Buried Myself Alive

Gerard’s POV:

Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Shit. Idiot. Dumbass. Loser.

I slammed the door of the bathroom. Kicking the wall, leaving a small insignificant dent in the wall.

“ARGH!” I felt the pain in my foot from my own stupidity. “Fucking HELL!”

I swore more then my entire life in the last 20 minutes. Ever since we left The Green Eagle. God I’m such a fucking idiot. I shouldn’t have done that. Even thought of that!!

“GOD DAMN IT!” I grabbed onto the sink. Turning the cold water on full blast and pullling the plug closed. It started filling up.

“God you’re an idiot. GOD! What is WRONG with you! Fuck you, Gerard! You ruin your own fucking life!”

No that wasn’t Mikey yelling at me through the door. That was me yelling at myself. I messed up BIG TIME.

I swung my hand at slammed the handle off.

“Hey, Gee? Gee? You okay? You were just drunk! Don’t beat yourself up! Gerard common just come out. Frank won’t care if your really gay.”

That was Mikey.

“Fuck off, Mikey! You don’t know shit!”

That was me.

“I know that you like him!”

That.

Hit.

Deep.

I grabbed the doorknob and pretty much almost threw it off it’s hinges. Okay, not really but I could have I was so pissed at myself. But taking it out on Mikey was what I did instead.

I walked up to him and he started backing up until he hit a wall and couldn’t go further. He was fucking taller then me and he couldn’t stand up for himself. I know he’s got the strength to, just not the balls.

“Gerard, just calm the fuck DOWN!”

I shook my head furiously. “NO! I can’t Mikes! I fucking MESSED UP! You don’t get it! You fucking saw him when I even HINTED he was GAY! I saw it in his EYES! HE HATES PEOPLE LIKE ME!”

Mikey got fumed by my hysteria. He shoved me back until I landed on the old sofa we ’inherited’ from our Grandparents.

“GOD GERARD! Are you that fucking stupid! You don’t know SHIT about Frank! At least I had a somewhat REAL conversation with him! Gosh! You’re such a self centered bitch! He has a fucking ABUSIVE F-”

He backed up shaking his head. “You don’t know anything, Gerard. If you deserve to know he’ll tell you himself. Stop beating me up for your own stupid shit mistakes and problems.”

He turned and headed for the only bedroom in the apartment. I gave it to him, when our parents… Another story for another time. He kicked the door open with his foot.

“THANKS FOR RUINING MY NIGHT, GERARD!”

Slam

I stared at the ceiling, folding my arms on my chest. My inner girl kicking in as I felt the tears form in my eyes. “Yeah, Mikes, just doing my job..”

I breathed in a deep breath that caught halfway in my throat as I blocked a sob. I ruined everything. I ruined tonight. I ruined my life. I ruined Mikey’s life. I ruined every fucking thing.

It was my fault we live in a place with one bedroom. It was my fault my parents hated me. It was my fault they don’t care anymore. It was my fault they don’t care about us.

My ranting thought continued as I tried to remember that Mikey chose to come with me. That I promised to make our lives better without those assholes we had for parents. I never was one to hold onto promises…

I clamped my eyes shut trying to keep out all the visions of memories I wanted to forget. I hate that. Have you ever noticed that? The memories you don’t want are the ones that stay the clearest.

Shouts. Screams. Tears. Cries. Breaks. Breaths. Claws. Blood. Pain. Healing.

That was what was in my life from the time I was 13 to the time I was 16. Shouts; My mother’s curses at me, her shark like eyes, no love in them at all. Screams; Either mine or Mikey’s, mine trying to escape the grip of my homophobic father or Mikey’s as he watched trying to help me. Tears; The hot burning droplets making their way out of my eyes to show my weakness. Cries; Mikey’s sobs coming from the top of the steps and the blowing fists collided with my chest. Breaks; All the “Skating” incidents that never happened.
Claws; The talon’s from my Mother’s nails digging into my skin as she gripped my face. Blood; The color I saw everyday. Pain; The feeling in both my heart and aching body. Healing; Only to start with the shouts again.

Yeah, What a life for a kid right? I remember the day I skipped school to hang out with Adam. He was my first boyfriend… I sighed remembering how happy I was around him compared to my real life. When I was around Adam, I was in another place. I was actually happy.

”Common, Gee! Let’s just go to your place today. It’s not as we ever pay attention in that hole anyway!” Adam showed all his teeth, his hand gripping my jacket sleeve pulling me away from the highschool. We had just finished lunch and we were supposed to return to classes, but I didn’t mind Adam’s schedule either.

“Common, Baby, you know you want me now…” His voice lowered as his eyes glowed. My insides knotted together. My tongue trapped behind my teeth, no words able to form themselves.

He pulled me (literally) from my thoughts, dragging me toward “home”. If only he knew. Stumbling over the uneven sidewalks and tripping on the cracks, we reached the house that was my “home”.

The two story house, painted peach, stared down at me. Glaring. Adam’s smile made me ignore the watching house.

“Common, Gee! I want to have youall to myself today.”

His hair parted to the left, straightened to hide the waves that would sometimes show. His eyes always seemed to be puppy eyes, needing to be at my side. He slipped his arm around my waist and snuggled his head into my side.

A giggle escaped his throat. I looked down at him curiously. He just shook his head and began running toward the front door. I followed my sweetheart, fumbling through my pockets to find the house key. I finally pulled it out when I reached the door, sliding the metal into the hole that kept everything inside safe.

Pssh. Even with that lock I’d never be safe.

After Adam skipped into the house I turned to close and relock the door. I felt a warm hand lace into mine. Adam pulled on my arm, leading me toward my bedroom. It’s amazing the memory he had for only being in my room once before.

He squeezed my hand and pulled me to him. I loved how even though he was about two inches shorter then me, he was always leading everything.

He placed the hand that wasn’t attached to mine on my cheek, gently gliding his thumb back and forth. I closed my eyes, sighing. I knew in my heart I loved him.

He placed his lips on my nose, trailing his lips lower until they met my own. Every time he kissed me, it always made my heart race. I could feel the slight wetness of his lips moving slowly to match mine. I felt like I was melting into him. I leaned forward to put more passion into it, then pulled back.

A second of hurt spread across his face, then it disappeared. He was used to me doing this. I had told him it was because I was afraid to get to close to someone. I could never tell him the rest of the reasons.

What if my father found out? My mother? If they hurt me, I was used to that. If they ever hurt him, I could never live with that..

“Gerard.. You don’t have to keep worrying.. You know.. I love you.”

I looked down. I knew.

“Adam, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I still can’t let you close enough to me. I want to. I want to so much, but I can’t.”

He gave me a small sad smile, leaning forward to kiss my nose.

“I know, Gee. It’s okay.”

But he didn’t know.

Adam turned around to sit on my bed. He lined his knees up with the edge of the mattress, lifting his arms up, and fell face forward onto the red blanket. I heard the whoosh of his breath as his face hit the covers.

I laughed and jumped onto the bed next to him. I climbed on top of him, straddling him from behind. He lifted his head up, turning it trying to get a better view of what I was doing. I knew he liked me doing this since I never did anything where I was in control.

I leaned down, putting my lips right next to his ear. I just stayed there for a few seconds. I whispered into his ear. “Shh..”

His eyes closed and I attached my lips to his neck moving up toward his earlobe then back to his collarbone. Once I heard his breathing deepen, I knew why he likes being in control most of the time. Nothing can compare to knowing you’re the one making the person you care so much about feel so good.

I pulled neck back, my lips tingling. He sighed underneath me. I threw myself next to him, and he turned and looked at me. His eyes were so soft and golden. He smiled and moved closer to me, wrapping his leg around me.

I felt his crotch pressing against my leg, a slight bulge growing. I ignored it, not wanting the sweetness of the moment to turn too hot.

“Gee…” He stopped, not knowing what to say. He moved his head to connect with my lips again. How much I loved his lips.

I could hear footsteps coming up the stairs. I didn’t panic, thinking it was just Mikey. Oh how wrong I was.

The bedroom door flew open. My always angry Father staring, mouth opened at me and my boyfriend. I felt Adam’s head turn to look at me, but I couldn’t move my head from the ice eyes that bore into me.

“What do you think you’re doing you little whore, Gerard? You think you can bring some- some- FAGGOT into my house!” My loving father’s voice boomed through the room.

Adam was now standing, looking at my father in disbelief. I was in too much of shock to move. Adam was so lucky, the way his parents were.

Accepting. Caring. Loving.

Unlike mine. Which weren’t at all.

Abusing. Careless. Hating.

My father turned to face Adam. His hand gripped onto his shirt, lifting my heart off the ground. “How DARE you come into MY house!”

My shock went away, and I stood up trying to get my dad to put Adam down. “Let go! Dad, Please! Please don’t hurt him! Just hurt me! I won’t care! Please! Just let him GO!”

My father dropped Adam, turning toward me. A smile appeared on his lips. He walked toward me and I started backing up until I hit a the wall of my room. His hand met my throat squeezing enough for me to feel my throat close.

“I’ll take care of you after you’re slut over there leaves. Which better be SOON do you hear me?” He let go of my throat and stared down at me. I nodded, gasping for air. He smiled again, kicking Adam’s side before finally leaving the room.

I managed to crawl over to Adam. I placed my head on his chest. “I’m sorry…”

He tried to get up, so I lifted my head and sat up. He whined as he picked himself up. I stood up and sat on my bed, waiting for him to say something. He was shaking.

“Gerard.. I’m sorry, too.” He placed two fingers on my chin to lift my head so I would look at him. His eyes, so hurt and sad. The love that was there before killed by my father’s curses and beating. He kissed my lips lightly. Letting me have a memory of him.

That kiss seemed to last forever in the few seconds it really was.

“Goodbye..” He whispered it to me, not looking at my face. He stood up and walked out my bedroom door, and out of my life. I knew in that goodbye, it would be the last time I saw him. It was a after all , a goodbye.