Buried Myself Alive

I open my eyes again to realize I had fallen asleep. Again. I heard an annoying sound coming from the kitchen. I grumbled and put my arm over m head. I didn’t want to wake up now.

The annoying sound continued until I realized it was their telephone ringing. I heard a loud groan come from Quinn’s bedroom and a thud. I guess he wasn’t a morning person either. I could hear his bedroom door swing open and him mumbling to himself.

“Stupid fucking telemarketers calling so god fucking damn early.”

He heavy footsteps continued till the stopped in the kitchen. I heard the click of the phone as he picked up on whoever called.

“What the fuck do you want- Oh hey, Mikey!” His voice going from death threat to camp counselor. I could a few taps coming from the kitchen. Sound like thud ta thud. Quinn was probably tapping his knuckles or fingers against the counter top.

"Ray...? Figures. Yeah, it's cool." He paused. "I was just about to get up anyway."

Bullshit.

My eyes were open now, staring at the beige ceiling above me. No going back to sleep for me now.

“Today?” I heard Quinn’s voice question. “Well, he’s still out on the couch. I dunno what time he’ll be up. Yeah- No, I know. I’ll tell Jepha later.” I could almost mentally see Quinn nodding. I didn’t know him for a long time, but it seemed like something he’d do.

“Yeah.. Hey, how’s Gerard?” His voice got lower, almost whispering.

Silence.

It lasted about 3 minutes. I wonder what Mikey could be saying. Fuck I wish I had like super hearing. Like a- a- dog! I groaned to myself. This comparing myself to a dog thing was getting ridiculous.

“He what!? Well has he done it before? Are you sure he-”

What could Gerard have done? Did he leave? Why would he? Was it worse than that?

“No.. I um hold on met me check.” Uh, oh. I didn’t like the word check. I have a feeling that meant me. I closed my eyes. Damn it let him not notice I was awake.

I waited. For words, anything. But it was too quiet. Then I heard it. The whisper.

“Yeah he’s still asleep.”

I took in a deep breath and released it. I wanted to know what Mikey was saying about me. I knew it was something he didn’t want me to know.

“Are you sure it’s because of- Well, Mikey that really helped him.” Quinn’s voice dripped with sarcasm. I wanted to scream. My insides already were but I was stopping myself from using my voice. I needed to hear more. I needed to know what happened to Gerard.

I sighed mentally. I shouldn’t care this much. I knew. But I couldn’t help it. I had to admit, to myself, at least. I cared about him. I cared about Gerard. I didn’t even know his last name.

Then I thought about it. He didn’t know mine either. And Quinn.. He had said that Gerard felt something for me since he looked at me when he kissed Bert. Even I saw that. But it still could mean absolutely nothing…

“Mikey, you should come over. No he won’t care. I can tell this is messing with you man! Just- fuck it! Mikey, you’re coming over here now.” He hissed trying to keep his voic edown. He was caring but only agitated because, I guess, Mikey refused.

Where could Gerard have gone? ?

*Time Lapse* Estimated time: 1:53 P.M

“I know! Alright! I know!”, Mikey sobbed violently into Jepha’s shoulder, “I should have never yelled at him… I- I’m sorry F-Frank! I messed up! I- I…”

Mikey hiccupped and looked down. He lifted up his glasses to wipe away his tears. I was slightly annoyed inside. Mikey had been here for fucking 2 hours and I still didn’t know what this had to do with me. All Mikey kept doing was apologizing and bawling his eyes out over his runaway brother. I admit I felt for him but I still wanted to know what happened to my newly discovered crush.

I flared my nostrils, as a sudden rush of frustration ignited inside of me. Gerard being the match.

“MIKEY FUCKING WHATEVER YOU GOD DAMN LAST NAME IS!” I stood up violently causing my chair to fall back. I saw Mikey cringe and whimper into Jeph. Jepha said nothing. He knew, as did Quinn, whatever this had to do with me.

I was in the fucking dark. They all knew and they protected Mikey over my feelings. I might think I’m a fucking mutt in my mind but I’m still fucking human.

I breathed in to relax myself. It only worked about... Nope, it didn’t work at all.

“SOMEONE TELL ME WHY I’M FUCKING CLUELESS ABOUT EVERYTHING! I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. I WANT TO KNOW IT MOTHER FUCKING ALL.”

I felt a pang inside as I saw Quinn’s left eye cringe. I sighed. And collapsed onto the floor. My knees coming in contact with the floor, creating a loud thump and sending pain through me. I didn’t care. I couldn’t care. I wouldn’t care. I shouldn’t care. I cared.

I broke then. Tears like forgotten streams ran down my cheeks. I would have pulled my hood over to hide myself from them. I was tired of hiding my feelings.

For seventeen fucking years I hid them. From my mother, my father, even my own fucking self…

Quinn stood up from the sofa and kneeled down next to me. He inched closer to me, wrapping his arms around me. I tried to fight him off. But I didn’t want to. I needed him.

I gave up. Inside. I was down. I needed to get rid of the tears I’ve held in my entire miserable life.

I pushed my head into Quinn’s chest. My sob’s were thunder compared to Mikey’s lightning. I gripped onto Quinn, my arms tightly around his waist. He rested his head onto mine.

“Shh.. Frank, common it’s okay..” Quinn’s comforting whisper sent me to a time where my mother was the one who comforted me.

”Mommy!” I wailed. Blood trailed down my scraped knee. The mean, big boy did it. I couldn’t tell mommy though. He’d hurt me again.

I heard him laughing as he ran away. She ran over carrying her purse on her right shoulder. She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tight to her.

“Shh, my Frankie.. It’ll be fine, alright honey? Show me where it hurts.” Her calm, caring voice stopped my tears. I pointed to the cut on my knee. She clicked her tongue.

“How it happen, sweetie?” I shrugged my shoulders and looked at the red dripping down my leg.

I watched Mommy reach into her purse and pulled out a bag filled with Batman and Robin band-aids and little wipes in separate packages. She wiped the cut and cleaned up the blood and put on the band-aid. She kissed my boo-boo and then my forehead making me giggle.

“Now Frankie, why do we fall?”

I looked up at her, waiting for the answer.

“To pick ourselves right back up!” She scooped me into her arms. I smiled at her.

“Just like Batman!” She laughed that precious laugh of hers.

“Yes, Frank. Just like Batman.”