Spike Me and Save Me

Gerard’s P.O.V.

This was it. This was the night – our night. As we went down the hall towards the stage, I felt the adrenalin pump through my heart and my every blood vessel. When I heard the millions of voices of the crowd, everything inside me grew. I felt the adrenalin increase, along with my anticipation and excitement. I jumped up and down a few times while I shook my entire body to make sure I was fully awake and warmed up for it.
When the lights went out, my breath got caught in my chest as I heard the crowd roar, scream and yell. I couldn’t help but close my eyes and enjoy the moment to it’s fullest. While I stood there, one of our own songs came to mind. It was the roar of the crowd that gave me heartache to sing. And was a lie when they smiled and said ‘you won’t feel a thing’.
I opened my eyes slowly and stared ahead into the dark. I’m gonna hurt them all. Dying is the fucking hardest thing I’ll ever have to do.
Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I turned my head to see Frank leaning over my shoulder and staring ahead into the dark.

“This is it!” he screamed in my ear.
“This is the show of our fucking lives!” He smiled wide at me, before he gave me a peck on the lips. I didn’t make much of it – I was too exited to do so. We both turned around to face the rest of the guys, and I laughed with joy as we high-fived each other. Mikey slung an arm around my neck, before we stepped on stage.

“We made it! We fucking made it!” he screamed into my ear, and I knew exactly what he referred to. He’s always believed in this band – maybe more than any of us.
I held onto him as we walked onto stage in the dark, and patted him on his back before I let him go over to grab his bass. I found the mike in the dark, and held onto it. My mind wasn’t working. I couldn’t think of anything. The adrenalin in me was rushing so fast that I had no chance of forming a single clear thought. I rolled back and forth on my feet, when suddenly the lights went on, and the crowd screamed even louder than before. The sound and the sight and the feel of the crowd gave me goose bumps all over, and I loved every single one of them.
When we kicked into the first song, I immediately started jumping, running, walking, prancing, dancing, and spinning around on the stage, and I subconsciously looked over at each of the guys as we played each song. I wanted to see them. Fell them. Focus on each of their instrument for just a second during each song, to make sure I would remember every fucking millisecond of the night. This is what I want to remember them as – as the guys I fucking admire.
When we’d played the first few songs, I placed my mike back in the stand and looked out onto the crowd.

“These guys,” I started, before I turned my head and looked at the guys around me. I was out of breath, but I could barely feel it over the adrenalin.
“These guys are my fucking heroes!” I yelled out. The crowd roared loudly, and it made me smile.
“And you know what?” I asked them – a completely rhetorical question. I stretched my arm and index finger out towards the crowd.
“You are my fucking heroes!” I screamed into the microphone, and the response from the crowd lasted several minutes. During those minutes I walked back towards Bob’s pedestal and grabbed a bottle of water. As I took a sip, I looked up and Bob, who then pointed at me with one of his drum sticks. I winked at him with a smile, before I felt someone hugging me.

“Love you, man,” Mikey said into my ear, and I hugged him back before I went back to my mike. We played two more songs, before I got an urging feeling in my gut.

“Can we get some light on the audience, please,” I asked out into the room, hoping the guy in charge of the lights would hear me. He did. When I saw the sea of people, I couldn’t move. It was like I finally realized how many fans we actually had. How many people’s lives we’d actually touched – maybe even changed. They’re all here for us.
“God! You’re fucking beautiful,” I yelled into the mike, and the crowd cheered. I took the mike off of the stand and walked over to Ray, as I hoped the light guy would catch the hint and turn off the lights on the crowd again. He did, and we immediately started playing. I ran around like a maniac, and when we finished the song, I was fucking beat. Luckily we’d made it to the first slow song of the evening, and so I placed the mike back in the stand and held onto it with both of my hands as I stared at my shoes.
When I heard the piano kick in, I felt my chest tighten. I swallowed once. When I wrote this song, I didn’t think it would really happen. To me.
I prepared myself for crying, before I hit the first note. My first words hit me right in the gut, and reminded me of all those times I’d thrown up. Yet then I remembered how the guys had been there for me – helped me. Loved me. I thought of my family – the fact that I had to tell them. Then Frank. I loved him so much, and now I had to leave him. We hadn’t even got a chance to truly prove our love. We had wives now, but that didn’t mean we didn’t love each other just as much. Then it hit me. I’m married. The song doesn’t fit anymore. I’ve changed.
Suddenly the song lost it’s meaning to me. It didn’t reflect any part of my life anymore. It doesn’t belong to me anymore.
I looked out onto the crowd. It’s theirs.
I sang the rest of the song with all my heart.
During the rest of the show, I didn’t sing to the fans – I sang for them. I passed the torch.
When we made it to the last song, I felt nostalgia rush over me. This is it. The end. The finalé – of me.
As I began singing the very first song we ever played, I looked to both my sides. I then picked the mike out of the stand and walked over to Ray. I head banged with him a few times while trying to keep singing. Just like our first show. God, I was drunk! And young. Ray’s hair was fucking nothing back then. But I still loved him. Admired him.
I looked backstage to where I knew Worm was standing, and I made eye contact with him. He’s our fucking rock. He keeps us from losing it. He keeps us safe. He’s protecting us. I wish I could protect him from everything bad.
I walked to my left, and stopped to look up at Bob, who was pounding away on his drums. I’m so fucking lucky to know him. He’s the fucking backbone of the band – the strong one that holds us all up. The first tour with him was so fucking crazy. He’s always been a private person, but still incredibly open with all of us.
I turned around and looked out into the dark, before I walked over to Frank who was standing at the edge of the stage. I stood next to him – facing the crowd – before we turned towards each other. I leaned my forehead on his as he kept playing and I kept singing. I looked him deeply in the eyes. Our first practise was just as intense. He’s intense. I knew that the day we met. When I first saw his eyes. When I first heard his voice. He was radiating intensity.
I tore myself away from Frank, and went over to Mikey. He was standing just behind me – eyes closed while he was strumming away on his bass. I stared at him – took in his dedication and love for what he was doing. It’s like watching my fucking life pass before my eyes. He’s always been there – always been in my life. He’s a fucking constant in my life. I can’t live without him.
Flashes of our childhood, our teenage-hood and adult-hood flashed before my eyes as I stared at him. When I stopped singing, Mikey opened his eyes and smiled at me widely. I smiled back, before I turned around and walked over to the mike-stand. I placed the mike and leaned my hands on it, as I stared out ahead. I heard a few of the guys yell a ‘thank you’ into their mikes as the crowd kept cheering. This is so perfect.

“Thank you,” I said into my mike. I was too mind-blown to yell. This is perfection.
“Thanks to all of you,” I said – a little louder than before, and the crowd seemed to quiet down a slight bit.
“You,” I started, but I didn’t want to yell it. I waited for the crowd to quiet down, and as the silence spread – only interrupted by a few screams – I took a deep breath.
“This band is yours,” I said in my normal voice. The crowd screamed a little, but then went even more silent than before.
“We have lived for you, and we are truly honoured to be in your hearts.” The crowd cheered and screamed.
“You might call me a hero, but I would be nothing without you.” The crowd cheered, and I heard a few girls scream their lungs out.
“These four guys are my heroes,” I said and looked over my shoulders to see them. They were smiling encouraging at me. I turned back to the crowd.
“I wanna thank each and every fan out there for the opportunity to play, tour and live with my heroes.” The crowd cheered, screamed and yelled loudly. I closed my eyes and took it all in. The love. The admiration. The appreciation. The gratitude.
I opened my eyes and turned around to find Mikey standing right behind me. I smiled widely at him, before I walked over and hooked my arm around his neck, and I felt his arm around my waist. We walked off stage like that – arms wrapped around each other. I’d never felt more saved and loved. The crowd was screaming behind us. All the feelings I felt in my heart at that moment warmed me more than a million fires. I changed the world.