Stain My Rose With Scarlet Tears

My feet stung as I stepped on the broken glass that lay on the apartment floor when we walked in. No one of our family had touched anything since the moment we came home, which meant that the broken windows remained unfixed. The chairs were still lying on the floor. The warning was still on the wall, but for once, I tried my best not the think about it, or to look the way of that wall.

I winched as I felt another piece of glass dig into the balls of my bare feet.

My hand was still inside of Bill’s, but at that moment, I doubted that he would notice. His hand was shaking slightly, and he would lick his lower lip repeatedly with anticipation. In between the strands of my hair, I snuck a quick glance at Bill.

In the second that we’ve been inside our apartment, all the color seemed to have drained from his face, his eyes bloodshot with fear. I could almost reach out to him, embrace him and tell him that there was nothing to fear, but I would never know, I was scared too, but I didn’t want to show him that. One of us had to be the strong one now, and if it was me, I’d just have to deal with it. I was walking slower than Bill, making him lead the way in front of me.

As we walked into the living room, passing the almost unharmed kitchen, I kept my eyes only on the back of his head, afraid to let my eyes take in my surroundings.

I started walking on the tips of my toes, knowing that my blood was leaving footprints as I continued walking. The cuts started burning instantly as the cuts were slashed open once again as I stepped on the broken glass of the television screen, this time, I didn’t dare make a sound. All I could hear at that moment was the sound of cars passing by our apartment building, and every now and then, the laughter of a child.

In the back of my mind, I was wondering if Bill and I could have ever done this at night, when it would be quiet. Quietly, I wished that Bianca and Tom had come along with us; I couldn’t escape the thought that maybe then I would feel safer then.

It scared me for a moment as I ran my hand down Bill’s back gently, that I didn’t feel that secure around Bill, the way I should be. This situation was different from any other we’ve been in since we’ve been together; no one knew how to take it all in, or how to react when we were faced with these things. But still, I knew I felt safe with Bill before, no matter how scared I was, or how much I didn’t want to do something, I didn’t understand how it could all change in a matter of months.

I would dream of what might happen once Bill and I returned here every night, and it felt like I’ve dreamt of every ending my mind could produce, each more gruesome that the one before, it only made me more afraid, but everything seemed so much different in daylight. The bright sunlight shining through the broken windows made everything seem harmless, even if it looked the way it did.
It reminded me of our apartment in Germany, before we first moved to New York years before, it felt so empty. As we walked to where the biggest mess was made, I could feel Bill trembling. Like every other time that we would walk down the halls, I was going to wake up, but I just couldn’t.

I glanced down at the floor, following Bill’s footsteps swiftly. The further we went into the house, the quieter everything seemed to become, as if we were being cut off from the outside word completely, soon enough, it the only things we were able to hear were our nervous breathing and light footsteps. I counted the steps we took until we got to the living room, then we came to a halt. For the first time since we entered the apartment, I wondered why we were so afraid of just entering.

It was never the apartment itself we feared, it was what happened inside of it, and what might happen again. It seemed so harmless, but I still knew it was the cause of my nightmares. This was the reason we were here, after all. To face the facts, we couldn’t be afraid of the apartment forever, and that we had to come back here eventually, even if it was just for a moment.

“So, this is it.” Bill said, hearing an echo throughout the room. I nodded thoughtfully, embracing the silence for a minute.

As if it was perfectly planned to trigger at the sound of Bill’s voice, we heard a loud crash in our bedroom. Knowing that it couldn’t have anything to do with us, we jumped slightly. I shot once glance at Bill, my hair falling in front of my eyes.

I brushed it away irritably, biting my bottom lip with confusion. At that moment, my nightmares seemed to become a reality. We weren’t alone. It seemed like Bill stopped breathing, because I couldn’t hear him anymore, he didn’t want to move. I looked around desperately, but we never kept any kind of weapon in our house, not even something as simple as a baseball bat. We never even considered getting anything close to a gun with children here.

The kitchen was closer to our bedroom, and this time, I couldn’t even try to deny it. This wasn’t some kind of sick joke, if it was, they would never dare to come back, but whoever it was did, and that only meant that they were serious. There were few situations where I felt actual fear inside of me; it was like everyone had always explained.

My palms were staring to sweat, and if it was possible, I could feel all the heat being drained from my body. The knots in the pit of my stomach seemed to form, then only relax for a moment, and pull together even tighter than before. I was so scared it hurt. I knew it would be hard to speak, I could feel my heartbeat pulsating in my throat. I felt like we shouldn’t just run into the room like my brain was telling me to, not if they were as dangerous as in my nightmares.

I could feel Bill getting tense as we walked passed the kitchen. Against my better judgment, I decided against getting the sharpest knife I could find, and threatening whoever it was. Even when I was a small child, I thought the best thing to do in situations like these was to keep quiet until you couldn’t do it anymore.

I cleared my throat loudly, hoping that it would echo, like Bill’s voice earlier. I knew it was looking for trouble, but I had to take the risk.

“Shit!”

It wasn’t the risk I imagined, the one word I managed to hear, had to be the thing that actually helped me to calm down a bit. The voice sounded scared. Even though the voice was quiet, it sounded hysterical, and scared. The voice was female. Despite the situation we were currently in, I smirked. I found it fascinating that most things that happened in our life which were bad, was the work of a woman.

Even though I’ve been trying to forget about it for almost a year now, it was the truth. As far as I could remember, the only trouble I’ve had from a man, was Monré, and could never seem to get rid of him, because he kept coming back.

I noticed that Bill hadn’t calmed down like I did; he was still as tense as he was when we first heard the crash. I placed my right hand on the back of Bill’s neck.

“You know, it’s okay to be scared.”

“No Sam, it’s not.” He whispered back at me. “I’m the one who’s supposed to protect you, but I feel like I can’t.”
“It’s not okay.” He repeated again.

“You don’t have to protect me all the time, really. Don’t doubt yourself, because I know you can, but you don’t have to.” I tried to reassure him as we slowed down. Soon enough, we came to a stop, only a few steps away. Unexpectedly, Bill turned around. He was glancing down at me solemnly, his hand leaving mine. I looked down at my feet shyly, feeling slightly impatient. I felt Bill place his finger under my chin, lifting up my head so I could look at him.

It seemed like words lingered on his lips, and I expected to hear them, but I never could. It only lasted a minute, but Bill pulled me into his arms and hugged me against his chest tightly, almost like he knew that once we entered our bedroom, it was over. He breathed in his scent once I felt his fingers run through my hair. I stood on the tips of my toes and gave him a kiss on the cheek, telling him that it wasn’t over.

He seemed to have understood what I was supposed to mean, “I know it’s not, but really, we don’t know what’s going to happen.” He whispered, even though it was barely audible, I took in every word, “If it does, I want you to know that I love you.”

I gave him a small smile in return. “I love you too, Bill. I always will.” I said.

He kissed my head once before turning around, taking my hand again. He gave in one last squeeze, and stepped forward into the long hallway. We walked passed the room where Simone and Gordon slept each time they would visit, only four steps further was the room our daughter would spend all her time in. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the lilac walls and the light coming from it. I tried not to dwell on it, but out of all the rooms in the apartment, it was Lucy’s which stayed untouched.

Right next to Lucy’s bedroom, at the end of the hall was our bedroom, the door standing wide open, the white walls impossible to miss. We always had the best room, and days like these where the sun would shine so brightly, it would reflect in our bedroom, making it glow.

There were certain things that were done to our bedroom along with the house, but like Simone and Gordon’s room, the damage was minimal. The windows were only cracked, but not broken; the pillows were shred into pieces. The one night we stayed in the apartment, we had to use to pillows and bedding that Bianca and Tom made us take.

Paint was spilled over parts of the walls, but the only thing that really scared me was the words written on the carpet with a black marker. It was almost like a decoration, the word “revenge” was written over and over, almost looking like a pattern on the carpet. It seemed to have taken a lot of time; it made me wonder how long Simone and Gordon were away. I was just glad that they didn’t come home while all of this was going on; it was all that mattered to me.

The white door was blocking our view of whoever stood behind it, but we knew that we wouldn’t have to wait any longer. The last thought that crossed my mind before Bill and I moved one step forward, was that I never wanted a normal life, and this is what I got. Because this doesn’t happen to normal people.

In between, Bill seemed to have gotten his nerve back, because once we passed the door, he was the one to speak.

“Who are you?”

My guess was that it was the first question that came to his mind, if I were him; I would have asked the same thing. I didn’t recognize the figure standing in front of us.

She looked about my and Bill’s age, but she was much shorter. Her blonde hair was tired up in a ponytail, making it easier for us to see her face. I was surprised. She didn’t look like the kind of person who would be able to do something like that; she looked so frail and scared. But hey, I guess you can’t judge a book, right? The closer we got to her, the more I was getting my confidence back, she couldn’t hurt us.

My eyes traveled to her hands, it was pretty hard to miss the gun she held. She held it so tightly, her knuckles turned white, she was shaking just like Bill was earlier. Her eyes went wide with fear when she saw us as she backed away.

“I- I’m...” She stuttered pointlessly.

“I think I can answer that.” A more confident voice said, coming from behind us, “Lucy-Grace, give me the gun.”

She sent us a sorrowful look, then looked back down at her feet and started walking towards us. My eyes followed her for a second, but I refused to turn around. I may not know her, but I knew that voice.