Buried Myself Alive

“Quinn? Could my feelings for him mean I’m-?” I felt a light feeling of heat creep onto my cheeks. Fuck. I’m blushing.

He sat and thought. I looked at the sky, blue and white spread throughout it. It was rare to have days like this. It was almost like the sky was a canvas, each cloud was a brush stroke that was painted so carefully that it only described perfection.

“Only you would know. It’s your feelings.. I mean umm.. Try to explain to me what you feel for him. I want to make sure I understand it fully. After I’ll need to tell you more about Gerard, you’ll need to know more about him.”

I took a deep breath, preparing myself. “I feel just.. So comfortable around him. When I’m by Gerard I feel just so safe. At the bar his foot tapped mine and he tried to hide this smile but I was freaking out in my mind. Only now do I figure out I was freaking out because I didn’t understand my feelings. I think in called him hot in my mind too. I’m not really sure…”

My voiced trailed away as I realized how stupid I must have sounded. Then I noticed Quinn was smiling. Was he silently laughing at me??

“You know Frank, I’d say you're falling for Gerard but your unsure of yourself. Which is fine since you’ve never had any relationship, right? Plus, you’ve never liked a guy before either. So you shouldn’t be worried.”

I let out the breath I hadn’t realized I was holding. Then I wonderer back to what he had said, After I’ll need to tell you more about Gerard, you’ll need to know more about him.

“But umm.. About Gerard..” As I started to speak, as soon as I retention his name Quinn’s smile fell. Not because of Gerard, obviously it was the subject this was going to lead to. Which wasn’t helping my nerves.

“Last night, you know after the whole kissing incident, “ His voice got a little lower on the word kissing which showed that the fact Gerard had kissed Bert still got to him. “You know why Gerard wanted to leave so soon? Why he was so antsy and pissed at the world? Well he was afraid you’d hate him and his guts after seeing that. He felt you’d just see him as a drunk, I guess. Maybe he might’ve thought you had something against homosexuals or something-”

My breath caught again. This was like the sixth time today. But this time the reason was I, again, remembered something. It was small and meaningless to me, but to Gerard… From all I’ve heard he’s over the top sensitive.

“Quinn! Oh Fuck, I messed up. Well not really because there was nothing to mess up at the time… but I got pissed off at Gerard because he jokingly implied to that I was Mikey’s hooker. I got annoyed and my voice can sometimes get.. Threatening when I’m annoyed. I told him I’m not gay. But it.. It probably sounded..”

I breathed and I had to admit something to Quinn before he spoke again. I mean I had to at least tell him that I had something against gays until I met him. I saw him open his mouth to speak but I cut him off.

“Quinn, wait. I just have one more thing to say. At that time, like before I met you, I kind of did have a thing against- uh, homosexuals.” I scrunched my nose at how weird it was to say that word. “ It was really because of the way I was brought up added to the fact I had never met anyone who was really gay. I just had ‘knew’ that guys with guys was wrong, and chicks with chicks were wrong. Then, when you asked me in the car if I had something against gay people.. Well I thought about it for the first time.

I mean just because you like a guy when you happen to be a guy doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. I mean you’re like one of the nicest and coolest guys I’ve known. Well next to Mikey, but he’s the weirdest, nicest guy I know.”

I chuckled a little at the end about Mikey. He was the nicest guy I knew though. I mean who goes up to a random stranger theses day and talks to them like they’ve known them.

Quinn smiled at me again. “You know Frank.. You sort of remind me of myself in this strange, freaky way. But that’s a story for another time. When there’s less important things happening. Mikey’s really worried about Gerard. He’d probably go out and look for him himself but he’s so out of it right now. I don’t if you’re up for it but-”

I knew where he was going. Even though I wanted to know more of Quinn’s story I knew it wasn’t the time for it. I felt something brighten inside me at that second. I wanted to find Gerard. I wanted to talk to him alone. About what, I had no clue. I just wanted to talk to him..

“I’ll go look for him!” My voice was kind of high. I mentally lifted an eyebrow at my voice, what the hell was up with me? Quinn seemed to be thinking the same thing and actually lifted his own eyebrow.

“Umm.. Okay? We should probably check back on Jepha. I hope Mikey’s feeling better. He might be able to help us with places Gerard might go.” When he finished explaining his plan he stood up. Again, I followed.

Once we back inside the apartment, we were downright shocked with what we saw. I couldn’t help but let an awwww slip from my lips.

Mikey was lying on the couch on top of Jepha, who was slumped against the arm of the sofa. They both seemed to be asleep, but it was still adorable. I noticed Jepha slept with his mouth open. No wonder he snored.

I looked at Mikey’s sleeping face carefully. It was only now when I could pick out the similarities. Mikey’s hair was pushed back instead of hanging in his eyes which allowed me to see his features better. He had the same shaped eyebrows as Gerard along with…

“Ugh. Great… Jepha! Michael! Get up!” I caught Quinn rolling his eyes as he spoke loudly. So loud that I actually cringed. He also used the voice. The same voice he used at the bar when everyone jumped me about beer. Yeah, I wasn’t liking the voice when it was annoyed.

Grunts came from Mikey first, then Jepha. Jepha didn’t seem like he wanted to wake up any time soon, but Mikey opened his eyes. They were still a little red, more on the pink side, and they showed this lost, lonely look. Maybe without his brother he really was lost?

“Is he back?” Someone softly asked the question. I knew it was Mikey, but only because I saw his lips move. It sounded nothing like the bright, bubbly, talkative, and happy Mikey I met yesterday. It sounded.. like wind. Exactly like the wind, whispering nothing as it passed your ear.

Quinn spoke, answering him. “No, Mikey. He’s not back yet…”

Mikey’s eyes glanced down at the floor as he pulled himself off Jepha. He woke up right after Mikey sat up right. “Where’s my blanket??”

His eyes darted around until it was obvious he remembered what happened. I really don’t know how he could forget. Quinn and I had to only have been up on the roof for less then an hour. I guess they were both exhausted, even though Mikey had a better reason to be. Stress overload and stuff.

I felt it was my turn to speak, since Mikey was looking at the floor, Quinn was staring at something only he could see again, and Jepha was plain out of it.

“I’m going out to look for him.”

My announcement brought Mikey’s eye away from the floor until they reached mine. They were silently questioning me, wondering why I would do that for him. But they were also knowing, a slight spark in them because he did know why I was going to do this.

“Frank, you don’t have to. He’s my brother I should be-”

I cut him off. “No. Michael, you’re in no condition. I’m going out to look for him and I will bring him back.”

Mikey stood up off the couch and took a few steps nearer to me. He wrapped one arm around me and put his head against my shoulder. “Thank you, Frank.”

He pulled back and smiled at me, his eyes glowing once again. “I’m glad I talked to you last night.”

I smiled back. “You’re not the only one.”