Stain My Rose With Scarlet Tears

The only thing that made me turn back to reality was a vague steady beeping, almost like it was only an echo in the back of my mind. I felt light, as if I was floating on air, it was almost relaxing for a moment. It was dark; it felt like I didn’t have the strength to open my eyes, though I hoped they were closed.

It felt like I had just awoken from a dream that seemed to go on forever, and I lost touch with reality. I’ve never been more conscious of my body. It felt like I could hear my heart beating within my chest and my hair behind my head, tickling the back of my neck. My breathing was heavy and slow, like I had to get used to it again. Everything of me felt so new to me, it wasn’t normal. In my mind, I quietly enjoyed the silence and the feeling that filled me since the moment I was brought back into this world.

Like a child trying out new things, I started to wiggle my toes slightly. On top of my feet, I could feel that it was covered. Seconds after stopping, I started to wiggle my fingers slowly.

They were cold and stiff, feeling much more exposed than the lower parts of my body, which made it possible for me to move around more freely. Along with my fingers, I started to move my other hand slightly, moving it mere centimeters from where it rested previously. I fingers grasped the material underneath them, as I allowed them to run over the rough cover.

“D-did you see that?” A voice spoke, disturbing the rhythmic beeping in the room. The voice was quiet, almost inaudible in its broken state, as if it hadn’t been used much. It seemed like I had heard the voice before, but I just couldn’t grasp from where.

I stretched my fingers out as far as I could, feeling that my new findings had been spoiled by the person in the room with me. I knew that I had control over my actions now, even if it felt like I hadn’t for a while, it felt good. There were so many things I felt like I had the chance to rediscover and once I open my eyes, my world would be gone and I would have to face the reality. It was never something I liked to do. It was almost like going to bed, but you fear the next morning.

My eyes fluttered as I attempted to open them, taking in the last moment of darkness. Between my eyelashes, I could see only white. I squeezed my eyes shut again, then opened them slowly, allowing them to adjust to the sudden bright light. Still sounding as if it was somewhere far away from me, I could hear a small gasp escaping someone’s lips.

The white room enlarged the further my eyes opened, but the sight didn’t change much. The room was painted white, a bight light shining all throughout it. As I knew I would, I was more confused than ever. When I tried to move the rest of my body, I felt a pain take over my right arm, from where my shoulder was. I let a whimper escape my lips. It hurt for as long as I struggled, I couldn’t remember ever feeling that kind of physical pain before.

The light felt like it was shining on me, the heat landing on me. For a brief second I wondered whether I was dead, but everything around me felt far too real.

As the shapes around me started to form, a dark silhouette caught my eye. I could only make out half of the features; like that he was a man. His hair was long and hanging past his shoulders, unlike I had gotten used to over the years. His eyes were bloodshot; they stood out because of his pale white skin.

He was sitting on the edge of his chair, his brown eyes glancing down at me cautiously. His mouth was slightly opened. I let out another whimper while I tried to get myself up on my left arm, a nanosecond later; I felt a pair of arms wrap around my body gently. I looked up at him, attempting to give him a smile, but I just didn’t have the strength at that moment. He had laid me back down on the bed carefully, brushing my hair out of my face.

“Sam, you should lie down. You’re not ready to sit up yet.” He whispered to me gently.

My eyes were only halfway open, but even then his striking eyes seemed to take my breath away, the similarities even more striking than before. It only took a minute for the dark brown eyes to trigger my memory of what happened, what felt like years ago. The more I let the scene play through my mind, the more sense everything made, I understood why I was here. He let go of me, and sat down on the chair closest to me. My eyes were still heavy, but I was fighting to keep them open.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a shorter figure standing behind the chair. I took a deep breath as my eyes fell closed, trying to ignore the sudden throbbing through my body. I opened my mouth with a lot of effort, while I struggled to find my voice. I dug my nails into the material stretched over the white bed, listening to their quiet mumbles before trying to get their attention.

It felt like I hadn’t used my voice in years, the way my throat burned, but I tried to ignore it, telling myself that it would go away soon.

“Where is he?” I mumbled hoarsely.

Just as I wanted, their voices died down immediately once I spoke. A warm hand rested on top of mine in an attempt of comfort, I pulled it away instantly. I never liked waiting for answers, and it always seemed that if a silence like that occurred, the answer would never come.

I moved myself up a bit, so that my head was resting against the last pillow on the bed. I wanted desperately to see their face because of the silence they left me in. I cracked open one eye, unsure of the scene that was playing in front of me.

Tom had his head on his new fiancée’s shoulder, and I couldn’t help but notice that her eyes were also red and swollen like his. She was holding him against her tightly as his head was buried in her light brown hair. It almost seemed unethical. It reminded me of the movies I’ve seen in my life, where I never saw something like that happened before. Ignoring in uneasy feeling in my stomach as just another ache that would soon disappear, I balanced myself on my arms, the parts which hurt the least.

My brother-in-law was shaking, it was a side I never saw of him before, and it wasn’t a side that ever wanted to see. I couldn’t understand where the weakness came from, when it seemed like I had slept my entire life away. I brought myself up onto the bed the farthest I could, then rested my head against the headboard to take a better look at them.

“What’s going on?”

My voice started to become clearer, but the words came out as a squeak. The sun was shining on them brightly, reflecting into my eyes. The whispers became much quieter, but I couldn’t miss the tiny gesture Bianca made, or Tom shaking his head vigorously. Bianca had let Tom go, and almost instantly, the pair looked down at me.

Tom got up from his chair again, Bianca following right behind him, glancing at me intensely. Their hands were intertwined tightly, at that moment I started to miss the feeling.

“How are you feeling?” Bianca asked as she leaned over me, a small, fake smile plastered upon her lips. She ran a soft hand over my cheek, “W- we didn’t think you were going to wake up again... we were worried.”

“How long was I asleep?”

Tom and Bianca exchanged a solemn look before returning their gaze to me. Bianca let go of Tom’s hand and stuffed them in her jean’s pockets awkwardly. My eyes drifted up to the window. It was the middle of the day, the time where the sun was directly in the middle of the sky, it was strange to only be seeing it from through the window. Tom hadn’t dared to meet my gaze again, and was now glancing at anything except my direction.

Bianca cleared her throat and let her hands fall to her side, but she seemed restless, since she lifted them again to put her hand behind her ears.

“A couple of days, Sam. They gave you a few more pills, they said you needed your rest.”

Silence filled the room again, where I tried to sit up straight. I suppose that they noticed my sudden attempts, as Bianca reached out her hands to help me. I couldn’t care less what Tom thought I was capable of doing, I knew I wanted to sit up straight. The fact that I still didn’t know for how long I was unconscious still bothered me a bit, it was something I never liked about hospital, the feeling of paranoia that came along with it, the silence could make people go mad, or at least, it felt like it.

She fluffed the right corner of my pillow, her brow furrowed in concentration. Tom’s eyes drifted down to the lower part of my body, stopping at my lower stomach, then at my left leg in its cast.

“When can I go see him?”

The more I spoke, the clearer my voice would become, and I didn’t have so much trouble speaking anymore. I was more awake now and I felt like I could move around more, if I did it carefully. Bianca’s eyes flickered over to Tom’s, but she didn’t dare to send him another look, they knew I wasn’t stupid.

My friend had stopped fidgeting for a moment as she sat down, and her eyes started losing focus. I didn’t like the lack of answers I was getting. The door stood wide open, I could almost imagine my family peeking in from the outside as I remembered the rule of only two visitors at a time. I looked up at Tom, who was staring the bottom of my bed blankly; I refused to look away until I caught his eye.

Another minute of silence passed. I hated the fact that it felt like they were keeping things from me, nothing could be that bad and I knew I was strong enough to handle whatever it was. I don’t think that in my lifetime, I could ever be surprised by anything again. The door had started to move again, and seconds later, my new doctor had walked in, a clipboard held to his chest. A look of seriousness took over his features, almost like a poker face, making it impossible to make out what was going through his mind.

His eyes drifted up to my brother-in-law and best friend, and once again, it seemed like they were hiding something from me as they exchanged an indefinable look. I felt like I could almost scream out in rage because of them, all I wanted was one proper answer.

“Mrs. Kaulitz? I see you’re awake. How are you feeling?” His voice sounded light and carefree, almost happy. It made me wonder whether or not he had practiced it before he came in.

“I’ve been better.” I mumbled, “When can I get out of this bed?”

Much to my objection, it was now my third week in the hospital. After everything that happened, I needed more than just a couple of painkillers to help me get through the night. No one that I’ve talked to could tell me what exactly happened, because they weren’t there. The only people that could honestly tell me what had really happened were the people I never want to see again.

Most of the things the doctors claimed happened to me, I had no memory of. I guess I was lucky, because most of the things could have killed me.

Bianca had told me that I was in a short come because of a concussion, they believed that I was thrown against the wall. I was shot twice, which didn’t make sense to me, because I could only remember the one. My leg had been broken, but no one could explain to me how it happened. I didn’t care much for the pain that came along with it, the only thing that mattered is that I was still alive, and I could do all the things I’ve always wanted to do.

I’ve spent most of my time asleep because of the pills everyone gave me, but in my waking moments, I would demand to see Bill. I felt like the world has just gone on without me and I stayed behind, because everyone had seen him, and I wasn’t even sure what had happened to him. I could only remember Simone being here once when I was awake, but at that time I could barely speak a word.

Most of the time Lucy came in with Bianca, and even seeing me in the state I was in, her face lit up because she saw me. It made me happy to see her; it was the only good thing in this hospital. Every day I was promised that I could get out of this bed if I was strong enough, and I’ve been getting stronger each day. I didn’t care how hard it was, either way, I would be in a wheelchair, and all I wanted was some answers.

He looked down at his clipboard, his brow furrowed with concentration.

“We have rules about these things, Mrs. Kaulitz.” He said seriously, “I understand how you must feel, but I must say, we have to think about your health at this moment, and of course, the little one.”

I nodded absent-mindedly.

“I know, but I really do think I am strong enough to be pushed around in a wheelchair, please just let me go.”

He smiled down at me caringly, and seeing that, Bianca gave me a small smile. He nodded at me and started walking to the door. He gave me one last look, and then turned his head towards the door, as if he was looking for someone. “I’ll give you fifteen minutes; I think you can handle that. I’ll send up some nurses who can help you get into the chair. Please, just try to take it easy, you’ve had a rough couple of weeks behind you, Mrs. Kaulitz.”

Bianca moved towards the door just as the doctor left, leaving me alone with Tom. I looked up at him again, but to my disappointment, he followed Bianca out the door almost instantly. I hated being alone in the hospital, it made me feel more alone than ever.

I moved around slightly, attempting to get more comfortable as I waited. Fifteen minutes wasn’t exactly the amount of time I had hoped for, but I knew that it would be enough.

I could hear a couple of voices mumbling outside the door, it was impossible for me to place them. I sat up a bit, hoping that they would come in and not leave me in this room. I glanced only at the door to see a shadow forming on the white paint, a vague shadow starting to appear. I saw the figure pause at the door, and he raised his hand to his head and then to his pocket, then let them fall to his sides. I could tell he was nervous.

I counted the seconds in my head, where the figure would turn around, and then walk to the door again as he debated whether or not he wanted to enter. He did it only a few more times until it seemed like he made up his mind and decided to enter. His steps were quick, but still cautious.

“Hey.” He said the sense of insecurity in his voice.

I could feel my features brightening up instantly when I saw him. Even though my past with Monré wasn’t what I wanted it to be, it didn’t mean I wasn’t glad to see him. It seemed like he calmed down when he saw me smile, because he thought that I would end up hating him. After months of never seeing him, and everything that happened between us, I could never hate him, because nothing that happened was his fault. He was always my best friend, we just lost track of it.

“I didn’t think I’d see you here.” I said, holding out my hand, inviting him to sit next to me. He held a bunch of flowers in his hands awkwardly, but as I called him, he placed it on the windowsill, where the other’s stood. He had a lopsided smile on his face as he took my hand. I missed the feeling of his touch; I couldn’t help myself before I tugged on his hand feebly and pulled him into a hug.

“I missed you.” I mumbled, burying my head into his chest.

“I missed you too.”

He pulled away from me, his fingers tracing invisible circles on my cheek. I felt like I could disappear under the intensity of his gaze like I did when we were younger, I could never look him in the eye for long. He took my hand again softly, and gave it a chaste kiss. “I needed to make sure you were okay Sam... I couldn’t take it, seeing you like that.”

He said his words slow and quietly, as if he tried to be careful around me. It took his words a while longer to sink in; I looked up at him for a second.

“You saw me?”

He looked down, fidgeting with his jacket’s zipper with one hand. He coughed quietly; I was a bit disappointed that he wasn’t meeting my gaze anymore. It didn’t make much sense, but I missed his eyes. “Yes, I was there... when it happened. I wanted to talk to you; I was in front of your apartment when I heard the first gunshot.”

I could feel the sharp feeling of excitement building up inside of me, I wasn’t smiling exactly. For a moment I thought that I was going to get some clarity. Since I had woken up the first time from my short coma, it felt like I had woken up with amnesia. I had no knowledge of what happened to me, or to anyone else that day and I felt like I really needed to find out. Monré seemed to be my answer to most of the questions no one else could answer, if he’d seen as much as I hoped.

“What happened? Did they hurt you? What happened to Bill?” I asked, suddenly feeling much stronger than before. He chuckled at my sudden curiosity, and he did what it was intended for, he helped lighten the mood. His smile faded quickly though, I could see him drifting off slightly as he remembered everything.

“All I remember was seeing you, and when I saw the blood, I thought you were dead. And the girl- Melody, she wanted to shoot you again. She aimed the gun at your head, and Bill dove in front of the gun. He saved you. He really isn’t that bad, he really has to care about you to do that,” He said, his eyes now filled with a twinge of sorrow, “I couldn’t take it, seeing you like that. I wasn’t thinking, when I tackled her to the ground... And I called the police. That was when Bianca and Tom found you and Bill; she was the one who got you here in time.”

“Is Bill okay?”

I brought a hand up to my cheek to feel the warm liquid run down my cheeks. I couldn’t remember starting to cry, and I didn’t know why. Bill was stupid, because of the fact that he protected me. I wasn’t worth it, but he just proved it, he loved me. Monré shook his head slowly.

“I don’t know, Sam.”

As if it was perfectly planned out, the two older nurses stepped into the room, one pushing the empty wheelchair. It took Monré no longer than a second to figure out what was going on, and turned his head to the two women.

“If you want, I can take her?” He offered them a kind smile. Given the one look I’ve received from them, they weren’t the type of nurses who would really care who did their jobs, as long as it was done. Both of them nodded and pushed the wheelchair as close to the bed as possible. The younger one gave me an encouraging smile and followed the other out the door in her quick, graceful steps.

“You ready?” He asked, letting go of my hands. I nodded slowly as he extended his arms out to me. He stood up and awkwardly took my legs into his arm, trying not to touch the cast it was in. He lifted up my legs and then placed his other hand under my back. For a moment it felt like he was hugging me against his chest like he always would when we would spend the night together, but this time, there was no passion like so many years before. He lifted me up and smirked slightly.

“You’re lighter than I thought you would be.” He said once he noticed my puzzled expression.

My mouth dropped slightly as I his him playfully. I tried not to winch when he put me into the chair, but there were parts of my body that was still sore from that day, no matter how long ago it was. Wordlessly, Monré stepped in behind me and started to push me out of the room. He turned right down the, almost empty, halls of the private ward.

“Do you know where his room is?”

“I think so; I’ve only been there once.” He answered, wheeling me around the next corner.

I felt a twinge of jealously run through my veins when I heard that even he had been there before I have. It wasn’t fair that everyone knew, except me. I was supposed to be the one who was there for him when he needed me, and the one who stayed by his side when he was hurt, not the one who was kept in the dark. I should have been told about what he did, I was sure I wasn’t the only one Monré had told. I was mad at them, because if they thought that what they did was best for me, then they were wrong.

I closed my eyes as the coldness of the air-conditioning hit my skin, I started running my fingers through the tips of my hair.

“Sam?” I heard Monré’s voice say once we stopped in front of a closed door at the end of the hall. “I need you to promise me something.”

I didn’t answer to him this time, I knew no matter what I said to him, he would want me to make a promise. Out of all the friends I had, I knew that Monré knew me the best; he knew what was best for me and he knew how to take care of me. Even when he left for months without any of us hearing from him, I now realized that it was what we needed.

“No matter what you see, or what might happen, I want you to stay safe. For you and for the kids, okay?” I took a deep breath and nodded. I didn’t want to know what he meant by that, I didn’t want to prepare myself for the worst, after all, I didn’t have an idea what to expect.

I didn’t know how I was going to react when I saw Bill, or what was left of him. I needed Bill to get through my life, because I don’t remember what it was like without him, he was my life. It was almost like the moment of truth for me, because either Bill would be okay, or he wouldn’t be. I knew that we would be forced to say goodbye one day, just not yet. And not until he and I said goodbye properly, I didn’t want to lose him yet. We weren’t ready.

I reached up to the door and rested my hand on it. I looked up at my friend and he sent me a small smile as I pulled down the handle. He helped me to push the door open and helped me to get inside.

The room looked just like mine did, except the blinds that were closed. It was darker inside, but the pale white body was easy to see. It brought back an odd feeling of déjà vu, it seemed like the same thing had only happened mere days ago. It was still so fresh in my mind.

The room was silent, there was no beep echoing through the room like I heard when I first woke up. Monré took my hand in his securely; I glanced up at him at exactly the same time that he turned around to make room for someone who stood behind him. I looked back at my husband’s body and felt my heart skip a beat. He was still so beautiful.

Behind the doctor, Tom and Bianca stood with their eyes on Bill’s body. Two male figures stood beside Bill, their face carrying no expression. I saw the doctor reach out, turning off the switch that lead to the machines that kept him alive. I couldn’t understand.

“Wait, w-what’s going on?” I stuttered, a wave of panic washing over me.

He turned his clipboard towards me, his finger tracing the neat signature I recognized as my brother-in-law’s. I couldn’t read the form, I was sure I was about to find out.

“We’ve been given permission to take Mr. Bill Kaulitz off of life support.”

The doctor turned around and nodded at the two men standing behind him. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Bianca sheltering Tom from the sight. The men picked up the white sheet and slowly pulled it over Bill’s flawless face. I watched wordlessly until I couldn’t see any trace of my husband, and before I could say anything, choking noises emitted from my chest.

“No.” I said, gulping down my tears. “You can’t do that.”

It felt like the quicker every moment would pass, the more I could feel my heart break. We were never going to have peace, not now. Not without Bill.

“I’m sorry Mrs. Kaulitz.”

“Don’t do this. Please don’t do this.” Hysteria was rising quickly now. I couldn’t let him die. I couldn’t watch him die. It was my fault. “No! You can’t kill him, it’s not fair!”

Monré put his hands on my shoulders as they started to shake. I buried my face in my hands, crying softly. I knew that I would cry harder one day, but it hadn’t quite sunk in yet. Everything seemed unreal, like my nightmare was only continuing, and that I was far from waking up.

“Please don’t do this. Please.”

“No. You can’t let him die! He wouldn’t have wanted this, he would have wanted to fight and you know it! Just because you want to give up doesn’t mean he wants to!” I exploded, my voice echoing through the hallways.

“Don’t make him leave me... I need him now.” I whispered as the men passed me, without giving me one glance. They exited with Bill’s body, the doctor following seconds later. Bianca and Tom remained in the room with us, but I was ready. Tom rested his head on Bianca’s shoulder, shaking as I was. Small droplets were falling from Bianca’s eyes as she tried not to cry. I shrugged Monré's hands off of me and wheeled myself up to Bianca and Tom who were standing a few feet away from me.

“You killed him.” I said, keeping my voice calm after the amount of screaming.

Tom didn’t look up at me, and now it all made sense, the reason he couldn’t look at me. He knew how much it would hurt me and he still did it. He knew that Bill could have fought. Bill was strong, He’s woken up once before, and nothing stopped him from doing it again.

Bianca looked down at me as her hand rose to her heart. Tom lifted his head, mumbled two words to Bianca and left the room as well.

“You told him to sign the paper, and you killed him. After I told you how much he meant to me, and you know I need him to wake up every morning. You know that I asked about him every day, and that I woke up at night screaming for him. You knew all these things,” I said, sending her an almost painful glare, “And you still let him die before my eyes! And now, all I ask you is why? Why would you do that to me? To us?”

Bianca kneeled down to face me, more teas streaming down her face at my words. In my eyes, she had no right to cry over him.

“Sam, it was best. I didn’t mean to hurt you, and I’m sorry! I told Tom to sign, yes, but only because Bill was slipping into a vegetated state, there was nothing anyone could do for him.” She whispered, “I just wish we could have told you sooner.”

“You were supposed to be my friend! I don’t care what was happening, thanks to you and Tom, he’s gone! He’s gone forever, and he’s not coming back.”

She shook her head quickly.

“Listen to me, you’ll understand this someday. Bill died so you could live, that means something. He’ll always be with you, Sam. In your heart.” She said, her eyes traveling down to my abdomen, her hand following. “And in here.”