them both – only in different ways. A part of me would feel hollow – incomplete – without both of them there.
I looked down at Frank, who was gently breathing under my hand, which had settled on his chest. I felt his heart beat in my palm, and I could feel his breath circling in the air around me. God, I love him. I could never leave him.

“I’m in love with Lyn-Z,” I whispered. He opened his eyes and stared ahead. He seemed slightly shocked. I felt guilty. I felt that I was betraying him – hurting him. I looked down at my own chest, and felt sorrow and emptiness when I saw his hair disappear and didn’t feel the weight of him on my chest and stomach anymore. I kept my eyes down in shame. And fear. I felt his eyes on me, but they weren’t harsh.

“I still love Jamia,” he whispered. I looked up at him slightly surprised. Our eyes met, and I immediately saw the understanding look in his eyes. It relieved me. I love you so god damn much.
I leaned forward and let our lips meet in an innocent kiss, before we broke it off and resumed to our lying positions, only this time Frank’s chest was on my stomach. He rested his cheek on my black t-shirt – he looked so perfect. A few moments of silence drifted by, before he lifted his head, put his chin on my chest and looked up at me.

“If we kept this a secret…” I looked him deeply in the eyes, and was relived when I saw that he was serious. We smiled slightly at each other. We both knew. Our hearts will be parted in two – one half for the women in our lives, and another half for each other. The half of each our hearts will form one whole.