Buried Myself Alive

*Gerard’s POV* (Still night)

Fuck.

I had no fucking clue where I was. So smart, Gerard. It was still dark. Mikey, I hope you know I’m sorry. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I felt thedream nightmare flood back into my mind.

”Kiss me.” I stared at the boy with wide eyes. No, he didn’t just say that did he? Yeah, he did.

He took a few more steps toward me, I felt my breath catch. He’s not going to kiss me. I swallowed and I bit my lip. He smirked at me and put his hand on my cheek. His hand was so warm…

My eyes slipped closed and he laughed under his breath. I suddenly felt something touch my lips. His lips. I pushed against them lightly. God, this felt so good. I opened my eyes and saw his. They were so light and soft, full of happiness and love… They were beautiful.

Until they changed. They turned into a dark, piercing hate filled glare. He pushed me. I felt myself fall backwards.

“Why the fuck did you kiss me? You think I’m another little faggot like you?” His eyes bore into me, I could myself shattering on the inside. My heart made of glass.

“Frank. I didn’t do anything! You kissed me! You did! You meant it!” He scoffed.

“You wish.”

I gritted my teeth. I knew what I had to do. I just didn’t know how to do it yet. I sighed. It was easy to get out of the apartment. Fire escape. Of course.

I tripped while going down them. Some stupid kid kicked a kickball onto the fire escape. Sounds like a tongue twister.

Some stupid kid kicked a kickball. Say that ten times fast.

I coughed. It was slightly chilly out, I knew I should have brought that jacket with me. I wouldn’t need it soon so it wouldn’t matter. I just had to keep walking and I would find what I needed eventually.

… Or I get hit by a car. That could work too.

I had been walking for what seemed like hours but it was probably just a few minutes. A couple blocks. I was stupid for going out at like 2 in the fucking morning. But I stopped caring a while ago. Mikey was right. I ruined his life. No, not his night. His whole fucking life.

I felt something roll down my cheek. I growled at myself. Gerard Arthur Way. Real men didn’t cry. No they didn’t. No they didn’t. You know they didn’t. Dad never did. But you did, Gerard. You always cried.

Like now.

It was getting slightly lighter. The skyline turning a dark purple instead of its deep violet. I wandered around the streets, turning on random corners and passing things that looked somewhat familiar. All I did was walk.

Just keep on walking.

I passed stores, apartment buildings, and yet more apartment buildings. Rarely being brought out of the dark by a street light. I hated myself. I hated myself for everything. I hurt everything. I hurt everyone. I hurt Mikey, my own little brother who I love so much…

But even I knew what this was really about. Another cough came from my throat. I was falling for someone again. I promised myself I wouldn’t.

I lied.

I ended up walking by some side streets I would have never guessed was here. Normal sized houses lined against both sides of the road, one with a small pond in front. I felt a smile cross my lips as I gazed upon the tiny bridge that crossed the water. I wish I could live there…

I continued down the street. Everything was quiet. Until my mind decided against that.

Nothing could stop the pain flowing from my head, through my very blood, passing through my heart and stabbing me with each pulse. It was my fault. Always my fault. I ruined everything. I hurt everything.

I sighed trying to make the hurt go away. I held in the tears to my best effort, but even that wasn’t enough. I heard the soft trickling of the water behind me. I hated myself. I hated myself for lying to myself. I knew I felt something tugging at me as soon as I took in his features, heard his voice, watching his lips form a smile, heard him laugh at something I said.

I hated myself. I hated me for saying that I loved freaking him out by him thinking I was gay. Who was I kidding saying Mikey was gayer than me. Pssh… I was always the soft one. I was always the fucking chick.

I sighed again. Voices playing in my head like a broken record in a bad movie. Words of my brother, mother, father, even Quinn.. I hurt him too. Just because I was a fucking idiot.

I shivered as the wind blew through me. Only one thing could describe that chill. It felt like a part of my was snatched and taken away from me, a place where I could never retrieve it. I knew who took it. I knew where it went. I also knew I wasn’t getting it back.

My heart snapped in half over and over and over again. Between everyone I had ever cared for. Whether unconditional or not. But the small piece of my heart left from all the pain still beat for my current star. His name being.. Well it was pretty obvious even though I tried my best to hide it…

The houses finally stopped, grass spread along the ground of a large park. It was hidden behind all these houses. No one who lived where I lived would have ever found this. I looked up at the sky, it was getting lighter by the minute. A shade lavender purple shown now.

I had no clue at all where I was. That was probably better though, Mikey would never find me. I wandered into the hidden park. I stepped over rocks and old branches, scaring a squirrel when I snapped one my accident. Ten my eye caught something I never seen before.

I spotted this one tree, fall buds still on the branches where blooms should be. They were a dark red color and the bark was a dark brown, almost black. My thoughts shut down, curiosity getting the better of me. I walked up to the strange tree and reached my hand out. My fingers collided with the rough bark. I traced down the lines and until smooth grooves took its place.

I kneeled down next to the tree, trying to read what was carved into the wood. I could only make out a few letters. H, I, S, I, and A were above I, R, and O. There were other letters but I couldn’t read them in this shallow lighting.

I backed away, marveling at the tree. I looked to my left and right. There were no other trees like it near here, just normal boring trees spread along the park.. I walked to my right trying to find a partner for the lonely tree.

I found no other tree like it. I found two oaks, one maple, and four pines, but no tree like the one I found. I headed back to try to find the mysterious tree when my foot stepped into a hole. I looked down startled by the change in ground.

Indents of what seemed to be a table was marked into the grass. I walked around it following the paths marked into the dirt. There were remaining hints of carnival rides, picnic tables rotting away by a green garbage bin, an old dart board still hanging on a hallow tree trunk, and sad looking dead balloons stuck on the braches of a tall maple tree.

I stared at everything around me. I could picture the ferris wheel light up at night, people laughing and eating hot fogs and ice cream, little kids happily wearing their red balloons on their wrists. I then pictured a young boy who’s blue balloon was being taken by the wind. Tears in his eyes but he didn’t whine or scream or run for his mother. He just watched his balloon fly higher until he could no longer see it in the sky. Until it was gone..

“Fuck!” I realized I had tears in my eyes now. I wanted to run, my gut wanted me to run, my mind wanted me to run. Just get away from a pain that was mine. But my heart, that god damned thing that kept me breathing, wanted me to go home.

I thought I’d come here to die. To do the thing I’ve wanted to do for so, so long… The chill blew into me again. I pulled my right sleeve up, scars of my past nightmares etched into me like the letters into the bark of that tree. Only I could see them at first glance, the marks so light and pale that blended with my skin.

No one knew what I had done. No one. Not even Mikey, and he never would. He wouldn’t know the words Faggot, Loser, Goth, Broken, and Adam were there. Only me.

I let the sleeve fall on the invisible cuts. Yeah, that’s right. I wanted to die. I’ve wanted to die.

I found myself in front of that tree again. I reached up to one of it’s branches and pulled off a bud. I squeezed it in my palm. When I opened my hand, a red liquid puddle was cupped there, the small leaves crushed together. I brought my hand to my nose.

A mixture of honey, rose, lavender, and fire wood filled my nostrils. I sank down against the bark, sliding down till I hit the moist ground. My eyes were heavy with guilt and a need. A need of two things. Make that three.

Sleep, Death, and Love.

I closed my eyes ,the smell still there. I needed him. That’s all I needed. I needed Frank..

“I need you..”

I didn’t know if that was my voice but who’s ever it was, they were crying. I sighed against the tree, moving closer to it. I folded my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them.

I wanted someone to care about me. Someone other then my brother, someone who loves me more then a friend. I needed someone who’d stay with me to the end.

I slowly opened my eyes, the sky lighter, brighter. The sun making the park sparkle, making the wetness of everything shine. I closed my eyes again and waited.