Buried Myself Alive

*Gerard's POV*

I asked him the question before I realized what I was doing. Thinking even. I felt everything flood back in so suddenly. It was as if one second I thought my dreams were real, until I realized they were real. I was waking up to the face of Frank. The same man I was currently crushing on. It couldn’t be real, his eyes staring into mine. But it was.

Then it came into me. The hate, no. It wasn’t hate… I don’t know what it was but it was there. I felt it crawl into my senses. It snapped at him.

Then I saw him tense up, his eyes looked away from me. They moved to the bark of the tree, following the grooves in it with his eyes the way I followed them with my fingers last night. His glance met mine, pained and betrayed.

“What do you mean, what am I doing here? What the fuck do you think I’m doing here. I’ve been looking for you for at least an hour. You’ve probably taken 3 years off of Mikey’s life by pulling this stunt. He’s been having a fucking heart attack at Jeph’s since this morning!”

Frank’s eyes closed as he took in a deep breath. What the fuck was his problem? He didn’t have to come looking for me. That was his choice. Why couldn’t he leave me alone like he was supposed to.

“Get away from me, Frank. Just tell Mikey I killed myself. He probably already thinks I threw myself off the bridge anyway.” I knew I was being cocky, but I just didn’t care.

He leaned against the tree and moved from his crouching position to sitting. I could feel him leaning onto me now. I was torn between myself. Part of me wanted to grab onto him, hold him and tell him the truth, that I wanted to be saved, but then the other part of me wanted to pull away and continue to bark at him, and wanted to drown.

“Why would I say that, Gerard? Why would I say that….?” His voice trailed off as it got quiet. I saw his head bow the face the ground.

I looked away from him. I didn’t care that he cared about me, or at least I didn’t want to care that he cared about me. I couldn’t let my feelings show again. I wasn’t going to let them show.

I stood up, catching his head turn to look up at me. I began to walk. I walked away toward the same place I was before, where the picnic tables stood rotting away.

I couldn’t hear anyone behind. He didn’t follow me. I stopped walking and looked up to face the sky, the sun mocking me. I wish he had followed me.. I wish I could just let myself fall for someone else. But I couldn’t. I wasn’t going to let my heart be broken again. I only wanted it whole.

Then I heard the sound of the light swishes against the grass. His voice frantic, like that of a mother who can‘t find their child. Then it held surprise. “Gerard! Gerard, where are- You’re here?”

I looked up. I hate your eyes so much. They are so much like mine, but so unlike mine. They showed the pain buried underneath, they held the regrets, they showed you were as lost as I was, but they also showed something I only ever had a long time ago. They held hope.

“Where else would I be, Frank? I could never outrun you, I couldn’t get away from you if I wanted to..” I gritted my teeth realizing what I just let slip through my lips.

“Gerard, what happened? How could you change so much, in what 10 hours? Last night you were so friendly.. You cared about me and I was a complete stranger to you! I shut myself and closed the door but you managed to get inside and talk to me. I wanted to be able to talk to you too. Last night you were a completely different person.”

I glared at him again, unsure if he could see it through the hair shielding my eyes. “That was last night.”

Ugh. Last thing I needed to remember. Last night. I ground my teeth against each other, I need to get away from this guy.

I heard Frank sigh. “You know I’ve been here before. I don’t know when, but I recognize it. I’m glad I found you here, Gerard. I know you’re not happy I found you… but you will one day. You know, Mikey wants to see you.”

I glared at him again. Was he trying to lay the guilt card? Did he not get Mikey was better without me? Nope.

“I don’t think you understand, Frank. I. Don’t. Care.” He looked at me, one eyebrow was raised. He didn’t take me seriously.

“I could honestly care less, Okay? I just want to be by myself, but you keep following me!” Okay, I did it again. Lying to myself to tell the truth.

“To me you already seem by yourself. You’re not letting me in, are you?” He sighed as he finished his last comment.

It was silent between us. Not awkward, just silent. I loathed and loved it. I could think now, but I didn’t want to think anymore. I had what I wanted and no longer wanted it.

“Did he tell you?” Frank’s head lifted at my voice. He looked clueless. “Did he tell you what happened the first time?”

His head shook and he looked back down. He was lost, he didn’t know what to do and he hated it. It was so obvious. “He told me you’ve run away before. That was all…”

He turned his head to dace me. I saw the same scar on his face as I did last night. “If you tell me how you got that scar, I’ll tell you what happened the first time I wanted to die.”

His eyes looked scared for a second, then the shock set in. He gave me a sad half smile. “I don’t care what happened the first time. If I tell you how I got this scar, you tell me what happened last night. Tell me what‘s going on in that stubborn head of yours.”

I didn’t say anything. Now I was the one in slight shock, or maybe surprise was a better word. “I- Um.. I dunno?”

He shook his head and sighed in annoyance. “See, I don’t even know you but I know what you’re like. You’re stubborn and insecure. You hide behind everything, including your hair. I would know, I do the same. You run away when you want to escape and forget things you don’t want to remember. You are too easy to give up.

I don’t really even know you, Gerard, but I-”

I stood up. Who the fuck did he think he is? “You got that right, Frank. You don’t know who I am. You can’t just come up and-”

He stood up to meet my height. He was still shorter by two inches, but his stance made up for it. “I know what you’re like cause I’ve been where you are. Don’t act like you’re the only one with problems, okay? You don’t seem to know the half of it. Yeah, you’re parents kicked you out! At least at one point they loved you! At least your father cared about you at some point! At least you got a fucking childhood!”

Frank turned around before I could say anything. He coiled his right hand into a fist and jammed it into his pocket. All I heard was him mumbling to himself. I felt the adrenaline I suddenly got before disappear. It melted behind the anger in the air.

I called to him. He was headed in the direction of that picnic area. “Frank!”

He kept walking, walking away from me. I started to jog to catch up to him. “Frank!”

Wasn’t it him calling my name just a few minutes ago. “Frank, stop!”

I managed to get myself in front of him. I put my hands onto his shoulders to make him stay still. “Frank, listen, I’m sorry. I know we both have messed up lives. It’s just I know nothing about you.. But you seem to know everything about me…”

I felt my voice trail and I looked up at him. His eyes were so mixed now, his shell broken.

I let go of him and shoved my hands in my pockets and looked away quickly. I wasn’t going to get lost in my feelings to forget his main reason for being here. Was that really the main reason still, though?

I looked around at the dying recreation. It was like a decaying corpse, only it’s skeleton left.

“You.. Uhh said you’ve been here before, yeah?”

I watched as Frank pulled on his hoodie sleeve. His eyes were closed as he took in a deep breath. His lower lip trembled slightly.

“Yeah.”