Stain My Rose With Scarlet Tears

This couldn't be happening, this isn't real. My daughter, my beautiful baby girl... Is dead? I refused to believe it, I sensed it, I knew it was coming, but nothing compares to the pain I felt when I heard those words. Sarah... I conceived her, I carried her, I gave birth to her, but now she's gone. It felt like a knife right through my heart. Sarah was me; she was my blood, my bones, my flesh. She looked more like me than I could have ever hoped, and I could never see her grow up.

I was sobbing into Bill’s chest as he cried into my hair. My fingernails dug into Bill’s back, I wanted to hurt myself, but instead, I was hurting him, but it was like he didn’t even feel it. I felt Bill shake his head, mumbling our daughter’s name repeatedly. The tears just kept falling as it sunk in, she’s dead… She’s gone. I finally knew what Bill meant; no one could be strong in a situation like this. We would never be whole again after this; we just lost a part of us. We’ve loved her for so long; she was us, a part that will never come back.

After what felt like an eternity, I looked into my husband’s eyes. He didn’t look at me right away; he looked down at my free hand, and then looked up at me. Neither of us attempted to smile, only reached out to wipe his tears. As I did, I saw a mixture of love and sorrow in his eyes as he ran a shaking hand over my cheek. I never wanted to see him like this; I never thought I would see him like this. So weak, I just wish I could do something to take the hurt away. Without another word to anyone, I stood up, letting go of Bill, walking up to Anna, who was still standing there, watching us sympathetically.

In as much pain as I was in, physically and emotionally, I walked up to the doctor, this was something I had to do. I took a deep breath to calm myself down, then steadied myself against the wall. “Anna… C- Can we s- see her? Please?” I whispered hoarsely. She looked at me unsurely, then back at the war behind her where I knew my daughter still was. She looked back at me, frowning; she took my hand and shook her head. “Sam, I’m not sure that’s the best thing for you right now.” She said quietly, “I mean, you aren’t supposed to be here, this really isn’t good for your health, and Bill was supposed to be back in bed by now.” I looked at her, wondering if she even understood the way we felt right now. What do those things even matter? Our baby just died, and she wants us to get some rest? That won’t happen.

I looked back at Bill, who was now standing right behind me. I felt him place a hand on my shoulder, pulling me towards him, I was no resting in his arms as we stood there, waiting for an answer. "Anna, please, you know we can't go on like this, we have to see her." Bill said softly. He wanted this just as much as I did; she had to let us in. We watched her intensely for a moment; she gave us both an unsure look, but finally nodded. "Okay, but please, be careful." She said, opening the doors for us. I knew what she meant by that, we were about to see our dead daughter, it was bound to hurt, like hell, and we knew it. But like I said, we had to do this.

The room was just as it was when we left, the incubator still there, the frail, small body still in there. I didn't see the point in that, why was she placed in there again? It's too late anyway. I turned around when the door creaked open again and Anna walked in. She looked grim as she walked to us. I didn't want to look at our baby, so I kept my eyes glues to Anna until she stopped infront of us. She took a deep breath and placed her hands on the warm glass. "Would you like to hold her?" Se asked, not looking at us. This meant the world to me, and she knew it, since neither of us ever had the chance to even touch her. Bill took my hand and held it tightly; I could see him nodding out of the corner of my eye. "Yes." I said, barely above a whisper, taking a deep breath.

She turned her gaze towards the incubator below her, I couldn't stand it. I turned around and closed my eyes, but only for a moment. Bill’s arms wrapped around me, giving me the inner strength I needed at that moment. I opened my eyes and turned around, looking only at Anna’s arms. She held my baby, gently, as if she could still feel. I watched her run a hand over Sarah’s cheek before handing her to me, I had to sit down, or I would’ve dropped her. She felt warm and natural in my arms, like she was still sleeping. It looked like it, her eyes were closed. I felt Bill sit down beside me, putting a comforting arm around my shoulder.

This moment are supposed to be the happiest of your life, holding your baby in your arms for the first time, but not for Bill and me. This was the first time we held her, but probably the last too. She looked exactly like me, or so Bill told me weakly. I still had no clue how this happened, but she was dead, gone, she never got to hear how much we loved her. She never even saw us, and if she did, it didn’t matter now because it’s too late. I let a tear fall on her cheek and allowed myself to wipe it away. Her hands were motionless, so I took one into my own, they were just so small. I let her hand go as Bill took it and kissed it lightly.

Watching him was worse that watching my daughter, but as I did, I knew I was not alone in this. Bill was going to be here with me every step of the way; he’ll know of every tear, he’ll feel the same. His eyes were still red, but they were dry now. As I looked at him, I held Sarah closer to me, I never wanted to let her go, and I never wanted her to leave me. She was supposed to grow up, happy and healthy, with a family who loved her and supported her. She had light blonde, almost white hair, just as I did, or so my father told me. I looked up again as I felt a hand on my other shoulder, it was Bianca’s. I glanced to my right, where Bill sat and saw Tom behind him.

We all looked at the baby in silence, shedding tears of pain and regret. No, I was definitely not alone in this; I knew that without a doubt. “I wish there was something we could do…” Bianca whispered. I felt myself being pulled into a group hug, existing of Bill, Tom, Bianca and I, and we stayed like that for what felt like hours. “Um,” I heard someone say unsurely. My friends let us go to have a look, it was Anna. “Bill, Sam, I’m extremely sorry, but I think it’s time for you to go.” I kept quiet, but I could see that Bianca was about to say something, but I put a hand on hers, shaking my head.

I struggled to stand up, but with Tom and Bianca’s help, I managed. I was still holding onto Sarah tightly, knowing that it as the moment that I had to let go of my baby. Anna looked at me, then my friends, than at little Sarah lying in my arms.

She held out her arms, still looking slightly unsure. I looked back at Bill, then leaned down. I kissed Sarah’s head softly, running a hand over her small body one last time. Bill did the same as I pulled away. “I love you.” I whispered to her, Anna stood there as I was battling to give up my daughter. It was like my brain was telling me to hand her over, but my body made no movement. “Sam, please don’t make this any harder.” Anna said softly, coming closer. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes. And I did it. I let go, and it was like Sarah took a part of me with her and I’ll never get it back.

“What do you think you’ll do with her?” Tom asked, Anna stopped dead in her tracks as she tried to push the door open. Without looking at anyone, I made my decision, I had made it a long time ago, whether I knew it or not. “I want to hold her a funeral, so we can say our final goodbyes properly.” I replied. I didn’t ask for permission, I had to do it. Sarah deserved it, she didn’t live for long, but she needed to be laid to rest properly. “I think it’s a great idea.” Bill said to me.

We all looked at eachother sadly and tiredly, it was a very long day. A day I’m sure I will never forget in my life. Bianca smiled at me and grabbed my hand. “Come on, I’ll stay with you.” She said in a comforting tone. I tunred back to my husband, as did Tom. “And you better get back in that wheelchair.” He said. Before we went with them, he pulled me close to him and said the only words that got me through that night. “Sam, I still love you, and we’ll make it through this, I promise.”
I just hope that was a promise he was going to keep.