Stain My Rose With Scarlet Tears

The earliest memory I had of that day was waking up in my bedroom, the familiar beige walls giving it away, as it was the only room in the brother-in-law’s house that was painted that color. I was more confused than usual, I didn’t know what day it is, and I struggled to remember what had happened the previous day. I didn’t mind, it was sure to come back to me.

I struggled to keep my eyes open, but I knew I couldn’t have been that tired. It was a fact that no one ever saw me, I slept the day away, either that, or I would lie on my bed and listen to every Tokio Hotel song ever created on repeat. I knew today wouldn’t be any different. I missed the sound of Bill’s voice; to have it playing in my ears was comforting, it made me feel that he was behind me, singing the sweet words to me like he did so many times in the past.

I rolled onto my side; eyes still closed, and threw my hand onto the table next to my bed, feeling around for my iPod. Taking it into my hands, I instantly placed the earphones in my ears and turned it on. I pressed play once I found the song I always started my morning with, the song Pain of Love blasted through my ears as loud as possible. I felt more relaxed almost instantly.

As the song went into the first chorus, I rolled back into my previous position, getting comfortable once again. It was somewhere in December now, the only thing I knew is that it was close to Christmas. Bianca mentioned something about the G’s coming back home soon, and vaguely I remembered still feeling pity for Georg, who still thought that his and Bianca’s relationship would last forever, as he once said; he would always love her, only because she had proved that he was able to fall inlove again after my sister’s death. I didn’t want to be around to see him get hurt again.

I had no idea what was going on beyond the four walls of my bedroom, I didn’t know if anyone bothered to put up decorations this year, it was always Bill who had gotten everyone psyched up into doing it. Even if someone did, I hadn’t seen it. I hadn’t seen the presents under the tree, if there were any, I didn’t know if it had snowed yet, because I kept my curtains closed. I wondered if Tom still walked around in red and white Christmas hat, whistling carols, carrying around his daughter on his shoulders.

The song ended, and switched to one of Bill’s newer songs, one he had recorded just after his birthday this year. It was one of my favorites, because it was another that he had dedicated to me, named “Everything in Me”. In their career, the song was the most successful, especially now. Everyone wanted to have the last song that Tokio Hotel would ever release as a band.

I pulled the covers over my head, turning down the volume of my iPod. My guess was that it had snowed a few days before, because it had only gotten colder. I’m not sure for how long I remained with my head under the covers, but after what felt like an eternity, I pulled the covers down so I could breathe fresh air again.

As I opened my eyes, I almost let out a gasp of surprise, but couldn’t form a sound. There was a possibility that I hadn’t spoken a word in days, maybe even weeks, I couldn’t be sure. Frequently I wondered that if I didn’t use my voice soon, whether it would just go away forever. My visitor’s head shot up, an almost frightened look forming in her tear stained blue eyes. Knowing that was my queue, I took my earphones out of my ears, turned off my iPod, and for the first time in a long time, my gaze locked with hers.

Apparently the look on my face asked the question I wanted to ask before I could form the words on my lips. She raised her hand and wiped the tear that was threatening to fall from her face onto the bed sheet.

“I don’t know Tom anymore, Sam.” Bianca whispered.

I only glanced at her, remaining silent. Waiting for her to continue, which I was sure she would do soon.

“If only you could see him now, you know. I don’t know how he feels, I’ll never know, but the way he’s acting; I’m not sure if it’s normal. I’m really worried.”

She broke her gaze and stared at the closed curtain that hung in front of my small window. I knew her thoughts were leaving Tom as her eyes started to glaze over, as they were now resting on Bill. I guess if she thought long enough, she would realize that I knew how Tom felt. Lea and I didn’t have the bond Bill and Tom did, but we were still twins, she was my sister, I loved her. And it hurt like hell when I lost her.

There was no use in trying to compare the death of my sister, whom I had only known for a little while, and Bill, my husband, who was absolutely everything to me. As time passed, I had stopped crying over him. It was just part of life; you can’t cry over someone you lost forever, it would mean that you aren’t able to move on. I think the last time I cried was the night of his funeral, after that, I couldn’t anymore. It was almost like my well dried up. He crosses my mind a lot less, because I avoid thinking of him, sometimes that’s the only thing that helps.

But watching Bianca talk about Tom, it made me miss Bill. I hated that feeling they gave me, the reason why I kept avoiding them. It wasn’t fair that they were still able to be together, while Bill was gone, and I was still here. It was always like this, when I let my emotions take over. First comes jealousy and anger, because of the fact that they had each other, but they didn’t appreciate it. Then emptiness, the terrible feeling of missing him so much that I felt like my heart would explode. And lastly, the extreme sorrow that would always leave me wondering what my purpose on earth was without Bill helping me find my way.

“I didn’t know it was such a big problem until today when he told me. He said it’s been this way for a while now; that he can’t deal with loss. H- He said he has an alcohol addiction, a fucking addiction Sam! I- I never even noticed before.” She continued, a bit louder, “And now he’s out there, drunk as fuck, a- and I really don’t know what to do.”

No matter how many times I had made myself repeat Bianca’s words in my head, it wouldn’t sink in. The first thing that crossed my mind was a question. Why me? What have I done to deserve to have everything I love fall apart in front of my eyes? I wasn’t sure if I could handle anything else. I’ve just had enough. Someone else would simply have to handle Tom’s problem. I despised Bianca for just coming into my room; she didn’t have to tell me. She could have told anyone else, but why me? I would have preferred not to have known about this at all, perhaps finding out months afterward, when we could look back and laugh at everything. Being in the dark about it just seemed so much better.

I didn’t get why she came to me. I didn’t have the answer she wanted. And if I did, I was too mad to give it to her. This was Tom she was talking about, our Tom. The man I went to for advice and comfort, the big brother I always wanted who gave the best hugs in the world. The person whose stupid jokes made me smile no matter how angry or depressed I was, I thought that he would be the one to get us back to normal once everything blows over for good. It started to look like that was never going to happen now.

I sent Bianca a glare which I was sure she missed, then turned around and put my earphones back in my ear, leaving my Tokio Hotel songs behind for the first time in weeks, switching to the Three Days Grace song, Riot. I rolled onto my back and closed my eyes, pulling a pillow over my head to cover the frustrated tears that started to leak from my eyes.

Even though the music was so loud that I couldn’t hear a sound apart from the screaming, I knew Bianca had left the room once her weight was lifted off of the bed. Inwards, I let out a groan.

I knew it was wrong of me, living the way I did. Every day just seemed the same to me, nothing special ever happened, I just wish that the days pass quickly, so that another can come, and I can do the same with the new day. It seems pointless, but that’s just the point, life is pointless.

I couldn’t even remember how life used to be for me, the year was hell, there wasn’t even a short while where I could remember anything being normal. Of course it was all my fault, the reason why Bill had been in a coma. It was my fault that Bill and I had lost our baby, he never knew her, but I was the one who carried her, so I must have had something to do with it. Even when we tried to get away from it all, trouble still seemed to follow us when we went on vacation. When Melody had destroyed our apartment, if I had the guts to go there sooner, Bill wouldn’t have gotten shot, and he would still be here today.

It should have been me who died; I was the one who deserved it. It seemed like all I was hurt people. Of course people loved to blame me for my newest ‘project’. Killing the baby I was carrying now. I didn’t eat, so everyone forced me. They used Bill as an excuse, we all knew that Bill would have loved this baby no matter what, but he never even knew it existed. It was the last thing he was able to give me, so I had to take care of it. Everyone said that. And it always got to me.

Of course earlier, Bianca would always storm into my room, screaming at me for neglecting my daughter. I felt bad about doing that to her. There were no words to describe how much I loved her, but I wasn’t ready to face looking into her eyes when they still reminded me of her father. I wondered whether she had grasped the true meaning of the word ‘death’ yet. Whenever I would see her, she asked me when her daddy would be returning from his trip. I never answered, I wasn’t sure if anyone did. And no one would waste their time trying to explain the loss we had suffered to a toddler, it seemed silly.

A few other songs played as my thoughts dwelled to places I had avoided for weeks, the longer I thought, the more guilt and frustration built up inside of me. I felt so helpless, I really couldn’t do anything, but outside of my room, my family, the only family I have, is falling apart. I was never the one to fix them, but the two people I knew who could, made it impossible.

I bit my lip softly, raising myself up onto my elbows. I pushed myself up a bit more, and sat Indian-style on the bed. I looked around the room slowly. There were empty boxes on the floor, Simone and Bianca thought that it was better if Tom and I cleared out Bill’s stuff, so that we could keep something valuable to us, but with the lack of communication between us, we had never gotten around to doing it. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do it in the first place. Throwing his stuff away, visiting his grave, taking off my wedding ring, if I did that, everything just seemed so permanent. It wasn’t what I wanted, not now anyway.

The closet stood open, Bill’s small t-shits and jeans thrown around messily, his shoes still on the floor just like he had left it. I hadn’t dared to touch his stuff. His hairspray and eyeliner were still on the table, along with his cellphone, which they had taken out of his pocket the day he was shot.

My side of the room was clean, everything in its place. I needed something to do when I was cooped up in my room all day long. I turned a bit, to glance into the bathroom. It was clean too, everything Bill owned was neatly packed away, hidden behind the mirror. I moved again, this time I let my legs swing down from the side of the bed, almost touching the carpet.

Once again, I stopped my iPod, putting it into my hoodie’s pocket. I stood up shakily, zipping up the hoodie, using a chair that was positioned next to my bed to make sure I didn’t fall. I ran a hand through my hair, only to have it fall back into my face seconds later.

I made my decision before I even stood up, I didn’t want to face another problem, but Bill wasn’t here anymore, so I was going to talk to Tom. I didn’t care how drunk he was, our Tom was still in there.

Bianca had left the door open when she left earlier, so I stuck my head out of it, just to see if anything had changed. To my surprise, there were a few Christmas decorations up, but compared to the ones Bill had always used, they seemed dull and lifeless. Down the hall, I caught a glimpse of the tree, which was only decorated halfway. I couldn’t help but wonder when they started, and why they didn’t finish. I heard the muffled sounds of my daughter and her cousin laughing carelessly from the room they shared.

Sounds came from the kitchen, where I guessed Simone and Bianca were, maybe even Gordon too, and from the den, the deep voice mumbling inaudibly in his native tongue, was my drunken brother-in-law. I walked down the hall very slowly, Tom’s noises becoming clearer as I walked.

I wondered what Tom was like when I was drunk, since I had never seen him drink more than one beer even since I’d known him. I guess it was pretty dumb of me, trying to talk to Tom while he was as drunk as he was, but as I turned the corner to the den, I remembered my father’s words, the words of a drunken man, were the thoughts of a sober one. I just wanted to listen to what he was saying; it meant I was one step closer to seeing what was going through his mind; I would be closer to understanding him.

Tom was sitting in the armchair closest to the door that stood open. Outside I could see the little white fragments of snow on the grass and trees; I couldn’t say I was surprised. Every year since we moved here, we had gotten a white Christmas and I never minded, I loved playing in the snow.

I switched my gaze back to Tom. His head was in his hands, and he was shaking. From where I stood, I couldn’t tell whether he was crying or laughing, and honestly, I was afraid to get closer and see.

He and I were on opposite ends of the room, so to get a bit closer to him, I took three small steps in his direction. I sat down in the chair closest to where I stood, a few seats away from Tom, and turned to face him. I remained silent for a few minutes, wondering if he knew I was there. He hadn’t moved since I came into the room, but he had stopped shaking momentarily.

I cleared my throat, hoping to get his attention, it didn’t work though. I was afraid to make another sounds, after not using my voice in such a long time, I’ve gotten used to it. I took a deep breath, and then cleared my throat once again. Like my previous attempt, it had not gotten Tom’s attention. I knew what I was doing was getting ridiculous, and I was just wasting time. For all I know, Tom could pass out in a minute. I’d learned that when Tom was upset about something, he wouldn’t want to talk about it, he would act the way I was for the past few months. And not only would Tom be sober when he woke up, but the depressing thoughts would come rushing back to him, and no doubt he would have a massive hangover. Then there was no point in even trying to talk to him.

“Tom? Tom, can you hear me?” I said slowly, leaning forward.

His head remained in his hands once again. If I hadn’t seen his chest move up and down, I would have thought he had stopped breathing.

“Tom?” I said a bit louder.

He was quiet for another moment, and then lifted his head to face me. I held in my gasp once I saw his face. He was paler than I had ever seen him before, so much that it scared me. His pupils were slightly dilated, which made me wonder if the only thing he had taken in was alcohol. His face seemed much thinner than before, and the longer I looked at him, the more it seemed that, even though he was sitting right in front of me, Tom was gone.

“You should help me look,” He slurred, “you do the apartment block, I’ll do everywhere else.”

“Help you look for what?”

“Dude, have you been living under a rock?” He asked me loudly. I was taken aback by the sudden rudeness in his voice, but I didn’t take it personally. I just stared at him, and shook my head. I just felt so tired again all of a sudden, even just sitting here and talking to Tom is more than I’ve done in weeks. I knew I had to start doing more, just to get used to it again.

“We have to go look for Bill! I waited for him; he didn’t come home last night.” He said, sounding almost like an innocent child.

I looked at Tom without saying a word for what felt like a very long time, right then; I only felt sympathy for him. I didn’t know what to say to him, I didn’t think there was anything I could say that wouldn’t make everything worse. My mouth opened and closed repeatedly, as I tried to stop any sound from escaping accidently.

I couldn’t decide whether or not I should play along, and have Tom believe that his twin was still alive, even if it was just for a few minutes, or whether I should tell him the truth. Even if his drunken state, I couldn’t handle any more hate generated towards me, and even though I wasn’t anything close to psychic, but I had a good idea of what would happen. If I were to tell Tom that he had been waiting for his twin, who would never walk through those doors again, he wouldn’t believe me. He would laugh it off in my face, telling me that all the time I spend in my room is making me go insane.

For a brief moment I looked away, I could still feel Tom’s uneven gaze upon me. I couldn’t lie to Tom in his sensitive state, nor could I break his heart once again by telling him the truth. But the fact was, Tom was drunk out of his mind, nothing I said would make an impact, he wouldn’t remember. I glanced back at Tom.

“I’m sure we’ll go find him later, Tom.” I said solemnly, and it was the truth. I remembered it was Sunday, and even though I never had the courage to join them, my family would visit Bill’s grave every Sunday. In the beginning Tom used to go along, but instead of things getting easier for him by going there, it only made it harder for him to handle, so once everyone left, Tom would start drinking, and it became harder and harder for him to stop.

He nodded quickly, but gave me no verbal reply.

“Tom...” I started nervously, “Did Bill tell you where he was going?”

He let his head fall into his hands again, “Yeah, I think he did, but I don’t remember...”

I had to admit, I was curious to hear what he would say. I knew the hardest thing must have been knowing that Bill never really had the chance to say goodbye, because no one could have expected what was waiting for us. Tom raised his head again, very slowly, and furrowed his blow as he thought deeply. I took in his appearance once again, wondering what I must look like to all of them. After a few minutes, Tom’s eyes lit up, I’m guessing that he remembered what he believed Bill had told him.

“He told me that he was going to your apartment, and that he’ll be back soon.” He replied thoughtfully, a small smile taking over his features.

His words were like another knife through my heart, I knew I should’ve expected it, but I didn’t know it would hurt this much. This was the first time anyone had spoken to me about Bill in weeks, I hated talking about him and I hated hearing about him. On the day Bill died, his final words to Tom were, “I’ll see you later.”

Those words must’ve stuck in Tom’s mind, even in his drunken state, but I guess when he’s sober, the words haunt him, because we both know it was not only the last thing Bill would ever tell Tom, but his last lie, too.

“Sam, will you come with me?” Tom’s eager voice said, interrupting my thoughts.

“Why? Where are you going?”

I watched him roll his eyes, but this time he was playful. In my life, every time the women I thought was my mother had gotten drunk, she got abusive, and she started screaming at us, but Tom wasn’t like that. Even when he wasn’t sober, he never became the monster most people became when they had too much to drink. I was relieved. Tom stood up and walked to me, reaching out for my hand.

“I want to go to your apartment, I think Bill may have just fallen asleep in there. Let’s go look!” He said, his voice now sounding painfully pleasant. I shuddered to think what might happen to him if he found out the truth now.

“Tom, I – No,” I shook my head violently, “I said we can find him later, please.”

Tom started pulling on my hand, forcing me to stand up. It broke my heart all over again, seeing him so excited to go find his brother. I started to believe that I should have told him the truth from the beginning, all I wanted to do was be there for him, but it’s hard, knowing I’d have to watch him realize that the world he created for himself when he’s drunk, isn’t real. Even though anywhere and anything in the world was better than reality at that moment.

“Please, Sam! I know he’ll be happy to see you, he always is. Don’t you want to see your husband?” Tom just kept pushing, I had a feeling that if he didn’t stop soon, I wouldn’t be able to hold in the tears. Of course I wanted to see Bill, I wanted to see him more than anything in the world, but it wasn’t as simple as Tom thought.

“Tom, there’s something I need to – “ I started, watching Tom’s smile fade. I couldn’t let him down right now, the pain was going to return soon, anyway. I sighed.

“Okay , Tom, just let me take a shower.” I mumbled, avoiding eye contact now, “Then we can go find Bill.”

He gave one small jump, but almost tripped over both of his feet, and thanked me. I sent him a small smile before turning my back on him. Halfway to my room, I looked back to the spot where Tom and I were standing, but he wasn’t there anymore. I shook my head, wondering what I had just gotten myself into, I knew I shouldn’t have bothered to leave my room.

I opened my closet, grabbing a pair of black jeans, and a hoodie. Examining it closely, I came to realize that the hoodie had belonged to Bill, and that it still smelled just like him. I missed his smell, I thought as I breathed in his scent.

I forced myself to shake it off and made my way to the bathroom, passing Bianca on the way. She sent me a sideways glance of curiosity, but I had no intention of stopping to explain what had happened to her, I knew I couldn’t handle repeating those words. If she wanted to know, she could ask Tom, if he could remember what he said.

I only showered for about seven minutes, but I wished I hadn’t gotten out so soon. I would give anything to just delay what was about to happen, I knew I had to go back, I knew it, but that’s what Bill and I said last time. I couldn’t help but wish that Melody was in the apartment again, waiting for me to enter so that she can do what she had wanted all along. I wouldn’t mind this time, I would be with Bill again, and all the pain would be gone. I can’t remember what it felt like to truly be happy anymore, it’s been too long.

I dried and brushed my hair after got dressed, pulling on my old black Levi’s, I didn’t bother with makeup, it took a lot of me to even get dressed, I didn’t have the energy to do anything else.

Tom was waiting for me at the kitchen table, a cup of coffee in his hands, as he attempted to get sober. By the sound of it, Tom didn’t just have a couple of beers, and it would take more than just one cup of coffee to get him sober again. I knew he was still wasted from the way he smiled at me, the little boy was still there, the one who knew no pain or loss.

He hopped up, reaching for my hand again. I looked at Tom’s outstretched hands for a moment, before that moment, I had never noticed that Bill’s hands were much more feminine. Always soft, and perfectly manicured, and it always fit in mine. Swallowing hard, I gave him my hand.

We walked the familiar path down to my and Bill’s apartment, and it became harder and harder to hold in the tears. In my life, going back to that apartment must have been the most painful thing I’ve ever had to do. Bianca went to the apartment a while back, when the police came to investigate the “crime scene”, and brought back some of our belongings since we never had a chance to take everything.

I found myself walking slower as we approached the door, I was too scared to go in. In the back of my mind, all I wanted was for Tom to be right, and that Bill was just sleeping in our apartment, that we could just wake him up. I watched Tom turn the doorknob slowly, from the corner of my eye, I saw him turn his head towards me, but I kept my gaze steadily on the floor. I heard the door creak open, and Tom’s heavy footsteps walking into my old home.

For a minute I couldn’t hear him anymore as he dwelled deeper into the ,now abandoned, apartment. I leaned against the wall, and slid down slowly, until my body hit the floor with a soft thud. As Tom did earlier, I let my head fall into my hands, covering my face completely.

“Sam? I was walking down the hall looking for Bill, and when I turned around, you were gone!” He slurred innocently, “Aren’t you coming?”

I debated for a moment, I knew it would be much less painful to just say no, but something in Tom’s eyes stopped me. They reminded me so much of Bill, and it was like pouring salt on an open wound. Pushing myself, I got up, nodding in Tom’s direction. He sent me a smile and disappeared back inside, and as soon as he was out of my sight, I froze. Not even all the courage in the world could help me, it felt like I was going to collapse.

I took three slow deep breaths and followed Tom inside, closing my eyes to the writing on the wall, which had never been covered or removed. The police had been told not to touch or move anything, afraid that they would lose any evidence that might help our case against Melody.

I saw Tom walk into the old guest room, calling Bill’s name, but I didn’t bother following him. I was shaking by the time I reached the end of the hallway. I knew it was only a building, but I hated this place with my whole heart, soul and mind, and if I could help it, I would never set foot in this place again.

The door stood open and the curtains were closed, I’m guessing that Melody had closed them. I didn’t want to go in, I knew what to expect. I knew where we sat, and that Bill’s blood stained our carpet, but I didn’t want to see it. I couldn’t say that I had even started to get over Bill’s death, but I knew myself well enough to know that if I had to see that horrific scene, or relive the memories, I would never get over it.

I stood there for another moment, with my eyes closed, trying to force my final memories of Bill out of my head, unsuccessfully. I heard footsteps coming from behind me, at first I believed that it was Tom, but then realized that they were much to light and quick. I opened my eyes once I felt a soft hand resting on my shoulder.

“You don’t have to do this now, you’re not ready.” I heard my best friend say from behind me, “I have no idea how you feel right now, but I do know you. And I know the way I’ve been handling this is wrong, instead of being there for you and helping you through this, I thought that it was best if I leave you alone, but that did nothing. Sam, there is a reason you’re still alive”

I turned around to face her, after months, tears were streaming down my face once again. I didn’t say anything, I just couldn’t get it out, and judging by the look on her face, she understood completely. She put her hand around my shoulder, pulling me towards her, and she hugged me. I hugged back for what seemed like forever, while I was crying into her shoulder, it felt good knowing that I still had her.

“I don’t think he’s here.”Tom exclaimed loudly, a hint of confusion in his voice. He must have told Bianca where we were going, since he didn’t seem surprised to see her. She let me go and glanced at Tom, sighing loudly. I knew seeing him like that hurt her, she hated that he was drunk, and that instead of turning to her, he turned to alcohol, but there was nothing she could do. Tom continued listing other placed Bill might be, while walking out the door. Bianca and I were walking behind him, arm in arm.

“When we get home, I’ll give him some sleeping pills, usually he’s sober by the time he wakes up.” She whispered to me.

* * *

Tom woke up at about 3pm, complaining about a massive headache, but seemingly himself again. It was the first time I truly saw him since his brother’s death. He seemed to be taking it as bad as I was, and I could see that he was trying to put up a brave face in front of Bianca and his daughter, something that I never bothered to do.

Everyone was dressed and ready to visit Bill’s grave except for Tom and I, who were staying at home as always. I sat on Tom and Bianca’s bed, waiting for everyone to leave, so that I could talk to Tom. I knew I couldn’t delay it any longer. I played with a loose thread on the duvet, while Tom was lying on his side, his face to me. Bianca walked around the bed, carrying a glass of water and two pain pills. She waited for Tom to sit up patiently, and handed it to him, and watched him gulp down the pills quickly.

“We’ll be back in about an hour,” She said gently, “Simone wants to buy some new flowers first, and you know where we are if you want to join us... He would’ve liked it if you did.” She added in a whisper.

Neither of us bothered to reply. Bianca gave a disappointed sigh, and gave once last glance at the two of us before leaving the room, leaving me alone with Tom for the first time in months.

He switched his gaze to the open window in front of him, seemingly avoiding mine. He remained silent as I awkwardly continued pulling on the thread. I honestly had no idea what I was supposed to say to him, or why I was even doing this in the first place, I’ve talked way too much for today.

“Sam, do you think he’s watching over us?” Tom’s voice rang through my ears unexpectedly.

His question caught me off guard, but I had to admit, I have been asking the same question almost every day. I thought for a moment, my eyes gazing into Tom’s brown ones as he looked in my direction again.

“I’d like to think he does, you know, because Bill wouldn’t just turn his back on us-“

“Because if he could, he would’ve been here with us.” Tom finished for me.

After another long silence, I started to speak; “You know, it doesn’t really feel like he’s gone forever. It feels like he’s away on a trip, like Lucy believes, and he could show up here at any moment, picking me up and spin me around in his arms, like he used to.”

“Sam, he was really lucky to have someone like you in his life, I hope you know that. He loved you so much, that he would take a bullet for you, and he did.” He said to me. His words didn’t make me feel any better, because in the back of my mind, I knew that if Bill had gone alone, he would’ve come back unharmed. And if I went on my own, Bill would never have gotten hurt, Melody wanted me. I could still hear Bill’s scream of pain ringing through my ears, the most terrible sound I have ever heard.

“But it’s all my fault! I’m the reason he’s gone.”

Tom frowned at me, and started to push himself up using his elbows. Then he scooted down to the edge of the bed where I sat, so that he was sitting next to me. The intensity of his gaze made me look away, but using his index finger, he made me look up at him again.

“No one is blaming you, no one has ever thought of blaming you. Maybe it was just his time,” He mumbled, breaking the gaze. He placed an arm around my shoulder, attempting to comfort me.

“We always said that if we died, we would die together. I know that was a stupid thing to say, but we couldn’t imagine life without each other. Bill was a part of me, and he knew me like no one else, and like no one else ever will. Even when it felt like everyone on earth hated me, he would be the one to tell me that everything was going to be all right. He was my better half.”

I hated what I heard, I honestly did. Bill was amazing, and there was so much he still wanted to do, and now he’ll never get the chance. No one would say something like that about me, because until I met Bill, it was as if I was dead, my life meant nothing before him. He changed me, and he made me realize that love wasn’t just another emotion, and that it doesn’t go away, if you found the right person to share it with. I know I’m going to love Bill for the rest of my life.

“It feels like I have a huge gaping hole in my heart, literally. All I can do is think about him, almost every memory I have includes him, because that’s how close we were. It feels like I’m never going to get over it, and I drink because then I can forget that he’s really gone, even if it’s only for a few hours. If I’m not drunk, I just want to go to bed, because I can’t feel the emptiness while I sleep. When I wake up, he’s the first thing that crosses my mind, and the hole comes back. It feels like my heart is breaking with every breath I take, and Sam, it scares me.” He confessed to me.

I felt a knot form in my throat as I fought the urge to cry. Tom was explaining the way I felt perfectly, because the emptiness inside of me won’t go away, and I’m afraid that it never will. And that things will never go back to the way it was, that I would stay this way forever that I’ll never be able to let go of his memory.

“I know the pain isn’t something you get used to, and everyone says that acceptance is the hardest part. Tom, we lost someone we love very much, an- and you know exactly how I feel. It’s been months now, and it’s not getting any better, because all we do is shut the world out. And maybe that’s the problem.” My voice was trembling as I took his hand and gave it a light squeeze, “I don’t want to accept that my life with Bill is over, I don’t want to let go. I’m so scared of forgetting him, or finding someone else. So, Tom, I’m scared too. I’m scared shitless.”

By the time I finished talking, tears were running freely down my face, and I could see the tears glimmering in Tom’s as well. He let go of my hand and threw his arms around me once again, hugging me as tightly as he could manage.

“I didn’t think anyone understands... But thank you, Sam. Thank you.” He whispered in my ear. He loosened his grip on me, but didn’t let go. I laid my head down on his chest and continued crying, while he patted my back softly.

I don’t know how long we sat there, or for how long we cried, and talked about everything, but by the time Tom had let me go completely, the sun was starting to set. I stood up, and wiped my eyes, watching Tom stand up, too. I walked towards the window and looked at the bright sun, almost blinding me. I could feel Tom coming up from behind me, his breathing on my neck, it reminded me so much of Bill. I turned around to face him.

“I think there’s something we need to do.” I told him. Tom understood what I meant, I knew he did as I watched him as he nodded solemnly.

“Are you sure you want to do it today?”

“It’s now or never, right?” I said, quoting Bill.

Without a word to anyone, Tom and I got in his car and drove to the cemetery where Bill was buried. Tom knew where his grave was, as he had been there before, but I had no idea what it even looked like. The graveyard was a beautiful place, white snow covered the grass, the statues were tall and beautifully built, trees surrounded the entire graveyard, I was sure it would be even more beautiful when springtime comes.

I followed Tom as we passed what seemed like hundreds of tombstones, he lead to a location between two of the tallest trees in the cemetery, and definitely the most beautiful. There was only one grave that lay between the trees. Bill’s, I guessed. Bill’s grave was made public, by his fans request, Tom told me, and upon the snow were dozens of flowers given to him. I felt bad for not bringing him any.

I stepped closer to the tombstone, struggling to read the words engraved upon it because it was covered in snow.

“Forever sacred.” I finally managed to read aloud. I turned to Tom and gave him a small smile, “Did you pick that?” I asked him.

He nodded in reply. “It was the only thing I could think of at the time.” He shrugged, leaning against the tree.

“I think it fits beautifully.” I told him, joining him.

I didn’t care about my pants getting wet, at that moment, I didn’t care about anything, I sat down in front of Tom, facing Bill’s grave. Tom stared down at me for about a minute before he joined me on the snow covered grass.

“It feels weird knowing that he’s buried, dead, only a few feet from us.” I said numbly, wishing I could see his face just once more.

I tried to picture him, cold and lifeless, like that day in the hospital, but that wasn’t the way I wanted to remember Bill. I wanted to remember him the way he was when he was alive, the way he loved me. I wanted to remember the way he smelled, and his beautiful smile. I wanted to remember the way he held me, and when he sang me to sleep. Bill’s songs that he wrote for me, I would never forget them, and the way he played with Lucy, and how he seemed to understand anything, and how he never wanted to fight. He always said the sweetest things, and he was the only one whose eyes could literally made me melt. That was the way I was going to remember Bill Kaulitz.

Tom was as deep in thought as I was, I could see it in the way his brow furrowed.

“I want to get better.” Tom said suddenly.

I looked at him, confused at first. “I don’t want to shut Bianca out, and I want to be a good father, not a fucking alcoholic. I’ll always love Bill, and I know I won’t stop missing him, but I have to move on. And so do you, Sam.”

“I know, but I can’t do it alone-“ I said, looking at Tom.

“And you won’t have to, you’ll always have me. Always.” He said seriously.

For the first time in a long time, I smiled, a real, big, genuine smile.

“Tom, there are so many things I want to do. I need to go through Bill’s stuff, and find a new place to live. I need to get better, too. Not only for me, but for Lucy, and this new baby. And maybe now, I’ll have the strength to do it.”

I beamed at Tom, and he beamed back at me. He helped me up as we brushed ourselves off, and then. Unexpectedly, he hugged me tightly, picking me up and spinning me the way Bill used to when he was happy. The sun was shining in my eyes, my hair was flying everywhere, and tears were running down my face, but I was laughing.