Buried Myself Alive

“You remember being here… But you can’t remember when or why?” I saw his left eyebrow raise higher then his right. Even I have to admit, it sounds really weird. I just, I know I’ve been here.

“Yeah. I know it doesn’t make sense, but to me it does. I can’t place it, but I know where I am. At the same time, I’m lost. Then again, I’m always lost..” As I finished talking I realized how honest I was being again. I blame Gerard.

“I kind of get what your saying.”

“Really?”

“No…” He bit down on his lip and looked away.

I sighed. It was pointless, I guess. Maybe he didn’t want to admit he understood what I meant. Maybe he really doesn’t. I hate this. It feels like a standstill in my life. There’s nothing better the writers can think of so they say how about some Gerard/Frank dialogue.

“You know, I can’t help but think you’re lying to me. If not to me to yourself. Trust me, when you lie to yourself you’ll believe it.”

I stood up and began to walk back to where we came from. “What do you know?”

I sat beneath the tree. I breathed in the scent. It was so, so familiar. The mixture of so many different smells, all together. Each piece together making the whole. That smell though, it smelled like everything. It smelled like dreams, and clouds, and love.. Love. It smelled like love…

“Frank? Frank, you’re crying….”

His voice woke me up from my thoughts again. I could feel the warm tears fall down my cheek. I didn’t bother to wipe them away. My gaze moved to him, his figure illuminated by the sun setting behind him. I saw all the blankness of his face, he didn’t know what to do.

“Wh-what’s wrong? I didn’t do anything right..? I didn’t mean to…” His eyes were darting all over my face, searching for an answer his mind was asking him.

He looked to perfect right now. Like a fallen angel, his beauty met the anguish he tries to hide from everyone. If only he knew how gorgeous he was with his black hair and porcelain skin. He was just as fragile as porcelain, just as hidden from the world as the color black, a mystery.

I noticed I was leaning with my back against the tree now, and he was kneeling in front of me. He was looking down at me. “I’m not going to stand here and try to guess what’s wrong, Frank. You gotta talk to me!”

I did my best to smile, it hurt. They all hurt. It hurt to be happy. He’s with me, I am happy. It hurt to feel cared for. Someone finally cares about me. It hurt to love again. I know I love him..

His eyes were locked onto mine. I reached out and grabbed onto his hand. I could tell he tensed up. He was unsure, and he was nervous. I took his hand with both of mine and held it. It was so warm, and so soft. I brought it to my face, placed it to me cheek.

I was holding him there, and it felt like nothing was moving. Not time, not us, not the world. It was all frozen, or maybe that was just me in my fear. I opened my eyes, not realizing I had closed them, and I looked up at him. His eyes were shaking and his eyes were scared, but his eyes didn’t move from mine.

I needed him, I needed this. I needed to know. I leaned forward, closer to him. I was watching his lips, I listened to his breathing. I listened to my heart, throbbing louder each second I leaned closer to him. I saw his eyes close and I heard him sigh.

I had never been this close to anyone. I wasn’t kissing him, I was just close to him. I wanted to be kissing him. I wanted it more then anything right now. I wanted to feel, I wanted to pretend he wanted me like I wanted him. I couldn’t listen to any of them, Gerard doesn’t like me like that.

I felt warmth on my lips, the heat of his suddenly pressed onto mine. The soft skin of his lips moving against mine. This isn’t real. I know it isn’t, but it feels so real.

I felt something move against my cheek. I felt his forgotten hand move to the back of my neck and pull me closer to him. His lips were still on mine, and I was allowed to dream about heaven for a little while. I couldn’t let myself think this was real. I couldn’t let myself believe. His hand moved down to my shoulder, tracing down my arm. My hand slipping into his.

I pulled away and I looked away. I took my hand back and I didn’t look back at him. I did my best to stand up with him still kneeling in front of me. “I think- I think we better go.”

He stood up after me, stuffing his hands into his pockets. I think I caught a glimpse of a tear. “Sure..”

It hurts to love, and it hurts even more to be loved. I can’t let him love me. I won’t let him love me.