Spike Me and Save Me

Gerard’s P.O.V.

I didn’t get much sleep that night. I stayed up thinking. I thought about the past, the preset and the future – my short future. All these years with them. And I’m not even sure I’ve appreciated them enough. I’ve taken them for granted. All of them. Every single moment. For granted. Unappreciated. Some even forgotten. Yet even though, I know my life has been perfect. I don’t think it could’ve been any better. Everything meant something – everything had its point. I hated the alcohol, the pills, the drugs, but in the end it all had a point. There was a reason I’ve done it. It was something I had to do. If I hadn’t done it, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be the person that I am. None of the people around me would’ve been who they are. I miss my grandmother, but I know now that it was her time. It was nothing I or anyone else did – it was her time. It was meant to be. Everything was. Everything is. Everyone is. If I hadn’t been through all of this – experienced it all – I wouldn’t have Lyn-Z. I wouldn’t have Frank. I might’ve been alone. Or dead…
I looked around the room, and even though I found myself alone, I had never felt more loved, lucky or blessed. I have all the love I need. All I need. My life is perfect. I regret nothing. I don’t need to live the last part of my life doing something I feel I need to do – I’ve done it all. I’ve done all I need to do. I’m okay.
I lay down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. Our last show. Our last show ever. My last show at least. I’m gonna fucking rock it! I’m gonna deliver the best performance of my life! Give it my everything. I’m gonna leave all baggage behind, and just fucking perform. Doubts. Fears. Hopes. Dreams. Leave it all behind. Everything… Anything… Nothing. As soon as I step onto that stage, I’m gonna be fucking reincarnated. It’s gonna be like a fucking rebirth. I’m gonna leave everyone stunned. Shocked. Amazed. And I need the guys to back me up. Help me do this. Help me leave everyone amazed.
I swallowed a beginning lump in my throat. I can’t tell them before the show. I can’t give them that burden before they go on stage. They need to enjoy this night. We all do. But when can I tell them? I can’t do it right after. Then they’re still in their post-show bliss. They deserve to enjoy that to it’s fullest. They deserve to enjoy the entire day. And night. But after that, we’re all going home. I need to tell them before we go home. The day after tomorrow. The day after the show. The last show.
With that decision made, I sat up. I’m gonna tell them what? What am I gonna say? Can I tell them? Can I look them in the eye?
I got up and walked into the bathroom. I felt slightly relieved and content when the smell of vomit burned in my nostrils. I leaned the heels of my palms on the sink, before I lifted my head and stared myself in the mirror. I studied my face, as I thought about lying in an open casket for everyone to see. I imagined my funeral – everything in black and red, people crying. People dancing?
I smiled a little, before I continued studying at my face. I leaned in closer, and saw every pore on my nose and my cheeks. I lifted my eyes slightly, and I stared myself intensely in the eye. As I stood there – staring at my own eyes – it suddenly hit me how much Mikey’s eyes and mine looked alike. If I can tell myself – my own eyes – then I can tell Mikey. And then I can tell the rest of the guys. The rest of my family. The rest of the world.

When the guys came the next day, we were in a bit of a hurry. We had one last sound check to do before the Garden opened their doors, and since there were a lot of people coming, they opened the doors early. I quickly made it into the SUV, when it pulled up in front of the hospital.

“Hey dude!” Ray said, and I was surprised by the fact that he was the one picking me up.

“Hey! Where’s Worm?” I asked, since it was usually Worm who drove people around.

“I was worried about him,” Ray said, before he started the car and drove away from the hospital.
“I told him to get some rest.” Ray turned his head a billion times in every direction, before he finally turned onto the road.
“I plan on waking him up a few hours before we go on,” he said with a hint of sneakiness in his voice. I smirked and shook my head slightly, as I looked in the rear view mirror to check on traffic. Reflex.
“So, how did it go?” I turned my head to look at him – slightly confused. How'd what go?
“How’re you feeling?” It hit me like a lightning from a clear sky – the chemo. I’ve prepared an entire fucking speech for tomorrow, and I haven’t even thought about what to tell them now.
I ran through a few lies, when the easiest passed my mind.

“I’m okay,” I said – a little uncomfortable.
“I feel pretty good.” Technically it wasn’t a lie, but at the same time it was the biggest lie in the world.

“So, you’re ready to sing? To perform?” Ray sounded cautious, and I even seemed to sense a bit of worry in his voice. I immediately wanted to rid him of all that.

“Hell yeah!” I exclaimed loudly as I smiled at him. He stopped at a red light and turned his head to look at me. When he smiled back, I leaned towards him and grabbed his upper-arm with both of my hands.
“We’re playing Madison Fucking Square Fucking Garden!!” I yelled while I shook, pulled and tore at his arm. He laughed loudly and batted my hands off of him when the lights turned green. At that moment, a line from a lyric I once read came to mind. Love is when someone you trust cuts a smile in your face.
At my worst, this guy – and the other 4 back at the bus – could make me smile.