Buried Myself Alive

I couldn’t go anywhere. I was frozen in the street. They took her away. They took her away from me. Why? I need her. I ran. I ran to Dad’s because there was no where else to run. I cried because my eyes had nothing else to do, there was nothing to see.

I stared up the brick steps. I opened the screen door and climbed up the loose wooden stairs until I reached our front door on the second floor. I slowly opened it. “Dad?”

A grunt came from the other side of the door as I pushed it open more. “Ah, I told you. You can’t live without me, Christina. You need me. You- What the hell are you doin’ here by yourself, Twerp?”

I sniffled and wiped my nose with my sleeve. “She’s gone.”

He looked at me. His red, drunken eyes staring at me. Then he laughed. He laughed at me. “She left you. She left her own so called child alone.” More laughing. “I knew it. She never loved you. Hah! She said you were my son. I wouldn’t have had such an pussy for a kid. My son would have been beating kids up by your age. You’re just a little pansy. You’re nothing you little faggot. Don’t you ever call me ’Dad’ again. I’m not your fucking father. Now go and get whatever you want and go find yourself a new home. Don’t come back useless you’ll be useful. Got it?”

I felt the betrayal and confusion fill me up inside. He was my dad.. He was supposed to take care of me wasn't he? Hold me the same way Mom did? What did I ever do that made him hate me? I don't even know what he calls me, those words I've never heard of before he called me them. They were jsut bad.

It wasn't supposed to be this way. I always knew that. What could I do about it? What was there to do about it? I ran into her room. I opened the little box that she kept her memories in. I didn’t know what most of them meant, and I probably never would. Their memories died with her.

I moved my fingers through the contents. I found the ring I had made her of vines from the weeping willow tree outside the church on 22nd street. I smiled at the fact she had kept it.

I grabbed the wooden box and ran. I ran out of the room, out the door, out of the building, down the street. I ran past houses, and trees. I just kept running. Running until I found myself in the park where she had taken me. I could almost hear the music playing, the sound of the merry-go-round.

But it was all gone. The park was empty and deserted. I was alone, again. The music still played. I turned around and found a tree. Not any tree. The tree. Our tree.

I fell onto the ground, feeling the knees of my small jeans become wet from the grass. I dug my hands into the dirt until a hole was in front of me. I pulled the wooden box from my pocket and opened it. I ran my fingers along the velvet. I fumbled through the rest of her memories and in them I could feel her.

I placed the small box in he dirt. If I couldn’t bury her, I would bury her memories because in them was her spirit and her soul. I covered the box and the hole, filling in the dirt.

I pulled the small pocket knife from my pocket I had stolen from Jeff. I put my hand on the tree. My fingers collided with the rough bark. I traced down the lines and until smooth grooves took its place. I flipped the knife open holding it in my hand and pressing it against the bark. I chipped away the letters of her name. This would be her grave, no matter where they put her.

C.H.R.I.S.T.I.N.A. I.E.R.O.

It was light around me as the sun woke up from it’s sleep. I was crying. I closed my eyes and begged for it to stop. I opened them and there she was. Standing there, over me. She looked so happy, but so sad. It was because of me.

“Don’t cry. Frank, don’t cry. Sweetie, you’re scaring me. Frankie, wake up. Why won’t you wake up?” I felt her hand cup my cheek and my lips pressed against her hand. I closed my eyes.

“Come back. Don’t leave me. Please, c-come back.” I opened my eyes and saw that smile appear on her lips. She leaned forward and pressed her lips to my forehead. I could smell her. I breathed in her scent, so familiar. The mixture of so many different smells, all together. Each piece together making the whole. That smell though, it smelled like everything. It smelled like dreams, and clouds, and love.. Love. It smelled like love…

“You’re never alone, baby.”

I opened my eyes, but instead of her I saw him. His figure in the same position and his hand on my cheek. “Frank, you fell asleep. You- you were crying in your sleep. I tried to wake you up but you wouldn’t. You scared me…”

I heard the word from my dream repeat themselves form his lips. My eyes looked around for her, she was nowhere. “No, she- she left me. Again. She couldn’t. No..”

I was still crying. “Gerard.. She left me. She left me alone when I needed her- Where are we?”

My focus switched from my dream to the room I didn’t recognize. It was mostly empty except for the bed I was lying on, a closet half-filled with clothes, a dresser pushed against the wall to my right, a small nightstand with only a lamp and alarm clock, and clothes lying on the floor in random spots. There were no windows.

“Oh, this is Mikey’s room.” I saw a flush of color fall onto Gerard’s face.

I sat up right and put my hand on my head waiting for my eyes to adjust. “Did I pass out or something?”

He squirmed a bit and his face turned a deeper color. “Well, after we um.. You know? You kinda fainted right then and there. I didn’t have the strength to bring you all the way to Jeph’s place and my place was nearer-”

“G, you’re rambling.” I laughed at him. His hands moved up to cover his face out of embarrassment, I guess. I reached my hand out and held onto to hand, moving it down and away from his face. His eye were locked onto mine.

“Hey, don’t hide yourself from me.” I gave a small smile at him. This was all so strange for me, but so comfortable. I realized I was still holding onto his hand.

We both sat in silence for a bit, content with each other breathing. Gerard frowned and looked away first. “Why’d you call me ‘Gee’?”

I took my hand back and moved my eyebrows together. “Well, um? I don’t know. I thought it just fit and it sounded right. G.”

Gerard sighed and turned away completely, sitting on the edge of the mattress. “Please, Frank. Don’t call me Gee.”

“But why-” I started to ask but he cut me off.

“Just don’t.” I felt so pushed away now. There were all these things we weren’t sure about each other. All we had were these feelings that were shared between us, but besides that there was nothing but secrets. I couldn’t help but bite my lip.

“Gerard, you asked me this when I think I should have been the one asking you. Why don’t you trust me?”

His fingers pulled on each other and he started picking at his nails. “Gerard, answer me. Talk to me.”

“Please, Frank. Don’t make me..” I scooted closer to him. I wanted to comfort him, but I wanted to know. I managed to climb over him and sit on his lap. He had no choice but to look at me now.

“Frank, what are you-”

I let my finger rest under his chin. “I want an answer. I want to know. If I could tell you my story I could.. But I-”

I stopped mid-sentence. I could tell him. I could tell him all of it. I could tell him the story of the boy with the abusive father and dead mother, the boy who fell in love with a near stranger. The same boy sitting in front of him…

“Frank.. It’s just I don’t want you to think of me so weak and defenseless…” His eyes moved down to the beige carpeted floor. My eyes followed down and I remember I was sitting on his lap. I eyed his thigh and followed up his leg until my eyes met his crotch. I couldn’t help but smile at the thought if Mikey walked in and saw us in this position. I would love to know what his thoughts would be seeing us like this.

Shit. Mikey, Quinn, Jepha, I forgot about all of them! I jumped off his lap and startled him, he looked so innocent and hurt. I had to explain it to him. “I completely forgot about them! Crap. Mikey, Jeph, Quinn! I told them I’d find you and I’d bring you back. God, they’re probably worried sick about both of us now. Oh shit, we have to get back!”

Gerard sighed and stood up. I didn’t bother to look at the rest of his house, I just raced for the door and waited for him in the dim lit hallway. I heard a jingling from inside and then he appeared next to me with keys in his hand to lock the door.

“Lead the way?” I asked him but all I got for a reply was giggles.

“What?” I asked completely confused. He lifted his head and smiled at me.

“Nothin’. Just your choice of words. My last name is Way, by the way.” That smile was still on his face when it registered to me. Then he added. “No pun intended either.”

I smiled back him. I couldn‘t help but study his face again. He was perfect and his eyes were so beautiful it actually hurt. “Alright, Mr. Way. Common let’s get back before they start calling the cops.”