Spike Me and Save Me
Everybody Hurts
Worm’s P.O.V.
Every night since his birthday, Gerard wore those fucking skeleton PJ’s Bob got him. The reason it was a ‘fucking’ PJ was by the fact that they had started to smell – badly. I would’ve convinced Gerard to wash it, but there was one problem – I wasn’t able to stay in the same room as him long enough to do so. I think the last time I even looked him in the eye was on his birthday.
I tried convincing myself that it was the pyjamas and the fact that I was supposed to be protecting him – them – but I always knew I was kidding myself. I knew I was running away. I knew that I was avoiding it. I even knew it was a fucking bad idea to do so, but fuck! It was all so messed up! The job description said ‘bodyguard’, not ‘best friend’!
“Worm!” someone yelled. Always fucking yelling! But heck, at least it’s not a friend-like thing to do.
“Worm, hey,” Ray said – seeming out of breath – as he sat down on the deckchair across from me.
“So I flipped through our calendar, and I realized that Gerard is supposed to have a round of chemo on the 30th, but the thing is that we have a show that day, so Gerard’s postponing his treatment one day.” Ray barely breathed as he talked, but I actually preferred that – it meant that the conversation would be over a lot faster.
“But since he’s doing so, the treatment after that would be the day before MSG.” As Ray said it, my stomach started aching and burning, along with my throat and my eyes. Ray finally took a breath, and the silence drove me crazy. Just say what you wanna say and fuck the fuck off! I’m your bodyguard! I’m not your fucking friend!
As the thought passed my mind, I looked over at him. I didn’t mean that! I didn’t mean that!
“He says he figures he can handle it, but I thought that it might be best if he spent the night at the hospital, ‘cause I’m sure the doctors and nurses would know how to make him feel better and shit.” Ray was rambling. I’m sure he barely even knew what he was saying.
“Sure,” I said absent-mindedly. Even though I barely knew what I was agreeing to, I assumed it was something clever.
“The thing then is that we might have to set up a day before, ya’ know? Like, do sound checks and shit before. I don’t know.” Ray trailed off. So did my mind. It would take a lot of re-programming. We would have to drive all night to get there and do so. It’s gonna be fucking stressful. Is that even good for Gee? Stress? Doesn’t that make the blood flow faster and thereby the cancer and… Shit! Stop! Time-out!
I stared at the SUV parked in front of the bus. I tried to put my mind back on all the re-arranging it would take to pull it all off, but the back of my head seemed to have a life of its own – cut off from the rest of my brain. I’ll have to arrange it with the driver, and the Madison people, and Gee’s gonna have his chemo, and we have to set up a lot faster, and Gee has to go first, and he’s gonna be in the hospital, and the crew needs to know, and Brian, and the needle, and the…
“Yeah,” I interrupted myself. I had to – I was fucking stressing. I even felt nauseous.
“Yeah, we need to take care of that.” I had no idea where to start. Call Madison? Call the crew? Their asleep.
“I’m gonna call Brian and have him deal with it,” Ray said. Brian… Right! Fuck! This isn’t my job. My job is security. What the fuck do I care if they don’t make… Okay, I care, but…
I shook my head as I felt Ray’s hand pat my shoulder and walk past me towards the bus door.
“Night, man,” he said. I couldn’t even answer. What am I? Their friend? Their bodyguard? Their gorilla? Their buddy? Fuck, what are they to me?
I tried thinking of all the years we’d spent together, but all I was able to think of was the last 8 months. Is Gee gonna be well enough to perform at Madison? Will he…
I swallowed the lump in my throat. Is he gonna last that long?
The thought knocked the wind out of me, but it came back to me a few seconds after as I sucked in a sharp breath of air, which made my eyes burn. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. He’s made it this far – something must be going right.
I squeezed my eyes together as I felt the burning fade along with the pain in my gut. He’s gonna be okay. He is.
I opened my eyes to face absolutely nothing – I enjoyed the emptiness.
Every night since his birthday, Gerard wore those fucking skeleton PJ’s Bob got him. The reason it was a ‘fucking’ PJ was by the fact that they had started to smell – badly. I would’ve convinced Gerard to wash it, but there was one problem – I wasn’t able to stay in the same room as him long enough to do so. I think the last time I even looked him in the eye was on his birthday.
I tried convincing myself that it was the pyjamas and the fact that I was supposed to be protecting him – them – but I always knew I was kidding myself. I knew I was running away. I knew that I was avoiding it. I even knew it was a fucking bad idea to do so, but fuck! It was all so messed up! The job description said ‘bodyguard’, not ‘best friend’!
“Worm!” someone yelled. Always fucking yelling! But heck, at least it’s not a friend-like thing to do.
“Worm, hey,” Ray said – seeming out of breath – as he sat down on the deckchair across from me.
“So I flipped through our calendar, and I realized that Gerard is supposed to have a round of chemo on the 30th, but the thing is that we have a show that day, so Gerard’s postponing his treatment one day.” Ray barely breathed as he talked, but I actually preferred that – it meant that the conversation would be over a lot faster.
“But since he’s doing so, the treatment after that would be the day before MSG.” As Ray said it, my stomach started aching and burning, along with my throat and my eyes. Ray finally took a breath, and the silence drove me crazy. Just say what you wanna say and fuck the fuck off! I’m your bodyguard! I’m not your fucking friend!
As the thought passed my mind, I looked over at him. I didn’t mean that! I didn’t mean that!
“He says he figures he can handle it, but I thought that it might be best if he spent the night at the hospital, ‘cause I’m sure the doctors and nurses would know how to make him feel better and shit.” Ray was rambling. I’m sure he barely even knew what he was saying.
“Sure,” I said absent-mindedly. Even though I barely knew what I was agreeing to, I assumed it was something clever.
“The thing then is that we might have to set up a day before, ya’ know? Like, do sound checks and shit before. I don’t know.” Ray trailed off. So did my mind. It would take a lot of re-programming. We would have to drive all night to get there and do so. It’s gonna be fucking stressful. Is that even good for Gee? Stress? Doesn’t that make the blood flow faster and thereby the cancer and… Shit! Stop! Time-out!
I stared at the SUV parked in front of the bus. I tried to put my mind back on all the re-arranging it would take to pull it all off, but the back of my head seemed to have a life of its own – cut off from the rest of my brain. I’ll have to arrange it with the driver, and the Madison people, and Gee’s gonna have his chemo, and we have to set up a lot faster, and Gee has to go first, and he’s gonna be in the hospital, and the crew needs to know, and Brian, and the needle, and the…
“Yeah,” I interrupted myself. I had to – I was fucking stressing. I even felt nauseous.
“Yeah, we need to take care of that.” I had no idea where to start. Call Madison? Call the crew? Their asleep.
“I’m gonna call Brian and have him deal with it,” Ray said. Brian… Right! Fuck! This isn’t my job. My job is security. What the fuck do I care if they don’t make… Okay, I care, but…
I shook my head as I felt Ray’s hand pat my shoulder and walk past me towards the bus door.
“Night, man,” he said. I couldn’t even answer. What am I? Their friend? Their bodyguard? Their gorilla? Their buddy? Fuck, what are they to me?
I tried thinking of all the years we’d spent together, but all I was able to think of was the last 8 months. Is Gee gonna be well enough to perform at Madison? Will he…
I swallowed the lump in my throat. Is he gonna last that long?
The thought knocked the wind out of me, but it came back to me a few seconds after as I sucked in a sharp breath of air, which made my eyes burn. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. He’s made it this far – something must be going right.
I squeezed my eyes together as I felt the burning fade along with the pain in my gut. He’s gonna be okay. He is.
I opened my eyes to face absolutely nothing – I enjoyed the emptiness.
♠ ♠ ♠
Dramatic? No?Trust me; soon to come: Drama!