Stain My Rose With Scarlet Tears

We stayed at the beach until late that afternoon, but after the wind had started to blow violently, I suggested that we head back to the hotel before they all got sick. We weren’t really thinking clearly when we left, and nobody thought of bringing any towels for them to dry off with. We had to hurry them into the Cadillac, while Bianca offered to drive us. Now that all of us were tired and cold, the ride back seemed endless, and when we finally got there, I heard Bill and Tom sigh in relief, already getting ready to race upstairs. Like most people, after they went swimming in the ocean, all they wanted to do was take a shower.

Like me when I was younger, Lucy hated taking baths, but for the first time in her life, she wanted to, complaining that she was dirty. Lucy was sitting on Bill’s lap while we drove, her teeth chattering from the cold. When we came to a stop in front of the Mookai Hotel, the back doors flew open immediately. I glanced back, seeing only the black of Bill’s hair as he ran out of the car. Bianca and I looked t each other with raised eyebrows, chucking to ourselves. Bill and Tom grabbed the kids and took them along, but we had all the hotel keys. We had to park the car before getting out, but we figured we should hurry up to them before they got really angry.

I grabbed our bags while Bianca took the car and hotel keys in her hands, getting out of the car almost as quick as Bill and Tom did, I followed her example. It started to rain softly as we ran into the hotel, but it would get harder through the night. We didn’t want to wait for the elevator and we weren’t on a very high floor, so we ran up the stairs. We could see Bill and Tom from the beginning of the hallway, standing in front of our hotelroom doors. I could see a smile form on Bill’s lips when he saw us approach them. When Tom saw us, he didn’t smile, he glared in our direction. He was never very patient. “What took you so long?!” He screamed at us when we were close enough to and them their keys. I didn’t even bother to answer because that would only make things worse. I rolled my eyes and gave Bill our key, waiting for him to open the door.

He did, jogging into the room and into the bathroom closest to our room. Lucy looked at me, pouting, running into her room to grab some clean clothes. I turned to see Tom run into his room, leaving Bianca and me alone since Tom took Charlie with him. Bianca and I smiled at each other as she got ready to walk into her own room, but stopped just before she unlocked it. “Sam? I was thinking…” She started, “Why don’t you let Lucy sleep with us tonight… Then you and Bill can spend some time alone.” She winked at me, making me laugh. “We’ll see what she thinks.” I said, shaking my head with laughter, “Thanks.” She nodded, opening her door. I did the same, pausing to listen to Bill whistle in the shower. If I heard correctly, he was whistling the song “Give Me Novacaine” by Green Day.

I walked into Lucy’s room, who was looking for her pajamas. She didn’t acknowledge me when I knelt down beside her. I stuck my hands in her suitcase, knowing that I placed them in the bottom of the bag. I took out her pale pink shorts and t-shirt and put it on the floor next to her. I turned to her and smirked, pulling her into a tight hug. Her hair was still wet, dripping on my shirt, but I didn’t mind. “Do you want me to wash your hair?” I asked softly, she nodded. I stood up then, pulling her up with me, as gently as possible. I took her hand, while she took her clothes and walked to the unoccupied bathroom. I opened the tap, letting the warm water fall into the bathtub as Lucy stripped down. Lucy liked bathing in hot water, especially this time of year when it started to get colder, and then she wouldn’t put cold water in at all. After a couple of minutes, I stuck my hand in the water, turning off the water.

Lucy copied me, putting her hand in the water. “It’s too hot Mommy!” My daughter complained. I opened the other tap, feeling the water get colder immediately. When she put her hand in the bathtub again, she smiled, satisfied. I smiled along with her, helping her into the water. It took her a minute to get used to it, but she adjusted, splashing around a bit. “What do you think of the Maldives so far, Hon?”
She took her pink bar of soap and rubbed it between her hands, then turned to me. “Can we move here?” She asked me innocently, and I knew that was the only answer I was going to get. I covered my eyes as she splashed some of her water in my eyes. “So, you like it that much, huh?” I laughed. She nodded at me, flashing me a bright smile. Since the two bathrooms were next to each other, I heard when Bill turned off the water.

“Lucy, what do you think of staying with Charlie and Aunt Bianca tonight?” I started running my hands through her hair, wanting to get out all the knots. I felt her start to bounce up and down excitedly, turning to face me completely. “Can I, Mommy?!” She asked excitedly. “Of course, if you want to.” I said, nodding. I think I was looking forward to being alone with Bill, but I didn’t think we needed it. We were closer than ever, but I just loved being with Bill, even when we didn’t say anything. We haven’t spent a whole day together since Lucy was born, and I didn’t want it to be awkward. After I told Lucy, she loved playing around with her cousin, they got along really well. I volunteered to blow-dry her hair for her, but she didn’t want to waste any time getting to her aunt. She was always excited about going to them because she got to do certain things I would never allow her to do.

She always stayed up late when she went to either Tom or Bianca, she didn’t have to finish her dinner, and mostly she refused to touch her vegetables. Bianca was definitely more responsible than Tom, but they were both great parents to their daughter. When I told Bill, he was fine; the look in his eyes told me that he was looking forward to being alone with me. He even volunteered to take her over there. Just before they left, Lucy ran over to hug me, a new teddy bear in her other hand. “Behave and have fun.” I whispered, kissing her cheek. I gave her one final wave before making my way to the balcony. It was starting to get darker, and the sunset amazed me, through the rain it was still beautiful. I knew it won’t be long until I wouldn’t be able to see anything except the city lights. Even though we were in the middle of the city, I could hear the ocean waves clearly. I was glad; it was the only way I could get to sleep.

The room was quiet, I heard the door close, then open minutes later. I knew it was Bill, but I couldn’t hear him. I only felt him when he came closer, taking my hand in his gently. At the touch of his skin, I turned around, not saying anything to him. He pulled me closer to him and I rested my head on his chest, the warmth of his body comforting against me cheeks. He turned to face the dark blue sky, pulling me along with him. The sun seemed to disappear quickly, but the stars seemed to take their time appearing. The sky turned purple between the grey clouds and falling raindrops, I’ve never seen anything that beautiful in my life. I looked up at Bill, wondering what he was thinking, but he wasn’t staring at the sunset or rain; he was staring down at me. His brown eyes had an unfamiliar twinkle in it, his smile carrying a mystery. I continued to stare up at him, afraid of what might happen if I look away.

I smiled slightly, but it felt more like a smirk. I wanted to be even closer to him; I needed him against me, because for once, I needed him to tell me that everything was going to be okay. When we looked at each other, we didn’t need to say anything; because words couldn’t express the things we felt and thought. The wind had started blowing again, causing the rain to blow in our direction, landing on our hair, face and clothes. It was getting colder outside. I started to shiver, but I felt a new form of warmth when Bill slid his arms down to mine, almost covering them completely. It helped, but I could feel Bill walking backwards, into the room. It was much warmer inside of the room, but I felt a sense of emptiness when Bill let me go to close the doors and windows. I just stood there, watching while he closed every curtain in the room. The lights were turned on; the room wasn’t as dark as I imagined it would be. But we were alone, and that was all that counts. Bill had started to walk to the door, opened it and hung a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door, then locking it. As if he was locking us in and neither of us were planning on leaving soon.

By this time, I was staring blankly at the wall. I waited for Bill to approach me, but after five minutes had passed slowly and he still hadn’t, I turned around. I gasped when I saw my husband standing right behind him; I hadn’t realized that he was so close to me. He didn’t move, he didn’t blink, and it seemed like he wasn’t breathing, he was just looking at me. His smile still mesmerized me. He held out his hand, I looked at it unsurely. He held it out a bit further, and this time, I took it. We weren’t moving now; we were standing up straight, doing nothing except being with each other. We could have spent the rest of our lives there, because that’s what it felt like, until I felt myself being pulled down. I landed on the floor softly, looking up at Bill with raised eyebrows. He sat down next to me softly, turning to look at me. I laughed quietly, but I wish I didn’t. It was one of those times where silence was better than actually speaking, because once you break the silence, it was hard to go back to it.

He let go of my hand, bringing it up to my cheek, caressing it softly. “You are beautiful…” He whispered to me. It was one of those things that I didn’t need to reply to, because I didn’t know how. Being in the Maldives made me feel like I wasn’t me anymore, like I was outside of my body, and it felt good. After years of being together with Bill, I still couldn’t escape the feeling that I wasn’t nearly good enough for him. He was beautiful, talented. He was perfect, and I clearly wasn’t. My smile faded from my lips as I looked at Bill’s hand which lay on the floor. “Look at me.”

His voice wasn’t controlling at all, but he had this strange way of making me do things he wanted. It felt strange though, I was very self conscious around him, around anyone really. I haven’t gotten my figure back after giving birth to Sarah, but I was trying. But still, when Bill said that, I couldn’t believe him. I tensed up a bit, even though I used to feel so comfortable around him, but things change. When Lucy was here, we all seemed to be in such a happy playful mood, it rubbed off on people, but now everything was so serious. I looked up at him slowly, seeing that he wasn’t smiling anymore. He was staring me down. “What’s wrong?” He asked in a quiet, caring tone. I wished that I was in control of my emotions, but at that moment, I wasn’t as tears stung my eyes. He pulled me closer to him, allowing me to rest my head on his shoulders.

“Bill… How can you love me?”
I buried my head in his neck, I knew it was a stupid question to ask, and I knew I wasn’t going to get the answer I wanted, but I needed to know. He didn’t make me look up at him again, he held me close. I never wanted to make him mad, but these kinds of questions did that to him. He didn’t answer for a while, but his heartbeat was like music to me in the silence. The lights were being turned down, and soon enough, we were sitting in the darkness, in each other’s arms. In a moment, the room was filled with Bill’s voice, calming me down, bringing more tears to my eyes.

“Your strength is so hard to find,
I feel so much stronger now,
the feeling's alright.
Your words make me whole again,
those eyes cannot ever lie,
you're so divine
I'm not ever alone, you're not ever alone

I'm head over heels goddess of mine,
your curls touching my face and now I can fly
You brought my life back,
The glory you found, I’m in deep debt, without you I wouldn't survive
I'm not ever alone

Your smile is heavenly,
I don't deserve all the love that you're giving to me
Your touch makes it hard to breathe,
the shiver's around me now, you're so fine

I'm head over heels goddess of mine,
your curls touching my face and now I can fly
You brought my life back,
The glory you found, I'm in deep debt, without you I wouldn't survive

The heart is pumping for my life, the mind is happy and I, I will love you till the day I die

I'm head over heels goddess of mine,
your curls touching my face and now I can fly
You brought my life back,
the glory you found, I'm in deep debt, without you I wouldn't survive

I'm head over heels goddess of mine,
your curls touching my face and now I can fly
You brought my life back,
The glory you found, I'm in deep debt, without you I wouldn't survive

“That’s why I love you…”

I sat up straight, moving away from him quickly, not touching him at all. I was sitting on my knees, in front of him. I looked at my hands as I brought them up to my face, wiping my tears. I didn’t know how to react; his words made me so happy, but it made me feel even worse about feeling that bad about myself, and for ever doubting Bill. I wanted to scream at him, but I just wanted to crawl back into his arms, I hated that he had that effect on me. He looked at me with no expression, and I stared back at him gently. I decided that I couldn’t say anything to him, standing up. I walked away from him, opening one of the curtains to stare out at the darkness “Curly Sue”, a song I had once loved, but I had long since forgotten about it, I haven’t heard it in months.

“I don’t understand how you can mean that… After everything I’ve done. I don’t understand how you don’t hate me.” I said darkly, turning around, “How do you stand me?”

Bill stood up too. We were standing in opposite corners of the room, but the small smile on Bill’s lips was hard to miss, but I didn’t understand what he could be smiling about. “Sam, don’t you get it?” He questioned me, raising his eyebrows, “I love you and I’ve forgotten about everything. So why can’t you?” I glared at him, hating the fact that he found it all funny. I wished that he could stop smiling, I wasn’t sure if I could stay calm for long. “Because it’s not easy to forget Bill! I hate myself for doing what I did and you-…”
“I?” He urged, crossing his arms.
“You stand around here like nothing ever happened and it’s not right!”

I never meant to raise my voice, and I didn’t want to talk about anything that happened. Bill was right, and I should have been happy that he forgave me for all the stupid things I did, but I wasn’t. I knew what I did was wrong and that’s why I realized that it wasn’t right that he reacted that way. Bill was now glaring back at me, a slightly disgusted look on his face. “Oh, I’m so sorry for forgiving you, Sam.” He said through gritted teeth, a hint of sarcasm in his voice, “Next time I’ll just divorce you.” I rolled my eyes at him, but gasped when I realized what he had just said. “Next time?” I said, shocked. His eyes widened a bit as he raised his hands in front of him.
“No- Sam, that’s not what I meant-!” He started to defend himself. “No Bill, that’s exactly what you meant.” I said coldly. I never meant for this to happen, and I just wished I kept my mouth shut, because I just hurt him, and I just got hurt again.

I hated myself for not being able to let go of the past.
I hated myself for not being able to keep quiet.
I hated myself for hurting Bill.
I hated myself for starting a fight.

I’ve said it before, but I meant it; I hated myself.