Buried Myself Alive

I finally pushed Quinn away. His face showing a hurt expression. I glared at Mikey. “Tell me what the fuck happened to him now. I‘ve been sitting here for over an hour and I have no clue what this has to do with me!”

Mikey was still clutching Jepha but his tears had stopped making him look stronger then I did. I knew what I looked like I didn’t even have to ask. I knew my eyes were red, tear stained trails were probably painted on my face, and my teeth were chattering. Mikey’s eyes met mine.

“Gerard… He left because of m-me.” He stopped and took a deep breath, his eyes returning to the floor. “Frank…. He left because I messed up. He was so upset.. I hadn’t seen him like that since …”

A strong and thick silence creeped up on us. Mikey’s eyes spacing out, a memory obviously playing in his head. What could have happened to his brother that would be so-

“Since the night we were..” His eyes glanced at Quinn. I looked at him, he nodded quickly. Quinn’s eyes were slightly wet. This affected him too? “He was kicked out of our parents house.”

He took in another deep breath. “The only difference he was physically hurt, but Gerard.. He was hurt so much worse last night. When he gets hurt, when his heart gets hurt, he can get so messed up inside and it’s all my fault…”

Mikey’s eyes starting getting teary and red. He cracked. “I should have never yelled at him! God, I’m so stupid! I know better. I know better, but no I still did it.”

His head lifted to me. He was looking me straight in the eyes. I felt dumb as hell. I just stood there, blank faced taking in all these things I never would have guessed about the man who seemed to happy. Gerard may be a drunk sometimes, may make bad decisions, but I would have never, not ever have guessed his parents had kicked him out. I meant I knew Jeff hated me but I guess now I realize… He did care about me enough to let me live at his house..

“Frank! Frank, you don’t understand how he feels! I know, I know he likes you! It’s hurting him inside so much to think you’d hate him for that. He wants to know you. He wants to get to know you, Frank!”

Mikey stood up and grabbed my shirt by the neck. He pleaded, “Please, Frank… I just want my brother home and safe. Don’t hate him… He can’t help himself… He’s been through so much.. Too much..”

He let go, tears fully streaming down his face. He cared so much about his brother. Mikey loved Gerard more then I thought could be possible for anyone.

Mikey looked at me expecting me to say something. But what could I say? What could I do? Nothing… I was no Superman. I couldn’t save Gerard. I couldn’t even save myself…

I wiped my eyes and turned and picked my chair back up. It was so quiet.. The only sound in the room was breathing, sobs, sniffs, and my chair scratching the floor. I fixed it up right and sat down. I covered my face with my hands hoping, like a little kid would, that it would hide me from them all.

I took in a deep breath. My thoughts thinking about how strange breathing was. We did it without knowing, without thinking. Just instinct. I concentrated on the feeling on my chest filling up. This kept me alive. Just a simple thing.

I slipped out of reality and fell into thoughts. Human bodies could only go with food for 3 weeks, water for 3 days, but air.. Just minutes. Such a complex but simple thing. I didn’t want to need air, food, water, or anything. I wanted to be by myself. Starve myself, kill myself by depriving myself. How would that work out?

Could I actually hold my breath long enough to maybe.. Pass out? My heart smiled. Sounds pleasant enough. All I had to do- was- stop- bre-

“Frank?” A hand grabbed my shoulder. I lowered my hands and opened my eyes. I found myself looking into Quinn’s eyes, and in them was a mirror that showed myself. I had never cried this much.. Not since.. Mom…

My breath was erratic, from the sobs. My eyes were red, from the crying. My head aching, from the depressing thoughts. My heart burning, from everything.

“Jepha, take care of Mikey for a bit. I’m going to go for some air with Frank.” Jepha nodded his head and stood up and brought Mikey back down to the couch. Mikey’s eyes were clenched shut and he was mumbling something to himself.

I looked up at Quinn. He started to walk toward the door. It was my queue to follow. I got up and hurried to catch up to him, shutting the front door behind me. Quinn was already heading up the stairs to the next floor I guess. Or the roof?

I quickly made my way down the white walled hallway and up the purple carpeted stairs. Don’t ask me who picks purple for an apartment carpet color. I followed Quinn up what seemed like 3 flights of stairs when I saw him head out a door that most likely led to the roof.

I made it to the door and pushed it open. Why did he want to come up here to talk? Was he gunna help me and persuade me to jump? He wouldn’t do that.. Right?

I noted I was right about the roof. The tar paved floor covered with spots from pigeons. I walked to where he stood by a bricked square that protected who knows what. A dish maybe?

Quinn slumped down to the ground , so I followed and plopped down next to him.

“Frank?” He lifted his head and looked at me. His eyes were curious, he wanted to know something.

“Yeah, Quinn?” I fumbled with my sleeve again, mentally yelling at myself for making it obvious I was nervous.

“What do you feel for Gerard? If anything?” I knew at that moment he knew there was something I wasn’t going to admit. My heart started to beat faster then normal. My tongue tied behind my lips.

“If your thinking I’m gay then you fucking wrong, Quinn. I have no problem with you being ..ya know. But I’m not.”

Shut up fucking mind! Shut upp!!

Quinn looked at me unsurprised by my response. Indifferent. “I figured. There’s nothing wrong with it. I’m just telling you, from what I’ve heard Gerard is very sensitive. If he decides to tell you he likes you or something just say whatever you’d say to him.. Just say it nicely, for his sake.”

I was speechless. Did Quinn actually buy that? Wait. I’m gay then? I mentally cringed.

“Gerard is delicate, Frank. Which is obvious if he’s beating himself up over the small display that happened last night. He really likes you. I know you not into him, but at least be his friend, or at least try. He doesn’t seem bad. I’ve known him about as long as you have.” He paused. “Tell me how did he act, how did he treat you last night. Before the incident.”

I thought back. His attempts to get me to talk. He made me laugh and smile. Then I remember something I hadn’t noticed.

I shifted myself closer to Gerard. I felt safer sitting closer to him then the other guy.
~~
I felt something tap my foot. Shit, it was Gerard’s foot. I jumped back. Why am I so jumpy? This is too weird. It just from so many people. Yeah that’s it. I looked at Gerard’s shoes, he had a pair of worn black Converse on. He pulled his foot back a little then tipped his heel up and started swaying his foot back and forth.
~~
In the corner of my eye I saw Gerard had brought his hand up to his lips, I caught the hidden smile. I could see that his eyes were lighter in color. He did that on purpose! He didn’t seem thegay type. I mean well he had to have a girlfriend. He looked too … to not have one. Is that why he asked me if I had a girlfriend?

I felt safe by Gerard! He touched my foot on purpose! He liked that too… it made him smile! He looked too what? What could I have thought of that made me… What was he really implying by asking me about a girlfriend?

Then the real meaning of the flashback registered. I liked being by him, I liked the fact it made him smile to touch me in the simplest of ways. I liked that he could have been implying the fact he had feelings for me. Bottom line, the nervous feeling and the jumpiness was a response to my liking of him.

Great. I’m gay…..