Spike Me and Save Me

Gerard’s P.O.V.

I was finally heading home. Worm had picked me up, but luckily there were no fans to spot anywhere. Hopefully no one knew about my hospital visit. It would cause too many questions. Questions I weren’t prepared to answer – that I wouldn’t know how to answer.
I was leaning my head against the window, looking in the rear-view mirror to see what we had past and not what we were headed for.

“Come on, man! Cheer up. You’re finally out of there”, Worm said. I lifted my head from the window and turned to look up at him. He was smiling encouraging at me, before facing back to keep an eye on the road. I couldn’t help but to smile. He was a big guy, but his heart was at least three times the size of his robust figure. I smiled lightly, thinking of how he always made me feel safe – good quality for a bodyguard. I let me eyes run down his tattooed neck to his tattooed arm. I followed his arm up to the steering wheel and looked at his hands. Ten to two – my dad’s constant comment when he taught me how to drive. I always let my hands slide down, holding them closer to twenty to four. I guess it’s a disciplinary thing, or maybe your hand placement represents at what time you get out of bed – I’ve always been fucking lazy.
Shit. My dad – my parents. My entire family. I had to tell them. Who should I tell first? Mikey. I have to tell Mikey. He’s always been there for me, plus he’s my brother – my blood.
The band should know too. Come on, I spent every-fucking-day with them. They need to know.
Worm should know too. Should I tell him? He’s right there.
I looked up at him again – staring at his eyes behind those thick, black glasses of his. I opened my mouth, but as soon as I made the first little tone, I regretted it. I shot my lips back together to lock in any words that might be in there. I turned my head quickly, forcing my eyes to look out the window. I can’t hurt him like that.

“Did you say something?” Worm asked. I felt his eyes on me, but I didn’t turn to look at him. Instead I squeezed my eyes tightly – trying to prevent the tears, which were building up. I soon had them under control and I turned my face to look out the windshield.

“No”, I squealed – my voice cracking at the end. I cleared my throat, put a smile on my lips and looked up at him – desperately trying to convince him that I was fine. I knew as soon as he looked at me that he didn’t believe my pathetic attempt. His empty eyes got filled with worry as soon as they met mine. His eyebrows curled up, wrinkles forming over the thick nosepiece of his glasses.
When his eyes shot back to focus on the road, I felt a sudden guilt building up inside of me. I felt like I had lied to him. I turned my head away from him and tilted it back onto the window. At first I looked at the stripes on the road, which were a blur at this speed. I then looked in the rear-view mirror again, watching everything behind me getting smaller.

“Seriously Gerard, are you okay?” Worm said and soon after I felt his hand on my shoulder. I can’t tell him. It’s too hard. I can’t stand seeing him in pain – especially pain that I have caused.
My eyes were tearing up slightly, but I just blinked and mentally shook my head. Pull it together.

“I’m fine.” I knew I had to give him a reason for my silence. “Being in there just brought back some bad memories, you know.” He knew what I meant. And I didn’t lie. While being in there I had thought about my past hospital visits – the stomach pumps, the sobering up, grandma. Yet that was not the reason I was so silent, but I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him the truth.
Worm nodded and let me stare into the rear-view mirror for the rest of the ride back to the tour. The thought of not going back had crossed my mind after the doc had told me the news, but I had quickly knocked it out of my head – on stage I always left all baggage behind and just performed. Staying on the tour would only make the situation better.

We took a turn and went onto a dirt road. I saw the gates shutting in the rear view mirror, then turned my head up straight and looked out of the windshield. I took a deep breath, preparing myself to face the guys.
I have to tell Mikey. I’m just gonna wait a little while, then pull him aside and tell him. He needs to know.
Worm stopped the car in front of our tour bus – my door being close to the door of the bus. As I stepped onto the dirt, the bus door opened and out stepped Ray. His hair blew into his face in the wind. He threw his head to the side to get it away, but it went right back to his face a second later. It made me laugh inside, forcing me to smile.

“Hey buddy! Back from the dead already, huh?” he said, returning my smile in the process. He put an arm around me and walked me to the bus. Mikey greeted me with a hug as soon as I got up the three little steps. Bob and Frank were sitting in the kitchen area – they just said a hello and a welcome back, which I felt was more appropriate than the hugs. I hadn’t died – I just bumped my head. Technically…
I sat down next to Bob, facing Frank who was sitting on the other sofa. I smiled at him, and he smiled back – his slightly yellow teeth showing. My thoughts trailed off for a second – imagining my tongue running over those teeth, his smell and taste becoming one in my mouth as my lips made contact with his.

“So, want some coffee?” Mikey asked walking passed me towards the coffee-machine. I snapped out of my thoughts and looked over at my brother. I have to tell him.

“Yeah, please”, I said. My smile drowned in concern. How’s he gonna react?
Before I knew it, he was heading back to me with a mug in each hand. He handed me one, then patted the back of his hand against Frank’s arm – signing him to move over. Frank slid over and Mikey sat down. I took a sip of the very hot coffee while staring at Mikey. I can’t do it. It’ll break him. I can’t tell him.
I took one more sip before I realized that I wasn’t able to tell any of them. No one will know.