Spike Me and Save Me

Gerard’s P.O.V.

We had finally reached the place where we would perform the next few days, and everyone had headed to bed immediately. We weren’t allowed to sleep when the bus was moving, because of safety.
I was sitting in the kitchen area drawing – nothing in particular, just random stuff. I was tired, but I liked it when everyone was asleep and everything was quiet – being on tour with almost a hundred people makes it very hard to catch a moment of complete silence.
This moment was amazingly quiet. It was so serene and relaxing. I was so relaxed that I could barely hold on to my pen as I drew. Eventually I let go of it, and just stared at nothing while I rested the back of my head against the window. I didn’t think of anything – I just let my mind rest.
A sudden thud broke my serenity. My head shot away from its resting place on the window. My head ached for a second from the shock, but settled down once I saw Mikey’s tired eyes smiling at me.

“What are you doing up?” he asked as he rubbed his eye. Even though it had been almost a year since he had his laser surgery, I still hadn’t gotten completely used to seeing him without his glasses. I missed them at times.

“Just drawing. Enjoying the silence”, I said, waving a hand around, as if to show him the silence in the room.
He nodded and walked towards me. He yawned as he sat down on the couch on the other side of the table, resting his elbows on the table, and his head in his hands. He sat like that with his eyes shut for a while, before he lifted his head, opened his eyes and crossed his arms, still resting on the table. He stared at me and I could see the tiredness slowly disappearing in his eyes and being replaced with a worrying and questioning look. I feared what would be coming up.

“Are you okay, Gee?” he asked, his voice less tired now. I swallowed the lump in my throat, as I tried to avoid the sadness welling up in me. I kept eye contact – if I had to lie to him, it would be to his face.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Why do you ask?” I said, acting out my best questioning look. Mikey frowned shortly – as if he detected my acting – before he answered my question.

“You’ve just been kinda… distant, I guess.” I tried to think of an excuse. I knew that I hadn’t spent as much time with them all lately, but I didn’t know that they thought I was distant. I had thought of blaming it on Eliza – saying that I hadn’t fully recovered – but that excuse would be kinda old by now.

“I guess I just… I don’t know. It hasn’t been purposely. I guess I just need some time alone”, I said, perhaps a bit too rough. I had gotten desperate to just get rid of his worry – to get rid of him. I couldn’t handle seeing him hurt like that – that he didn’t know what was going on.
Mikey frowned once more and looked me right in the eye. I felt his look piercing right through me.

“You’d tell me if something was wrong, right?” He just wouldn’t lay off. I was getting more and more tired, which made me more and more annoyed. I felt my eyes tighten up as my annoyance grew within me. Why can’t he just lay off? Is it really that bad to just want some fucking privacy?

“Yes, I would fucking tell you!” I said – annoyance shining through.

“Okay!” he said, shocked. “I’m sorry for worrying abou”

“Don’t worry!” I almost yelled. I’m sure some of the guys woke up from that, but I didn’t care. I just wanted some fucking privacy, and all I got was them being on my back more than ever.
“I just want to be fucking alone! I haven’t been alone for…6 fucking years! I’m sick and tired of everyone being on my back about everything! As soon as I do something slightly off of the usual, you all immediately think something is wrong! Would you please just leave me the fuck alone and let me do whatever the fuck I want?” I definitely yelled this time. I had might even woken up some of the other busses. But I didn’t care. I stomped off, back to my bunk. I threw myself in there and draw the curtain behind me shut. For fucks sake! Just leave me the fuck alone!

The next morning, I woke up and tears immediately rolled down my cheeks – silently. I lied there for a few minutes, before I decided to face my consequences of last night. I wouldn’t blame Mikey if he wouldn’t talk to me. I wouldn’t blame him if he wouldn’t even see me. I’d understand him completely.
I walked towards the kitchen area – no one was there. I looked out the window to see if the guys were sitting out front – they weren’t. I walked over to the coffee machine, but there was no coffee in it. I didn’t know what time it was, but I knew we had an interview at four. Have they already left for that? What time is it?
I walked back to my bunk to get my phone. 2:22. Make a wish.
It would have been too early for them to have left for that already. I walked back to the living area – no one. Where the hell are they?
I decided not to call them. If they wanted to talk, they would be here. They had probably decided to let me cool off. I went back to the kitchen area, started the coffee machine on a new pot and went to get dressed.
When the coffee was done, I sat down on a sofa and slowly drank my poison – my addiction. My mind wandered off. I thought about the alcohol, the meds, the drugs, and the crack. I missed it for a second – missed the feeling of nothing. I missed having all my worries disappear and not remembering anything from the real life. Snap out of it. Eventually you’ll have to face everything again.
I snapped out of my gaze and realized what I had just said to myself. Eventually I’ll have to face everything.