Spike Me and Save Me
Bohemian Rhapsody
Gerard’s P.O.V.
After our last show in Philly, we only signed a few autographs before we got on the bus to go to New York. Even though it was regular policy for no one to sleep while the bus was moving, the driver made an exception and let me sleep the whole ride. He only had two conditions: 1. I wasn’t allowed to sleep in the bunks, but had to sleep on the bed in the back; and 2. Someone had to keep an eye on me, so that if anything happened then someone would catch me, or stop me, or whatever. When I went to sleep, Mikey was sitting next to me. I woke up once along the way, by Mikey getting up.
“Go get some coffee,” I heard Frank whisper. It was easy to keep my eyes closed, but it wasn’t easy to suppress my smirk. I knew Mikey had fallen asleep. I let my muscles get the best of me for a brief moment, before I quickly withdrew it. Neither of them had seemed to notice. I heard Mikey drag his feet away, and I felt the bed slightly give in when Frank sat down next to me. I tried drifting off again, when I suddenly felt Frank move. I didn’t make much of it, but when I felt his one hand lay on my waist, and the other stroking soft circles between my shoulder blades, I felt a warm, soothing feeling slowly flow through me. As it slowly spread, it seemed my every muscle was paralysed by it. I’d never felt more relaxed, nor safer than at that moment. The last thought my mind was able to compose before it gave in to the warmth, was that it was the second time Frank’s presence had lulled me to sleep.
When I woke up, it was by someone softly shaking my shoulder. I slowly rolled onto my back and opened my eyes.
“We gotta get going,” Worm said softly. I nodded slowly, and rubbed my eyes as I sat up. I had to go to the Garden to do sound check before the chemo. I made sure to stay very silent as I put my clothes on and made my way through the bus. The other guys would sleep while I did my sound check, doing theirs late. We would then have one last sound check just before they opened the doors for the fans.
Worm followed me across the parking lot to the back entrance, and as we walked through the narrow hallways, I got worried about him. He hasn’t slept for 24 hours, and now he has to be awake for a whole day looking out for us.
I thought about sending him back to the bus to get some sleep, but I knew that after the sound check, he would have to drive me to the hospital. No one else knows I’m even going there, and no one else will!
I kept worrying as we walked through the hall, but as soon as I stepped through the open doors to the big stadium, every worry of my entire body went away. I couldn’t shape a single thought, as my huge eyes took in the sight of the great stadium. I kept walking as my neck twisted to look around and see all the empty seats around me. After a while, my legs seemed to stop working, and I stood still – jaw still dropped and neck still twisting. With a single move I turned around. I felt my breath get caught way down in my lungs, when I saw the big stage in front of me. That was when my mind kicked in again. This is really happening. This is for real. We’re playing here! We’re fucking playing here! This is the biggest fucking thing EVER! This is the peak. This is the fucking Everest of music! And we fucking made it!
My face was now one humongous smile. I felt the excitement and anticipation burn in my stomach. I thought about crying for a second, but even I thought that would be too much. Besides, I had a sound check to do.
Worm’s P.O.V.
During Gerard’s sound check, I was lucky enough to find a vacant chair off to the side. God, I’m tired!
I rested my eyes and my body, and as I sat there, all sounds around me seemed to drift away slowly. I knew I was falling asleep, but I didn’t fight it.
Gerard’s P.O.V.
When all the sound guys had finally had enough of me, I spent about five minutes looking for Worm. I found him sleeping on a chair in the hallway we entered through, and I let him sleep for another ten. He hasn’t had any sleep for more than 24 hours! He deserves it. He deserves a lot more than he has. He deserves so much better than this.
I leaned against the wall across from his resting-place, while I stared at him. They all do.
I thought about my cancer, and then cancer in general. That’s what’s real fucked up about this shit: Everyone suffers. It’s not just the person who gets it that suffers, but everyone around that person too. Everyone I’ve ever known, touched, loved. Anyone I’ve ever meant something to. God! I’m the worst person in the world this could happen to. But fuck! It sucks for everyone! What makes me better than some lonely guy? Everyone suffers! The entire world loses a person. Whether it’s me or some homeless guy – we all lose…us. We lose each other. We lose. We’re all fucking losing to…fate. To life.
My mind stopped working for a about a minute, before I shook my head, looked down at my watch and realized that I had to wake up Worm.
“Hey! Worm.” He stirred.
“We gotta go,” I said as I laid a hand on his shoulder. He straightened up on the chair and rubbed his eye before he got up.
“M-kay,” he said. In the car towards the hospital, the thought of Worm maybe falling asleep at the wheel crossed my mind, but I quickly discarded it. He knows his limit. He always has.
While I sat in the doctor’s office waiting for a doctor to tell me how much poison they were gonna give me, all I could think about was the show we were to do. Mikey was right! Mikey was fucking right. We did make it. We fucking made it!
I heard the door behind me open, and even before it closed I knew it was impossible for me to wipe the smile off of my face. I got up and shook the doctor’s hand – barely even catching his name over my inner joy – and sat down when he did.
“So, Mr. Way,” he said seriously as he opened what I assumed was my file. Of course it’s mine.
“We’ve had a chance to look at your file, and compare your past blood results to the results we got with the tests we did.” He looked me straight in the eyes, and somehow I knew what he was going to say even before he said it. My smile faded quickly.
“I’m afraid that there’s nothing more we can do.” My world stopped at that point. My entire body froze. So did my mind. I heard every word the doctor said beyond that moment, but it didn’t seem to make any sense. The words all seemed foreign to me.
“You have gotten the strongest chemotherapy possible, but unfortunately it has not had enough of an effect. The cancer is still spreading. The chemotherapy has slowed down the cancer, but unfortunately it has not been able to neutralize it. I’m sorry to tell you this, but there is nothing more we can do. Continuing the therapy would have no effect.” I felt tears burning in the back of my eyes, but I was too shocked to cry. My entire body was completely frozen, numb and… dead. I’m dying. This is it. This is my final countdown. This is the end.
“I’m so sorry,” the doctor said one last time, before I seemed to regain a slight bit of control.
“Is it possible for me to spent the night here?” I can’t go back. If I go back, they’ll all know. I can’t do that. I can’t tell them now. We have one last show – the show of our lives. We need to do that. We need to play full force. They won’t be able to do that if they know.
“Spent the night?” the doctor asked with a confused look on his face. I thought about lying – telling him that I was afraid for my mental health if I went home – but for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to do so.
“I can’t go home. I can’t tell everyone yet,” I said, and it wasn’t until I heard my own shaky voice that I realized I was crying. I was actually surprised when the doctor nodded and started calling around to find me a private room. I felt gratitude wash over me, when he told me everything was arranged. I got up and hugged him tightly, before I followed a nurse to my room.
That night I didn’t get a round of chemotherapy, but I did throw up. I was nervous about telling everyone. I have to tell my parents. Lyn-Z. Brian. The fans. The world. I have to tell them I’m sick. And I have to tell them I’m dying. I have to tell the guys that I’m dying.
It tore me apart thinking of all the people I would hurt, but the fear of dying was gripping my stomach – twisting and turning it like crazy. I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die.
The fear was twisting in my stomach. The nervousness was squeezing in my chest. The sadness was pressing in my throat. All those things combined had me kissing the porcelain twice. Even though I was still scared, nervous and sad after the second time, all I was hoping for was for the smell of my vomit to stay in the bathroom, so that the guys wouldn’t suspect that anything was off. I need them to think everything’s okay. This needs to be their best show ever. It has to be. It’s gonna be.
After our last show in Philly, we only signed a few autographs before we got on the bus to go to New York. Even though it was regular policy for no one to sleep while the bus was moving, the driver made an exception and let me sleep the whole ride. He only had two conditions: 1. I wasn’t allowed to sleep in the bunks, but had to sleep on the bed in the back; and 2. Someone had to keep an eye on me, so that if anything happened then someone would catch me, or stop me, or whatever. When I went to sleep, Mikey was sitting next to me. I woke up once along the way, by Mikey getting up.
“Go get some coffee,” I heard Frank whisper. It was easy to keep my eyes closed, but it wasn’t easy to suppress my smirk. I knew Mikey had fallen asleep. I let my muscles get the best of me for a brief moment, before I quickly withdrew it. Neither of them had seemed to notice. I heard Mikey drag his feet away, and I felt the bed slightly give in when Frank sat down next to me. I tried drifting off again, when I suddenly felt Frank move. I didn’t make much of it, but when I felt his one hand lay on my waist, and the other stroking soft circles between my shoulder blades, I felt a warm, soothing feeling slowly flow through me. As it slowly spread, it seemed my every muscle was paralysed by it. I’d never felt more relaxed, nor safer than at that moment. The last thought my mind was able to compose before it gave in to the warmth, was that it was the second time Frank’s presence had lulled me to sleep.
When I woke up, it was by someone softly shaking my shoulder. I slowly rolled onto my back and opened my eyes.
“We gotta get going,” Worm said softly. I nodded slowly, and rubbed my eyes as I sat up. I had to go to the Garden to do sound check before the chemo. I made sure to stay very silent as I put my clothes on and made my way through the bus. The other guys would sleep while I did my sound check, doing theirs late. We would then have one last sound check just before they opened the doors for the fans.
Worm followed me across the parking lot to the back entrance, and as we walked through the narrow hallways, I got worried about him. He hasn’t slept for 24 hours, and now he has to be awake for a whole day looking out for us.
I thought about sending him back to the bus to get some sleep, but I knew that after the sound check, he would have to drive me to the hospital. No one else knows I’m even going there, and no one else will!
I kept worrying as we walked through the hall, but as soon as I stepped through the open doors to the big stadium, every worry of my entire body went away. I couldn’t shape a single thought, as my huge eyes took in the sight of the great stadium. I kept walking as my neck twisted to look around and see all the empty seats around me. After a while, my legs seemed to stop working, and I stood still – jaw still dropped and neck still twisting. With a single move I turned around. I felt my breath get caught way down in my lungs, when I saw the big stage in front of me. That was when my mind kicked in again. This is really happening. This is for real. We’re playing here! We’re fucking playing here! This is the biggest fucking thing EVER! This is the peak. This is the fucking Everest of music! And we fucking made it!
My face was now one humongous smile. I felt the excitement and anticipation burn in my stomach. I thought about crying for a second, but even I thought that would be too much. Besides, I had a sound check to do.
Worm’s P.O.V.
During Gerard’s sound check, I was lucky enough to find a vacant chair off to the side. God, I’m tired!
I rested my eyes and my body, and as I sat there, all sounds around me seemed to drift away slowly. I knew I was falling asleep, but I didn’t fight it.
Gerard’s P.O.V.
When all the sound guys had finally had enough of me, I spent about five minutes looking for Worm. I found him sleeping on a chair in the hallway we entered through, and I let him sleep for another ten. He hasn’t had any sleep for more than 24 hours! He deserves it. He deserves a lot more than he has. He deserves so much better than this.
I leaned against the wall across from his resting-place, while I stared at him. They all do.
I thought about my cancer, and then cancer in general. That’s what’s real fucked up about this shit: Everyone suffers. It’s not just the person who gets it that suffers, but everyone around that person too. Everyone I’ve ever known, touched, loved. Anyone I’ve ever meant something to. God! I’m the worst person in the world this could happen to. But fuck! It sucks for everyone! What makes me better than some lonely guy? Everyone suffers! The entire world loses a person. Whether it’s me or some homeless guy – we all lose…us. We lose each other. We lose. We’re all fucking losing to…fate. To life.
My mind stopped working for a about a minute, before I shook my head, looked down at my watch and realized that I had to wake up Worm.
“Hey! Worm.” He stirred.
“We gotta go,” I said as I laid a hand on his shoulder. He straightened up on the chair and rubbed his eye before he got up.
“M-kay,” he said. In the car towards the hospital, the thought of Worm maybe falling asleep at the wheel crossed my mind, but I quickly discarded it. He knows his limit. He always has.
While I sat in the doctor’s office waiting for a doctor to tell me how much poison they were gonna give me, all I could think about was the show we were to do. Mikey was right! Mikey was fucking right. We did make it. We fucking made it!
I heard the door behind me open, and even before it closed I knew it was impossible for me to wipe the smile off of my face. I got up and shook the doctor’s hand – barely even catching his name over my inner joy – and sat down when he did.
“So, Mr. Way,” he said seriously as he opened what I assumed was my file. Of course it’s mine.
“We’ve had a chance to look at your file, and compare your past blood results to the results we got with the tests we did.” He looked me straight in the eyes, and somehow I knew what he was going to say even before he said it. My smile faded quickly.
“I’m afraid that there’s nothing more we can do.” My world stopped at that point. My entire body froze. So did my mind. I heard every word the doctor said beyond that moment, but it didn’t seem to make any sense. The words all seemed foreign to me.
“You have gotten the strongest chemotherapy possible, but unfortunately it has not had enough of an effect. The cancer is still spreading. The chemotherapy has slowed down the cancer, but unfortunately it has not been able to neutralize it. I’m sorry to tell you this, but there is nothing more we can do. Continuing the therapy would have no effect.” I felt tears burning in the back of my eyes, but I was too shocked to cry. My entire body was completely frozen, numb and… dead. I’m dying. This is it. This is my final countdown. This is the end.
“I’m so sorry,” the doctor said one last time, before I seemed to regain a slight bit of control.
“Is it possible for me to spent the night here?” I can’t go back. If I go back, they’ll all know. I can’t do that. I can’t tell them now. We have one last show – the show of our lives. We need to do that. We need to play full force. They won’t be able to do that if they know.
“Spent the night?” the doctor asked with a confused look on his face. I thought about lying – telling him that I was afraid for my mental health if I went home – but for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to do so.
“I can’t go home. I can’t tell everyone yet,” I said, and it wasn’t until I heard my own shaky voice that I realized I was crying. I was actually surprised when the doctor nodded and started calling around to find me a private room. I felt gratitude wash over me, when he told me everything was arranged. I got up and hugged him tightly, before I followed a nurse to my room.
That night I didn’t get a round of chemotherapy, but I did throw up. I was nervous about telling everyone. I have to tell my parents. Lyn-Z. Brian. The fans. The world. I have to tell them I’m sick. And I have to tell them I’m dying. I have to tell the guys that I’m dying.
It tore me apart thinking of all the people I would hurt, but the fear of dying was gripping my stomach – twisting and turning it like crazy. I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die.
The fear was twisting in my stomach. The nervousness was squeezing in my chest. The sadness was pressing in my throat. All those things combined had me kissing the porcelain twice. Even though I was still scared, nervous and sad after the second time, all I was hoping for was for the smell of my vomit to stay in the bathroom, so that the guys wouldn’t suspect that anything was off. I need them to think everything’s okay. This needs to be their best show ever. It has to be. It’s gonna be.